16 Signs of Narcissistic Abuse & Victim Syndrome

What Is Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abuse is a unique form of psychological abuse performed by those with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or narcissistic traits. This behavior includes distinctive elements that can make it difficult to understand and identify, even for those who have experienced it.

Common Narcissistic Abuse Tactics

• Hoovering: Hoovering refers to manipulative actions used to “suck” a person back into a relationship, such as excessive gift-giving or promising to change.
• Love bombing: Love bombing occurs when a narcissist showers another person with gifts, praise, and affection to draw them into a relationship. For example, love bombers may say this individual is their “soul mate” soon after meeting them.
• Gaslighting: Narcissistic gaslighting purposefully instills self-doubt in victims. A narcissist may deny events and use gaslighting phrases like, “It didn’t happen like that,” “You must be remembering it wrong,” or other similar phrases. In turn, the victim will question their reality and sanity. Use our Identifying Gaslighting Tactics Worksheet to learn common types of gaslighting, recognize if someone is gaslighting you, and find better ways to respond if it happens in again.

Identifying Gaslighting Tactics Worksheet

Learn some common gaslighting tactics and identify instances you experienced it so you can avoid being gaslit in the future.

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• Triangulation: A narcissist uses narcissistic triangulation to turn an argument in their favor. They will do so by bringing a third person into the conflict and having this person choose their “side.”
• Silent treatment: Silent treatments are a cruel form of emotional abuse used to punish a person. While not all people who use the silent treatment have NPD, this is always an unhealthy way to handle conflict or disagreements.
• Scapegoating: Scapegoating often occurs in narcissistic family structures. This behavior deflects blame for family dysfunction onto one member.
• Passive-aggressive behavior: Passive-aggressive behavior refers to indirect communication or actions rather than open expressions of disagreement or negative emotions.
• Lies: Common signs of narcissistic abuse often include frequent lying. Narcissists may lie about who they were hanging out with or about significant conversations and events. Often, they create false realities to distract from their negative traits and characteristics.
• Smear campaigns: Narcissists sometimes spread lies and misinformation to discredit a victim and harm their reputation, an action referred to as a narcissistic smear campaign.

Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Narcissistic abuse often follows a repetitive pattern of behavior from the narcissist toward their targets. Looking at overall interaction and behavior patterns can be helpful to determine if you are experiencing narcissistic abuse, especially because a common element of narcissistic abuse includes gaslighting to make you question your experience. This cycle is meant to help the narcissist build connection and devotion, and to then use that in order to control their victims. Use the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle Worksheet to help you recognize if you are stuck in a cycle or narcissistic abuse.

Narcissistic Abuse Cycle Worksheet

Track your narcissistic partner’s behaviors, your feelings and responses to recognize if you’re in a narcissistic abuse cycle.

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The narcissistic abuse cycle stages include:

• Idealization: This stage is focused on building connection and devotion with their target – this is done through love bombing, putting you on a pedestal, hinting at future gifts or appreciation, and expressing seemingly innocent and endearing jealousy when your attention is elsewhere. This creates an ideal relationship feeling that the target will often try to regain later.
• Devaluation: This stage that is meant to depreciate their target in order to establish the upper-hand often starts small and slow, and increases over time. This stage can include passive aggressive remarks, criticism, humiliation, and not taking responsibility for their behavior. This is meant to make the victim pursue the narcissist by doing whatever they want, since the narcissist has made them believe the shift in behavior is their fault.
• Repetition: After/during the devaluation stage, usually a target will either try very hard to get things to return to the idealization phase, or they will begin to back away from the narcissist in order to protect themselves. The narcissist may return to the idealization phase in order to rebuild your hope so that you re-engage your attention back onto them. Rotating between these first two phases will continue until the discard stage.
• Discard: The discard phase has two ways that it typically goes, with the first one being that the narcissist decides they are done with you and abruptly ending things with little explanation.
• Hoovering: Sometimes there is a fourth stage in the cycle called the hoovering stage, although this is sometimes included in the discard phase as well. The hoovering stage most often occurs is when their target decides to be done with the relationship, and the narcissist attempts to draw the victim back into the cycle by any means necessary; if they are unable to do so, they will often have a big and harsh blow-up before abruptly cutting off contact with their target (returning to the discard phase).

What Is Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome?

Narcissistic abuse syndrome, or narcissistic victim syndrome, is an unofficial diagnosis used to assess the severity of narcissistic abuse. Symptoms of narcissistic abuse syndrome can significantly affect a person’s life, whether the abuse occurred in a romantic, familial, platonic, or professional relationship.

Unfortunately, narcissists are skillful at emotional manipulation and present themselves as charming, attentive, confident, and attractive. However, the narcissist’s pretenses slip after a victim is securely involved in the relationship. They may react in hostile, angry, and vindictive outbursts when their demands for authority, entitlement, and admiration are unfilled.¹ Extensive exposure to this behavior can contribute to narcissistic victim syndrome.

