Fear of Abandonment: Why It Happens & How to Overcome

What Is the Fear of Abandonment?

The fear of abandonment could be defined as a pervasive, often irrational worry that loved ones will reject or leave you. It frequently stems from early attachment trauma with caregivers. Many individuals not only experience the fear of being alone but also struggle with intolerance of being alone, leading them to avoid independence.¹

Symptoms of the Fear of Abandonment

The fear of abandonment can create a sense of hypervigilance in relationships that leads an individual to display many symptoms or behaviors to cope with their fear. These behaviors could be internal in nature, primarily impacting the experience of the individual with the fear of being abandoned or external, impacting all parties in a relationship.

Common symptoms of the fear of abandonment include:

• Clinginess in relationships
• Difficulty trusting others
• Reassurance seeking in relationships
• Self-isolation
• Enmeshment or codependency
• Elevated levels of anxiety
• “Testing” behaviors with a partner
• Low self-esteem

Psychological Causes of the Fear of Abandonment

There are various psychological causes that can lead to a fear of abandonment. Psychological factors that can contribute to the fear of abandonment include borderline personality disorder (BPD), generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and/or other attachment-based fears resulting from a history of abandonment trauma.

Psychological causes of the fear of abandonment include:

1. Generalized Anxiety

Individuals who are prone to higher levels of generalized anxiety may be prone to demonstrate higher levels of anxiety within relationships. This may result in symptoms of an anxious attachment style, which is commonly identified by high relational anxiety and low relational avoidance.

Symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder, such as excessive worry, overthinking, rumination, or intrusive thoughts, may exacerbate the fear of abandonment further. Individuals with GAD are also more likely to experience cognitive distortions, which may lead them to interpret the actions of others in a way that confirms their experience of abandonment.²

2. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

Relationship OCD (ROCD) is a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) involving preoccupation, doubts, and compulsive behaviors focusing on romantic relationships. Due to the obsessive nature of thought patterns surrounding fear of abandonment, individuals with ROCD are more likely to have increased symptoms of depression.

ROCD is markedly different than other disorders due to its emphasis on the feeling of “rightness” in a relationship. This symptom can present in the form of thoughts, images, or urges and often feel intrusive or ego-dystonic in nature, meaning they seem to be in contrast to the individual’s values.³

Common triggers for people with ROCD who have a fear of abandonment include:

• Perceived threat of harm to the relationship
• Lack of effective communication in the relationship
• Conflict or disagreements in a relationship
• Perceived criticism from a partner

Common obsessions for people with ROCD who have a fear of abandonment include:

• The suitability of the relationship
• The strength of one’s feelings toward their partner
• Doubts of the strength of one’s partner’s feelings
• Perceived deficits of one’s partner

Common compulsions for people with ROCD who have a fear of abandonment include:

• Repeated monitoring of one’s own feelings
• Comparison of partner’s characteristics with those of potential other partners
• Obsessive reassurance seeking
• Neutralizing behaviors

3. Borderline Personality Disorder

Individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) have an intense fear of rejection, which often creates higher levels of distress when experiencing perceived abandonment from others. A key symptom of BPD is difficulty with interpersonal relationships, which may create an increased likelihood of real or perceived abandonment from others. Individuals with BPD also struggle with emotional dysregulation, which can make it difficult to cope with these fears.¹

Environmental Causes of the Fear of Abandonment

The development of secure attachment in early relationships is based on the security and consistency of needs being met by the caregiver. When attachment needs are not met, an insecure attachment, or a phobia of abandonment, forms. There are various environmental concerns that may influence this fear, including lack of consistent resources, absent or inattentive caregivers, or experiencing vicarious trauma.⁴

Environmental causes of the fear of abandonment include:

4. Trauma

The impacts of trauma on the brain and body are far-reaching and often influence an individual’s view of self and worldview. Trauma survivors are more likely to experience negative core beliefs about themselves and a feeling of disconnect from their body or identity. These symptoms can often lead to beliefs about self that exacerbate fears of abandonment, such as “I am unlovable” or “I have permanently changed for the worse.”

