Separation Anxiety in Relationships: Signs, Causes, & How to Cope

What Is Separation Anxiety in Relationships?

Relationship separation anxiety is when a person feels immense distress when separated from a person they are attached to. Many people experience separation anxiety as a child when apart from their primary caregiver, however they may also experience this anxiety as an adult, in both their platonic and romantic relationships.

With relationship separation anxiety a person may feel that they need to continuously be around their partner in order to know that they are safe and secure within their relationship.¹ The person may feel like they cannot do activities or be places without their significant other due to the fear, anxiety, and worry they experience when separated from them..

Separation Anxiety Vs. Codependency

Separation anxiety is when a person experiences intense fear when being apart from another, whereas codependency is when a person relies on another to regulate and soothe their emotions. Both separation anxiety and codependency make the other person feel responsible for the individual’s well-being, but people with separation anxiety only look to be regulated by their partner when they are experiencing a fear of being apart.

Signs of Separation Anxiety in a Relationship

Signs of separation anxiety occur on a spectrum and can vary in intensity, as well as how much they impact the conflict or stress of a relationship. Signs of separation anxiety can be found in people of all ages and genders.

Common signs of separation anxiety in a relationship include:

• Difficulties concentrating
• Rapid heartbeat
• Fears of abandonment
• Restlessness and irritability
• Needing to know where they are at all times
• Fear of injury for your partner
• Feelings of stress when they leave you
• Difficulty sleeping without them
• Feeling nauseous when they are not around

What Causes Separation Anxiety in Relationships?

The primary reason a person may struggle with separation anxiety in relationships is if they were given inconsistent love as a child. This can cause an unhealthy attachment style to their primary caregiver that will often be carried into adulthood. Other causes can include a genetic proclivity towards anxiety or experiencing a traumatic event where they felt they may lose someone they loved.

Possible causes of separation anxiety in a relationship include:

• Genetic factors: A variety of genetic factors can increase the levels of anxiety a person experiences. If a person has anxiety, they might feel that they need to be around a specific person to be safe. When they are not around that person they may feel that they are in danger which can cause separation anxiety.
• Family dynamics: In unhealthy family dynamics, there is often poor communication and instability that can lead to separation anxiety. One family member may even manipulate a person to feel like they are incapable of being ok on their own and need another person to be safe.
• Anxiety disorders: Someone who has an anxiety disorder will often feel unsafe and fearful when in specific triggering situations. If they feel safer when around a specific person, they might want to constantly be with them. Therefore, they may develop separation anxiety when they are separated from that person.
• Attachment disorders: If a person experienced inconsistent love as a child, they may develop an unhealthy attachment disorder. This can lead to them wanting to always be around a particular person and put them at an increased risk of experiencing separation anxiety.
• Traumatic events: If a person has experienced a traumatic event when they were alone, they might feel unsafe being alone. Additionally, if a person almost lost a loved one, they may want to be around them consistently so they don’t live in fear that they will lose them.
• Small support system: If your support system contains only a handful of people that you can count on, you might feel overly attached to those people, and feel incapable of being apart from them.

How Does Separation Anxiety Affect Relationships?

Separation anxiety has the potential to negatively impact relationships because it places a lot of stress on the other individual to consistently be around and comfort the person who is experiencing the separation anxiety. It can also be challenging to establish emotional intimacy, because the person’s fears and anxieties can become the primary focus of the relationship.

There is a general misconception that relationship anxiety only occurs for adults in romantic relationships, but there are actually a variety of relationships where separation anxiety can occur.

Separation Anxiety in Romantic Partners

Romantic relationships are the most common relationships where separation anxiety in adults occurs. A person who has a history of unhealthy relationships may have relationship PTSD, and struggle trusting their current partner when they are not around them. Alternatively, if a person had an unhealthy attachment to a primary caregiver as a child, they will often replay out these unhealthy attachment patterns with their current partner. In a long term relationship, a partner may become exhausted with taking on the responsibility of all these fears, and it can result in a lot of conflict and possibly resentment in a marriage.

