Depleted mother syndrome is a state of emotional and physical exhaustion experienced by mothers when the demands of motherhood exceed their ability to cope. Many moms report feeling external and internal pressure to do it all perfectly. Healing from depleted mother syndrome involves taking time for self-care, asking for help, and learning to combat feelings of guilt and unworthiness.
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What Is Depleted Mother Syndrome (DMS)?
Depleted mother syndrome is when a mother experiences symptoms of mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion as a result of continuous caregiving responsibilities that exceed the mom’s ability to cope with these responsibilities. These symptoms may manifest as feelings of anger, resentment, overwhelm, frustration, irritability, burnout, inadequacy, and disconnection from others, including oneself and one’s own child(ren).
While depleted mother syndrome is not recognized by the DSM IV, through social media and decreased stigmatization of mental health issues, awareness of depleted mother syndrome is growing. Depleted mother syndrome is a type of mom burnout in which moms feel emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted due to the continuous demands of caregiving. It can also be a form of stay-at-home mom depression.
Do I Have Depleted Mother Syndrome?
Depleted mother syndrome can be felt by any mom at any time. Moms of young children are particularly susceptible to depleted mother syndrome due to the high needs and emotional intensity of caring for young children with little structured societal support for parents.
Here are some thoughts a mom with depleted mother syndrome may have:
- Being a mom is too much for me
- I feel like an imposter, and I don’t know if I am cut out for this
- I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this
- I have nothing left to give
- I am starting to hate my spouse because I do everything; why doesn’t he help me more?
- Everyone else can do this; why can’t I?
- I feel so empty inside
- I don’t know who I am outside of being a mom anymore
- I am not a good enough mom
- I feel so overwhelmed
- How does everyone else do this so easily when this is so hard for me?
- I have to be a perfect parent, or I will damage my baby/child/children
- My kids deserve a better mom than me
Signs & Symptoms of Depleted Mother Syndrome
You might have depleted mother syndrome if you frequently feel overwhelmed, burnt out, and emotionally exhausted. Other signs include starting to get angry at your children for having needs, feeling like you have given all you can and you just can’t give any more, or feeling like being a mom is just too much for you.
Common signs and symptoms of depleted mother syndrome include:
- Heightened emotional sensitivity: This can look like losing your temper more easily than usual or may look like crying more easily than usual.
- Increased anger or irritability: Mom rage can look like snapping at your spouse or child(ren) more easily than usual, more often than you would like, or for small things that normally wouldn’t bother you.
- Increased frustration: You may find your emotions are out of proportion to the event; little things may trigger big feelings of annoyance, irritation, or frustration.
- Feeling overwhelmed or frazzled: This may look like a decreased ability to accomplish things you normally accomplish easily; maybe you feel you don’t have the energy to go grocery shopping, or you can’t figure out how to squeeze in a shower.
- Less able to cope with ordinary stress: This may look like small problems triggering big feelings of overwhelm, irritation, anger, and annoyance.
- Not feeling present and engaged: This may feel like it is hard to connect to or enjoy your child(ren). Alternatively, you may feel dissociated or like you are just going through the motions.
- Feeling inadequate as a mom: You may feel other moms are better moms than you, you aren’t up to being a mom, and your children deserve a better mom.
- Always feeling guilty: Mom guilt may feel like when you are at work, you feel guilty you are not with your kids, and when you are with your kids, you feel guilty you are not at work.
- Decreased feelings of personal effectiveness: This may feel like not being able to get anything done at home or at work, feeling helpless in the face of a crying baby or tantruming toddler, or feeling out of control.
- Feeling grief at losing important parts of you: This may feel like you are only a mom and have ceased to be a wife, friend, or co-worker.
- Feeling resentful of your spouse: You may find yourself angry at your spouse, especially if your spouse is finding ways to continue to have access to those other roles when that is hard for you.
- Decreased coping resources: It may feel like you just can’t cope with the demands of being a mom.
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Reasons Why Moms Develop Depleted Mother Syndrome
Moms can develop depleted mother syndrome when they overextend themselves without taking the time and energy to fill themselves back up. No one can give from an empty cup! Many moms feel guilty and selfish for taking time for themselves, especially if they work full-time.
Moms are so hard on themselves – They expect themselves to be perfect, everywhere, always. And when they find that hard to live up to, they beat themselves for not being able to do it all perfectly. These feelings are aggravated due to social media and watching how “everyone else” seems to be doing everything perfectly.
