Children of narcissists often had difficult childhoods where they constantly tried and failed to live up to the changing expectations of their parents. Narcissists have an excessive need for praise and validation and have little regard for the feelings and needs of others. As parents, they are often emotionally unavailable, neglectful, and abusive. Their children often struggle with self-esteem issues, anxiety, depression, and unhealthy relationships.
What Are the Characteristics of a Narcissistic Parent?
Narcissistic parents are often emotionally abusive to their children, holding them to impossible and constantly changing expectations. Those with narcissistic personality disorder are highly sensitive and defensive, and tend to lack self-awareness and empathy for other people, including their children.1,2 Narcissistic parents are often described as being unpredictable or “hot and cold,” making it hard for children to know what to expect.3,4,5,6 Narcissistic abuse is common, and can have lasting negative impacts on children that last into adulthood.
According to W. Keith Campbell, Ph.D., Social Psychologist, Professor at the Department of Psychology at the University of Georgia, “It can be very challenging to judge your own parents. In some situations the child can feel very special and cared for, if not fully loved. In other cases, narcissistic parents may be very abusive. Often this is a question for therapy in adulthood, but it can also be helpful talk to siblings or peers, or even friends of one’s parents to get a better idea of who they really are.”8
10 Signs You’ve Been Raised By a Narcissist
Narcissists can be hard to spot because they tend to put a lot of energy and effort into maintaining their reputation and appearing normal, but it’s especially difficult to recognize NPD in the people closest to us. Parents with NPD tend to be skilled at using narcissistic phrases that twist reality in ways that cause their children to doubt themselves and their perception, often portraying themselves as loving, concerned parents.
While not everyone will have the same experience, here are ten signs that you were raised by a narcissist:
1. Their Love for You Was Conditional
One of the most common signs of being raised by narcissists is feeling unloved, and that it was your fault because you did or did not do something the right way.3,4 This is called “conditional love” because there are certain conditions that have to be met in order to receive it. Conditional love is common in abusive homes, and has devastating long-term effects on children.
When the parent is narcissistic, the conditions for love usually revolve around the emotional needs and self-esteem of the parent. When the child makes the parent feel good about themselves, important, or special, narcissistic parents will often show love and affection towards their child. When the parent feels bad about themselves or the child did or did not do something expected of them, the parent may ignore them, be cruel to them, or even become abusive.3,4,5
2. Somehow, It Was Always About Them
People with NPD have a way of always making a situation about them. Their tendency to make things about them may have meant that you felt unheard, unseen, and invisible.4 Even during moments that were supposed to be about you (i.e. your birthday, graduation, etc.), your parent may have found a way to make themselves the center of attention.
Dr. Amy Brunell, Professor of Psychology at Ohio State University states, “Because narcissists operate in an ‘all about me’ fashion, the world revolves around them, their needs and desires. They continue to be selfish and expect others, including their children, to cater to them. So, when their child does well, they take credit and brag about the child, and when the child struggles, they blame the child or others for it. They are controlling and they readily induce guilt in their children. They tend not to offer much by way of emotional support and validation, and the child quickly learns that the parent’s goals are important whereas their own goals are not. This is frequently because the parent is living their own lives through the child and the child’s accomplishments.”9
Some examples of how narcissistic parents make everything about themselves are:
- Conversations are always being about them instead of you
- They took credit for your achievements
- They created conflict or drama to draw attention to themselves
- They made everything personal, even when it had nothing to do with them
- They always needed to ‘one-up’ you when you achieved something
3. You Didn’t Know What Was Real & What You Imagined
Another sign you were raised by narcissists is experiencing self-doubt. Narcissists are often skilled at gaslighting, which is the abusive tactic of twisting and distorting the truth in ways that can make a person question and doubt reality.7
Over time, this causes children to doubt themselves and their reality, even making them wonder if they are imagining things or going crazy.
Some examples of narcissistic gaslighting include:7
- Telling you that you are imagining or making things up
- Accusing you of exaggerating the truth
- Listing past times when they say you lied, imagined, or made something up
- Twisting what you said or did or what happened
4. You Weren’t Allowed to State Your Feelings or Needs
If you felt like it wasn’t ok for you to tell your parent how you felt or what you wanted or needed growing up, it may be an indication that your parent has NPD. Children of narcissists learn early that the things they feel, want, and need don’t matter to their parent, and learn to keep these to themselves.
