What to Know About a BPD “Favorite Person” Relationship

What Is BPD?

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a chronic condition that involves difficulty in social relationships. Those with BPD often struggle to find support systems that are consistent and secure. Borderline personality disorder relationships, both romantic and platonic, tend to test people, both consciously and unconsciously. An individual with BPD may see how far they can push someone before that support system “gives up on them like everyone else.” For example, a borderline mother might withhold affection to “test” the child’s love.

What Is a BPD Favorite Person?

For someone with BPD, the favorite person is deemed the most important person in their life. The BPD favorite person can be anyone, but it’s often a romantic partner, family member, good friend, or another supportive person (like a coach, therapist, or teacher.)

This person may become the source of all happiness and validation (potentially leading to relationship burnout for the other partner.) The individual with BPD wants their favorite person’s attention as much as possible, and the quality of the relationship can undoubtedly shape their mood, confidence, and sense of security.

How Does a Favorite Person Influence Someone Living With BPD?

At first, a favorite person may seem like a “savior” for the individual with BPD. They often believe this person is perfect, and they will inherently idolize them. As a result, they may feel euphoric when spending time together and often miss them deeply when they are apart.

However, the relationship may also become tumultuous. Because the individual with BPD relies so heavily on their favorite person for love and attention, any slight transgression can result in anger, fear, or a sense of instability.

What Does a Favorite Person Relationship Typically Look Like?

The relationship often appears to be very close and intense. The individual with BPD can become quickly dependent on their favorite person for reassurance, approval, and guidance. Because relationships generally feel unstable (and untrustworthy) for people with BPD, they may have a hard time when faced with healthy relationship limits. They often struggle with being alone, but even appropriate love and connection may not feel like enough.²

Therefore, they may “read into” certain behaviors. They might become jealous or controlling of other relationships. They might also start pushing away or testing their favorite person to prove the person’s loyalty and love.

Understanding the BPD Relationship Cycle

BPD relationships, like most relationships, have a cycle. For BPD persons, their relationships, regardless of the romantic element, will reflect tenuous cycles often found in romantic relationships. Starting with a period of a honeymoon phase where the person with BPD feels overly excited and happy. This excitement can bring a BPD person a temporary sense of solace as they believe they have found the person to “fix” their suffering.

Overtime, tension begins to build. People with BPD struggle with understanding that persons simultaneously have good and not so good parts. A favorite person, like anyone, is allowed to have not so good days. However, this shift will often be seen as a personal attack for a person experiencing BPD. This can lead to a stress response from a person with BPD which triggers increased emotion dysregulation and insecurity.⁸ A person with BPD may catalyze this emotion regression through rage, threats, or complete withdrawal.³ Overall, the intense need for love and belonging remains and once the dust settles, the attention needing behaviors toward their FP will often resume.

Signs You’re Someone’s Favorite Person

It’s crucial to remember that personality disorders lie on a spectrum, and it’s dangerous (and unfair) to pigeonhole people into specific behaviors. That said, this role can be challenging and confusing, particularly if you feel like it was sprung on you.

Signs you’re someone’s favorite person (FP) may include:

You’re Always Giving Reassurance

As discussed, persons with BPD experience intense emotional turmoil and rejection sensitivity (RS). Thus, a favorite person (FP) will often feel pulled toward offering reassurance, even in seemingly inconsequential circumstances.⁶ For example, a person experiencing BPD may say recurrent phrases of “no one loves me” or “everyone hates me” thus prompting a human response from the FP of the opposite, “That’s not true, I love you” or “That’s not true, I could never hate you.”

They Have a Persistent Need for Reassurance

Along this same vein, a person with BPD will symptomatically seek reassurance from their FP. This need arises from an unconscious process to offset defensive mechanisms for persons experiencing BPD. One defense in particular, BPD splitting, is the phenomenon where a person with BPD waxes and wanes between the extremes of love and hate.⁷ Reassurance provides a level of safeguard against the extreme of hate with respect to an FP as this extreme would feel intolerable to a person with BPD.