Symptoms of Narcissistic Victim Syndrome

The symptoms of narcissistic abuse syndrome can often mimic those of other mental health conditions. Survivors might display signs of trauma bonding, anxiety, or complex PTSD from continued exposure to abuse. Effects of narcissistic abuse can be long-lasting if a person cannot distance themself from the narcissist.

Common symptoms of narcissistic abuse syndrome include:

• Feeling angry or confused
• Feeling isolated
• Flashbacks
• Intrusive thoughts
• Irritability
• Hypervigilance
• Insomnia or trouble sleeping
• Self-doubt

16 Signs of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome

Narcissistic abuse syndrome can affect every aspect of a person’s life, including their identity, physical health, and relationships. The lasting consequences will vary depending on the length of exposure to and severity of narcissistic abuse, as well as the nature of the relationship.

Below are 16 signs of narcissistic victim syndrome:

1. Feelings of Isolation

A victim of narcissistic abuse may feel isolated after a narcissist cuts them off from their loved ones and social network. They may also believe that others cannot understand their experience. Symptoms of loneliness can worsen if a smear campaign successfully tarnished their relationships and reputation.

2. Self-Doubt & Guilt

It is a common experience for victims of abuse to doubt their experiences. However, narcissistic abuse brings this mindset to a whole new level. Victims often question themselves or the validity of their emotions and reactions due to gaslighting and other narcissistic manipulation tactics. Over time, this self-doubt can make healing from narcissistic abuse syndrome difficult.

3. Physical Symptoms

Narcissistic victim syndrome can also result in unexplainable physical symptoms such as headaches, physical pains, high blood pressure, and digestion issues. These symptoms are often the body’s natural reaction to stress or trauma and commonly occur after experiencing psychological abuse.¹

Common physical symptoms of narcissistic abuse syndrome include:

• Headaches
• Restlessness
• Appetite changes
• Nausea
• Physical aches and pains
• Digestion issues such as acid reflux, indigestion
• Insomnia

4. Difficulties in Making Decisions

After experiencing a stressful or traumatic situation, a person may become indecisive or struggle with making decisions. Narcissists seek to gain power and control over victims by undermining and criticizing their choices, actions, and behavior. Narcissists belittle and minimize victims’ accomplishments, thoughts, and feelings, impairing their ability to make personal judgments or goals.

5. Self-Destructive Behaviors

It is common for someone to engage in self-sabotaging behaviors after experiencing narcissistic abuse. This behavior is especially likely for survivors of psychological abuse from family members. Individuals may have adopted unhealthy habits to adapt to interactions and survive dysfunctional family environments.

6. Loss of Self-Identity

Many people report a loss of self-identity after experiencing a narcissistic relationship. Being in a romantic relationship or friendship with a narcissist can affect a person’s ability to maintain differentiation of self and a stable self-image.

Because narcissists care little about the needs and feelings of others, they will manipulate people whenever they want. Relationships are a means to an end for narcissists and are used simply to obtain what they believe they deserve. Thus, victims of narcissistic abuse can begin to lose themselves beneath the narcissist’s demands and experience this loss of self-identity.

7. Inability to Instill Boundaries

It is common for those experiencing narcissistic abuse syndrome to struggle with instilling and maintaining boundaries. Narcissistic abuse and manipulation break down the person’s inner strength, meaning they are more likely to bow beneath pressures to please others.

Additionally, those with narcissistic parents or family members may already lack a foundation or understanding of boundaries. Caregivers may have ignored or failed to explain boundaries to their children, leaving victims unable to establish or recognize these in later life.

Learn how to set healthier boundaries with our free How to Set Boundaries Worksheet.

How to Set Boundaries - Free Worksheet

Setting boundaries allows you to communicate more effectively, protect your well-being, and build stronger relationships.

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8. Anxiety & Depression

Symptoms of anxiety and depression after narcissistic abuse are common. Psychological abuse often leaves victims feeling hypervigilant or constantly fixated on the narcissist’s next attack. Likewise, constant abuse and criticism can lead to hopelessness, sadness, and general distress. Long-term exposure can worsen these symptoms.

9. The “Freeze,” “Flight,” “Fight,” or “Fawn” Response

Humans have an innate drive to engage in fight-or-flight behaviors when faced with a threat. For example, a surge of adrenaline occurs when one encounters a stressor as their body prepares them to flee. These same responses happen when experiencing abuse or trauma.

Psychotherapist Pete Walker identified four responses to traumatic experiences–flight, fight, freeze, and fawn. Fawn refers to pleasing an individual to reduce the threat of harm and often occurs in victims of narcissistic abuse or children who grew up in psychologically abusive environments.³

10. Restlessness & Feeling “On Edge”

It is normal for victims of narcissistic abuse to experience restlessness for months or, in some cases, years after their trauma has ended. The emotional and psychological manipulation characteristic of narcissistic abuse affects a person long after the relationship has ended, and symptoms of PTSD often include constant uneasiness, nervousness, or hyperalert.

11. Dissociation

Those living with narcissistic abuse syndrome may struggle with a trauma response known as dissociation. This reaction occurs when a person feels detached from their body, thoughts, or feelings. Individuals raised in traumatic environments are more likely to experience dissociation when faced with similar events or situations later in life.

