What Is the Worst Age to Lose a Parent? How to Cope with Loss

What Is the Worst Age to Lose a Parent?

There is no better or worse time in life to lose a parent. Each age has unique challenges in coping with such a significant loss. Regardless of the mourner’s age, losing a parent deeply impacts their life. Parents have a role in their children’s lives before and after their deaths.¹

The Impact of Losing a Parent at Every Stage of Life

The inability to understand the implications of death and its lifelong ramification means that younger children’s reactions may not be visible or can be limited. The younger an individual is, the more their memories and grief will be shaped by the recollections shared by others about the parent who has died. The grief will be connected to a missed relationship.

In contrast, the older an individual is, the more fully developed their relationship with their deceased parents. There is an understanding and awareness of all that is lost. They understand the permanency of death and the nature of their loss. They are capable of sharing their emotions and seeking much-needed support.

Infancy (0-1 years)

Developmental psychiatrist Erik Erickson describes infants’ basic developmental task as building trust through having their needs taken care of.² Through caring for their needs, babies bond early with their parents. Routine disruption often occurs after death, and babies will be aware of losing a parent’s presence. Babies may cry more or have trouble with sleep.

Toddlerhood (2-3 years)

Even though they don’t understand death, toddlers will sense something is wrong because losing a parent will destabilize the type of care they receive. When things are destabilized, toddlers often react with anger. They may revert to infancy by wetting their bed and talking baby talk. They will often think a deceased parent will return and may repeatedly ask where mommy or daddy is.³ Also, toddlers may believe that they are the cause of their parent’s death.

Childhood (3-10 years)

When a child experiences loss, they understand that the person is gone, but the forever aspect may be beyond their comprehension. They may express fear that the remaining parent will also die or go away. Kids in this age group may be curious about death and may incorporate pretending to die in their play.

In a major study, researchers discovered that children under twelve are at increased risk for depression.⁴ A child may imagine they have caused the death or are being punished for something they did, causing guilt. Questions and fear may arise about how they will be cared for and who will assume that role.

Adolescence (10-18 years)

Adolescents understand what death means, and death at this age is highly emotional. They may be reluctant to share their feelings. Their grief may turn to anger, depression, or anxiety as they try to understand how their parent’s death impacts them and their family dynamics. Adolescents can be protective of the remaining parent or fearful about that parent’s death.

Adolescents often struggle with identity and independence, and the loss of a parent can be devastating in coping with these struggles. Their academic performance may decline. They also may self-isolate.

Young Adulthood (18-35 years)

One of the biggest challenges of losing a parent in your 20s and early 30s is that many people are now moving into independence. Young adults are creating careers, attending college, moving from home, and finding life partners. There is sadness and guilt about time not spent with the deceased parent.

Parents are still relatively young, and there are generally no fears regarding their mortality. There may be sadness or anger about unresolved conflicts with the deceased parent. It is a time of lost future dreams imagining your deceased parents watching career successes, weddings, and the birth of grandchildren. There are also mixed feelings about balancing your needs and caring for the remaining parent. There

Adulthood (35-45 years)

People in their forties have increased awareness of a parent’s mortality as they age. Adult children witness their parent’s health decline in these situations. They move from care receivers to caregivers. Anxiety surrounding caregiving will often shift into depression when the parent passes.⁵

Older Adulthood (45-64 years)

People in this age group are generally less dependent on parents, and there is often a role reversal as parents begin to rely more on their adult children for support. Witnessing parents’ decline can be heart-wrenching, and conflict around decisions that need to be made regarding how parents will be cared for may arise. Unresolved relationship conflicts with parents and siblings may heighten emotions around the loss of a parent.

Late Adulthood (64+ years)

The parent/child relationship is the longest one will have. As this occurs, there is a sense of tremendous grief and loss, and they see the person they knew for a lifetime decline. Experiencing the death of a parent at this age creates a sharp revelation that you, too, will be faced with aging and all that it encompasses.

People in this age group often have already experienced the death of one parent and now face the loss of their remaining parent. They can become orphans. The grief is significant at this age as there is an understanding that nobody can replicate that relationship which can feel devastating.

