19 Signs of Cheating & How to Deal

19 Signs of Cheating

Infidelity is usually defined as any physical, virtual, sexual, or emotional affair that breaks a couple’s relationship agreement.¹ Universal signs of cheating exist across cultures, ethnicities, genders, sexual identities, and relationship types. The specifics may vary on the kind of cheating, frequency, and baseline behavior or tendencies, but signs of cheating can include subtle changes in your partner’s behavior, routine, communication, sexual desire, or interest.

Conversely, some may engage in affairs openly, in ways that blatantly disregard their partner; this may involve gaslighting, defensiveness, stonewalling, or denial–even when caught in the act. Cheating may also occur in non-monogamous, polyamorous, or open relationships when a partner abuses, misuses, or violates their primary relationship’s rules or partner’s consent.

Below are 19 common signs of cheating to look out for:

1. Drastic Changes in Mood

While everyone experiences mood changes from time to time, drastic changes in mood can indicate trouble in relationships. If your partner is usually relaxed or laid-back and suddenly becomes uptight, withdrawn, on edge, or easily agitated, it could be a sign that they are hiding something.

2. Increased Stress

If your partner appears stressed or anxious all the time, it could be a sign that they are hiding something. This is especially true if they provide vague reasons for their stress, or if they seem more stressed when they are around you.

3. Changes in Behavior

Drastic changes in behavior can be a sign of infidelity. Perhaps your partner has suddenly gone from being sedentary to going to the gym daily. While change and growth are normal, major changes in a short period of time–especially changes that make your partner more appealing to others–can indicate that something deeper is going on.

4.  Major Changes in Routine

After being with your significant other for a period of time, you get to know their routine and have a sense of what a normal day looks like for them. It is important to note that changes in routine are to be expected and can be healthy. However, if your partner has made a major departure from their normal routine with little to no communication or explanation, it could be cause for concern.

Some routine changes to look out for include:

• Working longer or later hours frequently
• Changing the way they dress for work
• Having meetings after work over drinks or dinner
• Taking up another job
• Making new friendships that take up a significant amount of their time and energy

5. Secrecy

Secrecy is the primary and most powerful aspect of infidelity; not only is it one of the defining aspects of an affair, but it can also amplify the excitement about the affair. They may be secretive about where they are, the people they are with, or what their plans are, usually by lying or avoiding direct questions about certain people. Secrecy is a common sign that your partner is hiding something or someone from you.

6. Significant Changes in Communication

If you and your partner typically communicate well in your relationship but suddenly become quiet, it could be something to worry about. Maybe your partner has expressed that they have unmet needs or desires and has shut down because they feel unheard or ignored. Perhaps your partner usually talks to you about their day at work but suddenly responds with one or two words when you attempt to inquire about it.

These significant changes and lack of communication could mean that they are now sharing those details with someone else or that there is something they don’t want to lie about or disclose to you. Conversely, it could mean your partner is experiencing frustration regarding unresolved issues and being distant.

7. Changes in Sexual Desire

Sexual desire or drive can be impacted by physical health, physiological changes, changes in hormone levels, people’s mental state, and the emotional health of our relationships. Your partner could be experiencing a physiological change, but their increased or decreased sex drive could be a result of infidelity.

Some examples of changes in sexual desire include:^{1, 2}

• A partner who once had a high sex drive but is no longer interested in sex with you could be getting their needs met outside of your relationship
• A partner who has not ordinarily had a high sex drive or interest in sex is suddenly expressing the desire to experiment or try new things in the bedroom could be being inspired by an affair
• A partner expressing increased interest in having sex with you could be trying to prevent you from suspecting that they are being unfaithful

8. They Lie to You

Unfaithful partners usually lie about how they spend their time and money, who they talk to on the phone, or where they have been. For instance, they may say that they have to work longer hours, weekends, or evenings or travel for work more often to cover for an affair.

They may also lie by omission, opting to share general details or omitting events and people from stories altogether. They may be unwilling to discuss specific information they use to discuss openly, such as details about their day at work, time spent with friends, or travel.

