Navigating a relationship with a controlling wife can be emotionally taxing or even dangerous if the behavior is extreme. Controlling behaviors can manifest in various ways, affecting not only the individual’s well-being but also the dynamics of the relationship. It’s important to recognize the signs of a controlling wife and understand how to cope with the situation.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic, intimate partner, or dating violence, help is available by reaching out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE, text “START” to 88788, or chat with someone online.
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What Causes My Wife to Be Controlling?
Your wife may be controlling for a number of reasons. Her controlling tendencies may be a way to cope with anxiety or insecurity that arises from her personal history, including past trauma. Alternatively, one of her parents may have modeled unhealthy, controlling behaviors. She may also struggle with a personality disorder whose symptoms include a need for control.1
Here are a few possible reasons why your wife may be controlling:
- She experiences narcissistic tendencies: Narcissism is where a person exhibits delusions of grandeur and a lack of empathy. This personality structure can cause someone to be controlling because there is a persistent projection of anger and blame, which leads toward a compulsion to control.2
- She experiences high levels of anxiety: High levels of anxiety are marked by excessive and often uncontrollable worry. Therefore, an unhealthy way of coping with anxiety is exerting control over her environment and loved ones.3
- She fears being abandoned: The fear of being abandoned is a fear of being left and rejected. This is also linked to anxiety, and controlling behaviors are another unhealthy form of coping with such fear.
- She struggles with low self-esteem: Low self-esteem plagues many women due to unrealistic societal expectations around beauty and womanhood. Again, exerting control as a means of coping is not a far reach for a person who doesn’t love themselves. There is a fear of their low sense of self-worth being confirmed by those they love.
- She fears being “out of control”: The fear of being “out of control” is also linked to anxiety disorders. When this fear becomes prominent in a person’s thought process, they will likely respond by attempting to exert control in their life.
- She has been through trauma: Trauma, including sexual trauma, childhood trauma, and medical trauma, often leaves a person feeling powerless. One way to reclaim one’s power is to exert control over their environment and even the people in their life.4
- She has someone in her life trying to control her: Often, humans use defensive mechanisms to manage life stressors. One such defensive mechanism is displacement. Displacement is when someone is being mistreated (i.e., controlled), and instead of addressing the person mistreating them, they mistreat someone else in a similar way.
Is It Normal for a Wife to Be Controlling?
Controlling behavior in a marriage is not considered normal or appropriate. While every relationship may have moments of conflict, patterns of controlling behavior, such as gaslighting, excessive jealousy, and monitoring, are not typical or conducive to a loving and respectful partnership. Healthy marriages are built on trust, communication, and mutual respect, allowing both partners to express themselves freely.
8 Signs Of a Controlling Wife
Signs of a controlling wife may manifest in various ways within a marriage. Red flags for controlling behavior include feeling like you are constantly walking on eggshells, being blamed for everything, and/or every step is being monitored. It’s important to recognize these signs early and address them through open communication and potentially seeking professional help if the behavior continues.
Here are eight signs of a controlling wife:
1. She Gaslights You
Gaslighting is an emotionally manipulative tactic where a person attempts to turn the problem you have with them back onto you. This ultimately leaves you feeling that you have done wrong when, in reality, it is them who have done wrong. For example, a controlling wife may insist on looking through your phone. When you say “no,” and rightfully so, she begins to accuse you of cheating. This leaves you feeling in the wrong when, in reality, you have a right to privacy and agency over your belongings.
Examples of your wife gaslighting you include:
- She minimizes your feelings
- She questions your memory when you are recounting something that occurred
- She diverts attention from any problems for which you express concern
- She uses the phrase “If you love me, you would….”, implying that if you do not comply with her wishes you are not loving
- She minimizes insulting remarks she has made about you with “loving words” or dismissive words such as “You’re just too sensitive”
- She indicates there is something wrong with you; for example, she says, “You need professional help” or “I really am beginning to think you’re crazy”
- She creates her own version of events that turns the blame onto you and away from her
2. She Blames You
Similarly to gaslighting, placing blame onto you is a way to avoid accepting responsibility for her controlling actions. A controlling wife may blame you for the most minute details, such as: “You forgot to get the eggs; you never listen to me.” A controlling wife may also blame you for her own behaviors: “If you would just listen, we wouldn’t keep having these problems, so it’s your fault.”