Here are some reasons a mom can develop depleted mother syndrome:
Lack Support
There is a reason “it takes a village to help raise a child” is such a popular saying; no one can do it all themselves. Single moms, military moms, and moms whose husbands work a lot of hours or who are emotionally unavailable to help and support them are particularly susceptible.
Support can look like having someone to call to watch the baby while you take a nap, someone to take your older child to the playground while you nurse the baby, someone to cook you a meal when you feel overwhelmed, or just having a friend to call and connect with who will listen to you and validate your feelings.
Not Getting Enough Rest
It can be difficult to recharge your own emotional batteries when you are not getting enough sleep. Sleep is important for our mental health.1 New babies tend to have irregular sleep for the first few months; this can make it hard to get the rest you need.
Enough rest is considered to be five uninterrupted hours of sleep in a row. If you are not getting that, you may need to take naps during the day to make up for some of that lost sleep.
Not Eating Right
We know that eating healthy, nutritious food is good for us; it can be hard to do when you have a new baby or when you have small children. Some moms have picky eaters and focus their energy on feeding their kids what the kids will eat and forget about their own nutritional needs in the process. Remember, you have nutritional needs, too.
This is a time of life to find shortcuts and tips and tricks to help make things easier for yourself. This is not the time to think about experimenting with gourmet meals; this is the time for pre-cut fruit and pre-sliced vegetables or ready-made meal kits if that works in your budget.
Not Exercising Enough
It can be hard to find the time to move your body when you are caring for babies, toddlers, or small children. Just as they need to move their bodies to be healthy, so do you. Making time, even 5 or 10 minutes at a time, may make a difference. Even a small walk outside can help you to feel more grounded and centered.
Not Taking Enough Time For Yourself
Women are socialized to care for others, and as a culture, they are socialized to do it all by themselves. Moms are not used to asking for help and support or setting boundaries that support them. Like any other skill, these take some practice to use effectively.
Taking time for yourself will look different for each woman. It doesn’t have to cost money, it doesn’t have to take a lot of time, it doesn’t even have to be every day.
Taking time for yourself can look like:
- A peaceful cup of coffee, alone for 10 minutes each morning
- A spouse, friend, or family member watching your child so you can go out with your spouse or with a friend and be you for a few hours, stepping out of your role as “mommy” briefly. Putting your baby or toddler in childcare at the gym and giving your body the workout that it needs in order to feel good.
- Meeting a friend at the park and pushing your baby in the stroller outdoors in the fresh air.
Not Nurturing Your Friendships
It can feel easy to get lost in the needs and demands of your family. However, we all need friends. Making time for friends can look different; what matters is that you make time to nurture relationships and feel nurtured by them.
Not Connecting With Your Spouse
Again, it is all too easy to get lost in the demands of caring for a family and to lose that emotional intimacy that brought you together in the first place. Making sure you take time to nurture that relationship is important. It does not have to look like a babysitter and out to a fancy dinner – just making time to connect as people, separate from your role as parents, can help maintain your connection.
Nurturing your relationship with your spouse or partner could look like:
- Taking 5 minutes to check in with each other to see how you are feeling
- Watching a favorite show together
- Playing a game together
- Going for a 20-minute walk together
You Feel Everything Needs To Be Perfect
Moms feel so much pressure to get everything perfect. This can cause you to put a lot of unnecessary pressure on yourself. Embrace the motto “Good enough is good enough”. There is no such thing as perfect. Making space and easing up on the pressure can feel helpful.
Here are a few examples of reminding yourself that “good enough is good enough”:
- “My toddler’s meal isn’t cut into fun shapes like on that blog I saw – but it is good enough.”
- “My home isn’t perfect – but it is comfortable, and we can be ourselves in it, and that is good enough.”
- “I have good days and bad days, and that is totally normal. Every moment doesn’t have to be happy. Parenting is hard, and I am doing the best that I can do.”
Taking Children’s Challenges & Difficulties Personally
Many of us become triggered by our children’s tantrums and emotional outbursts. It is normal that we are wired to respond to our children’s distress; it doesn’t have to become your distress. You can validate your child’s experience, even if you don’t agree with it. That might look like saying, “You are upset right now; you really want that toy.”
