Self-Gaslighting: What It Is, Examples, & How to Stop

What Is Self-Gaslighting?

It is normal to second guess yourself at times. But self-gaslighting is more than that: it is self blaming and self shaming where you hold yourself responsible for a situation that was not your fault.

People who have a history of family trauma such as being raised in a dysfunctional environment are more likely to engage in self-gaslighting due to the self-doubt that comes from psychological and emotional abuse. Self gaslighting is a common defense mechanism for people who survived psychological abuse, as it allows them to avoid or decrease conflict with the harmful person.

Self-Gaslighting Vs. Gaslighting

Most of us have heard the term gaslighting, which is a form of emotional and psychological abuse when someone purposefully makes someone question their reality or memory in order to instill doubt. Some examples of gaslighting in a relationship include a partner telling you “it didn’t happen like that, you’re remembering it wrong,” or “you’re overreacting, you always were so sensitive.”

Unlike gaslighting, which happens from external sources, self-gaslighting is something that happens internally. It is something you do to yourself. So instead of someone saying to you “you’re remembering it wrong,” you send this message to yourself.

Why Do People Gaslight Themselves?

Most people do not intentionally gaslight themselves. Rather, it comes due to the self-doubt and low self-esteem that they have, among other reasons. Self-gaslighting can sometimes be a sign that someone is too self-critical.

Possible causes of self-gaslighting include:

• History of psychological abuse: Growing up in an environment with psychological abuse, especially if one or more caregivers has elements of a personality disorder, makes you predisposed to questioning your own reality. This might lead survivors to develop fawning, or what clinicians refer to as a “fawn response,” where you do or say whatever the abuser wants in order to decrease chances of conflict.¹
• Low self-esteem: The elements of low self esteem create the perfect combination of a person who questions their own reality and does not trust their emotions or experiences. This creates a recipe for self-gaslighting.
• Negative self-talk: A pattern of negative self-talk can lead to gaslighting. If you are saying things to yourself such as “you’re so dramatic,” or “why can’t you just get over it?”- this can contribute to self-gaslighting.
• Being a victim of gaslighting: Being a victim of gaslighting makes you more likely to engage in self-gaslighting because you are being forced to doubt your reality. This is because gaslighting calls into question a victim’s ability to self trust.²
• Cultural and societal beliefs about trauma and abuse: Many times we are conditioned to think of emotional and physical traumas as “not as bad”. Victims are told they are overreacting or being dramatic, which contributes to an already present self-doubt.
• Limitations of understanding: Many people who self-gaslight are victims of psychological and emotional abuse from their caregivers. But unfortunately none of this is usually reportable due to laws in our society that only protect against physical abuse. Due to this, they were forced to manage it without support. This led to denial, intellectualization, or other forms of excusing or self-gaslighting in order to manage their reality.
• Revictimization of coming forward: Many people find that the act of coming forward about abuse or assault can be traumatic and even revictimizing. Due to this, it is understandable that many victims do not report their abuse to law enforcement and might even engage in self-gaslighting to protect themselves from the trauma of not being protected.

Examples of Self-Gaslighting

There are many different ways a person may gaslight themselves. Usually self-gaslighting happens when someone’s trauma experiences are discussed, due to a history of having trauma or abuse minimized or denied. While it might be more likely for some people to engage in self-gaslighting when dealing with family members or relationships, some people might do it in all areas of their lives including friendships or even at work.

Examples of self-gaslighting include:

• Telling yourself you are overreacting about an argument with a partner
• Thinking it must not have happened that way in your childhood because none of your other siblings seem bothered
• You convince yourself that you are not the victim of sexual trauma
• Telling yourself you won’t be good at a new skill or hobby
• You tell yourself you deserved to be emotionally abused by a partner
• Saying that your abuse happened because “mom was just upset”
• Minimizing a traumatic environment where dad was drinking because “he had a rough time”
• Telling yourself you need to get over it because “other people had it worse, so I shouldn’t complain”

Impacts of Self-Gaslighting

Self-gaslighting can affect a person’s mental and emotional well-being. While self-gaslighting might not necessarily cause mental health concerns such as anxiety or depression, having an anxiety disorder or a depressive disorder might make someone more likely to engage in self-gaslighting.

