31 Gaslighting Phrases Abusers Use

What Is Gaslighting?

Although gaslighting is not a clinical term, the word refers to another person attempting to make you doubt what you believe to be true as a form of manipulation.¹ Whenever someone denies your feelings, thoughts, or behaviors, especially if it is part of a pattern, you are right to suspect gaslighting. There are also instances of unintentional gaslighting but the impacts are the same.

For example, you confront your mother after she embarrasses you in front of your friends. Most parents will apologize and ask for forgiveness. If she doubles down and tells you that you are being too sensitive, this could be gaslighting. Nobody wants to have their mother embarrass them and be treated this way.

31 Gaslighting Phrases Abusers Use

Knowing common gaslighting examples and phrases makes it possible to protect yourself from gaslighting.

The following are 31 phrases abusers may use to gaslight you:

1. “You’re being paranoid.”

This is a favorite phrase of cheating or abusive partners. It may be combined with projection—accusing you of cheating. When combined with accusations, the likelihood of your partner manipulating you increases. Ask yourself, am I generally paranoid? What is making me think this? What does my gut say?

Example Responses

• “Please don’t question my ability to think rationally.”
• “Please don’t dismiss my concerns as unimportant.”

2. “You’re overreacting.”

Does your boss take your ideas and present them as their own without giving you credit? When you try to talk to her about it, do they brush you off? This phrase is used to shut down further dialog and the other person gets off scot-free.

Example Responses

• “You may think that I’m overreacting, but I am trying to communicate how I’m feeling to you.”
• “It’s important to me that we can talk openly to each other to work through problems.”
• “You don’t necessarily need to agree or feel the same way that I do for my feelings to be true and valid.”

3. “That never happened.”

Although it can be hard for parents to hear when their child opens up about bad things that happened to them in childhood, healthy parents want to learn all they can about it and support their adult children. Wholesale denial that it even happened can indicate you are being gaslit or grew up with toxic parents. Remember, the goal of gaslighting is to get you to deny your own reality.

Example Responses

• “I know it can be hard to hear that a loved one went through something hard, but that does not make it acceptable to dismiss my experience.”
• “It’s hurtful that you could dismiss me so quickly. It’s important for me and our relationship that you don’t dismiss my experience.”
• “I had a different experience than you, and this is truly what happened to me.”

4. “You are making that up.”

Similar to “that never happened,” this statement is even more damaging. Telling you that you are making things up leads you to not only doubt your reality but it accuses you of trying to gaslight and manipulate them. Most of us take some pride in being open and honest people, and this phrase turns that upside down.

Example Responses

• “Insinuating that I’m not honest is hurtful to me and our relationship.”
• “I understand feeling a big reaction at hearing I went through something hard, but saying that I made this up is not okay.”
• “I am being serious about this, and I did not make it up.”

5. “You have always been crazy.”

Watch out for “always.” Nobody is always one way. Ask yourself whether this person benefits from me thinking of myself that way. Do other people in my life think of me that way? It may help to think of past times when you were not angry, crazy, bad with money, and so forth.

Example Responses

• “Calling me names will not change the reality of what I just shared with you.”
• “It’s hurtful for me to hear that you have always thought of me this way, and it is making me question our relationship.”
• “Do not call me crazy to deflect from what we’re talking about right now.”
• “I will not continue to stay in this conversation if you cannot refrain from name calling.”

6. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

This may be said when you are trying to get them to understand your point of view. Or, they may not like hearing calm, reasonable questions about their behavior. It is a way of prematurely shutting down the conversation.

Example Responses

• “I would like you to validate my experience/reflect that you understand me” (which they may or may not be able to give you).
• “I understand this is hard to hear and talk about, but it feels important for me to share and talk about with you.”
• “I know it’s uncomfortable, but it’s important for me to share this so that you know that I cannot continue to accept this behavior.”

7. “It’s your fault.”

Suppose you left some food for your partner that just needed to be heated up. They refuse to pop it in the microwave and instead blame you for their hunger. They wanted you to serve them hot food and nothing else would do. Same with anger. When you have to walk on eggshells around someone, gaslighting is likely at play.

Example Responses

• “You are responsible for the choices that you do or do not decide to make, not me.”
• “I understand that you’re angry right now, but blaming me is not fair.”
• “Lashing out at me is not a healthy way to deal with your anger.”

8. “Everyone agrees with me.”