For example, if one’s child has a meltdown in a public place, some moms personalize that and think – “My child is having a meltdown – I feel like a bad mom.” Try to reframe that thought into “My child is having a hard time right now; this isn’t about me.” Remember, your child(ren) is learning to cope with big feelings; they don’t yet have all the skills they need to cope.
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Am I a Bad Mom If I Have Depleted Mother Syndrome?
Having depleted mother syndrome doesn’t make you a bad mom; it just indicates that you’re stretched thin and in need of self-care. Many women struggle to take time for self-care as a mom, and this syndrome is often a result of the extreme demands of motherhood without adequate support or rest. Depleted mother syndrome serves as a signal that you need to prioritize your well-being.
There is a reason airlines tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting a child – our first instinct is to take care of our children. However, you need your own oxygen to be able to think clearly enough and help those who need you. You need to give yourself the same reminder and permission to take care of yourself first as a parent in order to be a good mom to your kid(s).
How to Cope With Depleted Mother Syndrome
To cope with depleted mother syndrome, focus on self-care and enlist support from loved ones. Carve out time for activities that nourish you, and consider talking to a professional for coping strategies. Know that healing will take time; your depleted mother syndrome won’t vanish because you took one yoga or meditation session. As you focus on your needs consistently, your cup will slowly fill up.
Here are some steps you can take to begin to help yourself heal and recover, including some worksheets to help guide you through some of the processes.
1. Practice Self-Care
It is important and necessary for mothers to practice self-care. No one can continue to give if they’ve depleted their resources. When you take better care of yourself, you have more to give your child and your family. Use our Self-Care for Depression Worksheet to experiment with different strategies and understand what works best for you.
Free Self-Care for Depression Worksheet
This worksheet is designed to help you practice a variety of specific self-care activities that can improve your depression.
2. Learn to Ask for Help
Many moms have a hard time asking for help because they feel like they should be able to do it all themselves. Remember that by asking for help and allowing other people to help you, you are providing space for others to bond with your child, too. How is Grandma going to feel close to your kid(s) if you never let her take care of them?
You can ask your friends and family to help with specific things, and asking for specific dates and times makes it easy for others to say “yes” and to know exactly how to help. If you feel too overwhelmed to come up with a specific thing you need help with, you can always ask for help with problem-solving.
Here are examples of texts you can send to loved ones asking for help:
- Would you be able to pick up the kid(s) from school? I am really exhausted and could use the extra time for a quick nap.
- I am feeling really overwhelmed this week; would you be able to help me? If you could put in a load of laundry for me, I would be very appreciative of that.
- Could you watch the kid(s) for me on [insert day] for [insert hours]? I could really use a small break.
- Could you take the kids for a play date this week? I am feeling exhausted and could use the mental break. I can watch your kids next week.
- Would you be able to take the baby for a walk around the block? I am overwhelmed and could use a small break.
- Would you be able to meet me for a walk on [insert day]? I am feeling stressed out and could use a shoulder to cry on.
- I am feeling overwhelmed; can you help me figure out how you might be able to support me right now?
Lower Your Stress & Avoid Burnout
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3. Reframe Your Thoughts
Maybe you are thinking things such as: “I’ll never have any alone time ever again.” Ask yourself if this statement is true – of course it isn’t. It just may feel that way. Instead, you can remind yourself that this is a short season of your life, and while it may feel very intense, it won’t always be this way. Pay special attention to thoughts that start with “always” and “never” – these tend to be the thoughts that need to be challenged the most.
Some thoughts that may benefit from reframing include things like:
- I’ll never have a good night’s sleep again
- I’ll never have time to myself again
- My baby will always cry, and I will always feel frazzled
- My toddler will always tantrum in public
- My child will always need help with homework
- My child will never be independent
You can recognize unhealthy thought patterns that are making your depression symptoms worse by practicing cognitive restructuring. Use our Cognitive Restructuring for Depression Worksheet each time you have an unwanted thought you would like to reframe.
Cognitive Restructuring for Depression Worksheet
You can recognize unhealthy thought patterns that are making your depression symptoms worse by practicing cognitive restructuring with this worksheet.
4. Remind Yourself This Is Temporary
Depleted Mother Syndrome is temporary. As you learn to ask for help and support and learn coping skills and ways to refill your own emotional cup, you will find that your emotional gas tank gets full. As you learn to fill your own self up, you may find that you have more capacity to enjoy being a mom again, no matter what stage of life you are at.
