The diagnosis of infertility occurs after trying and being unsuccessful becoming pregnant after a year of unprotected sex. Infertility occurs in both men and women. Men and women react differently when experiencing infertility and this directly impacts their communication. This can create lasting effects in a relationship, but relationships can be repaired through strengthening communication skills.
Signs Your Relationship is Affected by Your Infertility
Infertility can create emotional and sexual tension between couples. Relationships are impacted when men and women make love to create a child. The feelings of romance associated with making love change when the goal is to produce a child. Spontaneity disappears from the sexual relationship. It begins to feel more mechanical when lovemaking is dictated by ovulation and a calendar.
While infertility continues couples may have different ideas about what the next step will be. This dynamic can cause tension, anxiety, emotional and physical distance. A mixture of intense feelings like blame, grief, anger, shame, and sadness can emerge for both parties. Infertility may become too painful for one or both partners to discuss. The difference in genders adds another complicated layer.
Men may be fearful about putting additional stress on their partner if she has been diagnosed with infertility. This may inhibit their willingness to share their feelings regarding their infertility experience and its aftermath. Women may mistakenly perceive this as being insensitive or inconsiderate. They may feel rejected or blamed. This scenario can create distance and isolation between partners.
A research study from the American Society for Reproductive Medicine found “couples who exhibit poor communication have husbands who are not very interested or involved in trying to have a baby…Changes in husband’s interest, participation, and involvement in fertility treatment may lead to positive changes in couple communication about infertility and a more positive effect in infertility on the marriage, at least from the wives’ point of view.”2
Causes and Triggers of Communication Issues During Infertility
It is not uncommon for communication issues to arise between couples when infertility is present. One major factor is couples cope in different ways. They may have different opinions about what to do once they recognize infertility is something they have to face. The challenges of deciding to build a family or not become paramount issues on a daily basis. Its impact is profound. Couples instinctively understand that the decisions they make will influence the course of their relationship and their lives. These choices regarding how to proceed must be made in the midst of a crisis. Infertility is a life crisis and it is important for each member of the couple to acknowledge and understand this. Fundamental differences can develop with repeated failures in conception. Stress levels rise and it feels like the stakes are higher.
Examples of common conflicts that arise and cause stress on relationships and communication between couples include:
- The person diagnosed is fearful their partner will leave because of their infertility which inhibits honest discussion between a couple.
- Couples disagree about the next step in family building. One person may want to stop all treatment and be content without children. The other may want to continue with new treatments or pursue adoption. Finding “resolution” in a way that couples agree can be extremely challenging.
- Couples can disagree on the type of treatment they should pursue. They may have different opinions about whether they want a biological link to their child or if they are open to other options like donors, surrogacy, or adoption.
- Infertility becomes all consuming and the only thing couples focus on daily. One person may want to take a break while the other misinterprets this to mean their partner is insensitive or not supportive.
- Infertility treatment is very costly. Couples may argue and disagree about how much money should be spent pursuing their family building options.
- Women may believe that their partner is not as committed to getting pregnant as they are.
- A research study published by the National Center for Biotechnology Information concluded “each partner’s distress may be affected not only by his/her own feelings regarding the infertility problem, but also by their partner’s feelings.”3
- Couples may have different opinions about who to share information with about their infertility struggle and also when and how to share it. This can cut off potential support systems for couples.
- A research study published in Human Reproduction revealed some additional factors that can create couple conflict and threaten communication. The study concluded that repeated unsuccessful attempts at fertility treatment “for people whom importance of parenthood is heightened, facing infertility, (as an obstacle to an important life goal) and fertility care (a low control treatment with low success rates) would evoke perceptions of failure without escape and feelings of defeat.”4 This resulted in depressive symptoms.
Who Should I Consult for Help?
Many people find that they need the guidance and support of a psychotherapist or counselor to successfully emerge from the emotional turmoil and uncertainty created by infertility. Individual and couples therapy is an excellent place to do this very important work to help you move forward. It may be helpful to talk with a healthcare professional who has expertise in working with people who have experienced infertility. They have specific training and understanding in addressing the unique challenges that emerge from the infertility experience.
The American Society for Reproductive Medicine recommends infertility counseling to help people with the enormous challenges infertility presents to individuals and couples. They report, “a good therapist can help you sort out feelings, strengthen already present coping skills and develop new ones, and communicate with others more clearly. For many the life crisis of infertility eventually proves to be an opportunity for life enhancing growth.”5
Group counseling can be another alternative place to get support to help cope with infertility. Many people find it comforting to meet with people who have experienced infertility. They know they have a genuine understanding regarding infertility as a family building option. These support groups are often facilitated by professional counselors who have expertise with infertility treatment. There are peer groups sponsored by organizations like RESOLVE. They are led by people without professional training who have experienced infertility.
How Can Therapy Help Our Communication Issues?
During the course of infertility countless decisions need to be made on numerous issues on a daily basis. Couples need to be able to be able to grieve the potential loss of future dreams and plans. They must be able to discuss their feelings in an honest and open way in order to navigate infertility. The goal is to preserve and hopefully strengthen their relationship.