How to Cope With the Loss of a Parent

When a parent dies, your life changes from that moment on. Regardless of the nature of the relationship, parents are the place that begins to shape identity and sense of self. It is essential to be open to support from friends, family, and mental health professionals. Self-care should be a primary goal.

Children and adolescents will take cues from the adults as they try to process their grief. If they see adults expressing emotions, asking for help, and discussing their feelings, they will be more inclined to do the same. This is especially true if they know they will not be judged for it.

Here are six strategies that can help a person to cope with the loss of a parent:

1. Join a Grief Support Group

Support groups can be a powerful tool for coping with a parent’s death. They can be done in person or as an online support group. There is comfort in being with people who have shared life experiences. It helps you feel less alone. It also allows you to see what you feel is not unique.

Support groups offer a place where people share feelings and exchange resources and tips about how they learn how to cope. Participating in this safe space can alleviate depression, sadness, prevent isolation, and reduce stress. One study about dealing with grief in a support group showed that “groups gave participants opportunities to process the story of the death and to make sense of it and their upcoming lives without their loved ones.”⁶

2. Rely on Your Loved Ones for Support

It is important to be able to embrace family and trusted friends to help support you as you grieve the death of a parent. Family members and friends are impacted by this loss as well. The mutual support and sharing of feelings and memories can benefit all concerned. Mourning with others who knew the deceased can offer comfort, help with grief, and initiate the healing process.⁷

Some ways in which loved ones can support you while grieving a parent include:

• They can help make decisions.
• They can help combat feelings of loneliness.
• They can help with necessary tasks, such as food preparation, shopping, housecleaning, or childcare.
• They can be there to listen when you need to talk or experience grief-related emotions.
• They can offer compassion without judgment as you try to move forward after the death.

3. Let Others Comfort You

Isolation is a very common reaction after the death. People often are uncomfortable having others around as they grieve. They don’t know what to say or are uncertain how to respond to people’s comments, both welcome and unwelcome. Isolation tends to promote negative self-talk. Social isolation causes emotional isolation and loneliness. When others reach out to comfort you, let them in. Having a trusted loved one present to listen without judgment can help begin healing as you try to move forward from a painful loss.

4. Grieve in Whatever Way You Need

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. The experience of grieving is unique to each individual. People sometimes self-criticize for not dealing with death in ways others expect them to or have false expectations for themselves. You will feel many emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, yearning, shock, and numbness. Please don’t put a time frame on your grief or how you experience it.

5. Give Yourself Permission to Engage in Self-Care

When people lose a parent, it often feels overwhelming. Their routines are disrupted. Everyday tasks like eating, sleeping, bathing, exercising, and dressing lose their importance and are often forgotten. These simple self-care tasks help promote mental, physical, and emotional health and well-being. They all contribute to helping with healing. Allow yourself to do what is necessary to care for yourself without guilt or self-recrimination.

6. Create Purpose in Your Life

Try to create a new purpose in your life stemming from the death of your parents. It is helpful to find meaning in their death. Did your parents have an alliance with a charity or have something they were passionate about in their lives? Honor their memories by continuing this tradition.

For example, if they love animals, do some work in an animal shelter or supporting PETA. Some people choose to support an organization that does charitable work to fight diseases like cancer or Alzheimer’s Disease. If a parent died due to a specific medical condition, you may feel good about remembering them by supporting an organization that helps others with that diagnosis.

How Counseling Can Help With the Loss of a Parent

It can be difficult to overcome grief that results from the loss of a parent. This is especially true for people who have never experienced the death of a significant person in their lives. A therapist can help you identify and process your emotions. They can also help you develop coping mechanisms as you envision a life without your parents.

Therapy is also a safe place to explore your feelings if you don’t have others you feel comfortable talking with. Finally, there may be unresolved feelings about conflicts you had with your parents that were never addressed. You may have feelings of anger, guilt, or resentment about past perceived hurtful words or behaviors that you need to explore.

