Dealing with mom rage can feel difficult, but you can find ways to calm down. When you learn what exactly is triggering you or getting under your skin, you’ll be able to recover. Coping with mom rage starts with recognizing your frustrations and making the effort to take a deep breath, walk away, and de-escalate the situation.
I hope you have time to read the whole article, but if you don’t I’ve recorded my thoughts on mom rage here:
What Is Mom Rage?
Rage is recognized as a symptom of postpartum depression and anxiety, but it can extend beyond the postpartum period.1 It can also be a symptom of stay-at-home mom depression, due to the role mothers may find themselves in for years with multiple kids.
Where Does Mom Rage Come From?
There are a variety of societal factors that contribute to mom rage, including unpaid emotional labor, financial strain, body image, stressors related to becoming or being a mom, and more.1 Mom rage can stem from symptoms of both postpartum (i.e., postpartum rage), perimenopause, menopause, and depression.
Mom Rage vs. Normal Anger
Mom rage differs from “normal” types of anger in that it feels as if the anger has severely crossed the line. The onset and explosion of anger feels uncontrollable. Carolyn Wagner, therapist and founder of The Calm Mama Method, describes it as “Anger that is so intense it feels like it shouldn’t even be called just ‘anger.’ The kind that sneaks up on you and before you know it, you are exploding.”3
How Does Mom Rage Hurt Mothers & Children?
Mom rage can lead to unhealthy experiences for children and parents due to feelings of guilt, resentment, anxiety, and depression that are often a result. If you asked any parent if they were eager to be yelling at their child, they would say no. Some parents may feel relieved knowing they established a boundary with their child, but most are riddled with guilt and anxiety over doing so.
When we ignore mom rage, it disrupts the bond between mother and child. The ability to trust and rely on one another begins to diminish. The entire family system can be affected. Partners are often unsure of how to support or comfort, so they may also be wary of comforting their child over their partner when both are upset.
Children may pick up unhealthy ways of coping with their own big emotions and resort to using anger and rage to express them in the future.
8 Tips For Dealing With Mom Rage
Ways to deal with mom rage include taking a pause, practicing deep-breathing, taking a break, walking away, and remembering you don’t have to be right.
Here are eight tips if you’re dealing with mom rage:
1. Pause & Take a Deep Breath
It’s easy to get caught up in the moment and become overwhelmed with rage and frustration. I often remind clients that before we can move onto doing anything else, it begins with the breath. Give it a try right now. Even if you’re calm, get used to taking deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth.
2. Take a Break & Walk Away
This can mean literally or figuratively. There are some situations where walking away isn’t available to you (maybe you’re in the car) but if you can, take a moment to give yourself (and your child) some space and come back later a bit more level headed.
It may even be helpful to announce and suggest this. Say something like, “I’m getting really frustrated right now, how about we give this conversation a break?” Keep in mind that your children need healthy modeling of coping skills, and this gives them the permission to walk away.
3. Remember, You Don’t Have to Be Right
The parent-child relationship is complicated. There are many schools of thought on how the relationship with your child should be, but at the end of the day, I’m here to let you in on a little secret… you don’t always have to be right. Focusing on trying to prove your point or convince the other party to see things your way can miss the message entirely.
4. List the Things That Are In & Out of Your Control
Make a side-by-side list. Write down the things that you can and cannot control; some examples would be your breath, your tone, and your body language vs. your child’s feelings or opinion, or timing of the event. When you’re able to take a step back and focus on the things that are in your control, you can start to put your energy into those and improve the situation.
Also, remind yourself that you’re not responsible for anyone else’s feelings or opinions, rather be mindful of how you are contributing to their feelings.
5. Start & End Your Day With Time For Yourself
Taking even a few minutes in the morning and evening for yourself can make a difference, especially if your rage stems from mom burnout. Think of it like you’re creating “bookends” of self-care. This can be as simple as taking a deep breath, or making a list of five things you’re grateful for. If you have more time, engage in meditation for anger or stretching.
