Perfectionism in Children: Why It Happens & How to Help

Signs of Perfectionism in Children

A child may be struggling with perfectionism if they exhibit low frustration tolerance, anxiety, and depression. These children may be highly sensitive when compared with other children their age. The important piece to remember is that constant need for perfection is, at its core, the problem, not the child themself.

Common signs of perfectionism in children include:

• Easily frustrated: Children who become easily frustrated may be struggling with perfectionism. The frustration being representative of the child struggling to manage something not working out their way.
• Avoiding or fear of failure: A child struggling with perfectionism may outright avoid activities or situations where they do not see themselves achieving or succeeding. This is closely tied with a pervasive fear of failure at any and all things they do.
• Highly self-critical: Children who are highly self-critical have a tendency toward perfectionism. This self-criticism will likely appear consistent across play, sport, and academia.
• Sensitive to criticism: On the other end, children struggling with perfectionism will also be highly sensitive to criticism. They may even perceive constructive feedback as criticism even if that was not the intention.
• Defensiveness: A child who becomes defensive may be struggling with perfectionism. When we become defensive, it is because we are in a state  of self-preservation at that moment and time. Even if there is no true conflict or threat, the perception of their being conflict or threat is sometimes enough for an adult or child to respond in a defensive manner.²
• Unrealistic expectations: We all can have unrealistic expectations. However, perfectionism in kids may amplify expectations beyond any reason. For example, perfectionistic kids may expect that they do everything right the first time they try something new. On the outside looking in, any person would find this to be impossible. However, for a child, the expectation of perfectionism may feel very real and acceptable.
• Difficulties making decisions: Child perfectionism symptoms will also include difficulties in making decisions. This can be twofold. On the one hand, it is the fear and avoidance that make decision-making difficult. On the other hand, it is the actual fear of being wrong.
• Feeling depressed: These signs of perfectionism in children are understandably linked to depression. Depression is one of the leading childhood and adolescent mental health conditions.³ Perfectionism may be found in a majority of children experiencing depression due to low self-esteem associated with perfectionistic tendencies.
• Feeling inadequate: An inherent thought of “I am not good enough” can present at any stage in a person’s life. For perfectionistic kids, this thought process will likely be persistent and pervasive. Not feeling good enough is the overwhelming thought children with perfectionism symptoms will likely experience due to a combination of the signs discussed above.

What Causes Perfectionism in Children?

There can be a combination of external and internal factors that cause perfectionism in children. Internally, children can have a predisposition toward perfectionism due to genetic factors whereas externally, there are often social and familial influences at play.⁴ The combination of these mitigating factors creates a perfectionist child and the unrealistic expectations that follow.

Causes for perfectionism in children include:

• Perfectionistic parents: Parents with a tendency toward perfectionism often contribute to their own childrens perfectionism.⁵ This intergenerational transmission is common across a variety of mental health disorders.
• Family dysfunction: In families that have a high level of hostility and unpredictability, a highly sensitive child may cling to perfectionism as a means of feeling in control.⁴
• Judgmental family/social groups: Family and social groups, mainly in school, that show high levels of judgment on children can be detrimental.⁴ As children learn, they begin to see that their worth is measured by the ability to achieve. This creates a toxic environment where perfectionism is likely due to unhealthy expectations and comparisons made between children.
• Genetic predisposition: Genetic factors can predispose a child to perfectionism. However, more studies show that the “perfect storm” of internal and external factors are what bring upon perfectionism in kids.⁶
• Personality type: Certain aspects of personality have been linked to perfectionism. As discussed, low frustration tolerance and high sensitivity are aspects of personality that may prompt perfectionism to progress in childhood.⁷

Parental Expectations

Studies have shown that parents with high expectations and their own tendency toward perfectionism are highly correlated with perfectionistic kids. There are a few parental factors to consider. First is the parenting style, whether it be authoritarian or passive. Next is parental psychopathology, such as parental anxiety. Lastly, the parents model in response to certain stimuli in the environment. All of these factors often play a role in expectations and in perfectionism for parents.

