The relationship between a narcissist and an empath is one-sided, with one partner being the giver and the other taking as much as they can, leaving the other dry. Much like a parasitic relationship, the empath wants to help by providing love and support to the narcissist, who thrives on this type of attention. Unfortunately, narcissists often end up controlling the empath, given their emotionally manipulative and selfish tendencies.
Check out this video where I share more thoughts on empaths and narcissists:
What Is a Narcissist?
A narcissist is someone who views themselves in a higher than thou attitude, where they believe they are more special and deserving of things. They tend to have a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder, which is marked by grandiose thinking, inflated sense of ego, lack of empathy, and a need to be admired by all. Deep down, they have deeply rooted insecurities and fears which are covered up by these narcissist traits.
What Is an Empath?
Empaths are attuned to others’ emotions and are sensitive to feelings of other people. They tend to prioritize the needs of others ahead of their own and give without being asked. They feel deeply and feel good about helping others so much so that they can absorb others’ emotions. Empaths tend to be overflowing with compassion for other people.1
Why Are Empaths & Narcissists Attracted to Each Other?
Given their great amount of compassion, the empath is prone to absorbing the emotions and energy of others. When they meet a narcissist, the energy they sense triggers something in them that ignites their need to comfort the narcissist, beginning the cycle of narcissistic supply.
Usually, the empath believes (often subconsciously) they can heal and help the narcissist, so they pour themselves into showing the narcissist their worth, but the narcissist never will see it. The narcissist in this position will take advantage of the empath and see their compassion as weakness. The attraction between the two is profoundly due to their complementary desires, unhealthy as it may be to seek attention and validation from one another. These are likely to become more problematic if the empath has a tendency to be more codependent in relationships.
Narcissists tend to deflect all their feelings onto others because of their underlying pain and insecurity. They too may have had narcissist caregivers or parents, or experienced some kind of abuse or traumatic event that shaped their upbringing. However, this is not an excuse for the emotional and sometimes physical abuse inflicted on their partners, who become victims.
The narcissist has the opportunity to exploit the empath’s need for love for their own fulfillment. In this sense, the narcissist is unlikely to consider their actions as problems. Until they are able to reflect on their own behaviors and feel their feelings, the narcissist will not change.2
The narcissist is able to keep the empath in a cycle of emotional or physical abuse and continue to demoralize the empath and use them as the scapegoat for their own dysfunctional feelings. Empaths tend to internalize feelings and accept blame. The narcissist then portrays themself as the victim when in fact the empath is the true victim.
The only option an empath has here is to decide whether they want to continue to be in a relationship with a narcissist or take themselves out of the equation so the narcissist has to take ownership of their own feelings. If the former, it’s likely that the empath has formed a trauma bond with the narcissist, which can be hard to break out of or even recognize. If the latter, the narcissists will discard the empath instantaneously—adding insult to injury for the empath. The narcissist will be quick to find another victim so they can continue to get their narcissistic supply.3
How Attachment Styles Inform Adult Relationships
We tend to replay scenarios in our adult romantic relationships based on our childhood attachment style and experiences with our caregivers and parents. Empaths tend to desire validation and love from a narcissist, potentially due to their childhood experience of not having their emotional needs met by a caregiver or parent. Likely, an empath had a narcissistic parent, or experienced some kind of emotional neglect in which they learned that love is conditional. This has set them up for heartbreak in their adulthood.
How to Protect Yourself From a Narcissist
Trying to deal with a narcissist will be difficult. To manage a situation with a narcissist, setting firm boundaries, getting an outsider’s perspective, and not giving in to their facades are great places to start.
Here are four ways to protect yourself from a narcissist if you’re an empath:
1. Set Clear Boundaries
First, it’s important to set firm boundaries and understand that the narcissist will try to push and test these limits. Setting boundaries from the start may seem unfair to those who have a sense of self and can empathize with others, but remember, the narcissist will take as much as you give, without giving anything back. If they get angry and attack or threaten to leave you, you will see their true colors from the beginning.
2. Take an Outsider’s Perspective
Don’t be fooled into thinking that your efforts will be appreciated—instead, recognize what the relationship looks like from an outside view. Talking to a therapist who has an unbiased perspective can help ensure you’ve got a clear understanding of the situation and are setting appropriate boundaries.4
3. Remember That They Won’t Reciprocate
Soothing their hurt ego or feelings won’t help the narcissist with their struggle with accountability, especially at the expense of your own emotions. Furthermore, you will not be appreciated for your valiant efforts. The narcissist will give nothing in return, and it will likely become a cycle where you will feel a pull to help them while they never show up for you.
4. Don’t Give Second Chances
Second chances are the favorite appeal of narcissists. They thrive on starting this cycle of abuse and watching you spiral. If they feel they are going to lose you—and the attention they get from you—the narcissist will do what they need to do to ensure you stick around and fall right back into the same habits. They will put on a show for a while until you are convinced that giving a second chance is worth the risk, and you will fall right back into the same cycle of psychological abuse. This is how a trauma bond forms.5
When & How a Therapist Can Help
The right time to get help with these narcissist relationship patterns is when it’s identified by one or both partners as an issue in the relationship. It can be challenging to talk about with your partner, so it’s important to consider individual or couples therapy, depending on what your issues are. Given the emotionally volatile and potentially abusive nature of these relationships, it’s important to seek help immediately if you feel you are in danger of any kind. It is a legitimate question to ask, “Are narcissists dangerous?” that should be considered in these situations.
Any type of mental health clinician is able to facilitate therapy for narcissistic and empathetic relationship dysfunction as long as they have the experience. Seeking therapy is a big challenge for those with narcissistic personality disorder due to the major gaps in self-awareness that don’t allow them to recognize areas for self-improvement. It may be likely that the empath in the relationship is the one to initiate therapy.
How to Find a Therapist
One great way to find a therapist for these types of relationships is by searching an online therapist directory. All licensed therapists can be equipped to help people struggling with mental health issues, but you may want to look for someone who specializes in narcissism. Reading reviews and looking at clinician bios to understand the scope of their practice can give you an idea of whether their experience suits your situation. Many therapists offer a free phone consultation to help you know if you’ll be a good fit.
Another way to locate a therapist is by referral, which can come from a trusted loved one or a physician. Healthcare providers often have access to a network of other providers who can be helpful. Going through your physician or specialist is also a great way to keep them in the loop about any treatment options or trauma experienced.
Final Thoughts
If you’re an empath in a relationship with a narcissist, talking to a therapist who specializes in this area of personal growth can make a big difference in how you feel. Together, you and your therapist will develop a plan to help you through this situation and establish a safety plan if you feel that you are in danger.