Psychology Today highlights the importance of communication by stating “If you don’t know how to ask for what you need, you are less likely to have your needs met. Luckily, it is never too late to enhance your communication skills and increase your chances of being both heard and understood.6 The assistance of a therapist to facilitate this process and create this outcome is invaluable. Below are some examples of issues therapists can help to guide couples through.
Examples of Couples Therapy During Infertility
There are typical reactions that can cause conflicts in couples during infertility.
Couples therapy can help deal with these issues, such as:
- Couples May disagree about whether to use third party reproduction treatment such as donor egg, sperm, or a surrogate.
- Men and women tend to have different emotional reactions when they experience infertility.
In the first example individuals may have strong feelings about having a biological connection to their child. There may be fears about bonding with a child or unknown medical or mental health conditions arising in a child conceived in this way. The goal of therapy in this case is “pre-treatment counseling to educate parents about third party conception, to explore couple concerns, and to support the management of this family composition.”7
In the second example, gender differences play a strong role in the way people react to infertility. Men tend to be reluctant to express their feelings and feel helpless trying to fix infertility. Women tend to be more emotional and feel a greater sense of failure not being able to achieve pregnancy on their own. This is something that society expects from women. Confusion and hurt feelings arise because each party does not believe the other is supportive or understands their feelings.
Therapy can address this dynamic by helping a man “to let go of the need to solve problems of his partner by validating her emotions and feeling the depth of her infertility related pain. By allowing her to experience her emotions, she feels validated, understood and supported.”8
Seven Ways to Reconnect With Your Partner and Improve Communication
Surviving a life crisis can actually bring couples closer together. Infertility is a major life crisis. It does present relationship and emotional challenges. Couples need to try to acknowledge they are having difficulty coping with infertility. You need to try to take the time and energy necessary to address it. If you do, the end result can be powerful and ultimately strengthen your relationship.
Here are some actions you can take to reconnect with your partner and strengthen communication:
- Reach out and work with a couples therapist specializing in infertility.
- Find social support through infertility support groups.
- Don’t talk about infertility all of the time. Agree to take time off and a time out. You can set a specific day or days to limit infertility discussion topics. Set a timer for a designated time frame on a “day off” for infertility related topics and then let it go for the rest of the day. Practice active listening.
- Bring love and affection back into your lives. Have a date night. Do some of the fun things you did when you were dating to rekindle your relationship.
- Find communication balance with your partner. Mutually agree to share your feelings, concerns, and fears with each other in a way that feels comfortable for you both.
- Designate a trusted friend or family member you can speak candidly with to get additional support. Sometimes it may be hard to talk with your partner out of concern you are creating additional stress.
- Nurture your sexual relationship and bring intimacy back into your lives. Return spontaneity into your sexual relationship.
Infertility and Relationship Statistics
An excellent resource for people wanting to know about infertility and local success rates for specific assisted reproductive techniques (ART) is put out by the Center for Disease Control. The data collection is extensive so it is released every two to three years.
Here are the most recent ART success statistics from 2017:
- “There were 284, 385 ART cycles performed at 448 reporting clinics in the United States during 2017 resulting in 69,908 live births (deliveries of one or more live infants) and 78,052 live born infants.”9
Additional research studies around infertility and its impact on communication and relationships reveal the following information:
- “Earlier research has shown that infertile women react more strongly to infertility than men and are more vulnerable than men to mental health problems.”
- “The effect of infertility on marital relations is modified by factors such as personal coping with infertility, communications between partners and partners’ involvement in fertility treatment.”
- “Many aspects of infertility may lead to the deterioration in marital relationships of infertile couples, including personal reactions such as feelings of guilt, lowered self esteem, feelings of inadequacy as a man or a woman, and interpersonal aspects such as deterioration of sex life and communication.”10
Resources for People Dealing With Infertility
- RESOLVE: National Infertility Organization. They offer resources, support, local group counseling information, practitioner referrals, articles and podcast information on infertility. They also have a strong patient legislative and patient advocacy program.
- Path2Parenthood: This organization offers resources, blogs, professional practitioner referrals. They also have strong programming and information for LGBTQ family building and for single people wanting to become parents. They can help you find professional counseling. Their site has lots of resources for education including blogs, fact sheets and handbooks.
- American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM): This site is a rich resource for medical information on infertility related topics. It offers the latest research and has videos and podcasts discussing a wide range of infertility related topics.
- Progyny: Their mission is to help employers and employees get the maximum insurance benefit coverage for infertility treatment. They also offer education programming.
- INCIID: International Council on Infertility Information Dissemination. This non-profit organization explores family building options. They also address diagnosis, prevention, and treatment of infertility. They offer on-line community support, scholarship information, and doctor referrals.
- Your Fertility Friend: Helps prospective parents around the world understand their infertility treatment options. They offer information on costs and can link you with doctors or clinics in your area. They also offer educational information, resources, and infertility related applications.
- Baby Quest Foundation: Their mission is to offer financial grants to people who have infertility. They focus on more expensive types of infertility treatment like In Vitro Fertilization (IVF), gestational surrogacy, egg, sperm, and embryo donation.