Possible impacts of self-gaslighting include:

• Limited ability to trust yourself: When we constantly tell ourselves that we are not seeing, feeling, or experiencing what we are, it can lead to feelings of confusion that comes from self-doubt.
• Increased self shaming: Violent acts such as sexual abuse or assault often results in the victim gaslighting themselves.³ Due to this, there will be an increase in self-shaming thoughts or beliefs that you somehow caused the assault or were at fault in another way.
• Symptoms of depression: Symptoms of depression sometimes develop if the person is forced to deny their reality due to lack of support from family and authorities, or inability to come forward about what happened.
• Emotional dysregulation: Due to the up and down emotions of experiencing traumatic events, and then denying them to yourself, many victims experience symptoms of emotional dysregulation.
• Addiction or self-medicating: People who experienced a long history of psychological abuse often engage in self-soothing behaviors such as substance use, over eating, etc. This is because they spent such a long time denying their abuse and trauma that they had to find ways to self soothe.
• Confusion: When we spend so long telling ourselves that an event didn’t happen, or that we overreacted, then we might even confuse ourselves and convince ourselves that it did not happen the way we originally thought.
• Distrust of the police and law enforcement: Because so many perpetrators of abuse and sexual assault are not held accountable, many victims feel that they do not trust authorities, and are forced to deny their reality rather than acknowledge that they are not being protected. “One can argue that the reason for this is due to the decrease in arrests related to rape and sexual assault cases.”³

8 Ways to Stop Gaslighting Yourself

Self-gaslighting can start to feel so automatic that it is a habit that is assumed to be difficult to break. Fortunately, there are ways that a person can learn to break the pattern and stop gaslighting themselves.

Below are eight ways to stop self-gaslighting:

1. Practice Self-Compassion

Learning how to love yourself and practice self-compassion can help you decrease the habit of gaslighting yourself. Practicing self-compassion for the part of you that experienced a traumatic event is essential to stopping this behavior, and can help you overcome your inner critic.

2. Know When to Leave a Relationship

Gaslighting often calls into question a sense of credibility, both for the victim and the person who is doing the gaslighting. Most successful gaslighting is done because of a power differential, where one person has credibility. Therefore, “the credibility assessment itself plays a crucial part in the gaslighting process.²

This means that if the victim sees their partner as having more power, due to gender, age, or cultural factors, they are more likely to believe that their partner is right and they are wrong. This power differential being used to one’s advantage is one of the signs of a toxic relationship. This is why it is important for a person to leave a toxic relationship, especially if it causes them to self-gaslight.

3. Remind Yourself of your Truth

Many people who engage in self-gaslighting find that the more they engage in this behavior, the more difficult it is to validate themselves. Self-gaslighting becomes so habitual because it “…severely damages a person’s agency.”³

Reminding yourself of your truth, and taking time to validate it, can help decrease the negative effects that come from denying your reality through self-gaslighting.

4. Practice Telling Yourself to Stop:

When you’re engaging in self-gaslighting, when you have these thoughts, tell yourself to stop! This will force you to look at your behavior and switch focus, even if just for a few seconds, making you more aware of what you are doing.

5. Ask Yourself: What Would You Tell a Friend?

If your friend was upset, would you tell them they are overreacting or being dramatic? Or would you take time to show empathy and support? Treat yourself the way you would someone else, by showing compassion and empathy.

6. Become More Self-Aware

When we work to cultivate self-awareness by learning about why we engage in self-gaslighting in certain instances, this can help us develop self-acceptance. Changing how survivors see themselves can make them feel empowered to stand up for themselves.

7.Become Curious:

Self-gaslighting is a behavior that stems from your mind’s attempt to save you from something, such as trauma or revictimization. Becoming curious about what this defense mechanism is trying to protect you from will help you build awareness about yourself. Is it that you do not want to acknowledge your abusive partner’s behavior?

8. Surround Yourself With Positive People:

When we surround ourselves with people who validate and support us, we are less likely to engage in self-gaslighting.

Someone who tells you that you are overly sensitive might not be understanding of your situation.On the other hand, a friend who says, “no, don’t say that- what you experienced was horrible and you have every right to be mad!” is a friend who has your best interest at heart.

When to Seek Professional Help

While most times self-gaslighting is not necessarily harmful, it can still result in additional stress and frustration if it becomes a pattern that gets you to ignore your gut instinct and feelings. If you frequently engage in self-gaslighting statements or behaviors, it might be worth finding your own therapist to figure out why. Often it is a result of trauma or a history of self-doubt. Finding the right therapist is easy when using an online therapist directory.

In My Experience

In my experience, those who engage in self-gaslighting often do so due to an internal self-doubt that was instilled from childhood. Growing up in environments where our feelings were challenged, denied, or even ridiculed will often result in an adult who questions their own feelings and reality. Being aware of this tendency to gaslight yourself will help you change the pattern.