Unintentional Gaslighting: What It Is, Examples, & How to Respond

What Is Unintentional Gaslighting?

In the traditional sense, gaslighting refers to a form of manipulation and emotional abuse where someone intentionally instills doubt in your mind about an event. Even though it might feel similar at the moment, unintentional (aka unconscious) gaslighting is not done intentionally or with the same ill intent as overt gaslighting.

While some people are more likely to engage in this behavior, anyone can become an unintentional gaslighter.

Is Unconscious Gaslighting Abuse?

Although it is not done with malice, unconscious gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. It can still lead to negative consequences, and the victim may end up harmed in the process.

People who engage in unintentional gaslighting are unaware of their actions. An example of this is telling a partner that we thought the store was out of the cereal they like when in reality, we didn’t remember to look for the cereal and did not want to admit that we forgot.

Why Does Unconscious Gaslighting Happen?

There are many reasons why unintentional gaslighting may occur in a relationship. Maybe someone is trying to help their friend think more positively but is disregarding the friend’s feelings in the process, or a controlling parent is making humble suggestions on how a child is doing something.

Regardless of the reason, this form of gaslighting happens unintentionally- meaning that there was no intended malice or intent to make a person feel crazy or mistaken.

Who Does It Affect?

Anyone can become the victim of unconscious gaslighting. In fact, most people probably do not even know they were subjected to this form of gaslighting, such as the partner in the above example who was told their cereal was unavailable because that was easier than their partner admitting they forgot.

Although it can happen to anyone, there are people who are more at risk of becoming a victim. Those with low self-esteem, struggling to trust their gut, and exhibiting signs of being codependent in a relationship are more likely to fall prey to this form of gaslighting.

Examples of Unintentional Gaslighting

Unintentional gaslighting may look different depending on the nature of the relationship and the situation. Someone in a more intimate relationship, such as a friend or romantic partner, may unintentionally gaslight someone in a way that looks different from someone in a professional relationship.

Below are some examples of unintentional gaslighting:

Toxic Positivity

Toxic positivity is a great example of intentional gaslighting. Despite being done with the best intentions, toxic positivity is dismissive and sends the message that the person is unapproachable. Thus, it can negatively impact a person’s relationships despite the intention.

Disregarding Others’ Opinions

Unintentional gaslighting can stem from failing to acknowledge another person’s opinion. Even if done unconsciously, constantly pushing one’s own ideas, feelings, or perceptions of something constitute gaslighting.

Making Up Excuses

Making up excuses for a situation, statement, or behavior is one way someone may unintentionally gaslight. An example of this is when someone says things such as, “oh, I didn’t understand the question,” or “I thought that’s what you wanted, I’m sorry!”

Speaking in Absolutes

Saying things such as “you always,” or “we never” are examples of absolute statements. Nobody will always be one way or another, so this is often said as an exaggeration out of frustration. While unintentional, it is a mild form of gaslighting.

Telling White Lies

White lies, or something small told in an attempt to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, can also be unintentional gaslighting. An example of this is when someone says something like, “oh, the party was boring, you didn’t miss anything” to someone who was not invited.

Refusing to Admit Their Memory is Wrong

We all have experiences where we perhaps remember something wrong, only to be later reminded of what happened. Sometimes, someone can unintentionally gaslight out of stubbornness and refuse to admit they were wrong. When that happens, they are engaging in unintentional gaslighting.

Impacts of Unintentional Gaslighting

Even though it is not done with malice, unintentional gaslighting can greatly impact a person’s relationships if done repeatedly. It can cause a person not to trust the individual. If it happens frequently enough, it can lead to long-term mental health impacts such as anxiety or nervousness or even contribute to feelings of depression.

 Impacts of unconscious gaslighting may include:

• Increased distrust of the person: Over time, it will be more difficult to trust someone engaging in this behavior
• Less willingness to confide in the person: When someone repeatedly engages in unintentional gaslighting, they might appear unreliable or unapproachable
• Decreased relationship satisfaction: When we do not feel like we can trust or rely on our partner, resentment and other negative feelings will build. This can lead to feelings of contempt in a relationship.
• Increased risk for depression: When you are continuously surrounded by someone who makes you question your reality, even if unintentionally, this can increase your risk of depression

How to Respond to Unintentional Gaslighting

Although unintentional gaslighting will often happen without your awareness, you will most likely become aware of it eventually. Luckily, there are ways a person can effectively respond to unintentional gaslighting in their relationships while expressing their concerns in healthy ways.

