Emotional Cheating vs. Friendship: 6 Ways to Avoid Crossing the Line

Understanding Emotional Infidelity

Emotional infidelity is defined as any romantic desire for another person that starts to cause harm to one’s relationship.¹
This type of affair often begins as a genuine friendship, and develops into a deeper connection as trust and emotional intimacy is built. Some signs of an emotional affair include, a person is expressing themselves with their “friend,” rather than with their partner; they spend more time with the other person; they become defensive; or, they become emotionally and physically unavailable.

People may engage in emotional infidelity for a variety of reasons, many of which can relate directly to a person’s low self-esteem, personal insecurities, or self-sabotaging behaviors. An emotional affair differs from a friendship, as a person feels their behaviors must be kept a secret–they will often lie to their partner about the nature of their friendship.

Possible reasons for emotional infidelity include:

• Relationship dissatisfaction
• Lack of intimacy
• Low self-esteem
• Retaliation
• Feeling rejection
• Feeling entitled
• Seeking attention

Signs a Friendship Has Crossed the Line

Friendship may cross the line into emotional infidelity when a person’s primary relationship is no longer a priority. Instead, a person chooses to put their friendship first and prioritize their own needs, rather than their partner’s. For example, if someone would rather disclose personal and important information with their “friend,”  then the friendship has crossed the line. Once this “friend” has become more important than a person’s partner, an emotional affair has begun.

Signs that a friendship has crossed the line into emotional infidelity include:

• The friend becomes a person’s primary confidant
• The friendship is kept a secret
• The person’s partner is bad mouthed to the friend
• Flirting
• Sexting
• The friend is compared to the significant other
• The person has mentally checked out of their relationship
• The person thinks about the friend more than their significant other

6 Ways to Avoid Crossing the Line

Someone may fear crossing the line into emotional infidelity if their urge to seek the attention of another person is greater than that for their partner. This person can address this by using healthy communication with their partner–they should openly discuss their feelings, before they turn into actions. Additionally, being honest allows partners to understand each other’s needs, and thus avoid inappropriate behaviors. This will help you work proactively together and keep your connection, rather than risk losing your bond and emotional foundation.

Below are six things you can do to avoid crossing the line:

1. Set Healthy Boundaries

Setting boundaries in your relationship will help to define what you and your partner will and will not tolerate. This allows you to set any “terms and conditions,” so that each of you know what behaviors are considered inappropriate. Boundaries should be set in the beginning of a relationship, or at a point where you feel there is cause for concern. If your partner dismisses your boundaries, this should raise some red flags. When these boundaries are broken or overstepped, you will know that it is time to reassess the relationship.

2. Have an Open Conversation

Having open conversations with your partner can help you avoid emotional infidelity, as this allows both of you to feel safe and secure within the relationship. Being honest about any emotional involvement with an outside party helps prevent any future deceitful behaviors. Create a safe place where you can share with your partner, and be met with support and understanding. However, be aware if your partner feels they are able to express themselves, but refuses to listen to your side. Or, if they continue in their friendship, regardless of how you feel about it.

3. Put the Effort into Your Relationship

Putting effort into your relationship will ensure that you both feel invested in one another. In order to strengthen your bond and foundation, be sure to prioritize both your own and your partner’s needs–and compromise when needed. This shows that you are present and attentive. Still, this should not be one-sided–efforts should be reciprocated.

4. Think About What You Want

Staying mindful and self-aware of your needs is helpful–being honest with yourself and your partner will keep you from becoming distracted by a possibly harmful friendship. If you come to the conclusion that you would rather be with this friend, you can then take the appropriate steps to discuss this with your partner. Should you decide to end your relationship, it is best to do so before crossing the line.

5. Individual Counseling

Individual counseling can help you focus on addressing any impulsivity you may be experiencing, and nurture rational thought processing and problem solving. If you are feeling an urge to seek another’s attention, it is best to talk with someone in a safe, judgment-free space. Seeking the help of a professional offers you an outlet to develop healthy coping skills and modify negative behaviors.

6. Limit Temptation

Reduce the time you spend with your friend–limiting temptation ensures that you remain focused on your relationship. Set personal boundaries so you can avoid exposing yourself to people you may be attracted to. Refrain from going out with certain friends if your partner is not comfortable with it, as this can create conflict and lack of trust.

What Can I Do If I’ve Crossed the Line?

After crossing the line between friendship and emotional infidelity, the best thing you can do is process your emotions. Afterwards, you can figure out how you want to discuss your feelings with your partner. Addressing this issue is difficult, but being honest with your partner is necessary. Talking about the affair will help you both understand where one another stands in the relationship.

Repairing a relationship may look different for everyone, but determining both partner’s expectations and boundaries is beneficial. Effective communication is always best–express any concerns you may have in order to gain insight into how your partner feels, without making assumptions. Moving forward takes time, and sometimes seeking professional guidance is also a good option to consider.

Here are some things you should do if you’ve crossed the line into emotional infidelity:

Talk To Your Partner

Healthy communication is beneficial when working on a relationship, as this creates an open forum to share concerns in a productive way, and reduces miscommunication. Couples should avoid discussing inappropriate details that make the other partner feel less important. You don’t want to foster jealousy or insecurities, so stay focused on what can benefit your relationship. If you have crossed the line, be honest with your partner. The more you keep from them, the harder it will be to earn their trust back.

Try Therapy

Working with a professional allows each partner to express themselves in a safe and non-judgmental environment where healthy conversation can be facilitated. Each person can feel comfortable expressing their emotions, while receiving validation in the process. A therapist will encourage honesty and open communication, as well as healthy relationship behaviors and trust building exercises.

Ask Before Assuming

Ask before making assumptions–this will help you gain more insight and clarity into how your partner is feeling, without jumping to conclusions. The best thing is to go to your partner with a calm demeanor and ask to have a talk. Focus on maintaining a positive tone and body language, and remain self-aware of your reactions when raising your concerns. You should avoid blaming or projecting any negative emotions onto your partner.

When to Seek Professional Help

Often, couples think they can handle their struggles on their own, but find themselves stuck in negative cycles. If you are struggling in your relationship due to emotional infidelity, you may want to seek couples counseling. You can set up an appointment at any time, not just during challenging times. A professional can help you and your partner learn healthy communication patterns and build a strong foundation together.

Couples counseling can also help a person uncover past trauma or triggers that may lead to negative behavior, modify them, and implement healthy replacements. You can start your search for finding a couples counselor using an online therapist directory.

Some therapeutic methods for addressing problems in a relationship include:

• Couples counseling: Couple’s therapists may use cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) with couples to help improve their problem solving and communication skills.
• Individual therapy: A therapist will determine which therapeutic techniques work best for an individual person to help them solve their problems and develop a plan to improve their situation.³
• Online therapy options: Online therapy can be integrated into busy schedules. It is also a good option for those who have limited mobility, time restrictions, and limited access to mental health services.⁴

Final Thoughts

The line between emotional cheating and friendship is crossed when there are inappropriate and deceitful actions. If you have crossed the line or are experiencing emotional infidelity in your relationship, know that you have options. Seeking professional help through individual or couple’s counseling may be beneficial in rebuilding the trust and connection in your relationship. Through counseling, the couple will learn healthy communication and conflict resolution skills to improve their dynamics.