While a friend’s narcissistic qualities may not be obvious early on (you may even find them to be selfless and complimentary), these friendships often turn one-sided, conflictual, territorial, and sometimes aggressive. Narcissistic friends seek out constant praise, prioritize their own needs, lack empathy, have high expectations of their friends, and often end friendships when they no longer serve them.
It’s common to become “fast friends” with narcissists because they’re often supportive, thoughtful, and engaged early on in relationships. At this stage, they may even go above and beyond what’s expected of a new friend in order to fake you out. However, if you’re friends with a narcissist, you may find that over time they turn egocentric, unsupportive, territorial, entitled, dismissive, unreasonable, and even aggressive.
Sixteen signs of a narcissistic friend are:
1. They Seek Out Praise & Admiration
Because they don’t know how to self-validate or find internal self-worth, narcissistic friends seek out, expect, and even demand praise and admiration to fuel their self-esteem. This may look like asking you to like their Instagram posts, fishing for compliments, or expressing superficial insecurity in hopes that you will compliment them to make them feel better (e.g., “I promise your hair doesn’t look bad — you look amazing today!”).1
2. They Put Their Own Needs First
Because narcissists view themselves as “above” or better than others, they tend to be preoccupied with their own satisfaction and lack empathy for their friends’ needs.2 If you have plans to meet a narcissistic friend for lunch, they may run late, not apologize, and say they don’t understand why you’re so bothered.
If you do express a need or preference (for example, “If we’re going to meet for lunch tomorrow, we can’t meet up any later than 12pm”), the narcissistic friend may ignore the request or accuse you of being controlling or selfish.
3. Conversations Stay Surface Level
Narcissists may initially be perceived by friends as being introverted (vulnerable narcissist) or private (covert narcissist). In reality, they are keeping conversations superficial in an effort to avoid intimacy. Narcissistic friends often only share information about themselves with others when it’s self-promoting (e.g., bragging about their accomplishments) or assists them in personal gain.3
In addition to not sharing anything personal or vulnerable with you, narcissistic friends may not ask any questions about you. This is the case for two reasons: First, narcissists tend to have little genuine interest in others, as they would rather focus on themselves. Second, narcissists will avoid interactions in which vulnerability is expected of them.
This means the narcissist doesn’t ask friends questions like, “How are you doing since your dad’s death?” because that may lead to a more vulnerable conversation in which they are expected to speak about their own experience with loss.
4. They Aren’t There For You When You Really Need Them…
Narcissists struggle to identify others’ needs, understand their feelings, and offer validation unless doing so is perceived as relevant or beneficial to them personally. In a friendship, this may look like avoiding emotional conversations, not showing up when you’re going through a hard time, or bad-mouthing you because you’re struggling.
5. …Except When It’s In Their Best Interest
Despite often not being there for you when you need them, narcissistic friends may go above and beyond to show compassion other times, usually around the start of the friendship.4 Communal narcissists may spend hours on the phone with you when you’re going through a breakup, but only so that they can claim they’re the “best friend ever” or that they “give the best advice.”
Beware that they may also use this experience as leverage the next time they need something from you.
6. They Act Entitled to Time With You
Narcissists expect to get what they want and often believe they are owed or deserving of time with their friends. This may look like demanding that you spend time with them or getting angry or going into a fit of rage with you if you cancel plans. If you don’t meet their expectations, narcissistic friends may retaliate with aggression, threats of finding “better” friends, or by giving you “the silent treatment.”
7. They Put You Down
Because narcissists want a constant supply of attention and to make their accomplishments known, they may disregard your strengths and successes and instead highlight their own. If you tell a narcissistic friend that you got a great job offer, they may cut you off, change the conversation, or steal the spotlight by talking about themselves — all in an effort to manage their insecurity and jealousy.
8. They Have Unreasonable Expectations
Oftentimes, what a narcissistic friend wants and feels entitled to is unreasonable to expect from a friend. For example, a narcissistic friend may ask you to give them a ride to the airport in the middle of the night and not understand why you say no.
9. They Rarely Show Remorse
When you tell a narcissistic friend that they hurt your feelings (for example, making a comment about your weight), they will often respond by getting defensive and denying that they did anything wrong. They may say something like, “I thought you’d want to know. It’s not my fault you’re so sensitive.” To a narcissist, apologizing or showing remorse means their imperfections and faults have been exposed, which compromises their grandiose sense of self.5
That being said, narcissistic friends will apologize or show remorse when it helps them meet their needs. For example, if you are planning to take a narcissistic friend to an exclusive party and they make a hurtful comment about your weight, they may profusely apologize when confronted so that you don’t rescind the invitation.