Sometimes, children raised by narcissists struggle to even identify how they feel or what they want or need, as they’ve become so used to repressing these inner feelings, wants and needs. This can continue into adulthood, causing them to feel uncertain about who they are, what they like and don’t like, or to have a hard time making their own decisions.3,6
5. You Witnessed Their Victims
Narcissists don’t have the capacity to have healthy, mutual relationships where they attend to the feelings and needs of other people. This is why most narcissists have a pattern of unhealthy or broken relationships. Severe narcissists often have a long list of people who they used and then discarded when they were done with them.2
Even if your parent was able to maintain their relationships with other people, you probably witnessed times when they:
- Talked poorly about other people
- Overreacted to the slightest criticism
- Became aggressive or passive-aggressive to others
- Took advantage of or used people for their own needs
- Became jealous or competitive of people who had something they didn’t
- Guilted or manipulated other people to get what they wanted
6. You Worried (a Lot) About Displeasing Them
It’s normal for a child to want to please their parent, but if you had a parent with NPD, you might have lived in fear of displeasing your parent. Often, this fear came from seeing what happened to others who upset them and also experiencing it firsthand.
Many children of parents with NPD go to great lengths to please their parents, with limited success. This is because what it takes to please their parent one day might change the next, meaning that children of narcissists often live in a state of constant stress and fear. The punishments you received might have also varied widely depending on what mood your parent was in, leaving you constantly guessing.5
7. Their Reputation Was Your Responsibility
Because narcissists are so dependent on the validation, recognition, and admiration of others, their children are expected to help them maintain a perfect appearance.3 As Dr. Campbell notes, “the child can become an extension of the narcissistic parents’ ego,” which often includes helping the parent maintain a certain image or reputation.
Some of the ways you may have been expected to protect your parent’s image include:
- Being punished severely for embarrassing your parent
- Being bullied about your own appearance, weight, or performance
- Not being allowed to share certain details about them or their life with others
- Being treated like an ‘accessory’ to your parent for photo ops and public image
- Being lectured about how your actions reflect poorly on them
- Your parent wanting you to be successful enough to brag about, but not so successful that it triggered their jealousy or made them feel inferior to you
8. They Expected You to Always Agree With Them
Because narcissists have very fragile egos, having a different opinion, belief, or idea can be seen as a threat. Children of narcissists are often denied the right to have their own feelings, beliefs, or opinions, and also aren’t allowed to make their own choices.4
If your parent hated someone, you may have also been expected to hate that person too, or if they had an opinion, they needed you to second it. In times when you didn’t, you may have paid the price. Your parent may have become cold, cruel, or even abusive towards you for disagreeing with them.
9. They Were Hot & Cold
Because narcissists rely on other people for their validation, they are often just as skilled at reeling people in as they are at spitting them out. “Love bombing” is one of the common terms used to describe ways someone with NPD draws people close to them, and involves showing a lot of affection, care, and concern for someone to get close to them.
Unfortunately, this often doesn’t last, and usually ends with either an anger outburst, the silent treatment, or another emotionally abusive form of punishment. If you had a parent with NPD, you have probably experienced both the love bombing and the emotional neglect or abuse that followed it. This may have confused you as a child, causing you to feel like if you “just tried harder” they would treat you better.
10. They Did No Wrong
At the core of NPD is a deep sense of shame and inadequacy, and most of the symptoms of the disorder function to protect the person from it. This includes their defenses of blaming other people, lashing out, denying their mistakes, and needing to maintain a perfect appearance.
Unfortunately, this means that most parents with NPD will not admit that they did anything wrong, including not being willing to acknowledge some of their shortcomings as parents. If you had a narcissistic parent, you may have been blamed for many things that weren’t really your fault. If you ever tried to confront your parent about ways they mistreated you, you probably did not get the apology you wanted from them.