9. Secret Friendships

If you catch your partner maintaining a friendship with someone you’re uncomfortable with, such as someone they have dated, been intimate with, or had a romantic interest in the past, it could be a warning sign that they are unfaithful. This can also include spending private time with a mutual friend or hiding new friends from their partner.

10. They’re Spending Money on Someone Else

When a partner is cheating, it is not uncommon to find receipts for meals for two, a hotel room, a fancy gift, or flowers for someone other than you. In some instances, partners may notice a discrepancy in their finances, such as large withdrawals from a bank account or evidence of payments for cars or properties they do not own.

11. Decreased Sexual Intimacy

If there is a sudden decrease in sexual intimacy that cannot be explained by age, physiological/health reasons, psychological/emotional factors (i.e., depression, anxiety), or significant changes (i.e., having a baby or losing a loved one), your partner could have found other ways to meet their needs.

These partners may frequently make excuses, such as feeling too tired, having a headache, having a backache, or being too stressed, but refuse to take measures to resolve such issues. They also seem disinterested or unwilling to explore alternative options to ensure their partner’s needs are met.

12. Loss of Interest in Partner

Curiosity is a must for maintaining eroticism in our relationship–it isn’t solely about sex but also about maintaining the qualities that make us feel alive, adventurous, and playful.(^{3, 4} When someone is cheating, they often begin to detach and disengage from their partner. For instance, they may become emotionally unavailable, no longer express interest in your world, and fail to ask questions about your day, how you feel mentally/emotionally, and your desires. In some cases, they may also stop expressing curiosity about your hopes, aspirations, or dreams and resist making plans for the future.

13. Lack of Availability

Your partner may always be busy, unable to answer their phone, or just not available for you as they once were. For instance, a partner who used to be intentional about calling on their way to work or during a break in their day may consistently fail to do so with little or no explanation. They may also make excuses to stop attending family functions, social events, or going on dates. They may also refuse to make plans in advance; for example, they may refuse to plan an anniversary trip.

14. Loss of Romance

Often, when there is infidelity in a relationship, one partner is not as interested in the other. This can lead to a loss of romantic feelings towards that person, which can manifest in many ways, including no longer celebrating special occasions, going out on dates, verbally expressing their love, or showing affection, among others. When confronted about the lack of romance the unfaithful partner may not be receptive or fail to make any changes to their behavior. For instance, you may express that you would like them to spend quality time with you, plan a date night, or simply kiss you more to which they may verbally agree to but fail to follow through with. Or they may respond to your request but in ways that demonstrate frustration, disinterest, or even resentment for having to do so.

15. They Gaslight You

When confronted with evidence of cheating, your partner may lash out by calling you crazy, suggesting you are seeing things wrong, invalidating your feelings, or making you question your reality. For example, a cheating partner who is overheard making plans with their lover may suggest their spouse just heard things, or they may redirect the conversation to your behavior and attempt to make you feel guilty for violating their privacy, not trusting them, or being paranoid.

16. Projection

The guilty partner may accuse their significant other of cheating, lying, or hiding things, otherwise known as projection. This defense mechanism is usually employed when someone feels attacked or accused of something. For example, if you confront them about being secretive about who they are talking to after hearing them whisper on the phone, they may reply with, “You’re always whispering when you’re on the phone with your best friend. Maybe you are talking to someone else, making plans you don’t want me to know about.”

17. They Disappear

If your partner is usually open about their whereabouts but suddenly becomes unaccounted for, it could be a sign that something is wrong. For example, your partner may tell you they’re going to a store 10 minutes away but return home an hour later with no items. Moreover, if your partner begins staying out late without communicating–or worse, if your partner does not come home some nights without discussing it with you beforehand–this could indicate infidelity.

18. They Complain About You

If they complain about you no longer being attractive, not meeting their needs emotionally, mentally, or sexually, or “nagging,” it could indicate that they are unhappy in their relationship and are communicating this in an unhealthy, hurtful way. Often, it may feel as though you are not good enough no matter how hard you try to anticipate and fill your partner’s needs, who remains ungrateful.