Anxiety Disorders

Anxiety disorders in children and the development of perfectionistic behaviors have been linked through various studies.⁴ Anxiety is often based on assumptions and anticipation: Assuming the worst and anticipating the worst. Children with perfectionism experience lower self esteem and often assume the worst about how they are being perceived and anticipate the worst about potential outcomes. This fear-based perception of the world is only heightened with perfectionistic tendencies.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) in children can manifest from perfectionism as well. Studies have found that perfectionistic kids may be showing signs of an emerging obsessive compulsive disorder.⁸ The link between these two is understandable. Perfectionism lends to a rigid view of self and the world around us. Thus, exerting control in the form of OCD behaviors is a means of maladaptively coping with rigid beliefs and negative talk cycles.

Eating Disorders in Children

Perfectionism can be both a symptom and a contributing factor in eating disorders in children. Similarly to OCD, the element of exerting control is significant here. Due to many factors in a child’s life being out of their control, their eating habits are very much something they can exert control over. The rigid beliefs and low self esteem factors in perfectionism largely contribute as predictive factors in the development of an eating disorder in childhood and adolescents.⁹

Impact of Perfectionism in Children

There are two main hallmarks in how perfectionism affects children. First being the high level of sensitivity perfectionistic kids experience. Higher sensitivity to perceived mistakes, constructive feedback, and factors outside of one’s control can directly lead to the mental health concerns we have discussed so far.⁴ Sensitivity is not a bad trait in and of itself. When paired with perfectionism, however, sensitivity seemingly morphs in hypervigilance leaving a perfectionistic child’s stress tolerance severely impacted.

Along that same vein, perfectionist kids experience a greater likelihood of emotional instability.⁴ This could be due to the high number of triggering stimuli in their environment and in their unrealistic perceptions of self. A perfectionist child will criticize themselves well beyond reason. Persistent negative self perception often leads to depression, anxiety, self-harming behaviors, and suicidality. It is vital to combat perfectionism in children as soon as possible.

How to Help a Perfectionist Child

Parents and educators can help children overcome perfectionism. A child’s perceived deficits in their ability to achieve in education is often a main trigger. Parents and educators can create environments where mistakes happen and are meant to happen in order for us to learn and grow. From home to school, the ability to tolerate and nurture a child through mistakes is vital.

Here are 8 ways to help a child with perfectionism:

1. Tell Them About Your Mistakes

There is significant value in sharing personal experiences with mistakes, especially as an adult in a perfectionist child’s life. This sharing helps normalize failure and learning. An adult’s response to their own mistakes is at the core of providing a safe enough space for mistakes to happen.

2. Avoid Comparing Them With Other Children

Comparison of self to others or of others to others has detrimental effects at all stages of human life. Specifically, comparing perfectionist kids to others creates even more tension within the child’s mind. This tension often causes more questioning of themselves and their worth. It is recommended to parents and educators to focus on individual strengths and achievements of our children.

3. Teach Them Healthy Coping Skills

It is of the utmost importance that we teach a child healthy coping skills to manage their perfectionism. The coping skills below emphasize distress tolerance and emotion regulation. While these skills are accessible, it is recommended to consider therapy for a child struggling with perfectionistic tendencies.

Here are some coping skills to teach a child with perfectionism:

• Name your emotions: It can be difficult to understand our emotions at times. For a perfectionistic kid this may be even more complicated as their trust in themselves is little. Supporting a child in naming their emotions is a first step of developing self awareness.
• Identify triggers: Once a child has improved emotional literacy, triggers can then be more closely identified. Triggers for a perfectionist child may be vast. Questions to consider may be: when you felt angry, what was happening just before that?
• Practice mindfulness: Talking with kids about mindfulness and teaching mindfulness for kids is recommended at all ages and stages of development. With a perfectionist child, supporting them in being present is a helpful tactic to move them away from the sadness of perceived past mistakes and the worry of perceived future mistakes.
• Daily affirmations: Positive affirmations can feel weird and even difficult for us to genuinely believe, at first. The idea is that if we tell ourselves something enough, we believe it, whether it is good or not so good. An affirmation of, “I can make a mistake and be good enough” can be very empowering for a perfectionist child.
• Breathe it out: Practicing one minute of mindful breathing with children is a beautiful way to show them that self soothing is possible. Set a timer, breathe in on a 3 count together and exhale on a 3 count together. It can be helpful to schedule this minute into your day as well, perhaps as soon as you all get home together before anything else, take a mindful minute and breathe.
• An act of self-care: Encouraging a perfectionistic kid to take a few minutes for themselves each day is vital. Whether they watch 30 minutes of their favorite TV program, take a walk for a few minutes outside, or stretch out their bodies, no self-care act for kids is too small.
• Engage in physical activity: Similar to an act of self care, physical activity for a few minutes each day helps to release tension we hold in our bodies. Parents can encourage this by making it a family affair each day to move your bodies together.
• Acts of kindness: When we do for others, we help ourselves as well. It could be telling a friend they are important. Perhaps, giving a thank you note to their teacher. Even, taking a moment to help at home with something they do not normally do. Any and all acts of kindness are valuable.