5. Use Mindfulness Tools & Breathwork
Pausing for a quick meditation break or even taking three deep breaths can help you to re-regulate your own nervous system, which will leave you feeling calmer and more grounded. We are wired to find our babies’ cries or our older children’s meltdowns distressing; using short pauses to calm your own nervous system may help you to calm your baby or child.2
Mindfulness apps, such as Calm or Headspace, are a great way to implement mindfulness into your daily life. They provide different-length mindfulness videos that you can utilize depending on how much time you have on your hands.
6. Create a Support Network for Yourself
It can feel very validating to spend time with other parents going through the same things you are. See if you can find some supportive networks to connect with. Many communities have a free newsletter with free local events for children; this can be a good resource for you
You can create a support network for yourself by joining a:
- New mom’s groups
- Mom’s Clubs
- Mom-based meetups
- Storytime at the local public library
- Playgroups
- Some religious organizations offer free playgroups for small children
7. Make Time to Exercise
Exercise has a strong impact on mental health and is a very powerful way to take care of yourself.3 It can help to boost your mood and your endorphins, the “feel good” hormones. When you finish a walk or a workout, it can give you a feeling of accomplishment, which can be very helpful for your mood and self-esteem.
For moms who recently gave birth, just make sure to get some fresh air and gently move your body as your medical clearance allows. Even taking your baby or child for a short walk outdoors can help elevate your mood and your energy. If your child is older, consider making regular outings to the park or playground a part of your routine. You could also look for ways to incorporate movement and play into family time or your child’s playtime.
Keep in mind that many communities offer stroller fit-type classes where you can bring your baby or older child while you exercise, and many YMCAs or other gyms have childcare to make it easier for you to get your workout in.
8. Acknowledge Difficult Thoughts & Feelings
Many of us have very high expectations of motherhood: how we will feel and how our days will go. No one expects to have a baby who cries a lot or a child who struggles with aggression on the playground. These difficult days can really impact our self-esteem and our feelings towards our child(ren). Talking about your feelings can help you come to terms with them. It also allows other people to support you and validate your feelings.
Sharing feelings of stress and overwhelm can feel good; it allows other people to hear how you are doing and creates opportunities for them to validate and support you. Additionally, you may feel like you are the only mom struggling, and it can feel very validating to hear that other moms struggle sometimes, too.
Acknowledging difficult thoughts and feelings can look like:
- “Being a Mom is really hard.”
- “I feel like I will never have time for myself anymore.”
- “I am spending so much time caring for the baby I can’t get anything done around the house.”
- “This is harder than I thought it would be.”
9. Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations
It is not uncommon for first-time parents to underestimate significantly the time it will take to care for a newborn or toddler – caring for small children is a full-time job with no time off for sleep! Letting go of unrealistic expectations is a critical part of functioning better.
Remember, your baby or child won’t always be so reliant on you and needs this level of care and attention. In time, you will be able to manage caring for your baby and other personal, professional, and household tasks; right now, though, it is okay to not get to everything or do everything beneath the standard you are used to.
One example of letting go of unrealistic expectations is: “I am not getting anything done around the house, and the laundry is piling up – and that is okay. Right now, my highest priority is caring for my baby and getting the sleep I need. The laundry can wait.”
Here is another example: “I feel overwhelmed with the demands of my toddler; I feel like I can’t get anything done around the house. It’s ok for me to prioritize my own mental health right now. When my child is a little older, it may be easier to get on a good routine”.
10. Find Other Parents to Connect With
It can be very empowering to spend time with other parents going through what you are going through. Seek out local resources where you can connect with other moms, such as new mom’s groups, playgroups, or storytime at the library. Many houses of worship have programs geared specifically towards moms, which can be a great way to find moms with similar values.
11. Reduce Time Spent on Social Media
Many moms wonder if they are being a good enough mother, especially if their baby cries a lot. Seeing people on social media who make parenting look effortless can trigger feelings of being less competent or valuable than other moms around you. If a mom you follow on social media is making you feel bad about yourself, it is OK to unfollow them. Make sure your social media usage is empowering you.
