People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) often rotate between idolizing and devaluing others. In the case of the “favorite person,” the individual with BPD prefers one person and wants to spend all their time with them. Unfortunately, if that person is busy—or if conflict emerges—anger and the fear of abandonment often become triggered.1
What Is a BPD Favorite Person?
For someone with BPD, the favorite person is deemed the most important person in their life. This person can be anyone, but it’s often a romantic partner, family member, good friend, or another supportive person (like a coach, therapist, or teacher).
This person may become the source of all happiness and validation (potentially leading to relationship burnout for the other partner). The individual with BPD wants their favorite person’s attention as much as possible, and the quality of the relationship can undoubtedly shape their mood, confidence, and sense of security.
“People with BPD are characterized by being extra sensitive to criticism, rejection or abandonment. They are also more prone to idealizing relationships but can quickly change to devaluing them. For this reason they are more likely to have a favorite person who they idealize. Unfortunately the risk is they can become clingy and feel more easily feel betrayed.” – Dr. Tanveer Ahmed, psychiatrist and author of Fragile Nation
How Does a Favorite Person Influence Someone Living With BPD?
At first, a favorite person may seem like a “savior” for the individual with BPD. They often believe this person is perfect, and they will inherently idolize them. As a result, they may feel euphoric when spending time together and often miss them deeply when they are apart.
However, the relationship may also become tumultuous. Because the individual with BPD relies so heavily on their favorite person for love and attention, any slight transgression can result in anger, fear, or a sense of instability.
What Does a Favorite Person Relationship Typically Look Like?
The relationship often appears to be very close and intense. The individual with BPD can become quickly dependent on their favorite person for reassurance, approval, and guidance. Because relationships generally feel unstable (and untrustworthy) for people with BPD, they may have a hard time when faced with healthy relationship limits. They often struggle with being alone, but even appropriate love and connection may not feel like enough.2
Therefore, they may “read into” certain behaviors. They might become jealous or controlling of other relationships. They might also start pushing away or testing their favorite person to prove the person’s loyalty and love.
Understanding the BPD Relationship Cycle
Like in any romantic relationship, many BPD relationships have a cycle, first moving through a honeymoon period. The person with BPD feels excited and energetic—they may think they have found the person who can seemingly fix their pain and loneliness. This excitement encapsulates the idealization phase.
Unfortunately, because people with BPD have an insecure sense of self, fragments in the relationship feel extremely threatening. If their favorite person disappoints them, it can feel devastating. They may react with rage, threats, or complete withdrawal.3 That said, they still long for the approval (and attention) that their behavior may solicit.
What to Expect If You’re a Favorite Person
It’s crucial to remember that personality disorders lie on a spectrum, and it’s dangerous (and unfair) to pigeonhole people into specific behaviors. That said, this role can be challenging and confusing, particularly if you feel like it was sprung on you.
If you suspect you’re someone with BPD’s favorite person, they may exhibit the following signs toward you:
- Consistent need for reassurance
- Intense declarations of their love or appreciation for you
- Reaching out more frequently when you don’t respond
- Fear that you will leave them or no longer love them
- Appearing to be in crisis often and depending on you for advice or guidance
- Exhibiting jealousy at your other relationships or activities
These symptoms often become more amplified when the individual with BPD feels stressed or insecure. For example, if you two have had an argument recently, they may feel more vulnerable, which can trigger clingy behavior.
Furthermore, symptoms may worsen if you experience a significant life change (a new relationship, job, or relocation). This often happens because the person feels jeopardized about how your change may impact your relationship.
For Those With BPD: Risks of a Favorite Person Relationship
Having a favorite person can undoubtedly take a toll on your emotional well-being. For instance, you may have intense desires for the relationship, but it can seem like your favorite person always lets you down. Or, even if you know your needs are unrealistic, it can feel incredibly painful to worry about abandonment or unlovability.
Here are five potential problems with a BPD favorite person relationship:
1. Emotional Dysregulation
Many people with BPD struggle to manage their emotions, known as emotional dysregulation.4 Relying on someone else for ongoing validation and attention seemingly lessens the need to utilize appropriate regulation skills. But over time, this strategy leaves people feeling vulnerable to their own emotions and unable to manage stress as it arises.