Below are tips for responding to unintentional gaslighting:

Call Out the Behavior

Sometimes, calling someone out on their behavior and talking through it can be helpful. While this might not help stop unintentional gaslighting in its tracks, it might help to prevent- or at least decrease- it in the future.

Focus on Your Truth

It is important to ensure that you engage in emotional self-care when dealing with unintentional gaslighting. This will help you focus on maintaining your self-confidence and self-esteem throughout this process, which is crucial for combating gaslighting.

Know When To Leave

Sometimes unintentional gaslighting is rooted in power and control dynamics. “Specifically, gaslighting is effective when it is rooted in social inequalities, especially gender and sexuality, and executed in power-laden intimate relationships.”¹

Because of this, unintentional gaslighting can be a sign of a toxic relationship, and someone might consider leaving or taking a break from the relationship.

Offer an Alternative Opinion

Give the person a chance to realize that there are other ways to look at the situation by offering an alternative opinion. Hopefully, this will make them say something like, “Oh, I never thought about it like that, thank you!”

Be Patient

When we are unintentionally gaslighted, it can be frustrating. However, being patient while exploring the situation further can be beneficial as it will decrease the likelihood of conflict.

Ask Questions

Asking follow-up questions will allow you to gain more clarification, which can help you figure out the truth. An example of this is asking if your partner checked the top shelf for the cereal they claimed was not in the store or asking if they asked the store associate.

Consider the Intent

While it might be easy to jump to conclusions, take a moment to consider the intent of the person speaking. It might be worth reminding yourself that they are not doing this out of malice.

How to Stop Unconscious Gaslighting

What if you are the one doing the unconscious gaslighting toward others? Taking a step back during conversations can be helpful, as this will allow you to see the bigger picture. Another option is asking loved ones to call you out on this behavior.

Below are ways to stop yourself from gaslighting unintentionally:

• Be mindful of any toxic positivity: If you are someone who says things such as “look on the bright side,” or “good vibes only,” in response to someone sharing difficult times with you, then working to change these messages might decrease the chance that you will unintentionally gaslight someone.
• Try not to speak in absolutes: Many of us say things such as “this always,” or “that never.” Try to stop using absolutes in your conversations, as they leave little room for subjectivity.
• Recognize your behaviors: We can not change something that we do not recognize. If you acknowledge what you are doing, then this is the first step towards changing the behavior.
• Stop trying to always be right: For some, being right is essential to their self-worth. If you feel like you can relate to this, it might be worth taking time to validate yourself and work on coping with the negative feelings that come up for you when you are not right.
• Recognize when you are telling “white lies”: Although usually done to minimize hurt feelings, reducing the times you tell white lies will decrease the number of times you unintentionally engage in gaslighting behaviors.
• Make more of an effort to listen: Being more curious about others’ thoughts and opinions will help us decrease the chances that we are saying things that can come across as unintentional gaslighting.

How Therapy Can Help

While most forms of unintentional gaslighting are not harmful, they can still result in additional stress and frustration, especially if it takes place in a relationship or a family. Couples or families could benefit from family therapy or marriage and couples counseling if all parties are insightful and open to self-reflection. Thankfully, there are online marriage counseling options available, too.

If you frequently engage in these behaviors, it might be worth finding your own therapist to figure out why. Often it is a result of trauma or an uncomfortable feeling that you are trying to avoid.

In My Experience

Unintentional gaslighting is something that most, if not all, of us, have been guilty of, at least occasionally. In my practice, I often see unintentional gaslighting used with couples, where one says “everything is fine,” when their tone, facial expression, and body language all convey otherwise. Although this is often done for many different reasons, such as discomfort in expressing one’s emotions or wanting to avoid an argument, it is still a form of gaslighting that can be harmful in relationships if done often. After understanding what unintentional gaslighting is, you may realize that certain behaviors you once considered normal are actually a mild form of gaslighting.