Trauma Bonding: Definition, Signs, & How to Break One

What Is a Trauma Bond?

A trauma bond occurs when someone forms a close relationship with their abuser. Individuals develop a keen awareness of everything their perpetrator does, says, and wants to survive, putting them at risk of eventually disconnecting from their sense of self, needs, and values.^3,4

Trauma Bonding Vs. Stockholm Syndrome

Trauma bonding is often seen in abusive relationships where the victim becomes psychologically bonded to their abuser. Conversely, Stockholm syndrome typically develops after situations of prolonged captivity or hostage-taking. The hostage starts to empathize with and even defend their captors, often out of fear and a need for self-preservation.

Trauma Bonding Vs. Codependency

Trauma bonding is a defensive mechanism that helps victims cope with the abuse and maintain some sense of stability or security. Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person excessively relies on another for their emotional well-being. This behavior often includes one person caring for another, neglecting their own needs in favor of meeting the needs of their partner.

Trauma Bonding Vs. Love

Trauma bonding occurs in a relationship where one person uses their power to abuse, control, and violate the other person. Healthy relationships do not involve these dynamics. Instead, loving partners show each other mutual respect, empathy, support, and accountability.⁵ They share the load of the relationship and work through conflict together.

Stages of Trauma Bonding

The trauma bond cycle refers to the process of abusers achieving control over their victims. During the vulnerability stage, past traumas, low self-esteem, or a desire for love and acceptance make individuals vulnerable to unhealthy attachment with an abuser. The idealization stage involves the abuser cultivating a positive image by showering the victim with love, affection, and attention. As the cycle progresses, the abuser starts to exhibit abusive and controlling behavior. Finally, the intermittent reinforcement of kindness deepens emotional dependence on the abuser, meaning leaving the abusive relationship becomes difficult.

Below are the stages of trauma bonding:

• Love bombing: With love bombing, the abuser overwhelms the victim with excessive affection, attention, and gifts. They create an illusion of love to gain trust and a sense of dependency.
• Trust and dependency: The victim begins to trust the abuser and becomes dependent on them emotionally, believing they are the sole source of love, validation, and security.
• Criticism: The abuser starts to belittle, criticize, and demean the victim. They consistently point out flaws and make the victim doubt themselves, eroding their self-esteem and self-worth.
• Gaslighting: The abuser manipulates reality, making a victim question their sanity and memory. Gaslighting tactics aim to make the victim doubt their own experiences and perceive the abuser as reliable.
• Resignation: The victim reaches a point of resignation where they feel trapped and helpless in the abusive relationship. They may lose hope of things improving and accept the toxic dynamics as the norm.
• Loss of self: Over time, their sense of self becomes eroded as victims prioritize the needs and desires of the abuser over their own. They may lose sight of their own identity, desires, and boundaries.
• Emotional addiction: The victim becomes emotionally addicted to the abuser due to the intermittent reinforcement of love and affection amidst the abuse. They crave and work to attain the positive moments while becoming trapped in the trauma bond.

Signs of Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding in relationships can look different depending on the pre-existing dynamics between the abuser and survivor. However, someone in a trauma bond might show signs of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and suspicion of others who point out the trauma. Additionally, many may begin behaving in ways that contradict their morals to appease their abuser. Others may deny the abuse entirely.

Common signs and symptoms of trauma bonding include:^3,4

• Experiencing a strong emotional bond with the perpetrator
• Gratitude for small acts of kindness by the perpetrator
• Denying or rationalizing the abuse
• Hyper-focused on the perpetrator’s wants and needs
• Accepting and agreeing with the perpetrator
• Acting contrary to their values to appease the perpetrator
• Perceiving anyone who encourages them to escape from the abusive relationship as an enemy
• Fear of retaliation from the perpetrator if they leave the relationship

Causes of Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonds can develop for various reasons. The manipulation tactics used by the abuser, such as love bombing, gaslighting, and intermittent affection, reinforce the formation of trauma bonds. Lack of external support, isolation, and a fear of retaliation or abandonment can make breaking free from the cycle of trauma bonding difficult for victims.

Possible causes of trauma bonding in relationships include:

Power Imbalance

Trauma bonds often develop in relationships where one person holds the majority of power. In these cases, the perpetrator uses violence, degradation, humiliation, and deprivation to intimidate and control their victims.⁴ A dependency bond eventually develops through actions reinforcing and emphasizing this control. The victim becomes aware that their life depends on the benevolence of their abuser.

