How to Help Someone With Social Anxiety

What Is Social Anxiety Disorder?

Social Anxiety Disorder (social phobia) is an intense fear of being judged or scrutinized by others.¹ Social phobia can be isolating, and may prevent a person from having positive social experiences. Symptoms include fear of situations where one may be rejected, chronic worry about embarrassment, or avoidance of social situations. For example, some people avoid dating with social anxiety.

9 Tips for Helping Someone With Social Anxiety

It is important to provide support to a family member or friend with social anxiety. Studies have shown that having social support can positively improve a person’s well-being and ability to reduce anxiety symptoms.² Providing support can help a person feel heard, build their confidence, and decrease isolation.

Here are nine ways to support someone with social anxiety:

1. Learn About Social Anxiety Disorder

You are already on your way with this one! Understanding the symptoms and experiences a person with social anxiety has can help you better comprehend what they are going through. The more you know about it, the less likely you’ll be to make incorrect assumptions, stereotype their behavior, or misread what is going on.

2. Be An Active Listener

Active listening is the gold standard of listening. It is not just about absorbing the basics of what the person is communicating, but it’s attempting to understand the person’s words and feelings without interruption, and asking follow-up questions.³ Being an active listener will make your loved one feel truly heard, and it will help you better understand what they are going through and how they would like to be supported.

3. Offer Resources

Sometimes the best thing you can do for a loved one is help them find appropriate resources. Reading quotes about social anxiety can help people feel less alone, or  you can explore with them the different treatment options for social anxiety. If they are not open to the idea of treatment, organizations such as The National Alliance of Mental Illness offer educational information and support groups.⁴ Additionally, their school, job, or community center may provide resources, but be very mindful of protecting your loved one’s privacy while exploring these options.

4. Ask Them What They Need

Sometimes we get ahead of ourselves and think we know what is best. However, we have to keep in mind that every person experiences their social anxiety disorder differently. Always consult with your loved one about how they would like to be given assistance. Be considerate of what they tell you as you go forward with supporting them.

5. Know Your Own Limits

It can be very rewarding to help and support a loved one, but it can also be overwhelming. Caretakers can be negatively impacted by the amount of support they offer, especially if it is very emotionally and physically challenging. When offering to help a loved one, you should make sure that you are doing your own emotional self-care. There are many proven mental health benefits to exercise, eating properly and getting enough sleep. Also, pay attention to whether you need a break or some support yourself. The saying, “you can’t pour from an empty cup” comes to mind. 

6. Be Compassionate

Work on tapping into your empathy and meet your loved one with kindness when you offer care. Studies have shown that being compassionate toward a person who needs support can help you feel good in the process too.⁵

7. Be Patient

You want your loved one to feel better as quickly as possible, so you may begin to rush them on their mental health journey. Keep in mind that everyone has to do things in their own time. Consider being patient with them and giving them the time they may need.

8. Be Gentle

Imagine you open up to somebody about your struggles and they try to argue with you about how you are dealing with it? Be careful when offering your perspective on your loved one’s social anxiety disorder. Keep a calm tone and be incredibly gentle because they are sharing something that might be a sensitive topic.

9. Be Open-Minded

You may have preconceived notions about social anxiety disorder, based on personal experience or what is depicted in the media. However, every person struggling with this disorder has a unique experience, and it is important to be open-minded. Try to suspend biases, and be curious about what they are sharing.

What Not to Do When Helping Someone With Social Anxiety

Sometimes what we think is best isn’t actually best, so be humble when dolling out advice to someone experiencing social anxiety. If you are unsure how to help a person with social anxiety, you can seek out professional guidance. There are also many organizations that offer live chats and list information to help with mental health concerns.⁶

Things to avoid when supporting someone with social anxiety include:

Don’t Judge Them

People dealing with social anxiety disorder often experience stigma which can make the person feel even worse.⁷ Judging a loved one due to their symptoms can make them feel ashamed, hurt, and wish to isolate even further. Suspend your judgments and instead try to be empathetic. It is likely that they are already worried that others might be judging them – try not to add to that fear.

Help, Don’t Enable

There is a fine line between helping and enabling. If you are with someone and they cannot reach a shelf that you can, getting something from that shelf is helping them. If they can reach the shelf, but you still get them something from the shelf, you are enabling them. When a loved one has social anxiety disorder, it can seem helpful to agree to avoid a social interaction due to their fears, but it is actually enabling their anxiety disorder. Enabling can also be talking for the individual in social situations, or not introducing them to any new people. It will seem to “help” their anxiety go away in the moment, but in the long run the anxiety stays the same or can even get worse.

Don’t Minimize Their Experience

Minimizing statements such as, “Oh, it’s not that big of a deal” or “I’m sure it’s not that bad” can be very harmful. If you minimize a loved one’s experience when they open up to you, they will likely feel invalidated, and try to pull back. It is seldom a good idea to tell a person how they should or shouldn’t feel.

Don’t Try to “Fix” It

Your loved one is not your patient, and realizing there are limits to how much you can help is important. Support them as much as you can, but remember that they will ultimately need to take the resources you offered and do a lot of the work by themselves.

Don’t Be Critical

Do not critique your loved one for their social anxiety disorder. They are not choosing to experience these symptoms, and scolding them for what they are dealing with could make them feel guilt and shame. They are likely already being tough on themselves, try not to add to that.

Don’t Make Fun

Humor can be a way to lighten the mood in tough situations, but make sure that you do not mock the person’s experience or symptoms. Be gentle when using humor and check in with your loved one afterwards to make sure they also found the jokes funny

Don’t Pressure Them

Do not force your loved one to do anything. Force is harmful and can undermine their decisions in terms of timeline for treatment, opinions about resources, and next steps forward. Offer to help them stay accountable instead. Accountability is a great way to support them without applying damaging pressure.

When to Seek Professional Help

There are many ways to offer support to a loved one who is experiencing social anxiety, but if you notice that the individual is becoming increasingly isolating or distressed, they likely need professional support. An online therapist directory is a good and easy way to find a therapist who specializes in treating social anxiety disorders. Some treatment options are cognitive behavioral therapy and medications for anxiety. Additionally, you can help them find an online psychiatrist to help them figure out if medication is necessary. If you are especially close with the individual, you can even offer to go to the initial appointment with their therapist.

In My Experience

The good news is that there are many ways to help someone dealing with social anxiety disorder! Listen to them without judgment or bias, be compassionate and follow their lead on how to support them best. Do not blame yourself if the individual isn’t doing better right away. They are on their own mental health journey and you are there to support them in the ways that you are best capable.

Social anxiety disorder causes people to have excessive self-consciousness and can lead to isolation. Therapy is important to help reduce a person’s symptoms, but social support outside of therapy is just as needed. By offering support, you are providing an important resource to help your loved one cope. You are doing amazing work!