This has the added bonus of making you feel isolated. If they can convince you a reasonable person would agree with them, you will likely back down and question your own reality. If you already harbor doubts about yourself in this area, it can be hard to see the manipulation at play.

Example Responses

• “Just because other people agree with you does not mean that I have to agree with you.”
• “That makes it sound like you have been talking with ‘everyone’ behind my back about me, which I find both hurtful and unhelpful for this conversation.”
• “That feels like it’s meant to make me doubt myself, which feels manipulative.”

9. “It was just a joke, can’t you take a joke?”

If you get upset over an insult, you may hear that it’s “just a joke” or they were “just joking.” Of course, close friends, partners, and relatives joke around with each other. But if these often come at your expense and you can’t reply in kind without negative consequences, pay attention to this.

Example Responses

• “I didn’t find that joke funny.”
• “Maybe it was funny to you, but I found it hurtful. If you continue to joke about this then I will need to leave the conversation.”
• “I know it can be uncomfortable when it feels like you’re in trouble because someone called you on your joke, but it feels important to me to share with you why that joke was not okay to me.”

10. “How dare you accuse me of doing that!”

I never did that. You are the one who is hurting me. This is a tactic known as DARVO, deny, attack, reverse victim, and offender. This tactic, often used by narcissistic abusers, tends to work because most people are horrified that they have hurt another person. It gets you to drop your valid concern and focus on earning forgiveness.

Example Responses

• “I can understand that that would make you feel defensive. It feels important for me to share my experience so that we can address what happened.”
• “My intention is not to accuse you of being a bad person, my intention in bringing this up is to figure out a way forward that works for both of us.”
• “I am open to talking about how you feel I have hurt you. Before we turn the conversation to that, can you acknowledge the pieces that I have brought up to you?”

11. “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?”

This phrase may indicate a golden child/scapegoat dynamic. The golden child can do no wrong, while the scapegoat can do no right. This leaves everyone unbalanced as they compete for love and attention from the parent.

Example Responses

• “No matter how hard I might try, I am me. I cannot be my sibling.”
• “Please do not insinuate that my sibling is right/good and how I am is wrong/bad. This is an unhealthy comparison that gets in the way of our relationship.”
• “Please do not dismiss my concerns as less important than my sibling’s because they show up in more palatable ways to you.”

12. “I can’t have any negative emotions around you.”

When defending yourself from abuse, watch out for blanket statements like this one. Perhaps you called them out and their reaction is a torrent of abuse. When you point that out, they become hysterical or cold, claiming they can’t be their true selves around you.

Example Responses

• “That feels like a defensive reaction. I know this is uncomfortable to talk about, but it feels important to me so we can figure out how to move forward in a healthier way.”
• “It’s hard when someone sets a limit on unacceptable behaviors, however it is not my job to stay silent because something would make you uncomfortable.”
• “You can have negative emotions around me. But you must always treat me with respect, regardless of the emotions you’re feeling.”

13. “There is something seriously wrong with you.”

If every time you talk about your feelings, you are met with a version of this statement, consider the source. If they are walking away feeling superior and you are left wondering if there is, indeed, something wrong with you, who does this benefit?

Example Responses

• “There is nothing wrong with me because I have feelings and needs. Those are normal aspects of being a person.”
• “This feels like a way to shut my emotions and this conversation down, which is unhelpful.”

14. “The Bible commands us to … ”

Using religion to gaslight you is a special type of malice. Inserting themselves into your relationship with God to benefit them often works well for them, while leaving you shaken and guilty. This is a form of spiritual abuse, and it’s not okay under any circumstances.

Example Responses

• “Please do not use the Bible/my faith to manipulate my choices/feelings/behavior.”
• “I am responsible for my spiritual health, you are not responsible for it. Please do not interject your opinion in this area of my life.”

15. “You’re not perfect, either.”

When you try to bring up a grievance, the conversation quickly shifts to mistakes you’ve made in the past. There is no room for the current issue you are trying to discuss. This puts you on the defense, which is the point.

Example Responses

• “Me bringing up this concern is not me trying to say I’m perfect. I’m trying to talk about the concern I brought up.”
• “Please don’t shift to talking about past issues to distract away from my current concern.”

16. “Stop exaggerating.”

Your concerns are not important to them, so you must be embellishing. Ask yourself, does this person usually brush off issues I bring up? Do other people in my life accuse me of exaggeration?

