Not all narcissists are cheaters, but rates of infidelity are higher among them, which may concern people who are in a relationship with a narcissist. Your partner may show less interest in you, signs of inappropriate online behavior, flirt with others in front of you, and become defensive when you question them. Learning about narcissists cheating patterns may help clarify your suspicions and find ways to address the infidelity.
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What Is a Narcissist?
In essence, a narcissist refers to someone who is self-involved, needs constant attention, and lacks empathy. Many people can have narcissistic traits, but when these traits are persisting and unchangeable, they may meet the criteria for a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) diagnosis. The two subtypes of NPD are covert/vulnerable narcissism and grandiose narcissism. Moreover, it is believed that narcissists alternate between both depending on the situation or life circumstances.1, 2, 3, 4, 5
There are two main subcategories of NPD, which are:
- Covert or vulnerable narcissism: Vulnerable or covert narcissists may be more insecure and vulnerable, making them more difficult to identify
- Grandiose narcissism: People with this subtype exhibit a feeling of superiority and may be what most people imagine narcissism looks like
Why Are Narcissists More Prone to Cheat?
Not all narcissists cheat, but rates of infidelity are higher among them. Unlike conventional cheaters, narcissistic cheaters can feel greater self-entitlement, impulsivity, suffer from control issues, and experience a lack of empathy and remorse. Furthermore, narcissists are pleasure-seeking by nature and may constantly look for new sources of narcissistic supply, which makes adulterous acts and serial cheating more likely to occur.6
7 Narcissistic Cheating Patterns
Although not all narcissists are cheaters, there is still a high probability that they will cheat. It is also likely that the cheating narcissist has developed a set of tactics to enable their deceitful behavior. Thus, identifying these patterns sooner rather than later can potentially shield you from additional hurt and preserve your overall well-being.
While every relationship is different, below are seven signs of narcissistic cheating:
1. Lying
Dishonesty, lying, and secrecy are almost always present in any form of infidelity, and narcissists are masters of deceit. Your narcissistic partner likely used their charming persona to draw you in, but they know this façade can fall apart at any given moment. To prevent this, they’ll lie about everything, even the tiniest things that, in their eyes, could taint the “perfect” image they’ve created. So, if you notice that your narcissist partner is lying about trivial stuff, chances are they are lying about bigger things too, such as infidelity.5, 7
2. Defensiveness
Don’t expect an admission of wrongdoing when questioning a narcissist about cheating. In fact, they may take offense to it, turn the blame on you, claim you drove them to cheat, gaslight you, or flat-out deny it. Narcissists dread losing control and having their conduct come into question, which is why defensiveness is common. It can also help prevent any type of narcissistic injury. Their defensiveness in and of itself is undoubtedly the most compounding confirmation that cheating is going on.6, 8 ,9
When a narcissist is cheating, they will think you are too or may flip the script to make it seem that way. Your narcissist counterpart almost certainly has a distorted notion that showing a strong aversion towards infidelity won’t make you suspicious of them. They will typically do this while targeting you with accusations, harassment, and harsh judgments of suspected infidelity. Unfortunately, this common narcissist tactic can put you at a disadvantage because instead of confronting your narcissist’s adulterous acts, you now have to defend yourself.5, 6, 8
3. Lack of Reassurance
Not only are narcissists defensive–they’re also not very reassuring. Your narcissist partner is often so self-involved that they are unable to separate themselves from their ego, thus deflecting or minimizing your suspicions. It is highly unlikely that they’ll ever validate your concerns about the possible infidelity or feel any guilt about it. The narcissist will disregard any requests for reassurance, which will often leave you feeling more confused and suspicious.6
4. Requesting Space
When you first start a relationship with a narcissist, you’ll often encounter love bombing and get showered with extreme attention, affection, and love. Yet, because narcissists tend to get bored and lose interest quickly, this phase is often short-lived. You may notice your narcissist partner, particularly the grandiose type, pulling away and “needing space” in ways they previously have not. Generally, this signals that they’ve reached a limit with you and are now searching for new avenues of excitement in others.6, 10
5. Dubious Online Behavior
Narcissistic individuals have an ongoing need to self-promote and crave external validation. Therefore, social media can be the most gratifying outlet for them. It’s not uncommon for narcissists to spend excessive on-screen time. But if they start exhibiting shady social media use, like posting flirtatious comments on someone’s picture, oversharing personal details with people you’ve never met, and creating profiles on dating sites, it can further solidify your partner’s engagement in unfaithful acts.5, 6