Separation Anxiety in Children

When a child is given inconsistent love or neglected by a primary caregiver, they will often develop childhood separation anxiety. Alternatively, if a caregiver feels anxiety when separating from their child, the child may believe this is the appropriate emotion they should have when being separated from their caregiver.

Separation Anxiety in Teenage Partners

As teenagers start to learn about dating and love, they may experience the intensity of a romantic attachment for the first time. Because of the intensity, the teenager may want to spend all their time with their new partner. Over time, the teen may develop anxiety when apart from their partner. It is important to notice if your teenager is developing separation anxiety because the earlier coping skills are taught to them the less it will impact them in their adult romances.

Separation Anxiety With Pets

The saying goes that a dog is a man’s best friend. In reality, this might go for any animal or pet that you have at home. Animals can be immensely healing and help to reduce a lot of loneliness. However, if a pet goes from being a part of a person’s support system, to the only thing that can make them feel safe and secure, they may have developed separation anxiety. Pets can also display signs of separation anxiety. If a pet remains in extreme distress long after being left at home, they may have developed separation anxiety from their caregiver. This is particularly common in covid pets, who became accustomed to being around their caregivers 24/7.

7 Tips for How to Cope With Separation Anxiety in Relationships

Once you have established that you have separation anxiety in relationships it is important to learn coping skills that can help to reduce your symptoms. There are many types of coping skills, so take your time to explore which set of coping skills will work best for you. Developing your own independence can help eliminate separation anxiety and cultivate a healthier relationship between your loved one and yourself.³

Here are seven tips to help cope with separation anxiety in relationships:

1. Recognize the Signs

An important piece of navigating separation anxiety is taking time to recognize your patterns in relationships.  Do you notice yourself becoming upset when leaving your loved one? Are you able to identify why it impacts you as much as it does? What are the activities you can enjoy on your own in place of engaging with this person? Catching these signs early can help prevent any symptoms from worsening and impacting in a more negative way.

2. Practice Mindfulness

When you feel yourself developing separation anxiety, practicing mindfulness for anxiety can help you shift to a more grounded and calm state. Take the time to practice mindfulness techniques regularly, when you are not feeling overwhelmed, so that you can easily access these coping skills when you are feeling distressed. There are various mindfulness techniques,including breathwork, mindful breathing, and mindful eating.

3. Consider Therapy

You might want to seek professional help when navigating feelings of separation anxiety. Psychotherapy gives you a safe space to explore your history and help you figure out why you may struggle with separation anxiety in relationships.² The use of CBT for anxiety can help you to change your thoughts and in turn your reactions to being separated from your loved one. Some individuals might choose to seek marriage and couples counseling to deal with the stress that separation anxiety can place on the relationship. There are also online marriage counseling options.

4. Try Journaling

Our thoughts and worries about our connections with others can become very overwhelming. Taking time to journal on a regular basis will help you to navigate your thoughts rather than add fuel to the fire. There are many journal prompts for anxiety that can be beneficial when it comes to wanting to start to journal. Taking time to journal can be a helpful piece in getting your thoughts out of your mind and onto paper so they do not ruminate.

5. Try Meditation

Taking time for meditation is an important way to navigate the feelings of anxiety that would be related to separation anxiety. Taking time for yoga for anxiety and meditation for anxiety can help with feeling that you are grounded throughout the day by preparing your mind and body for a state of calm and ease. Meditation will help to navigate a grounded state daily.

6. Share Your Feelings

Knowing how to communicate in a relationship and how to build trust in a relationship are important tools that help to cope with anxiety over separation. Taking the time to share your feelings is crucial so that more feelings do not fester and so your loved one knows the way they can support you or you can work together to navigate what it is that you feel.

7. Find Resources

There are many resources you can tap into to help you cope with your relationship separation anxiety. Finding podcasts, articles, and online forums can be helpful in educating yourself about separation anxiety, and also make you feel less alone.

In My Experience

In my experience, it is important that a person seek support when they first start to notice the signs of separation anxiety. The sooner that a person is able to recognize their patterns, the sooner they can resolve any issues that might come along with this. Taking the time to develop coping skills, in combination with therapy, will help a person have a better outlook for building healthier relationships.