Cyclical Abuse

Within a context of captivity, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse are interspersed with periods in which a perpetrator does not follow through on threats of violence, provides small kindnesses, or expresses remorse. This latter part of the abuse cycle appears to strengthen the emotional attachment between the trauma survivor and perpetrator. Consequently, the survivor experiences a sense of relief, and sometimes even gratitude, toward their abuser.

Intimidation

Intimidation is a common tactic abusers use to instill fear and control over their victims. This behavior can manifest in various forms, such as throwing or destroying things, hurting pets, or showing weapons to create an illusion of dominance. The abuser seeks to establish a climate of fear and submission, further perpetuating the cycle of abuse within the relationship.

A “Freeze” Response

When faced with intimidation or threats, some victims may exhibit a “freeze” response as a coping mechanism. This involuntary reaction can paralyze the individual, meaning defending themselves can feel impossible. The freeze response often results from overwhelming fear and helplessness experienced in abusive situations, highlighting the detrimental impact of the trauma bonding on the ability to assert boundaries and protect themselves.

Financial Abuse

Financial abuse entails controlling and manipulating financial resources to exert power and control. Abusers may limit access to money, withhold financial information, or coerce the victim into financial dependence. Exploiting economic vulnerabilities allows the abuser to perpetuate the cycle of abuse in the relationship.

Threats or Coercion

Making threats or using coercive tactics to manipulate the victim helps the abuser maintain control and power within the relationship. The pervasive presence of these behaviors contributes to the dynamic of intimidation and control, further deepening the trauma bond between the victim and the abuser.

Isolation

Isolation separates victims from their support systems, thereby increasing their dependency on the abuser. By isolating the victim socially and emotionally, the abuser undermines their sense of autonomy and reinforces the trauma-bonded relationship.

Unhealthy Attachment

In an abusive relationship, an unhealthy attachment forms between the victim and the abuser. This attachment is strengthened by the intermittent reinforcement of affection, creating a complex web of conflicting feelings and loyalty. The trauma bond keeps the victim entangled in the abusive relationship despite the harmful dynamics.

Risk Factors for Trauma Bonding

Several risk factors can contribute to the development of trauma bonding. A history of previous trauma or abuse can make individuals more susceptible to unhealthy attachments, while low self-esteem and self-worth can create vulnerability and a desire for validation. Those with these characteristics may be more likely to fall victim to trauma bonding, especially when they lack outside support systems.

Instances in which individuals may develop trauma-bonded relationships include:^1,2

• Child abuse
• Severely dysfunctional families
• Domestic abuse
• Concentration camps
• Kidnapping
• Imprisonment
• Slave labor camps
• Religious cults
• Brothels
• Sex trafficking

The Dangers of a Trauma-Bonded Relationship

Trauma-bonded relationships can be dangerous. Firstly, these dynamics perpetuate mistreatment, keeping victims trapped in toxic environments. Manipulation tactics create a psychological dependency on the abuser, often leading to long-term psychological and emotional harm, including low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and PTSD.

Below are the possible consequences of a trauma-bonded relationship:

• Low self-esteem: Victims may have a diminished sense of self-worth, constantly doubting themselves and feeling unworthy of love and respect.
• Social isolation: Abusers often isolate their victims from friends and family, leading to a loss of social support and a sense of loneliness and isolation.
• Emotional instability: Victims may experience heightened emotional distress, including anxiety, depression, and mood swings, as a result of the ongoing abuse and manipulation.
• Codependency: Trauma bonding can create an unhealthy dependence on the abuser, resulting in difficulties in establishing healthy boundaries and making independent decisions.
• Trust issues: Victims of trauma-bonded relationships often struggle with trust, both in themselves and others, due to the betrayal and manipulation they have experienced.
• Dissociation: Individuals in trauma-bonded relationships may experience frequent dissociation to disconnect from reality as a means of self-preservation.
• Physical health problems: Prolonged exposure to high levels of stress and trauma can contribute to various physical health issues, such as headaches, digestive problems, and compromised immune function.
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): Trauma bonding includes abusive behaviors that can contribute to the development of PTSD.
• Difficulty in forming healthy relationships: Trauma bonding can affect the ability to establish and maintain healthy relationships, as trust and intimacy can be challenging to navigate for victims.
• Dependency on the abusive partner: The trauma bond makes seeking help or leaving the relationship challenging, as victims may believe they cannot survive without the abuser.