6. More Spending
Narcissists, especially the grandiose type, tend to be flashy since they usually have a distorted notion that their “sex appeal” and desirability come from displaying wealth and having material possessions. Thus, you may see your narcissistic partner making impulsive purchases and overspending on things like luxurious gadgets, posh cars, expensive clothes, and so forth. This behavior may be motivated by the challenge of successfully seducing the person/s they are trying to have an affair with.6
7. Risky Sexual Behavior
Grandiose narcissism is strongly connected with a multitude of risky sexual behaviors, including having multiple sexual partners, frequent one-night stands, and higher rates of unprotected sex. Narcissists typically feel entitled to sexual pleasure in any way, shape, or form. Coupled with their impulsivity and openness towards sex and infidelity, it becomes a dangerous combination for everyone involved. That said, if you’re exclusive with a narcissist and get an STD, that may be direct confirmation that they are cheating on you while also putting your health at risk.6
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What to Do if You’re Dating a Cheating Narcissist
If you suspect your narcissistic partner is cheating, explore your emotions and response options before confronting them. Keep in mind that they may employ tactics like gaslighting, denial, defensiveness, or even become abusive, so this encounter may not go well if you’re hoping to work things out. Nevertheless, openly addressing infidelity, regardless of the outcome, may shed light on issues within the relationship.
Some things to consider if you suspect your narcissistic partner has cheated include:
Process Your Emotions First
Before reacting, take a step back and allow yourself to feel the uncomfortable emotions the cheating can trigger. Although this might not be what you’d like to do initially, allowing yourself time to process your feelings and examining how you would like to address it can assist you in finding a constructive path forward.
Plan your Approach
Having a plan may help you better manage your narcissistic partner’s response, which may include defense mechanisms like gaslighting, narcissistic projection, and verbal attacks, among others. When you’re ready, have a structured conversation in which you clearly convey your feelings, and only discuss the suspected or confirmed infidelity. Try to frame the talk around how this has impacted you, avoiding any personal attacks, which may be counterproductive to how your narcissistic partner might react.
Rethink the Relationship
If your partner is not receptive to your feelings, unwilling to compromise, reacting violently/aggressively, and/or putting your health and well-being at risk, it is time to go your separate ways. Before you do, make sure you take the necessary safety precautions, as many narcissists can become enraged and/or physically violent when their partners are the ones ending the relationship.6, 9, 10
Consider Staying Together
Although narcissists tend to be less committed in long-term relationships, some can be strongly devoted when they feel highly satisfied with their partners. So, if you want to save your relationship, it may be possible. If your partner is equally invested in dealing with this crisis, couples’ counseling, individual therapy, and/or infidelity support groups may be helpful. Reaching out to these resources may not guarantee the outcome you hope for, but it can provide emotional support throughout.6
When to Consider Professional Help
If you are struggling after infidelity or are unsure how to proceed in your relationship, psychotherapy can assist you by providing a safe place to process strong emotions and encourage you to make healthy decisions regarding how you respond to their narcissistic relationship patterns and your personal well-being. Moreover, talk therapy can offer key moral support when dealing with infidelity and provide you with strategies to better cope with its effects.10
Additionally, if the relationship is not abusive and you and your partner have decided to save your relationship after infidelity, couples counseling can be beneficial. Marriage and couples counseling can help you work through infidelity and begin to rebuild trust. Keep in mind that this is a process that requires intention, effort, and commitment. If you are both ready to find a marriage or couples counselor, an online therapist directory is a good place to start.
Final Thoughts
If you notice unusual behaviors in your narcissistic partner, even if it may not necessarily mean that they are cheating, it is still important that you discuss these concerns. Effective communication is key in a functioning, healthy relationship. However, If you find that your narcissistic partner is not willing to address your concerns, even if they are not cheating, and/or become abusive, you should reach out to a professional for support and guidance.
Additional Resources
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