Dark Empath: Definition, Traits, & How to Deal With One

What Is Dark Empathy?

Dark empaths feed their narcissistic ego through the deceit and flattery that their Machiavellian tendency encourages. Dark empaths do this without remorse or guilt, which reflects their higher level of psychopathy. Their high level of empathy only increases their manipulative skills as they know even better how to take advantage of a person due to their high levels of cognitive empathy.

While empathy is typically seen as a positive trait, as it allows us to understand what others are feeling, when it’s coupled with the presence of the Dark Triad traits an individual may use their empathy for nefarious and harmful purposes. While there is no clinical diagnosis for the dark empath personality, there are assessments that can measure the four traits it combines, narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy, and empathy.

While it may seem that a dark empath is basically an energy vampire, there is an important difference between these two types. Energy vampires are experts at draining you of your emotional energy to feed themselves, but a dark empath uses their skills to manipulate you into doing what they want you to do for them. Dark empaths can be dangerous companions due to their willingness to use deceit and lies to play on your sympathy and good nature.

A dark empath will exhibit all three traits of the dark triad including:

• Psychopathy: A trait referring to individuals who lack remorse for their bad behavior, a sense of grandiosity, impulsiveness, and potentially violent behavior²
• Narcissism: A trait referring to individuals who build up their egos on the backs of others; they believe they are better than everyone else and will use others as their narcissistic supply
• Machiavellianism: A trait referring to the tendency to lie or use deceit to get others to do what you want. The term is based on the behavior of a 16th century prince who used manipulative interpersonal tactics to get his way.³

Dark Empath Vs. Empath

Dark empaths use their ability to understand another person’s feelings to exploit another person’s emotions. Empaths connect with others and this connection can lead to healthy and deep relationships. Dark empaths can “read” a person, but their dark triad traits lead to ill use of their empathic abilities as they use their empathy as a way to manipulate others.

Empathy is considered a desirable trait as it refers to our ability to understand another’s feelings as if we were that person. Empathic individuals are able to “get” what someone is feeling and know what the experience is like. A dark empath, however, does not experience the affective nature of another’s feelings. They cognitively understand what another person is feeling, but they do not have affective empathy, which means they don’t emotionally connect with the feelings of others.

The types of empathy include:

• Emotional: Emotional empathy describes the ability to understand and feel another’s emotions. Emotional empathy allows for a deep connection and promotes a feeling of being understood by the target of the empathy. This empathy has the potential to be draining if empathizing with someone carrying heavy or distressing emotions.
• Cognitive: Cognitive empathy describes a more intellectual type of empathy in which a person is able to understand how another person sees things. It reflects the ability to comprehend another person’s point of view or perspective.
• Compassionate: Compassionate empathy describes affective empathy but experienced at a level at which the empath is able to recognize others emotions, but not feel them as if they were the empath’s own. This form of empathy can lessen the chance of an empathetic burnout that an emotional empath might experience.

Dark Empath Vs. Narcissist

Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder are driven solely by the need to be seen as better than others and more deserving of praise and accolades than anyone else. They have an oversized sense of entitlement, as well. While narcissism is a part of the dark empath personality, the presence of empathy actually enhances the chances the narcissistic hunger will be fed.

Dark empaths are able to use their empathy to read other people and use that knowledge to manipulate others to get what they want. In addition, while narcissists are unable to see themselves and their shortcomings clearly due to their feelings of superiority, dark empaths are more likely to be self-critical and recognize their failings.

Dark Empath Vs. Psychopath

The absence of empathy in a psychopath is the clear dividing line between dark empaths and psychopaths. Individuals who have a high level of psychopathy are likely to lack any trace of empathy and use others for their own benefit without any remorse for their actions. Psychopaths also typically present as charming at first glance, but their charm is superficial and they actually only use their charm to manipulate others.⁴

Dark empaths possess notable levels of empathy which provides them with greater skills at manipulating others than someone who only scores high on a psychopathy scale. Unfortunately, the stronger empathic skills give the dark empath more power to draw their victims closer which can position them to do even greater harm than a cold and calculating psychopath.

7 Traits of a Dark Empath

The common traits of dark empaths reflect those traits associated with narcissists, psychopaths, and Machiavellian individuals. Their goal is to engage in behaviors that give them every advantage over others and their empathy increases the threat they pose to your wellbeing.

Below are seven common traits of a dark empath:

1. They’re Manipulative

Dark empaths use their finely honed manipulation tactics to convince others to do what they want. Their insight into others combined with their willingness to lie gives them exceptional skills in manipulation. Some of their tactics include gaslighting, which is the practice of trying to convince someone that they are misunderstanding or unsure of something that they thought they were sure about.