Some therapy options to cope with the loss of a parent include:

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT is a type of individual therapy that focuses on helping patients understand negative thought patterns that impact behavior negatively. It allows patients to reframe their thinking which helps them to cope. It is a short-term treatment.
• Complicated Grief Therapy (CGT): Some people’s grief symptoms worsen and remain debilitating for an extended period. They need help coping with this. CGT is a multifaceted approach that includes self-assessment, goal setting, examining death and its implications, looking at a new normal, and reflecting on the lost relationship and its meaning.
• Group Therapy: A peer or a mental health professional can do group therapy for grief. Participants meet to explore healthy and unhealthy ways to grieve. They share experiences and help each other cope with their losses, lending support and safety.

How to Help a Child Cope With the Loss of a Parent

The death of a parent is a confusing and painful time for a child. It can be an overwhelming time for the remaining parent as they struggle with their grief. Grief researchers concluded that “relatively brief interventions can prevent children from developing more severe problems after the loss of a parent, such as traumatic grief and mental health problems.”⁸

Here are some ways to help a child cope with the loss of a parent:

• Speak to them in age-appropriate language: How you explain death to a child is important. Tell them directly and honestly what to expect. For example, tell a young child, “Daddy is dead, which means he is not alive anymore. He will not be coming back to us. We will not see him anymore, but we will always remember and love him.”
• Be a good listener: Create a space that invites the child to share their feelings. Try to help them put into words what they are feeling.
• Let them know what to expect: Help prepare the child for funerals, wakes, or other rituals that will be occurring. Encourage them to ask questions. This helps them to prepare themselves for what is to come.
• Share and show your feelings: Help the child to understand that grown-ups also get emotional after the death of a loved one and validate that this is OK. Also, let them know there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and you know this is a tough and confusing time for them.
• Find age-appropriate books about death and dying: If you feel at a loss on how to talk about death, books are a great resource. Books on death are a healthy way to promote conversation and for a child to discuss their thoughts and feelings.
• Seek counseling: If you feel overwhelmed by how the child is struggling, seek counseling. Use an online therapist directory to find a therapist specializing in grief therapy for children and families.
• Contact the child’s school: Let the staff at their school know about the death. Encourage communication with them so if your child shows changes in behavior or academics, it can be addressed quickly and as a team with a unified approach.
• Continue to talk about the deceased parent: Exchange fond memories and happy stories. This offers a message of comfort to children and lets them know the deceased parent will not be forgotten.
• Utilize music and art: Encourage the child to use music and art to express their feelings. It is a creative outlet that can also promote healing.

When to Seek Professional Support

The death of a parent is an emotionally charged time with much uncertainty. Watch for behavior changes like increased isolation, depression, anxiety, or aggression. Look for changes in appetite, nightmares or interrupted sleep, and a decline in school performance. If you notice these patterns continuing for an extended period or they get more frequent or worse, it is an excellent time to seek a mental health professional. Talk to the therapist about in-person and online therapy platforms and explore which option may be better for the child.

In My Experience

The death of a parent leaves the lives of the remaining spouse and their young, adolescent, or adult children changed forever. In cases where there are younger children, the remaining parent suddenly faces being the lone caregiver while simultaneously grieving the loss of their partner. Challenges come with such a significant loss, whether a child is an infant or sixty years old. It is difficult to give children the time, nurturing, and attention they may need to cope with the death of a parent. It would be best if you were open to asking for help for yourself and your children.

In my personal life and professional work as a medical social worker, I can say that the death of a parent is one of the most devastating life events that can be experienced. The parent/child relationship is foundational in creating our identities and sense of self. This is true whether it is a loving relationship or one that has suffered conflict. It is also one of the most complex relationships we can have. Grief from a loss of this magnitude can last long and be debilitating. People often need support to help them through their grief as they begin understanding what shape their lives will take after this loss. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you feel lost, confused, or overwhelmed. These feelings are normal when death occurs. Individual and group grief therapy can be enormously helpful in terms of helping people to sort through their emotions and identify healthy ways to cope.