Example Responses

• “I know it probably feels easy to minimize this because it isn’t a priority for you, but I am not exaggerating or embellishing this.”
• “It is important to me to have my concerns taken seriously.”

17. “Don’t blame me, I never meant to hurt you.”

This is frustrating to hear. Intentions aside, you were hurt, and hearing this stonewalling technique stops the conversation cold. Sometimes the silent treatment will follow. This is a time to be extra kind to yourself, as you wrap your mind around what just happened.

Example Responses

• “I understand that someone holding you accountable is uncomfortable, but it is important for me to make sure you understand that this behavior is not acceptable to me.”
• “You are responsible for both your intentions and your impact.”

18. “Let’s forgive and forget.”

You’re a forgiving person, or at least you like to think so. If you have heard this in your religious tradition, you may feel bad about not letting it go. Remember, forgiveness is not reconciliation. You can forgive and still honor your boundaries.

Example Responses

• “I understand wanting to move forward, but if this happens again we will need to revisit this instance to address an overall pattern of behavior.”
• “I can/cannot forgive. I can/cannot avoid bringing this up again.” (The can/cannot options are both there on purpose. It is okay either way, as long as you’re being honest.)
• “I feel like you’re taking advantage of my understanding nature, and I need to have a further discussion about this.”

19. “Why are you always bringing up the past?”

Likely because nothing has been resolved. If you are trying to point out a pattern of behavior, they do not want to hear it. They have no interest in being held accountable for past abuse.

Example Responses

• “I can stop bringing up past instances when the overall pattern of behavior changes and we no longer need to address this.”
• “I am bringing up something you did that is not okay, please don’t turn this back on me in defensiveness. Do you have the capacity to have a conversation with me about this?”

20. “This is how you treat me after everything I’ve done for you?”

The ultimate guilt trip. If said by a parent, remember they are supposed to care for their children. Holding normal parenting over your head is a sure sign your family is gaslighting and manipulating you.

Example Responses

• “This issue that I am bringing up is separate from the things that you have done for me.”
• “The things that you have done for me is one version of caring for me, and this instance that I am bringing up is a different way that you can care for me.”
• “Are you able to stay focused on the concern I brought up without needing to bring in unrelated elements to the conversation?”

21. “We talked about this – don’t you remember?”

Perhaps your partner stayed out late without telling you ahead of time. Most people will stop for a while and comb through their memories to see if this has any merit. Healthy partners would want to apologize if true, but now you are doubting your own memory.

Example Responses

• “Please don’t question my ability to recall our conversations.”
• “Instilling doubt in me in order to deflect responsibility in you is not a healthy or acceptable relational dynamic.”
• “I can’t remember something that never happened. If you thought you communicated something to me and never actually did, I want to remind you that I cannot read minds.”

22. “I think you need professional help.”

Be wary when you are being told any variation of this. Like the play and movie of the same name, the gaslighter’s goal may be to break you completely. Convincing you that you are having a nervous breakdown is an effective way to do this.

Example Responses

• “It feels like you are trying to insinuate that I am not mentally capable of navigating this, and that is insulting to me.”
• “Perhaps we could both use professional support.”
• “I might need professional help to deal with you gaslighting me.”

23. “You think you’re so smart.”

Especially if your abuser is threatened by your intelligence, this cutting phrase is meant to knock you down a peg or two.

Example Responses

• “If recognizing this issue is a problem, then I guess I am a very smart person.”
• “I don’t appreciate you sarcastically belittling me instead of acknowledging and working with me on this issue.”
• “That sounds like contempt, which will only get in the way of this conversation being productive. Are you able to set that aside to talk through this issue with me to work on it?”

24. “You have an active imagination.”

This implies that you have made everything up, or at least embellished heavily. It is designed to get you to go back over the facts you are trying to assert and hopefully make you doubt yourself.

Example Responses

• “I’m not imagining things, I am being very serious that this is an issue for me.”
• “Using the word ‘imagination’ implies that I am not grounded in reality, which is gaslighting. Gaslighting is not healthy or acceptable behavior for me.”
• “Dismissing my concerns as imaginary is both hurtful and unhelpful. Are you able to take my concerns seriously and talk through this with me?”

25. “You always have to be right.”

Projection at its finest. When this is projected onto you, don’t take the bait. Of course, we all like to feel that we are right, but when used as a weapon, it’s about them, not you.