Your partner may also try to complain about you by constantly comparing you to others. For example, your partner may compare you with the partner of someone you know, citing how this person is more attractive, fit, intelligent, or successful, and suggesting that you could be too if you just tried harder.

19. They’re Overprotective of Electronic Devices

The unfaithful partner is often overly protective of cell phones, tablets, or other electronic devices.³ For instance, they may hold their phone at an angle to prevent you from seeing who they are communicating with or place their phone face down when you are near.⁴ They may also abruptly place a pin or code on their phone when they have never used one before.

Additionally, they may sneak away to talk or text privately and abruptly end conversations when you enter the room. Or they may get calls or messages late at night or early in the morning when they never have before. Conversely, they may keep their phone on silent so you never hear any notification alerts.

Are There Guaranteed Signs of Cheating?

Short of catching your partner in the act, there are no guaranteed signs of cheating. This is why it is important to trust yourself enough to address discrepancies in your partner’s behavior that make you uncomfortable. Sometimes, changes in behavior can be due to mental or emotional distress, but other times, they can be an indicator of relationship dissatisfaction or infidelity. If left unaddressed, unless your partner confesses or you catch them in the act, you likely will not find out.

What to Do if You Suspect Your Partner May Be Cheating

If you suspect your partner is cheating based on a concerning sign or two, you should pause, assess whether the sign can be explained by other reasons, and process your emotions before having any difficult conversations with your partner.

Some tips for what to do if you suspect they are cheating include:

• Get tested for STIs/STDs
• Assess why you are feeling this way–is it your partner’s behavior causing you concern, or is it your own fear, insecurity, or negative past experiences?
• Talk to your partner about the behaviors that you have observed and how they make you feel
• Talk to a trusted friend who will keep your confidence
• Seek professional advice and support
• Read articles from trusted sources or self-help books from reliable experts on relationships, infidelity, and betrayal

What to Do If You Catch Your Partner Cheating

Finding out your partner is cheating will likely evoke strong, painful emotions. It is important to process your feelings before approaching your partner. Don’t rush to confront them before first deciding what you feel and how you want to express your emotions. Consider speaking with a trusted friend and/or consult a mental health professional for support throughout this difficult process and for help getting over being cheated on, especially if you feel like you always get cheated on, and it’s a recurring theme in your relationships.

Do not feel compelled to make major decisions during this emotionally distressing time. This can lead to actions you may regret, such as revenge cheating. There are several ways for you to address your partner’s infidelity directly and respectfully, whether you want to save your relationship after infidelity or not.

Some things to do after catching your partner is cheating include:

Find Out Why They Cheated

There are many reasons why people cheat; regardless, infidelity is a choice that is typically more indicative of the unfaithful partner’s character.⁵ Realizing that your partner cheated can bring up lots of insecurities, guilt, and self-blame, but you must ask your partner to explain why they cheated instead of making assumptions that hurt your self-esteem.

Talk to Them

It may be difficult to talk to a partner that betrayed your trust. You may find it challenging to listen to what they tell you, even if they respond well to your questions. Due to the highly emotional nature of confronting infidelity, you may find it hard to focus or know what you want the conversation to result in. Thus, it may be helpful to schedule a time for the conversation, write down questions you have and topics you want to address, and have a structured conversation to avoid getting distracted.

Your partner may become defensive, guarded, or unwilling to answer some questions out of fear that it will lead to additional negative reactions or hurt. You should allow your partner the opportunity to respond and remain calm, even if they become defensive or upset while reinforcing the importance of dealing with these issues to determine how or if you move forward. If you feel flooded with emotions, tempers flare, or things escalate, be willing to walk away and return once you have calmed down.

Turn to Your Support System

Receiving support from others is crucial. Relying on trusted friends who are supportive, nonjudgmental, and trustworthy can be helpful as you navigate the healing process. Joining an in-person or online support group facilitated by a trained professional or peer leader may allow you to meet others with similar experiences and help you feel less alone.