Anything that gives you time to yourself without interruption will help you feel grounded and able to manage these big feelings. It doesn’t have to be the very first thing and very last thing that you do, but it’s the conscious effort to choose to take the time out of your day.
6. Ask For Help
In my therapy and coaching practice, asking for help is one of the biggest pain points for many people, but it’s an incredibly important part of being human. There is a pre-existing belief that asking for help is a sign of weakness. Think about things that you can start taking off your plate. This might be household or childcare responsibilities, or asking for some quiet time to yourself.
It takes practice from both parties, you (the one asking for help) and the helper. You have to be open to letting go of control while also building your trust in others to rely on them. It gets easier and more rewarding when you’re able to get support from others.
This help also may not come from your immediate family, and maybe it’s hired support, such as a laundry service, grocery delivery or even someone to help clean up. At the end of the day it’s still asking for and receiving help.
Popular Choices For Online Therapy
BetterHelp – Best For Those “On A Budget”
Online-Therapy.com – Best For Multiple Sessions Per Week
According to 14 Best Therapy Services (updated on 1/16/2023), Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp and Online-Therapy.
7. Show Yourself Compassion
Resist the urge to be self-critical and instead give yourself some grace and self-compassion. Self-compassion has been associated with a wide range of benefits such as enhanced mood, better relationships, decreased mental distress, increased endurance, self-acceptance, and good health.4
If you aren’t sure how to practice self-compassion, start by being intentional about it. Then choose something that you think you can stick with like journaling to acknowledge your goodness, engaging in a loving-kindness meditation, or using mantras or self-affirmations. Adapting this mindset may not come easily at first, but with practice you will notice positive changes in yourself.4
8. Practice Stress Management
It is believed that stress may affect women more harshly than men, making them more prone to serious mental health conditions. Adding parenting distress coupled with bouts of rage can further harm your wellbeing. That’s why it’s paramount that you manage your stress well and find healthy strategies to build emotional resilience and better cope with motherhood demands.5
To effectively manage your stress, start by ensuring that you’re getting restful sleep, eating nourishing foods, and engaging in regular exercise. It’s also crucial that you enhance your wellness by connecting socially, engaging in enjoyable and wholesome activities, practicing mindfulness, etc. Knowing how to properly mitigate stress can strengthen your inner reserves and help you sustain a stable mindset when faced with life’s challenges.5
When to Consider Help From a Therapist
You might consider getting help from a therapist if you are more irritable or angry than not, or if you have frequent angry outbursts or crying spells.
Signs to consider help from a therapist are:
- Finding yourself irritable on most days
- Frequent outbursts of crying or yelling
- Feeling isolated
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Unable to identify the source or trigger for your rage
How Therapy Can Help With Mom Rage
Exploring the underlying reasons for your rage in therapy can be helpful. You may find the frustration isn’t with your child at all, but with yourself. You may discover underlying beliefs like “I should’ve woken up earlier today,” “If I were more organized, things would take less time to clean up,” or “If I had known they were going to be hungry again, I would’ve planned better.”
The reality is that those things are out of your control. It’s your job to focus on the situation at hand and remind yourself of the details that are in your control.
Finding a Therapist
A therapist can help you determine those things, and come up with coping mechanisms and anger management. It’s important to find a therapist you feel comfortable working with. If you’re ready to find a therapist, consult an online therapist directory to get started on your journey to freedom from troublesome thoughts.
Final Thoughts on Mom Rage
Coping with motherhood can be difficult and bring about feelings of anger that may be too intense to control. Although it’s normal to feel angry, it’s important to recognize when your ire rises to unhealthy levels so that you can find healthy ways to cope. Identifying your anger-related triggers, trying to self-soothe, and effectively managing your stress can be some of the ways to regain mental and emotional balance.
How to Deal With Mom Rage Infographics