Effects of Being Raised by Narcissists
The effects of being raised by a narcissistic parent can vary, depending on how severe the NPD was, how much time you spent with that parent, and what other supports you had in your life. The more severe your parent’s NPD was, the more time you spent with them, and the fewer supports you had, the more likely you are to experience lasting negative effects. In many instances, children suffered abuse from their NPD parent, and may have even developed symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.
Brunell says, “The child typically suffers from low psychological well-being, such as low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. They tend to try to please others and have poor ability to set boundaries or to say no to people’s requests. This is because they have learned through their childhood that they are not as important as other people are.”
The experiences of growing up in a home with a parent who had NPD can result in some of the following issues:3,4,5,6
- Low self-esteem, shame, or insecurities: NPD parents may shame or ridicule their children, leading them to be insecure in adulthood
- Trust issues in relationships and trouble being vulnerable: Secrets, insecurities, and emotions are weaponized by NPD parents and can lead to trust issues
- High levels of self doubt and not trusting yourself to make decisions: Gaslighting, manipulation, and rage outbursts cause people to doubt themselves
- Needing the approval or validation of other people: Children learn from their parents behaviors, including narcissists in need of constant supply, so you might find yourself being an approval addict
- Codependent or caretaking patterns in relationships: The feelings, needs, and wants of NPD parents become their child’s responsibility
- Perfectionist tendencies, or alternatively, self-destructive tendencies: NPD parents have impossible standards that their kids internalize or rebel against, which may lead to perfectionism or impulsivity later in life
- Trouble standing up for yourself, setting boundaries, or saying no: Children of NPD parents are often punished or shamed for asserting themselves
- Difficulty identifying or expressing your feelings, wants, or needs: Children of NPD parents learn to repress their feelings, wants or needs
- Trouble separating from parents or being independent from them: NPD parents often work hard to keep their children dependent on them
- Not feeling like you developed a strong identity or sense of who you are: Normal identity development doesn’t occur in abusive homes
- Unhealthy or toxic adult relationships: families of origin become the model for adult relationships, attachment issues develop when there is childhood trauma
- Symptoms of anxiety, depression, PTSD, or another mental health or substance use disorder: There are negative long-term effects that result from abuse, neglect, and unhealthy home environments
When & How a Therapist Can Help
In order to heal from narcissistic abuse, it’s important to seek help from a professional counselor. According to Dr. Cambell, “Therapy will help the patient understand what they were seeing and experiencing as a child with an adult level of understanding. Ideally, things that seem confusing will start to make sense.”
Individual therapy may be helpful for those just beginning the healing process, but group therapy can also be helpful in connecting people to others who have had similar experiences. If your parent has taken accountability for their actions and is willing to work on their relationship with you, family therapy could also be an option.
Some of the ways a trained therapist can help someone recovering from narcissistic abuse syndrome include:
- Learning more about NPD and the common experiences of those who’ve been the victim of narcissistic abuse
- Identifying old coping mechanisms that may be getting the way of healthy relationships now, and better ways of coping
- Learning how to tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships
- Learning to communicate assertively, set boundaries, and avoid repeating toxic patterns you witnessed and experienced as a child
- Getting in touch with your feelings, wants, and needs and learning to make decisions independently and doubt yourself less
- Resolving shame, attachment wounds, and insecurities that resulted from unhealthy or abusive relationships with your parent
- Identifying ways to set boundaries with your parent to reduce the negative impact they have on you and your life as an adult
When you are in the process of finding a therapist, it’s a good idea to look for someone who has experience in treating trauma, and who is knowledgeable about NPD. Using an online therapist directory can help you narrow your search and find a therapist who has certain specialties, including helping you find someone who is in-network with your insurance. With therapy, it is often possible to heal from narcissistic abuse and learn ways to move forward with your life.
Final Thoughts on Being Raised by a Narcissist
Being raised by someone who has NPD often means that as a child, you didn’t get the love, support, and guidance you needed from your parent or caregiver. Many parents with NPD are neglectful or abusive to their children, which can result in lasting negative impacts that continue into adulthood. With treatment, it is often possible to heal from narcissistic abuse and learn ways to improve your mental health and form healthy and fulfilling relationships as an adult.
For Further Reading
Infographic of Signs of Being Raised by Narcissists