In these cases, despite being apologetic in the moment, narcissistic friends will avoid talking about the interaction or become hostile if you bring it up after their needs (going to the exclusive party) have been met.
10. They Struggle to Forgive
Not only do narcissists have a hard time apologizing to friends — they also struggle to forgive them. Narcissists’ sense of entitlement makes them believe they are deserving of specific and special treatment, and that not being treated this way is unjust and a violation of their rights.6
Whereas in other friendships you may apologize for forgetting to return a phone call and be instantly forgiven, narcissistic friends will have a harder time forgiving and may even adopt a “you owe me” attitude to get you to do something for them in the future. Keep in mind narcissists occasionally do forgive their friends but only when it helps get their needs met or gives them leverage.7
11. They Use or Exploit You
Narcissists tend to view people in their lives as objects to meet their needs, which may mean doing anything necessary to reach that goal. Narcissistic friends may use you for your resources or connections, or even use your past “unacceptable” behavior as leverage to get you to do what they want.
Some narcissistic friends collect and threaten blackmail (e.g., exploit you by leaking embarrassing photos or videos), tell you you’d be “nothing” without them, or guilt you into giving them what they want.
12. They’re Jealous of Your Other Relationships
While a narcissist likely won’t tell you that they’re jealous of your other relationships (platonic, romantic, or otherwise), they may demonstrate behaviors that are characteristic of someone who is jealous. The jealousy arises because narcissists need constant approval and validation, and your attention being elsewhere threatens this.
Narcissistic friends may demand that you spend more time with them, end other relationships, or even try to turn you and your other friends against each other.
13. They Lash Out
While conflict is a natural part of many friendships, narcissists tend to lash out toward friends in distinct ways. Narcissistic friends often turn hostile or aggressive when they don’t receive the admiration they crave and when they perceive criticism, indifference, or disrespect.8 This may look like gossiping, gaslighting, spreading lies, or slandering you to others — all in an attempt to self-protect and bolster grandiose views of themselves, pushing off collapse and depression.9
14. You Feel Drained After Spending Time With Them
When spending time with friends, narcissists try to be the center of attention, brag about their accomplishments, and expect or demand more than is reasonable.3 As a result, you may leave interactions with narcissistic friends feeling frustrated, resentful, and depleted of energy.
15. They End the Friendship When It Stops Serving Them
Narcissists often reach a point where they decide the relationship no longer serves them. They may become dissatisfied with the type of admiration you’re willing to give them, sense that you’re drained and aren’t offering them as much attention as you used to, or decide that the praise and attention would mean more from a different source.8
So, while narcissistic friends are in constant search of validation, the effects of receiving it are short-lived; the narcissist often eventually chooses another, higher status friend to seek validation from once they have extracted as much from you as they can.8
16. They Seek Out “Better” Friends
As mentioned, narcissists move on to different friendships when they’ve gotten all the admiration they can out of current ones. Narcissists are also on the look-out for the next best friendship opportunity, as having friends who they deem valuable helps the narcissist feel as though they have attained a certain level of status.10
How to Deal With a Narcissistic Friend
Dealing with a narcissistic friend can be challenging. You may try setting boundaries in the friendship, in which case it’s important that you’re firm in asserting your needs, as wavering may invite a narcissistic friend to violate and push your limits.
Name the undesired behavior clearly (“Do not tell people the secret I told you.”) and restate the assertion as many times as needed, remembering that a narcissistic friend may try to redirect the conversation and attention onto themselves. Ultimately, it may be in your best interest to determine when to end the friendship and how to end the friendship.
When & How a Therapist Can Help
You may benefit from seeing a therapist if you are concerned about your friendship with a narcissist, in a cycle of narcissistic abuse, experiencing decreased self-esteem, need help setting boundaries, or are thinking about ending the friendship altogether. Individual therapy is a valuable resource for tackling each of these issues.
Behavioral therapies can effectively treat symptoms that may arise as a result of being friends with a narcissist. For example, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) helps friends of narcissists change thought patterns and behaviors that may have resulted from the friendship, while acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) supports clients in determining whether certain parts of the friendship (or the friendship in general) are in line with the client’s values.
Many therapists are trained in multiple behavioral therapies and utilize components from each. If you are interested in pursuing therapy, consider finding a therapist and check out a free therapist online therapist directory.
Final Thoughts On Narcissistic Friends
Being friends with a narcissist can create interpersonal challenges and bring up difficult and oftentimes unexpected emotions. That being said, there are healthy ways to move forward whether or not you decide to maintain the friendship.
For Further Reading
Narcissistic Friends Infographics