They may also use guilt tripping, which is a persuasive tactic that uses your own good nature against you through efforts to make you feel guilty for turning down the dark empath’s requests.

2. They Have a Malicious Sense of Humor

While a sense of humor is traditionally considered a positive trait, the ways in which dark empaths use humor is hurtful. They enjoy engaging in sarcasm that pointedly makes fun of other people. They make malicious jokes that are designed to make others uncomfortable as well as harm the target of the joke.

Their humor creates dissonance for those who witness it as they can recognize the sharpness of the content, but feel as if they should laugh in response as the appropriate social reaction. Their humor belittles and humiliates others by poking fun at others’ weaknesses or failures.

3. They’re Self-Critical

Self-criticism refers to the practice of having self-deprecating thoughts or internally assessing oneself harshly. Dark empaths are more prone to self-criticism⁵ than might be expected and this may be due to their higher levels of empathy and neuroticism. Dark empaths have heightened awareness of others’ emotional states and this may lead them to experience a greater sensitivity to criticism from others.

Typical narcissists are generally oblivious to others’ opinions of them and individuals high in psychopathy don’t care about others’ feelings. However, dark empaths recognize and internalize others’ emotions. The narcissistic tendencies of dark empaths lead them to have delusions of grandeur and the drive for power,⁶ but self-doubt and self-loathing may offset these two traits.

4. They’re Emotionally Detached

Due to their high levels of psychopathy, dark empaths are typically emotionally detached from other people. They do not form emotional attachments, nor do they experience a wide range of emotions. Their empathy provides them with a cognitive understanding of others’ feelings, but rather than using this skill to build connections or form relationships with others, they utilize their empathy as a means of drawing in their marks even closer than they would be able to if they did not possess empathy.

5. They’re Exploitative of Others

Individuals who manifest these traits are strongly driven to win at any cost. Their motivations are purely driven by their egos, similar to those who manifest the dark triad traits. However, the unusually high level of empathy gives the dark empath a greater skill set in their efforts to manipulate others to their own advantage. They can sense what others are feeling and are able to assess what others want to hear, based on their emotions, and use these two tools to manipulate others to achieve their aims.

6. They’re Extroverted

Dark empaths tend to score high in extroversion which suggests that they are comfortable around other people and enjoy being part of the action. Combined with their greater level of empathy than those with the dark triad traits, extraversion becomes one of the more dangerous traits. Dark empaths are able to engage with others and socially connect which provides them with greater access to understanding what others are feeling and how they tick.

7. They’re Perceptive of Others’ Feelings

With their high levels of empathy, dark empaths are unusually perceptive of how others are feeling and responding. Unfortunately, the more information a dark empath has about a person, the more damage they can do. Their sociability also makes them difficult to recognize as dangerous since they seem to fit in so well.

Their desire to get what they want from others motivates them to use all of the information they can gather about a person to their advantage. Because most people take their own feelings into account when making decisions, dark empaths are able to manipulate our feelings to urge us to give them what they’re asking for.

What Causes Dark Empathy?

Unfortunately, it is difficult to pin down the “why” behind many psychological disorders or syndromes. Often it is a combination of genetic risk factors and environmental exposures that leads a person to develop traits such as narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism.

Narcissism may develop due to too much or too little attention or praise from parents. Psychopathy tends to reflect genetic influence as it often manifests as impulse control issues and poor emotional regulation. Machiavellianism is considered to be a combination, but parental influence and early environment are key factors in whether a child with a selfish or manipulative mindset matures into someone with high levels of this trait.⁷

And the fourth factor, empathy, tends to be inherited in the case of affective empathy and influenced more by the environment in the case of cognitive empathy.⁸ Thus, the true origin of dark empathy is a unique combination of nature and nurture.

How Dark Empathy Affects Others

When people first engage with a dark empath, they often do not realize the type of person they have met. The sociability and empathy of a dark empath give a first impression of someone that will be a pleasure to know. However, once they begin their pattern of deceit, malicious humor, gaslighting, and manipulation, their value to others as an acquaintance drops immediately. It is hard to spot the danger in a person who is superficially so pleasant and people don’t like to imagine that they could misjudge someone so completely.

Once you are aware of the manipulative behaviors being used on you, you’ll be ready to back away from the dark empath and cut any ties you have with them. While breaking away can be difficult, as these individuals never like to lose, once you are free you’ll be in a much better position to recognize a dark empath before you allow yourself to be drawn into going forward.