An individual’s worldview often shifts after experiencing trauma as a result of trying to protect self or make sense of traumatic events. The worldview of a trauma survivor may be based on beliefs such as “the world is an unsafe place” or “no one is trustworthy.” This can intensify fears of abandonment as it inhibits the ability to trust or experience safety with partners.⁵

5. Loss of a Loved One

The loss of a loved one can be classified as an event that triggers the activation of the attachment system, which can result in anger, despair, and sorrow for the grieving individual. Over time, individuals displaying healthy grief responses adjust to the loss and restore their sense of security. However, individuals who have an insecure attachment style often struggle with complicated grief responses, leading to higher levels of fear of abandonment in the future.⁶

6. Infidelity

It is common for individuals to draw upon past experiences to aid in conceptualizing current circumstances. When an individual has experienced infidelity in a past relationship, it may create a hypervigilance response when faced with current relational stress due to the perceived threat of abandonment.

For individuals who have experienced infidelity in one or multiple relationships, they may develop infidelity PTSD. Their fear of abandonment often increases over time as the fear has been reinforced to be true. This may result in difficulty trusting one’s own judgment or intuition in relationships and trusting partners.

Developmental Causes of the Fear of Abandonment

Experiences during childhood often give us a frame of reference from which to develop our worldviews and fears. Developmental factors that contribute to the fear of abandonment include insecure attachment with caregivers, experiencing developmental trauma, or other experiences in which consistent safety and stability are threatened.

It is important to note that fears of abandonment originate based on the individual’s perception of being emotionally or physically abandoned, regardless of whether their perception is upheld by others in the situation or not.

Developmental causes of the fear of abandonment include:

7. Childhood Abuse & Neglect

A person may be confused about how they developed fears of abandonment if their caregivers were physically present throughout their childhood and development. However, the formation of a secure attachment requires the experience of emotional safety as well. If someone grew up with a caregiver who struggled with substance use or abuse, experienced extreme mood swings, or explicitly or implicitly put them down, it is likely they struggled to develop a safe emotional attachment.

If you are unsure whether you had childhood experiences that may have predisposed you to a fear of abandonment, you may find the Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) Questionnaire to be helpful.⁷

8. Divorce

The impact of divorce on a child can be profound. In a recent study conducted with 559 children ages 9-18, researchers found that interparental conflict is a predictor of the development of fear of abandonment among children, as well as child- and teacher-reported mental health problems ten months later. This is true regardless of the quality of parent-child relationships.⁸

Impact of the Fear of Abandonment

The fear of abandonment can be pervasive, impacting not just personal relationships but creating a ripple effect that takes a toll on a person’s overall well-being. Self-fulfilling prophecies often occur when individuals fear abandonment so much that they ultimately end up pushing those close to them away, therefore reinforcing the idea that they will be abandoned by those they love.

Fear of abandonment is an exhausting place from which to live. As a result, many experience relationship burnout and become convinced that life would be easier if they vowed just to avoid relationships altogether. While avoidance coping may temporarily decrease the fear, it ultimately does not heal the underlying causes of the fear.

How to Know What Is Causing Your Fear of Abandonment

It can be difficult to treat the fear of abandonment without developing insight into the underlying causes. Some strategies for identifying what is causing your fear of abandonment include learning your triggers, practicing mindfulness to notice how your body responds to the felt sense of abandonment, and beginning to identify other times in the past when your body might have responded similarly.

Here are some ways to know what is causing your fear of abandonment:

Identify Your Triggers

The fear of abandonment can feel very activating. Often, you may go into a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn state when you feel as if a significant relationship in your life is threatened. When this occurs, you may focus more on your attempt to preserve the relationship than you do on learning to identify your own triggers. However, learning to identify your triggers can help you to better cope with feelings of abandonment in the future.

Here is how to keep a log that can help you identify your triggers:

• Event: What happened to cause me to feel this way?
• Thoughts & Beliefs: What did this event make me think or believe about myself? My relationship(s)? The world?
• Feelings: What am I feeling emotionally and physically as a result?
• Alternative Thought/Belief: What might be a healthier way to view the situation?

Here are some questions to get a better sense of what is causing your fear of abandonment:

• What evidence do I have that supports this fear?
• Who do I notice exacerbates this fear in me?
• What qualities cause me to feel safe/unsafe in a relationship?
• Is my fear based on a current relationship or a past one?
• What patterns do I notice in my relationships resulting from my fear of abandonment?
• What do I feel like the part of me that fears abandonment needs to heal?

Ask for Feedback From Someone You Trust

Receiving feedback from someone you trust can help you gain an external perspective on your behavior and begin to identify relational patterns you may not have recognized on your own. While relationships can be a place of immense pain, they can also be a way for you to heal past traumas. Asking for feedback can additionally give friends and family a chance to learn better how they can support you in healing from your fear of abandonment.

