Empaths & Narcissists: Understanding Attraction, Manipulation, and Healing

What Is a Narcissist?

A narcissist is someone who views themselves in a higher than thou attitude, where they believe they are more special and deserving of things. A diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder is marked by grandiose thinking, inflated sense of ego, lack of empathy, and a need to be admired by all. They have deeply rooted insecurities and fears which are covered up by these narcissist traits.

What Is an Empath?

Empaths are attuned to others’ emotions and are sensitive to feelings of other people. They tend to prioritize the needs of others ahead of their own and give without being asked. They feel deeply and feel good about helping others so much so that they can absorb others’ emotions. Empaths tend to be overflowing with compassion for other people.¹

Why Are Empaths & Narcissists Attracted to Each Other?

Given their great amount of compassion, the empath is prone to absorbing the emotions and energy of others. When they meet a narcissist, the energy they sense triggers something in them that ignites their need to comfort the narcissist, beginning the cycle of narcissistic supply.

Usually, the empath believes (often subconsciously) they can heal and help the narcissist, so they pour themselves into showing the narcissist their worth, but the narcissist never will see it. The narcissist in this position will take advantage of the empath and see their compassion as weakness. The attraction between the two is profoundly due to their complementary desires, unhealthy as it may be, to seek attention and validation from one another. These are likely to become more problematic if the empath has a tendency to be more codependent in relationships.

How the Narcissist-Empath Relationship Becomes Abusive

The relationship between a narcissist and an empath can become toxic and abusive due to the fundamental differences in how each person processes emotions and handles conflicts. Understanding the dynamics at play helps uncover why these relationships often spiral into cycles of harm.

The Root of Narcissistic Behavior

Narcissists often deflect their feelings onto others due to underlying pain and insecurity. Their behavior may stem from having narcissistic caregivers or parents, or experiences of abuse or trauma in their upbringing. However, these experiences do not excuse the emotional and physical abuse they inflict on their partners, who become victims in these relationships.

How Narcissists Exploit Empaths

The empath’s deep need for love becomes a vulnerability that narcissists exploit. For the narcissist, this dynamic serves as a way to fulfill their own needs without taking responsibility for their actions. Until narcissists are able to reflect on their behaviors and process their emotions, narcissists won’t change.²

The Cycle of Abuse and Blame

In a relationship with a narcissist, the narcissist keeps the empath trapped in a cycle of emotional or physical abuse. Narcissists demoralize their partners, using them as scapegoats for their dysfunctional feelings. Meanwhile, empaths, who often internalize blame, accept the burden of guilt. To outsiders, the narcissist may present as the victim, when in fact, the empath is the one suffering.

Trauma Bonds and Difficult Choices

Empaths in narcissistic relationships often face a difficult choice: stay and endure the abuse or leave and force the narcissist to confront their feelings. If the empath stays, it’s often due to a trauma bond—a deep emotional attachment formed through repeated cycles of abuse. Breaking this bond can be difficult and requires self-awareness and support.

The Narcissist’s Response to Separation

When an empath decides to leave, the narcissist typically reacts by discarding them, often in a cold and callous manner. This can add insult to injury for the empath. The narcissist will quickly find another victim to continue their pattern of obtaining narcissistic supply, perpetuating the cycle.³

What Happens When an Empath Decides to Leave a Narcissist?

Leaving any relationship is challenging. But ending a relationship with a narcissist tends to be far more difficult. You may struggle with a perpetual inner conflict about leaving; on the one hand, you might feel ready to say goodbye and move on, but you might also feel guilty, afraid, or anxious about taking such a drastic step.

When leaving this kind of relationship, it’s essential to have support in place. This is the time to lean on your close friends and family. Do not hesitate to reach out for help. If possible, consider connecting with an experienced trauma therapist specializing in people leaving abusive relationships through an online therapy platform or in person. You may benefit from trauma therapy or EMDR to heal.

How Empaths Can Protect Themselves From a Narcissist

Trying to deal with a narcissist will be difficult. To manage a situation with a narcissist, setting firm boundaries, getting an outsider’s perspective, and not giving in to their facades are great places to start.

Here are four ways to protect yourself from a narcissist if you’re an empath:

1. Set Clear Boundaries

First, it’s important to set firm boundaries and understand that the narcissist will try to push and test these limits. Setting boundaries from the start may seem unfair to those who have a sense of self and can empathize with others, but remember, the narcissist will take as much as you give, without giving anything back. If they get angry and attack or threaten to leave you, you will see their true colors from the beginning.

2. Take an Outsider’s Perspective

Don’t be fooled into thinking that your efforts will be appreciated—instead, recognize what the relationship looks like from an outside view. Talking to a therapist who has an unbiased perspective can help ensure you’ve got a clear understanding of the situation and are setting appropriate boundaries.⁴

3. Remember That They Won’t Reciprocate

Soothing their hurt ego or feelings won’t help the narcissist with their struggle with accountability, especially at the expense of your own emotions. Furthermore, you will not be appreciated for your valiant efforts. The narcissist will give nothing in return, and it will likely become a cycle where you will feel a pull to help them while they never show up for you.

4. Don’t Give Second Chances

Second chances are the favorite appeal of narcissists. They thrive on starting this cycle of abuse and watching you spiral. If they feel they are going to lose you—and the attention they get from you—the narcissist will do what they need to do to ensure you stick around and fall right back into the same habits. They will put on a show for a while until you are convinced that giving a second chance is worth the risk, and you will fall right back into the same cycle of psychological abuse. This is how a trauma bond forms.⁵

When & How a Therapist Can Help

The right time to get help with these narcissist relationship patterns is when it’s identified by one or both partners as an issue in the relationship. It can be challenging to talk about with your partner, so it’s important to consider individual or couples therapy, depending on what your issues are. Given the emotionally volatile and potentially abusive nature of these relationships, it’s important to seek help immediately if you feel you are in danger of any kind. Asking if narcissists are dangerous is a legitimate question that should be considered in these situations.

Any type of mental health clinician is able to facilitate therapy for narcissistic and empathetic relationship dysfunction as long as they have the experience. Seeking therapy is a big challenge for those with narcissistic personality disorder due to the major gaps in self-awareness that don’t allow them to recognize areas for self-improvement. It may be likely that the empath in the relationship is the one to initiate therapy.

How to Find a Therapist

One great way to find a therapist for these types of relationships is by searching an online therapist directory. All licensed therapists can be equipped to help people struggling with mental health issues, but you may want to look for someone who specializes in narcissism. Reading reviews and looking at clinician bios to understand the scope of their practice can give you an idea of whether their experience suits your situation. Many therapists offer a free phone consultation to help you know if you’ll be a good fit.

Another way to locate a therapist is by referral, which can come from a trusted loved one or a physician. Healthcare providers often have access to a network of other providers who can be helpful. Going through your physician or specialist is also a great way to keep them in the loop about any treatment options or trauma experienced.