16 Signs You’re In an Abusive Friendship & How to Respond

16 Signs of an Abusive Friendship

Abuse is a pattern of behavior used by one person to gain and maintain power and control over another person.¹ Abuse can be emotional, psychological, financial, physical, or sexual. Multiple types of abuse are often present at once, and forms of mental abuse can be a precursor to physical abuse or violence.

In some cases, the abuse may be apparent. For example, physical violence or a time when you are financially taken advantage of are common forms of overt abuse. Other friendships may start to take a turn over a more extended period, with subtle changes in behavior evolving into big red flags within the relationship.

It is important to remember that there is a difference between an unhealthy or toxic friendship vs. an abusive one. For someone to be considered an abusive friend, there must be an attempt at control or a power imbalance in the relationship.

The following are signs of an abusive friendship:

1. They Give You the Silent Treatment

The silent treatment, a form of relational aggression, is when someone punishes you by not speaking to or engaging with you for a significant time. This is different from someone communicating that they may need to take some space or alone time. Prolonged silence can be abusive when used to withhold love or punish you to control your behavior.

2. They Lie About You

Dishonesty is never a healthy pattern in a relationship, and when it is used to control you or happens repeatedly, it can veer into abusive territory. An abuser may use these lies to isolate you and turn friends and loved ones against you.

3. They Say Bad Things About You Online

Social media presents new opportunities for abuse to affect mental health and self-esteem. If a friend uses social media to damage your reputation or image or to gain power over you, this may signify an abusive friendship. This type of abuse can occur in online or in-person friendships and it is one of the ways that social media can affect teens.

4. They Gaslight You

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse when one person tries to convince another that their perception of reality is untrue, causing the second person to doubt themselves.² This can cause you to feel disconnected from reality and like you cannot trust your understanding of events. Gaslighting from friends can be signs of narcissistic abuse and narcissistic gaslighting.

5. They Repeatedly Dismiss Your Concerns

Invalidating or dismissing concerns may not be signs of abuse if it happens rarely. You can identify this behavior by watching out for the other person being inflexible or unconcerned when you bring problems to them.

Someone who repeatedly dismisses your concerns may be trying to do the following:

• Push you towards feelings of worthlessness
• Create low self-esteem
• Damage your perspectives of self-worth

6. They Take Financial Advantage of You

Taking financial advantage may include requesting access to your bank account, asking for passwords to financial apps such as Venmo or PayPal, borrowing money without the intention or plan to repay it, and demanding money from you without reason. In any relationship, you should feel comfortable saying no, setting healthy boundaries, and not having to fear the negative consequences of setting a boundary.

7. They Have Double Standards for Behavior

If there are significant double standards for behavior and conduct, this may be a pattern of abuse.

8. They Insult You

Insults of any kind are inappropriate. It is possible to deal with relationship conflict healthily and work through the disagreement without being mean and insulting. If there is a pattern of insults and low blows, this may be a sign of an abusive friendship.

9. They Threaten You

Threats can take many forms of abuse, and some examples include:

• Threatening to hurt you physically
• Threatening to get you in some sort of trouble
• Threatening to end the relationship

10. They Blackmail You

Blackmailing is when someone threatens to release sensitive information about you unless you take a specified action. Blackmailing is never appropriate and is entirely a sign of abuse and can be identified with more significant control issues in a relationship.

11. They Never Take Responsibility

If you give a friend feedback about how they’ve been treating you and start to take on a victim mentality, this can be a manipulation tactic used to draw attention away from the issue. Sometimes this is purposeful, and sometimes it is an honest shame response. You may want to see if your friend can shift their perspective and eventually take responsibility.

Abusers might say the following during a toxic shame spiral to divert responsibility:

• “I am the worst friend.”
• “I never do anything right.”
• “I hate myself.”

12. They Damage Your Belongings

If a friend is damaging your belongings, such as punching walls, breaking things, throwing a phone, etc., this can be abusive, mainly when their purpose is to punish or instill fear in you.

13. They Isolate You From Friends

Isolating you from your friends may be a control mechanism, so you do not have the support and community from your social network. This process may be subtle, in that someone may bad-mouth friends or try to turn you against them, or it may be more direct by insisting that you stay away from friends.

14. They Are Constantly Tracking You

It is inappropriate for a friend to track your whereabouts without permission, using a device (such as an Air Tag) or an app on your phone. This behavior goes beyond the common practice of sharing locations with friends because this is without permission, and attempts to find ways to take control over you.

15. They Physically Hurt You

Any sort of physical retaliation or violence is abusive. It is crucial always to keep your safety and well-being in mind and to seek professional help from law enforcement and crisis centers if this ever happens.

16. They Engage in Sexual Activity Without Your Consent

If your friend engages in sexual activities without your permission or your consent, this is, without question, abuse. Be mindful of how someone might try to force your hand with sexual coercion or if they try and take advantage of the knowledge they have of your past sexual trauma.

Ways to Respond to Abusive Friends

There can be several effective ways to respond to an abusive friend. Always put your safety first. Be aware that an abuser may try to convince you that their behavior is not abusive.

Depending on the severity, responses to an abusive friend can:

• Be as mild as having conversations to address the issue
• Go all the way to ending the friendship
• Lead to you getting a protection/restraining order

How to Stay Safe

First and foremost, if you do plan to approach a perpetrator, plan for safety. Make sure a trusted person knows your plan and where you are. Have a clear exit, whether you stay closest to the door or in a public area where you can leave on your own if need be. Do not approach a perpetrator after consuming substances, drugs, or alcohol, as it can lower inhibitions and make people less predictable and sensible. It can be helpful to consider advice on how to leave a toxic relationship with an added awareness of the potential for violent behaviors.

When & How to Talk It Out

If you want to and feel safe enough, you could try talking to your friend and sharing your concerns. If they gaslight, blame, insult, or threaten you, you quickly know that a conversation is not an option. In some cases (but probably not most), the friend may be open to changing their behavior.

You might use “I statements,” phrasing things in the following manner:

• When you do X behavior, I feel Y emotion. Like when you insult me during Z.
• I feel frustrated and concerned that this friendship is abusive.

When & How to Take a Break

If your friend is not receptive to or aware of how their behavior has become abusive, it may be time to take a break. A break may help you gain perspective on the next steps you would like to take. In some small number of cases, the friend may need some time to reflect on how their actions have harmed others. Beware that perpetrators of abuse can be very persuasive and may encourage you to re-enter the friendship, only to restart the cycle of abuse. This is a clear sign of when to end the friendship.

When to Move On

Many perpetrators will need ample time to change their behavior, and it may not be safe or wise for you to stick around while they make changes. You cannot invest in the future ideal of someone – all you have is who they are right now and the actions they are showing you. Moving on and ending the friendship can keep you safe, both physically and mentally.

Additionally, just because a former friend says they have changed, you are not required to re-enter the friendship. You don’t owe them any second or third chances, and it is okay to leave the past where it is.

When to Seek Help

In many cases, it may be helpful to seek and choose a therapist, counselor, or psychologist who can help you set healthy boundaries. A therapist can give you an unbiased outside opinion about the friendship and help you to make safe and intelligent decisions. Furthermore, you can use the opportunity to learn about the warning signs of abusive behavior to help prevent future abuse. You can use an online therapist directory to help you find someone who is the right fit.

Final Thoughts

When evaluating these signs, look for behavior and intent to control or gain power over you. Trust your intuition if something is off. It is possible to exit from an abusive friendship and heal. Therapy and utilizing your support network may be the best steps to ensure you can safely remove yourself from any form of abuse.