12. Trauma Bonding

Those in a relationship with a narcissist might still feel a strong attraction and bond with their abusive partners. Trauma bonding often occurs in situations of narcissistic abuse as victims learn to depend on their partner for validation and care. Ending the relationship will become more challenging if a victim continues associating with their abuser.

13. Trust Issues

Trust issues are common for individuals who have been continuously lied to and manipulated. Those with narcissistic victim syndrome may automatically expect others to abuse them, making them more prone to doubt the intentions of loved ones. These challenges can affect romantic and platonic relationships. Individuals may second guess what others say or look for signs of dishonesty.

14. Self-Harm Behaviors

Individuals with narcissistic victim syndrome may struggle with thoughts of suicidality or urges to engage in self-harm in the aftermath of abuse. This mindset may stem from their desire to end emotional pain and long-lasting symptoms.⁴

If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or thoughts of self-harm, contact a mental health clinician or call your local emergency number or the national suicide hotline 988.

15. Self-Gaslighting

Self-gaslighting or denying one’s own reality is common for victims of psychological abuse, especially if typical gaslighting was present during their traumatic experiences. Self-gaslighting may include distrust of self by questioning if a situation was as “bad” as one remembers it being. Or, a person may believe they are “exaggerating” or overreacting to their own experience.

16. Sacrificing Your Own Needs

In the aftermath of an abusive experience, some individuals may struggle to meet or satisfy their own needs. Narcissists prioritize their wants and desires, often to the detriment of their partners or loved ones. Being a victim of prolonged narcissistic abuse can easily leave a person incapable of identifying, validating, and fulfilling their own needs. For example, they may resort to people-pleasing tendencies to prevent future harm or danger.

How to Heal From Narcissistic Victim Syndrome

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is essential when healing from narcissistic abuse syndrome. Dealing with the aftermath of an abusive relationship is traumatic, especially when the abuser continues to deny their victim’s experiences. While you may never get the closure you want, you can still work on moving forward in the stages of healing after narcissistic abuse.

Below are some tips for recovering from narcissistic abuse syndrome:

Go No-Contact

Going no-contact with a narcissist is the best choice when healing from narcissistic abuse syndrome. Doing so removes their access to you and involves eliminating any and all avenues for them to contact you. Do not respond to emails, texts, calls, requests “to talk,” or invitations. If this is not possible, consider grey rocking when communication is necessary.

Build Your Support Network

Your friends, family, faith organizations, and support network will give you much-needed aid and guidance. Focus your energy on staying close to those you trust and care for when coping with the symptoms of narcissistic victim syndrome. These relationships can significantly help you heal from your experience.

Consider Therapy

Being the victim of narcissistic abuse can be incredibly traumatic. Professional support from a therapist can help you manage your symptoms and reduce the trauma aftermath. Therapy can also aid in overcoming relationship PTSD and empower you during this troubling time. There are different ways to find the right therapist, and using an online therapist directory can simplify this process.

Develop Coping Strategies

Recovering from narcissistic abuse syndrome is difficult, but being mindful of stress levels can help reduce your symptoms. Developing coping strategies to cope with anxiety, such as engaging in calming activities, learning grounding techniques, taking a walk, or self-soothing, can help improve your response to stress.

Learn How to Set Healthy Boundaries

It becomes more difficult for a narcissist to harm you with firm boundaries in place. Boundaries protect you in any relationship, especially when dealing with a difficult or abusive person. Growing up in a dysfunctional environment can make it challenging to set healthy boundaries. However, it can help to start by identifying what you will and will not tolerate from others and expressing this to them.

Focus on Improving Your Self-Esteem

In the aftermath of an abusive relationship, it is common for victims to struggle with self-compassion. Narcissistic abuse negatively impacts self-esteem, so learning to love yourself is essential. Start by granting yourself grace in challenging times or when you make mistakes, setting healthy boundaries, or using positive affirmations.

Forgive Yourself

Individuals with narcissistic victim syndrome may struggle with self-forgiveness. They may wonder why they ignored red flags, gave the narcissist another chance, or unknowingly put themselves in harm’s way. Learn how to forgive yourself during this stressful time and remind yourself that abuse is never your fault. The choice to behave manipulatively and abusively is the narcissist’s responsibility, not yours.

Choose your Battles

When dealing with a vindictive and manipulative person, pick your battles. While you should address negative claims about your children, work behaviors, or family, anything else is not worth your time. Eventually, the narcissist’s lies will catch up to them, and their vindictive behaviors will shine through.

Maintain Only Necessary Communication

Many people can not cut contact with their abusers. If you must interact with the narcissist due to work or parenting obligations, there will inevitably be times when you have to engage with them. In these situations, only communicate when necessary and keep your responses professional and brief.

Focus on Moving Forward

Focus less on proving the narcissist wrong by moving forward and improving your mental health. Show yourself their attempt to gaslight you or ruin your reputation was unsuccessful in hindering you. Avoid trying to persuade others who have fallen victim to the narcissist’s lies about you–blaming the narcissist can have the opposite effect of making you look like the vindictive one. Remember, self-healing is the best revenge.