Impacts of dark empathy may include:

• Increased anxiety: The saying, “once burned, twice shy” describes the potential for increased symptoms of anxiety that you may experience after dealing with a dark empath.
• Maladaptive coping strategies: The mind games that a dark empath plays on you can leave you desperate for relief and may leave you choosing poor coping strategies that may unfortunately lead to engagement in maladaptive behaviors
• Self-doubt: Because dark empaths are so good at “faking good” when you first meet, but leave you reeling over time, you may begin to doubt your ability to assess other people’s true nature
• Insecurity: Security comes from within and is supported by trusted others; when you’ve been tricked by a dark empath you trusted, security diminishes as you realize you can’t be sure whose loyalty you can trust and whose you should question
• Traumatization: If you have invested in the relationship with the dark empath in emotional and financial, instrumental, and tangible ways, when they show their true colors and walk away with their gains, it can be traumatizing. The shock and surprise felt can leave you exhausted, physically ill, and hypersensitive to similar threats.

How to Deal With a Dark Empath

When you begin to suspect that someone you thought genuinely cared about you has been gaslighting or manipulating your feelings, it is essential that you focus on protecting yourself from further harm. It’s important to stay emotionally and mentally grounded when dealing with a dark empath because their ability to use your feelings and insecurity against you can put you at a distinct disadvantage. Below are some tips for dealing with a dark empath:

Prioritize Self-Care

When someone’s aim is to take advantage of you, the best way to deal with it includes emotional self-care. Dark empaths throw you off balance, so find your center through activities that you find grounding, such as self-soothing, meditation, and other behaviors that help calm anxiety.

Practice Self-Compassion

Don’t blame yourself for the harm that was done to you by the dark empath. Their goal was to take advantage of you, and you should never believe that this was your own fault. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and explore creative ways  to love oneself when recovering from the damage done by the dark empath. Practice self-affirmations and avoid any negative self-talk that may have been planted by the dark empath.

By maintaining a strong sense of self-esteem, you’ll keep from giving in to the negative feelings that the dark empath would want you to experience and also be in a much better place to avoid being drawn into a relationship with one in the future.

Seek Therapy

When you feel that your sense of self and ability to manage routine tasks in life have been severely compromised by the dark empath, reaching out for professional assistance may be the best way to cope and move forward. There are a variety of ways to find a therapist you can trust including input from friends and family, asking your physician for a referral, or consulting an online therapist directory.

Model Healthy Behaviors

If you are concerned that your child or another young person you care for may be showing signs of the dark empath personality, it can be immensely helpful to model healthy behaviors for that person. While there are some inborn tendencies towards these traits, the environment plays a significant role in how they develop or take hold. By modeling and promoting healthy behavior and cognitive, affective, and compassionate empathy, your influence may help protect the child from developing harmful dark empath traits. Modeling and positive reinforcement for acceptable behaviors can help shape a child’s development in positive ways.

Set Boundaries

One of the most important ways we can limit the negative impact of harmful people in our lives is to set clear and healthy boundaries. By clearly establishing your own sense-of-self and protecting your self-esteem, you are in a position to determine what behaviors and demands on you that you will or will not accept. By communicating these boundaries to others, you are setting expectations for how you want to be treated. When someone oversteps or makes assumptions, firmly states your boundary and refuses to “flex” when your wellbeing is at risk.

Know When to Leave

It can be difficult to make the decision to leave a relationship even when the other person has been intentionally hurtful to you through deceit, malevolent humor, gaslighting, and manipulation. There is often a drive to keep working at the relationship until you “get it right.”

However, a dark empath is unlikely to change their behavior if they are getting what they want through their nefarious actions. It’s essential that you put yourself and your wellbeing first. If the relationship is causing you emotional, material, or psychological harm, it is time to break free from the dark empath. When a relationship becomes toxic, the most important step you can take is breaking it off and following best practices on  how to leave a toxic relationship.

In My Experience

In my experience, individuals who present with the traits of a dark empath can be highly self-aware of their strengths and their shortcomings in ways that those who only present with narcissism cannot be. Dark empaths hide in plain sight and it is only over time that they reveal themselves. In some cases, dark empaths recognize and reject their desire to manipulate and use others. This can provide a motivation to seek therapy to help them find ways to resist their worst impulses.

If you find yourself in a relationship with a dark empath and they are willing to discuss their issues, reaching out to a couples therapist may provide the means to salvaging the relationship. By leveraging their empathy and self-awareness, they may be able to develop effective coping methods that allow them to manage healthy relationships.