They Express Fear You Will Leave Them

Persons with BPD struggle with a persistent fear of abandonment. A FP will generally hear both passive and aggressive statements related to this fear. Statements such as, “you’ll leave just like everyone” or “you’ll be sick of me soon enough.” These sentiments are coming from a deeply rooted insecure sense of self which illicit this fear.

They Offer Intense Declarations of Love and Appreciation for You

In response to their fear of abandonment, persons with BPD will offer intense declarations of love and appreciation intensely for their FP. These declarations can range from over-the-top gestures, such as spending a large amount of money on their FP, to excessive expressions of admiration for their FP.

Often, these intense declarations are coming from a good place and mitigate those abandonment-based symptoms momentarily.

They Reach Out Frequently When You Don’t Respond Immediately

The expectations of accessibility to people in our lives has completely transformed in the digital age. This is especially true with how often we are attached to our devices and social media platforms. For persons with BPD, the expectations around responsiveness are tenfold. When you do not respond right away, they often compulsively reach out repeatedly until an answer is received.

They Exhibit Jealousy Over Your Other Relationships or Activities

The combination of fears of abandonment, a low self-esteem, and emotion dysregulation leads to strong and displaced emotions. A person with BPD struggles to see their FP as separate from them.⁶ Thus, a  FP spending time with other friends and enjoying a new experience will often prompt an intense feeling of jealousy. The expression of jealousy may be volatile, either towards the FP or themself.

They Struggle to Abide by your Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries is vital in our relationships, from romantic partners, to family, to friends. BPD symptoms usually stand in the way of the person experiencing BPD to set their own boundaries. Therefore, persons with BPD struggle to understand that their FP is allowed to have boundaries of their own. Once more, accepting these boundaries and abiding by them is exceedingly difficult. It is important for a favorite person to consistently reinforce their boundaries and needs from a place of self-care and mutual respect.

They Place a Large Amount of Emotional Responsibility on You

Managing our own emotions can be complicated. Persons experiencing BPD are prone to heightened emotional experiences. A favorite person is a safe space amongst the chaos of BPD symptoms. For persons with BPD they may place a responsibility for their intense emotions onto their FP.

They are Dependent on You

Dependency can occur across many mental health diagnoses. In the case of BPD, this dependency is another layer of the person’s fears of abandonment, low self-esteem, and disruptive moods. A FP will often be the crux of dependency for a person with BPD. Dependency for a FP is generally the core of the needs for reassurance, proclamations of adoration, jealousy, and emotional strong holding.

They are Constantly Trying to Please You

A person with BPD will often emotionally envelop themselves into their FP. This occurs due to the void in their sense of self. Part of this phenomenon is the persistent effort a person with BPD will make to please their FP. In this effort to please, they will change themselves to fit their FP. For example, they may start to listen to the same music as their FP, even though they had never cared for the music before. These changes in an effort to please align with the unconscious effort to avoid abandonment on part of the person with BPD.

These symptoms often become more amplified when the individual with BPD feels stressed or insecure. For example, if you two have had an argument recently, they may feel more vulnerable, which can trigger clingy behavior.

Furthermore, symptoms may worsen if you experience a significant life change (a new relationship, job, or relocation). This often happens because the person feels jeopardized about how your change may impact your relationship.

For Those With BPD: Signs You Have a Favorite Person

Having a favorite person can undoubtedly take a toll on your emotional well-being. For instance, you may have intense desires for the relationship, but it can seem like your favorite person always lets you down. Or, even if you know your needs are unrealistic, it can feel incredibly painful to worry about abandonment or unlovability.

Here are signs you have  a favorite person relationship:

Emotional Dysregulation

Many people with BPD struggle to manage their emotions, known as emotional dysregulation.⁴ Relying on someone else for ongoing validation and attention seemingly lessens the need to utilize appropriate regulation skills. But over time, this strategy leaves people feeling vulnerable to their own emotions and unable to manage stress as it arises.

Extreme Jealousy

Many people with BPD tend to have extreme jealousy due to their inherent anxious attachment style. In a relationship, it can be hard to see your favorite person spend time with others, which can trigger jealous feelings. It can be compounded into feelings of abandonment as well, as BPD tends to stir up from childhood trauma. Feelings of possessiveness and control can also come up for those with BPD, and it can be expressed by jealousy.