2. Ongoing Fear of Abandonment
Despite the intention, having a favorite person doesn’t eliminate this fear. If anything, any absence, sign of withdrawal, or change in behavior may trigger a person with BPD to catastrophize the possibility of abandonment.
3. Codependent Relationships
Some favorite people will play the part and rescue, reassure, and enable the unfavorable behavior. However, this doesn’t “help” someone with BPD—it only perpetuates codependent relationships and a core lack of self.
4. Neglecting Other Relationships or Hobbies
People with BPD may disregard other people or obligations to spend time with their favorite person. As a result, their life may become unbalanced and chaotic.
5. Self-harm or Other Compulsive Habits
Conflicts or stressors in the relationships may trigger people with BPD to want to hurt themselves. They may also threaten this behavior to their favorite person for reassurance or attention.
How to Keep a Favorite Person Relationship Healthy
Favorite person relationships are not inherently doomed. In some cases, profound healing and healthier attachment can occur. However, this change will rarely happen on its own. Instead, it requires intention, and both people need to be acutely aware of the dynamic. Similarly, both people must take ongoing accountability for their roles and expectations within the relationship.
For Someone Living With BPD
A few coping mechanisms that may help you keep a healthy favorite person relationship include:
- Label the situation: Insight is the first step towards change. If you recognize that you have a favorite person dynamic, it’s often helpful to identify and label behaviors as you notice them happening in real-time.
- Focus on other people or things: Even if it’s hard, commit to prioritizing other relationships and activities. Sharing your attention takes some of the pressure of your favorite person and your expectations of them.
- Pause before reacting: You may be tempted to lash out or become passive-aggressive when your favorite person upsets you. Instead, reflect on your feelings, take some deep breaths, and commit to waiting a few minutes before responding.
- Accept that discomfort will arise: Your favorite person will inevitably hurt, disappoint, and anger you. They may set boundaries, which can feel frustrating (even if you know they are entirely appropriate). Remember that no relationship is perfect, and it’s essential that you remind yourself of that reality often.
For the Favorite Person
A few coping mechanisms that may help you keep a healthy favorite person relationship include:
- Practice saying no: You don’t have to commit to every obligation or request. Despite a loved one’s protests, it’s essential that you set and implement boundaries that honor your own needs. Setting boundaries is an integral part of avoiding a codependent dynamic.5
- Maintain other relationships and interests: You have a life, and it’s okay to prioritize your schedule. Be firm with your commitments and offer other times or options to your loved one if available.
- Avoid lying: Try not to make promises you can’t keep. Instead, be honest and let your loved one know you are there for them and will do the best you can to be a good friend or partner.
- Seek outside support: You cannot be solely responsible for your loved one’s well-being. If you are concerned for their imminent safety, reach out to other aid or call 911 directly. Even if they told you something confidential, it’s far more critical to get them the help they need.
Ahmed encourages, “The best way for a favorite person to support a person with BPD may be to acknowledge when they become upset or don’t feel adequately heard but also keep strong boundaries. There will be occasions where strong boundaries mean not immediately coming to the aid or addressing the needs of someone with BPD. This will feel difficult for the favorite person but will ultimately be helpful in the longer term for someone with BPD.”
When & How a Therapist Can Help
Living with BPD can be challenging, especially if you feel alone or misunderstood in your struggles. However, therapy can improve how you feel and help you manage your condition better. Dialectic behavioral therapy (DBT) is often recommended for BPD treatment, as it focuses on themes of emotional regulation, interpersonal skills, and mindfulness. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is also a common type of therapy used to treat BPD.
When finding a therapist, it’s appropriate to ask about their experience treating BPD and what you can expect from your time together. A directory of qualified therapists can help you narrow down your search and review potential candidates.
If you’re a favorite person and love someone with BPD, therapy can also be beneficial. Many favorite people struggle with themes of codependency, guilt, or people-pleasing tendencies. Therapy can be helpful in exploring these issues and developing new ways for managing old patterns.
Final Thoughts
Maintaining a healthy favorite person relationship can be difficult. However, open communication, accountability, and professional support can help both people achieve a more optimal balance.