Go for a Professional Evaluation

Mental health counselors are trained to assist in uncovering deep-seated causes of abandonment fears, such as past trauma or mental health disorders. If you are noticing that your fear of abandonment is interfering with your quality of life or relationships, it may be time to consider seeking professional help.

Therapy can be helpful for relational concerns not just because it gives you a non-judgmental space to learn about your fears but also because the relationship you have with your therapist can act as a template for how to have healthy relationships outside of therapy. Your therapist can model secure attachment in ways that you may not have experienced during childhood, giving you a secure base from which you can begin to develop secure relationships with others.

How to Overcome the Fear of Abandonment

It can be difficult to conquer a fear of abandonment, but there are strategies that make it possible. Some tips for how to overcome a fear include practicing self-exploration to learn how to identify and understand your fear, facing your fear gradually, utilizing mindfulness and self-care, and practicing holistic wellness to ensure you feel supported socially, emotionally, and physically on your journey.

Here are some tips for how to overcome the fear of abandonment:

Begin Therapy or Counseling

There are many effective types of therapy for treating a fear of abandonment, though the effectiveness of a treatment may depend on the underlying cause of your fear. Treatment options for the fear of abandonment include emotionally focused therapy (EFT), internal family systems (IFS), dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), and exposure and response prevention (ERP).

While treatment approaches cannot easily be generalized, approaches such as EFT, IFS, and EMDR will be most effective for addressing developmental trauma and adult attachment needs. DBT will best address symptoms of emotional dysregulation, and ERP will best address symptoms of relationship OCD.

Utilize Mindfulness & Acceptance Strategies

Mindfulness exercises can aid in building distress tolerance for the fear of abandonment and reducing related anxieties. Attempts to avoid abandonment are often aimed at creating distance between the individual and the discomfort of what it might feel like to be abandoned. When you choose to practice mindfulness, you can choose to notice the discomfort without allowing the discomfort to maintain control.

Mindfulness exercises may include utilizing a body scan, breathing exercises, and the 54321 method to bring awareness to your sensory experience. The practice of gratitude may additionally be helpful in creating dual awareness that even if the fear of abandonment is scary, there are also aspects of relationships for which you are grateful.

Participate in Group Therapy

The fear of abandonment can sometimes lead to a fear of relationships, which often results in individuals feeling alone and isolated. Group therapy can be a helpful resource in allowing you to connect with others who relate to your fear of abandonment and support one another in taking steps to develop healthy relational patterns in the future. 

Increase Interdependency

A fear of abandonment can result in patterns of both codependence and hyper-independence as a trauma response in relationships. However, healthy relational patterns can truly begin when you are able to develop interdependency in a relationship. Interdependency can be classified as a mutual choice to be involved in a partner’s life because you recognize that you are better together, not apart.

Interdependency differs from hyper-independency in that it offers a space to connect with others and practice healthy dependency in relationships. Similarly, interdependency differs from codependency in that individuals in the relationship are better able to self-regulate and are aware that their partner has their own identity, separate from theirs (this may be difficult if you’ve experienced enmeshment).

Learn About Healthy Communication

When struggling with the fear of abandonment, many individuals find themselves saying things to a partner out of fear that they may later regret. Try practicing “I statements” to help communicate your feelings and needs with others. This could sound like, “I feel worried when you take more than 30 minutes to respond to my text because I am scared you might abandon me.” This gives your partner a chance to understand and support you.

Develop a Support System

A vital part of healing from the fear of abandonment is growing to trust that the people who care for you can remain consistent in action, communication, and emotional safety. This is why it is important to develop a support system of trustworthy people who can model safe relationships for and with you. Your support system could be made up of friends, family, therapists, mentors, and more.

Practice Setting Boundaries

If you are struggling with the fear of abandonment, it can sometimes be difficult to set boundaries in unhealthy relationships due to your anxiety about losing relationships. However, setting boundaries with others teaches them how to best care for you and can help you grow more comfortable with communicating your relational needs.

When to Seek Professional Support

One of the greatest indicators that it may be time to seek professional support is when you or others in your life notice that your responses to relational concerns do not match the intensity of those relational concerns. For instance, small relational concerns may create intense emotional responses for you. This is an indicator that it may be time to address your fear of abandonment.

You can utilize an online therapist directory or online therapy platforms to help you find a therapist who specializes in fear of abandonment or other related mental health disorders. Anxiety medication may be an additional support for those who struggle with the fear of abandonment. Medication management can take place as needed with both in-person and online psychiatrist options.