Narcissistic personality disorder is a condition with the power to affect relationships in negative ways. People with this disorder may engage in a set of narcissistic relationship patterns that keep their partners stuck in unhealthy and unhappy cycles. Identifying these behaviors can leave you better prepared to avoid them in the future, and end any poor relationships.
What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Like other personality disorders, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a serious condition that affects a person’s entire life. An important aspect of a true narcissist is their fragility. Beneath their grand ideas and accomplishments lie an uncertain, fearful person. If they do not get positive reinforcement from others, they can melt down and experience intense feelings of shame, guilt, and depression.1
A pattern of grandiosity and narcissism marks NPD, and those with the condition think they are amazingly special and superior to others. They have an insatiable need for praise, admiration, and love. Moreover, narcissists struggle to relate to others. They lack accurate empathy and cannot understand other people’s opinions or points of view.1
According to current diagnostic criteria in the DSM-5, NPD is characterized by:1
- A tendency to exaggerate and inflate accomplishments to sound more impressive
- Being fixated on power, success, beauty, intelligence, and perfection
- Feeling so special that only other “special” people can understand them
- Expecting special treatment from others in all settings
- Taking advantage of manipulating others
- Appearing arrogant and self-assured
7 Narcissistic Relationship Patterns
Perhaps more than anything, NPD affects a person’s relationships. Narcissists tend to have a combination of traits that make them simultaneously appealing and frustrating. At any given time, loved ones could be completely angry and aggravated by the person but feel compelled to maintain their relationship.
Narcissistic people can employ all sorts of patterns to control and dictate their relationships. These patterns could be intentional or unintentional consequences of their condition. Though they differ, the relationship patterns will likely take root in manipulation and some form of abuse. It’s never easy to be in a long-term relationship with a narcissist.
Here are seven narcissistic relationship patterns to be aware of:2
1. They Use You
A primary relationship pattern of someone with NPD is objectification; they will continuously use you for their own gain. In short, they will not see you as a valuable and worthwhile person. To them, you are only a tool they can use to get what they want.
The ways in which they use you can vary. For example, you could be used for sex, money, access to a lifestyle or prestige, or to make others jealous. Your presence is only an accessory to show off their accomplishments.
2. They Lovebomb
People with NPD tend to be persuasive and charming–they know how to get what they want and often accomplish this by love bombing. They do so by showering someone with love, attention, and affection. Of course, this intense level of “love” cannot be sustained, so efforts wear off quickly. The person you fell in love with will eventually be replaced by their true narcissistic behaviors.
3. They Abuse You
People with NPD will build you up and then, very quickly, break you down. They do this through various forms of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. A narcissist will work to assert their power and control over time and time again. They will verbally attack you, emotionally assault you, and physically harm you to maintain their position in the relationship.
4. They Gaslight
One type of frequently used narcissistic abuse is narcissistic gaslighting. When a narcissist gaslights, they work to create self-doubt and second guessing in their partner. The partner may begin to question their memory or recollection of events, and lose trust in themselves. This will, in turn, lead them to rely on the narcissist for details of a situation.
5. They Create Sympathy
People with NPD constantly expose their relationships to a “push and pull.” They will bring the person closer, push them away, and bring them in again. One way they do this is by creating sympathy in you.
The narcissist may present a sad story of their trauma, struggles, or difficult upbringing. Even though much of the content could be true, it is only used as a tool for narcissistic manipulation. The person simply wants you to see them as a sympathetic character, to excuse their bad behavior.
6. They Distance You From Loved Ones
For a narcissist, codependency in a relationship is their goal. They are the emotional manipulator, and you are the recipient who needs them to feel well and function. They create greater dependency by distancing you from your loved ones. Without the support of these important people, you will become more connected to and reliant on the narcissist.
7. They Convince You to Hate Yourself
They love you, and then they are mean to you. They make you feel amazing, and then they make you hate yourself. You may have entered the relationship feeling strong and confident, but with all of the manipulation and abuse, you will lose self-esteem and self-worth. Leaving them becomes much more challenging when you feel unworthy, which is exactly what they want.
Is It Possible for a Relationship With a Narcissist to Be Good?
If your partner has a narcissistic personality disorder, obtaining and sustaining a great relationship may be extremely challenging. The nature of the condition makes having a healthy, reciprocal relationship very unlikely. Even so, you may wish to exhaust every option before ending the relationship.3, 4
Here are some tips to try when working to overcome narcissistic relationship patterns:
- Practice healthy communication: People with NPD will use manipulation and passive or aggressive communication. Stick with communicating in clear and assertive ways for the best success.
- Rebuild trust in the relationship: Set some simple and achievable goals for your partner. If they can accomplish these tasks, this may show you that they deserve some trust.
- Take a break: Having a consistent relationship with a narcissist can be exhausting. Feel free to take breaks to clear your mind and develop a fresh approach.
- Set limits and follow through: Let your partner know what happens when they break your trust or hurts you. Follow through on the plan and set healthy boundaries in the relationship to show you have power, too.
- Know when to end it: People with personality disorders tend to change very little over time. If you could not have a good relationship in the past, it’s unlikely you will have a good relationship in the present or future.
How to Cope & Move on From Narcissistic Relationship Patterns
Developing healthy coping mechanisms after a toxic relationship is challenging but necessary. Without moving on from the poor relationship, you may begin to think that the manner in which the narcissist treated you was normal when it was anything but.
Here are some healthy coping strategies to try when healing from narcissistic discard:4, 5
- Accept the facts: Acknowledge that you were taken advantage of by a narcissist. Even though this can be painful, admitting the truth can always help.
- Practice self-love and self-compassion: These relationships can crush your self-esteem. Focus on rebuilding your sense of self.
- Practice self-care: Self-care is a mental and behavioral process. Make sure you give yourself the time, attention, and love you need.
- Seek out the boring: The intensity of NPD relationship patterns can feel exciting, even though they are hurtful. Because of this, a healthy relationship may feel boring or bland. However, this is exactly the relationship you need to seek for your health.
- Stop believing the lies: Your former partner may convince you they’ve reformed. This change is extremely unlikely, though. NPD is a serious mental condition that does not rapidly resolve, even with treatment.
- Believe in something better: An NPD relationship may make you think all relationships are painful and stressful. Stay optimistic and believe that happy, healthy relationships are possible.
When to Seek Professional Help
You should consider therapy any time your stress grows, your mood decreases, or your anxiety increases. Therapy can help you re-examine your behaviors and plan for the future. Luckily, finding the right therapist does not have to be challenging. You can utilize an online therapist directory, which offers helpful resources for numerous mental health needs.
Below are some therapy methods to try:
- Marriage & Couples Counseling: During the relationship, couples counseling can shed light on the problematic nature of your partner and help you identify ways you can respond to the relationship.
- Group Therapy: Understanding that other people struggled through relationships with narcissists can be extremely helpful in showing you are not alone.
- Individual Therapy: More tailored to your exacting needs and wants, individual therapy can move your thoughts and feelings towards a healthier direction.
- Support Groups: Not technically professional help, support groups are led by peers with similar experiences.
- Grief and loss therapy: Ending a relationship is a loss, even if it is toxic. Grief counseling can help you cope with the loss and accept it is over.
Final Thoughts
Further support may be necessary if you or a loved one is involved with a narcissist. Narcissists are experts at manipulation and abuse, so recognizing the patterns, using your coping skills, and knowing how to move on from the relationship is essential. You can move on to healthier relationships with dedication and plenty of support.
Narcissistic Relationship Patterns Infographics