Example Responses

• “That sounds like defensiveness. Are you able to set that aside to talk this through with me?”
• “That makes it sound like you’ve already decided how this conversation ends instead of listening to me.”

26. “I was trying to help you.”

When a gaslighter uses this phrase, they are trying to convince you that they do not have to be held responsible for their action’s impact upon you if they can convince you that their intentions were good. It is important to remember that a person is responsible for both their intention and their impact, and they are still responsible for the impact even if their intentions were pure.

Example Responses

• “Whether you were trying to help me or not, I did not find what you did to be helpful.”
• “Having good intentions does not excuse you from responsibility if your actual impact was not helpful.”

27. “This is why you don’t have any friends.”

This phrase serves a couple purposes when used by a gaslighter. First of all, it acts as a way to instill doubt about yourself. Second, it acts as a deflection away from the issue that you are bringing up. Last, it serves as a reminder about the isolation that they have sown in your life so that you must depend on them socially and so that you do not have objective people to talk through and question their behaviors.

Example Responses

• “Regardless of your opinion on my friendships, this is an issue. Are you able to return our focus back to the issue at hand?”
• “Please do not bring in a different variable that will get us off topic.”
• “Insinuating that I am not capable of friendships is hurtful and not helpful for us to resolve this issue.”

28. “You’re too sensitive.”

A gaslighter uses this phrase in order to instill doubt that you are able to accurately assess a situation and apply the “appropriate” emotional response to it. This sets up the dynamic that they know the “correct” emotional response to the situation and you need to look to them to validate your responses, which gives them the ultimate level of control over your responses.

Example Responses

• “I understand that your emotions on this concern might be different, but that doesn’t mean that mine are wrong or invalid.”
• “Thank you for your concern that I’m not able to accurately emotionally assess this issue, but I want to assure you that I am.”
• “I’m not being sensitive. I am being serious.”

29. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

This is another phrase that gaslighters will use to instill doubt in you by insinuating that you aren’t able to accurately assess the situation. If they can get you to believe this, then they ensure that you will come to them to check in on whether you understand/perceive things correctly, which ultimately translates into getting their approval.

Example Responses

• “I can’t speak for you, but I can speak for my experience and emotions that this is important to me.”
• “Dismissing me like that isn’t actually helpful for us to resolve this.”
• “Insinuating that I’m not intelligent enough to understand the situation isn’t okay. Are you able to back up and listen to what I am sharing concerns with you about?”

30. “Why are you trying to confuse me?”

This is another DARVO tactic where the gaslighter takes your reasonable objections and turns it around to make it seem like you are the gaslighter. They may actually believe their twisted version of the story, or they may do this with the knowledge that you are right but their need to not be wrong is too intense to admit it.

Example Responses

• “I feel confident in my side of what is happening. Please let me know if you need a minute to sort through your side so that we can talk through things.”
• “I’m not trying to confuse you, but I understand if an emotionally charged topic can feel confusing. That makes this important for us to talk through.”

31. “Who do you think they’re going to believe – me or you?”

Gaslighters use this to instill doubt in you so that you are less likely to talk to other people about their behaviors. The more isolated a person is, the easier they are to convince and control.

Example Responses

• “What I’m talking about right now is between you and me, and I would like to focus our discussion on the issue that we are currently trying to figure out.”
• “I don’t know what other people will or will not believe. I don’t need others’ opinions in order to validate what I’m feeling and needing.”
• “It’s my business whether I talk to others about this and to navigate those relationships how I need to. I would like to focus on what has happened between me and you right now.”

Responding to Gaslighting

Knowing these common phrases and ways to respond can help protect yourself from gaslighting. Remember, you are the expert on yourself. Check in with yourself and listen to your gut. Ask yourself what the other person has to gain if you believe them.

The Grey Rock Response

A technique called “grey rock” is helpful when you are being gaslit. Be as boring as a grey rock. Do not engage, do not argue. Agree and end the conversation, or at least change the subject. There is an expression, “Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty but the pig likes it.”

When to Seek Professional Help

If you suspect you’re in a relationship with someone who consistently gaslights you, seeking professional help is crucial. Finding a therapist can provide guidance, validate your experiences, and help you regain your confidence. It’s important to prioritize your mental health and safety, especially if the gaslighting is causing significant emotional distress or affecting your well-being. You can use online therapy if that works better for your schedule than in-person sessions.