4. Consider Therapy

A therapist can help a child with perfectionism by breaking down firmly held negative beliefs and building up their resiliency. Therapy can support parents as well in learning how to manage perfectionistic tendencies in the home. The hope being that shifts in mindset and building of coping skills can translate into all areas of the perfectionist child’s life.

Here are some effective therapy options for a child with perfectionism:

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT can help children manage perfectionistic thoughts and behaviors. Negative and rigid core beliefs are often at the core of perfectionism. CBT helps to break down these beliefs, challenge them constructively, and develop a child’s insight into other possibilities beyond what they have believed.
• Family therapy: Family therapy is essential to address family dynamics that may contribute to a child’s perfectionism.Parents can learn skills to mitigate their own unhelpful behaviors and to support their child in developing a helpful sense of self.
• Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT): ACT is a value-based form of psychotherapy that uses mindfulness and behavioral strategies to support an improved sense of self. While most of the research has shown ACT to be successful with adults, more research is being done to show its adaptability to younger client populations.¹⁰
• Play therapy: Play Therapy is often used with children and adolescents to offer expression of emotions, thoughts, fears, and misgivings in a safe, non-threatening way. The therapist can elicit fears and worries through a safe and controlled act of play to support a child in seeing that mistakes are, ultimately, okay.
• Compassion-focused therapy (CFT): CFT is a relatively new multimodal framework to support internalizing compassion for self, as well as, for others. This is likely a helpful model for perfectionist kids given their distinct levels of self judgment.

5. Speak to Their School Teacher & Administration Staff

There are certain interventions that can be implemented in educational settings to support children with perfectionism. Discussing these with school staff is important in supporting your child in their learning environment. It has been shown that when teachers and administrators talk about mistakes being a part of the learning process, children accept mistakes as part of their learning journey. Teachers and administrators can use their own experiences to show the perfectionistic kid that they are not alone in their feelings.¹⁰

6. Manage Expectations

It is common that perfectionism in children has a link to their parents’ own struggles with perfectionism. It is important for parents to reflect on their expectations and manage them so as to not promote child perfectionism symptoms. It’s also important for the parents to talk with the child about mistakes and how they are okay, even encouraged, for growth.

7. Support a “Growth Mindset”

A “growth mindset” is where a person sees mistakes and setbacks as natural occurrences of the learning process. This mindset has been shown to improve outcomes for students, as their focus is not on the fear of failure, rather embracing failure. Failure alone does not have to be negative despite the connotation it has received.

Furthermore, parents and educators can support a growth mindset by employing the tactics we have discussed so far. It is important to discuss the natural process of making mistakes and learning as this is how we grow, literally. This is an intentional practice on the part of the adults in a perfectionist child’s life.

8. Encourage Rest & Relaxation

Children with symptoms of perfectionism often are constantly engaged in something productive. Productivity is great. However, rest and relaxation are key to our mental health and physical wellbeing. Parents and educators can work to implement periods of rest and relaxation throughout their children’s days. Be mindful to employ coping skills to support any anxiety about moving away from productivity.

When to Seek Professional Support

The sooner parents seek professional help for their child to address their perfectionism the better. A therapist can offer support for the child and the parents. Therapists can provide psychoeducation, guidance around coping skills, and support parents in managing their own difficulties.

Furthermore, you can find support by calling the number for behavioral health services on the back of your insurance card to find an in-network therapist near you. Additionally, you can view an online therapist directory to see profiles and expertise of therapists in your area. Lastly, an online therapy platform may be an option worth exploring if in person services do not feel viable or you need more flexibility with scheduling.