Examples of blaming include:
- She turns an honest mistake you made into the “worst thing imaginable”
- She tells you that you do things to upset her purposefully
- She tells you that you do things to argue with her purposefully
- She repeatedly claims there is something wrong with you
- She brings up other people in your life, insinuating they would agree with her, for example, “Everyone, even your friends, know you are the problem.”
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3. She is Unpredictable
A controlling wife can be very unpredictable. She may have seemed great in the morning and sent you nice messages throughout the day, but by the time you get home, it is like she has turned into a completely different person. The back and forth of these behaviors and moods may point to underlying mental health concerns.
Examples of unpredictability include:
- She has frequent and intense mood shifts where the ramifications are directed at your
- She appears loving one moment and then disgusted by you the next
- She takes the smallest of mistakes and blows them out of proportion
- She takes her own mistakes and puts them onto you, similar to gaslighting and blaming
- She displays physical or relational aggression
4. She Has to Have it Her Way, Or Else…
A controlling wife is the definition of the old adage “my way or the highway.” A controlling wife is very rigid and inflexible. No matter your suggestions, she will disregard and insist things be done her way. Additionally, if it is not her way, threats can come into play.
Examples of having it her way include:
- She refuses to consider your point of view
- She shames you for having a point of view
- She does what she wants, when she wants, irrespective of the consequences
- She constantly puts her own needs over yours
- She claims her needs are “more important”
5. She Makes You Feel Indebted to Her
Relationships should be supportive. However, when a controlling wife does something to help you, she may use that against you down the road. She does this to make you feel obligated to do what she asks when she asks.
Examples of making you feel indebted include:
- She says things like, “I did this for you last week, so you should be doing this for me.”
- She makes her love conditional on what you do for her
- She makes her love depend on how much you allow her to control
- She does not let go of past mistakes and continually brings it up
6. She Dictates What You Can & Cannot Do
A controlling wife will leave you feeling like you are under a microscope. She will be persistent in her quest to know exactly what is happening with you, seemingly at all times. From your work to being with coworkers to a night out with friends, it will feel like you have no privacy.
Examples of dictating what you can/cannot do include:
- She demands you share your location with her
- She asks you who you are texting or talking to repeatedly
- She gets upset when you make plans with friends
- She tries to isolate you from friends and family
7. She Cannot Accept Responsibility
It can feel difficult for people to accept responsibility, especially where pride is involved. For a controlling wife, accepting responsibility will very likely not happen. Part of the control is the illusion she has created of being the “better” partner in the relationship.
Examples of not accepting responsibility include:
- She blames you and/or others for her mistakes
- She regularly complains about how she is treated unfairly despite little to no evidence
- She avoids taking on challenging tasks and leaves them for you
- She lies in order to avoid any pushback or challenges
8. She Has Unrealistic Expectations
A controlling wife often does not think realistically. She will likely be so consumed with her own perception that her version of reality will be significantly different from your own. With that, the expectations she has of you will be unrealistic.
Examples of unrealistic expectations include:
- She believes you should agree with her on everything
- She believes she is entitled to know your whereabouts 24/7
- She believes she is entitled to look at your phone
- She does not believe you are deserving of privacy
- She believes your friends and family should also abide by her standards
Relationships aren’t perfect. Navigate the ups and downs in therapy.
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What to Do if Your Wife Is Controlling You
If your wife is controlling you, it’s essential to react in a conscious and careful manner. Your wife’s controlling behaviors can quickly escalate into emotional abuse, and so we want to ensure your safety first and foremost. Seeking professional help, whether as a couple or alone, is important. Remember that establishing boundaries and maintaining your own well-being is essential in any relationship,
Here are a few things you can do if your wife is controlling:
Address Your Concerns
Advocating for yourself is important. A controlling wife may not realize the negative impacts of her behavior. Attempt to talk it out with her. Starting with the use of “I” statement is beneficial as it minimizes potential feelings of blame and defensiveness. For example, say something like: “I feel hurt when my thoughts are not being considered.” Depending on how your wife responds, you can move forward with the following steps.
Set Clear & Firm Boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries in a relationship is important to all relationships. With a controlling wife, setting a clear and firm boundary means she will be aware of your non-negotiables in the relationship. For example, if she asks you to give her your phone, clearly tell her “no”, remind her that privacy is important to you, and ask her to take a step back.