Ongoing Fear of Abandonment

Despite the intention, having a favorite person doesn’t eliminate this fear. If anything, any absence, sign of withdrawal, or change in behavior may trigger a person with BPD to catastrophize the possibility of abandonment.

Codependent Relationships

Some favorite people will play the part and rescue, reassure, and enable the unfavorable behavior. However, this doesn’t “help” someone with BPD—it only perpetuates codependent relationships and a core lack of self.

Neglecting Other Relationships or Hobbies

People with BPD may disregard other people or obligations to spend time with their favorite person. As a result, their life may become unbalanced and chaotic.

Self-harm or Other Compulsive Habits

Conflicts or stressors in relationships may trigger people with BPD to want to hurt themselves. They may also threaten this behavior to their favorite person for reassurance or attention.

How to Keep a Favorite Person Relationship Healthy

Favorite person relationships are not inherently doomed. In some cases, profound healing and healthier attachment can occur. However, this change will rarely happen on its own. Instead, it requires intention, and both people need to be acutely aware of the dynamic. Similarly, both people must take ongoing accountability for their roles and expectations within the relationship.

Healthy Relationships For Someone Living With BPD

A few coping mechanisms that may help you keep a healthy favorite person relationship include labeling the situation and your feelings, shifting your focus, and trying to pause before reacting.

Here are tips for someone living with BPD who has a favorite person:

• Label the situation: insight is the first step towards change. If you recognize that you have a favorite person dynamic, it’s often helpful to identify and label behaviors as you notice them happening in real-time.
• Focus on other people or things: even if it’s hard, commit to prioritizing other relationships and activities. Sharing your attention takes some of the pressure of your favorite person and your expectations of them.
• Pause before reacting: you may be tempted to lash out or become passive-aggressive when your favorite person upsets you. Instead, reflect on your feelings, take some deep breaths, and commit to waiting a few minutes before responding.
• Accept that discomfort will arise: your favorite person will inevitably hurt, disappoint, and anger you. They may set boundaries, which can feel frustrating (even if you know they are entirely appropriate). Remember that no relationship is perfect, and it’s essential that you remind yourself of that reality often.

Healthy Relationships For the Favorite Person

A few coping mechanisms that may help you keep a healthy favorite person relationship include setting and keeping healthy boundaries and seeking outside help from a therapist.

Here are tips for a favorite person:

• Practice saying no: you don’t have to commit to every obligation or request. Despite a loved one’s protests, it’s essential that you set and implement boundaries that honor your own needs. Setting boundaries is an integral part of avoiding a codependent dynamic.⁵
• Maintain other relationships and interests: you have a life, and it’s OK to prioritize your schedule. Be firm with your commitments and offer other times or options to your loved one if available.
• Avoid lying: try not to make promises you can’t keep. Instead, be honest and let your loved one know you are there for them and will do the best you can to be a good friend or partner.
• Seek outside support: you cannot be solely responsible for your loved one’s well-being. If you are concerned for their imminent safety, reach out to other aid or call 9-1-1 directly. Even if they told you something confidential, it’s far more critical to get them the help they need.

When & How a Therapist Can Help

Living with BPD can be challenging, especially if you feel alone or misunderstood in your struggles. However, therapy can improve how you feel and help you manage your condition better.

If you’re a favorite person and love someone with BPD, therapy can benefit you, too. Many favorite people struggle with themes of codependency, guilt, or people-pleasing tendencies. Therapy can be helpful in exploring these issues and developing new ways for managing old patterns.

Types of Therapy

Dialectic behavioral therapy (DBT) is often recommended for BPD treatment, as it focuses on themes of emotional regulation, interpersonal skills, and mindfulness. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is also a common type of therapy used to treat BPD.

Online couples therapy is also an option for people who wish to strengthen their relationship and find healthier communication strategies. Talkspace offers couples therapy for romantic and non-romantic relationships.

How to Find a Therapist

A directory of qualified therapists can help you narrow down your search and review potential candidates. When finding a therapist, it’s appropriate to ask about their experience treating BPD and what you can expect from your time together.