When to Seek Professional Support
It may be time to find a therapist if you are continuously feeling depleted, if you are frequently irritated with your spouse and kid(s), or if you feel you don’t have the skills you need to cope with your life. A therapist will help you find ways to take good care of yourself and to help you find good ways to care for and connect with your family. Remember, therapists aren’t here to judge you; we are often hardest on ourselves!
There are many resources available to help you find treatment. If your schedule feels too busy to fit in therapy, an online therapy platform can be a good solution. Online therapy allows you to pursue therapy whenever and from wherever is convenient.
Here are some treatment options a depleted mom should consider:
- Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT can help you to become more aware of your inner self-talk. Many of us speak negatively to ourselves; CBT can help you reframe your negative self-talk and help you be more positive towards yourself.
- Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT): DBT focuses on regulating emotions. Becoming a parent can trigger very intense emotions; learning how to manage and regulate our own emotions is a great skill to learn as a parent.
- Psychodynamic therapy: Psychodynamic therapy helps people look at their patterns of behavior, especially those that stem from our past. Once we understand where our patterns of behavior come from, that makes it easier to make better, more empowering choices here and now.
- Attachment-based therapy: Attachment-based therapy helps people look at their patterns of attachment, especially at how well they bonded with significant others in their lives, such as parents or romantic partners. It can be helpful for people who experienced trauma, abuse, or neglect in childhood and have difficulty regulating their emotions or expressing them in healthy ways.
In My Experience
Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.
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Freeman, D., et al. (2017). The effects of improving sleep on mental health (OASIS): a randomised controlled trial with mediation analysis. The Lancet Psychiatry, 4(10), 749-758.
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Women’s, men’s brains respond differently to hungry infant’s cries. (2015, July 28). National Institutes of Health (NIH). https://www.nih.gov/news-events/news-releases/womens-mens-brains-respond-differently-hungry-infants-cries
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Basso, J. C., & Suzuki, W. A. (2017). The effects of acute exercise on mood, cognition, neurophysiology, and neurochemical pathways: a review. Brain Plasticity, 2(2), 127-152.
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Primary Changes: Fact checked and edited for improved readability and clarity. Added Self-Care for Depression Worksheet.Added Cognitive Restructuring for Depression Worksheet.
Author: Elizabeth C Meyer, LICSW, CPCC
Reviewer:Kristen Fuller, MD
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Frequently Asked Questions
How Does Depleted Mother Syndrome Impact a Child?
Depleted mother syndrome can impact your developing relationship with your child. If you continually feel anger or frustration towards your baby, toddler, or child, this can interfere with your forming a healthy relationship with your child. It is important to make space to recognize your feelings and to reach out and get help so that you can bond with your child(ren) in a way that feels good for you.
Should I Protect My Kids From Knowing I Have Depleted Mother Syndrome?
If you have depleted mother syndrome, you do not need to share this with your child. It is okay to share some of your feelings in an age-appropriate way, but you do not have to share every feeling you have with your child. Maybe this looks something like, “Mommy is going to take 5 minutes by herself while you (read this book, play with this game, build with these blocks) and then Mommy will come back”.
You can share your feelings with other adults, including a friend, your spouse, or a therapist, to get the help and support you need to begin to feel better so you don’t feel so burnt out and depleted.
The best way to protect your kids from your depleted mother syndrome is to work on healing yourself. When you refill your own cup and care for yourself, you may find yourself having more patience for your child(ren) and their needs. You may even find yourself able to enjoy your child(ren) again.
Why Am I Tired of Being a Mother?
Many moms occasionally feel like they regret having kids and don’t want to be a mom anymore. It is not uncommon to miss doing the spontaneous things you used to do before having a child (like sleeping all through the night). Having this feeling occasionally is normal and does not make you a bad mom. The important thing is to realize there are steps you can take to help yourself begin to feel better.
If you feel persistent sadness, difficulty bonding with your child(ren), or have any thoughts of harming yourself or your kid(s), you should seek help immediately. Call or text 988 – this Suicide and Crisis Lifeline provides 24/7, confidential support to people in suicidal crisis or mental health-related distress.
Is it Okay to Be Selfish as a Mom?
Self-care is not selfish. Not only is it important for you to practice self-care, but it is necessary. If you give until your cup is empty, that does not help you and definitely not your children. It sounds counterintuitive, but by caring for yourself and learning to fill your own cup, you are refilling yourself so that you have something left to give to your child, your family, and, above all, yourself.
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