Keep a Neutral Tone
A hallmark of effective communication and de-escalation is keeping our tone in check. When someone raises their voice, keeping your response/tone neutral will often bring their tone and response down as well; this also assists you in remaining calm. If you start to yell, your stress response system is more activated and will add to a controlling wife’s escalated behaviors.5
Start Therapy
Starting therapy gives you a chance to receive extra support. A therapist can walk you through additional steps to keep yourself safe. A therapist can recommend communication strategies. A therapist can validate your experience. A therapist can listen, non-judgmentally, as you grapple with the next steps. While therapy can feel overwhelming at first, it often ends up leaving you feeling empowered.
Here are some therapy options to consider if your wife is controlling:
- Psychodynamic therapy: Psychodynamic therapy may be a good option for someone with a controlling wife as it works to build insight. These insights are rooted in the unconscious influences of our mind and the interaction of our childhood experiences with the present day.
- Couples counseling: Couples counseling may be a good option for someone with a controlling wife in order to establish improved communication and mutual understanding. However, if the controlling wife is resistant or unwilling to work on the relationship, couples therapy may actually do more harm than good.
- Motivational Enhancement Therapy (MET): MET is a brief person-centered approach. It looks to bridge the client’s hopes and desires with their action toward change. This may assist a person struggling with a controlling wife in aligning their values with action.
- Gestalt Therapy: Gestalt therapy emphasizes the importance of identifying perceived roadblocks and overcoming them in order to lead a more fulfilling life. This therapy has a technique called “empty chair,” where a client talks to an empty chair, imagining it’s the person with whom they are struggling. This can help when having a controlling wife to clarify what you would hope to say in a supportive therapeutic space.
- Solution-Focused Therapy (SFT): SFT is a brief therapeutic approach dedicated to finding solutions to the difficulties a person is experiencing. Solutions are derived from clear and concise goals that feel realistic and achievable. This can help when managing a relationship with a controlling wife by identifying what you can do despite the difficulties.
- Assertiveness Training: Assertiveness Training is a skills-focused method that aims to provide skills that increase a person’s confidence in managing interpersonal conflict and stating their wants and needs more seamlessly. This therapy would help in setting boundaries and addressing concerns more readily.
Create a Safety Plan
A safety plan is a detailed document of guidelines and actions that can be taken if you feel your partner may harm you. The first step for creating a safety plan is having a person(s) in your life who is aware of the circumstances and sharing a code word with them to alert them if/when you are in danger. Second, ensure you have all essential documents (i.e., birth certificates, social security cards, and health insurance cards) easily accessible and/or on your person in the event you need to leave at a moment’s notice. Additionally, create a list of essential items you may need if you have to leave quickly, such as a change of clothes, your cell phone and cell phone charger, and baby items if you have an infant. Most importantly, always have the information on hand for the National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE, text “START” to 88788, or chat with someone online.6
Leave the Home &/Or the Relationship
When you have tried all prior steps and things remain unbearable or are bordering on unsafe, it may be time to leave the home and/or relationships. Leaving can be one of the most dangerous times in a person’s life when dealing with a controlling and coercive partner. This is why having a safety plan is so important. Additionally, you likely have done and continue to go above and beyond for a person who continues to mistreat you. At a certain point, some things gotta give.
When to Seek Professional Support
Having a wife trying to exert control over you can bring up a host of negative emotions and harmful beliefs about yourself. In more severe cases, verbal abuse and emotional abuse can cause post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Therapy can help you to process your relationship, set healthy boundaries, and begin to heal.
In less severe cases of control, you may wish to take steps with your wife to improve your relationship. Addressing the issue within your relationship is an important step. Couples counseling provides a valuable opportunity to examine any unhealthy control dynamics or recurring cycles of abuse. Collaborating with a therapist can help you and your wife develop healthier ways of interacting.
Finding a therapist has been made easier with access to an online therapist directory and online therapy platforms. Directories make it easy to find a therapist who specializes in your specific needs in your local area. You can also go through your insurance company to see what therapists near you are in-network.
In My Experience
In my experience, controlling behaviors are only one step shy of coercive behaviors. Protecting yourself is the most important aspect of dealing with a controlling wife. There are some controlling wives who are receptive and open to help. A majority of controlling people, however, struggle to accept their role in the problems throughout their lives. Ask yourself: how much of yourself can you give to someone until you lose sight of what you deserve? Remember: you are deserving of so much more.
Additional Resources
To help our readers take the next step in their mental health journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy is compensated for marketing by the companies included below.
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