Address Trust Issues

If you’re interested in staying together, you should find ways to rebuild trust in your relationship. Leaving any trust issues unaddressed will leave your relationship vulnerable to further conflict. Your partner should be open to understanding what you need in order to trust again. You may feel tempted to ask your partner to answer questions about the affair, hand over access to their cell phone’s password, location, and/or schedule, or have frequent phone or video check-ins throughout the day for greater transparency. This type of control might not prevent future infidelity, but it can help if the partner who cheated offers some type of transparency or reassurance to help rebuild trust.

Be Respectful & Fair When You Argue

Despite any anger, frustration, or resentment you may feel, it is also important to consider your partner’s perspective and validate their feelings. If you struggle to maintain basic respect or fight fair, try to identify common ground, take turns to speak, address one issue at a time, and use “I” statements instead of blaming each other. If you are unable to do so, try to identify common ground and work toward compromise, take a break from the conversation altogether.

Try Not to Hold Grudges

You may feel the need to remind your partner of their past mistake(s) so that they do not repeat them. However, if you feel the need to rehash past indiscretions or multiple conflicts at once, this can be a sign that you may be holding a grudge over the infidelity. Conversely, recognizing your partner’s efforts provides positive reinforcement and motivation for sustained change.

Work on Unsatisfactory Parts of Your Relationship

In most cases, infidelity can, in part, be indicative of a relationship’s health. In order to work on the parts of your relationship you may not be satisfied with, you and your partner must clearly define your goals, be specific about what your wants and needs are, commit to the work it will take, determine an estimated  timeline, and check in with each other often about your progress.

Working on improving or changing unsatisfactory aspects of your relationship can feel unnatural or forced at times, as it takes effort to implement new routines and habits, so dedicating time to doing the work is a must. For instance, if you want to improve communication in your relationship, a good plan would be something like, “We will communicate by phone twice a day, once during our 20 minute commutes in the morning, 15 minutes midday/lunchtime, and 20 minutes each night after we put the kids to bed.” This arrangement is only beneficial if both partners want to adhere to this type of system.

When to Break Up

Many people deal with guilt and inner conflict about staying in toxic relationships due to religious beliefs, abandonment issues, societal pressures, attachment disorders, and pressure from family and/or friends.⁵ While relationships can heal and recover after infidelity, there are times when moving forward is not the healthiest option.

Some important things to consider if you’re debating a break up include:

• Are they serial cheaters, or is infidelity a one-time issue?
• Does your partner take accountability for their actions?
• Do you regret your decision to be with or stay with him/her?
• Do you resent your partner for the infidelity?
• Do you feel angry and/or frustrated at your partner most of the time?
• Do you take out your anger and frustration on your partner?

The answers to these questions can help you determine if it’s time to end the relationship.

When To Get Couples Counseling & How It Can Help

Marriage and couples counseling can be an important part of rebuilding your relationship after infidelity. There are several options for online couples therapy including, Regain and Talkspace.  Couples counseling can help after infidelity by providing a safe, neutral space for processing and discussing emotions associated with the cheating and betrayal that occurred. It can also help couples explore the causes of the partner’s infidelity with mediation.⁴

Joint and individual counseling can help the unfaithful partner work through the issues that contributed to infidelity.³ Approaches like the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) may be especially beneficial. However, couples therapy is not a replacement for individual therapy; both the partner who was cheated on and the person who cheated can benefit from individual therapy as well.

Individual Therapy

Many victims of infidelity experience symptoms of betrayal trauma, infidelity PTSD, and relationship PTSD.² Individual therapy can help one focus on healing from the trauma they have experienced in addition to learning how to cope with the guilt, shame, self-blame and insecurity that they may be experiencing as a result. It can take a couple of tries to find the right therapist, but you can maximize your chances of success by filtering through an online therapist directory for professionals in your state that focus on relationships and trauma.