Is It Possible to Be a Healthy Narcissist?

What Is Healthy Narcissism?

Some of the behaviors that are associated with healthy narcissism include being able to prioritize one’s own needs and competently meet them without demanding praise or attention from others. These seeds of healthy narcissism are planted early in life. In fact, infants are born into a web of essential narcissism. Helpless to survive on their own, infants must rely on others, both in terms of physiological and socio-emotional needs. Being cared for appropriately will assure the tiny person that their needs are valid and that they are worthy of others’ concern and care. This supports positive self-esteem in the child which sets them up for healthy narcissism to develop as they mature.

Healthy narcissists recognize their own values as well as the value of others. They are able to support their friends when they are successful, and they don’t experience the overly intense feelings of competitiveness that those with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) do. When things go wrong in the life of a healthy narcissist, they don’t dwell on the negative event or dissolve into a fit of rage or upset. They take ownership of their failures and do not look for others to blame for their own mistakes.

Positive traits of healthy narcissism include:

• Positive self-esteem
• Healthy ambition
• Self-confidence
• Valuing of oneself
• Persistence
• Resilience
• Strong sense of wellbeing

History of the Term

Primary narcissism refers to the earliest form of narcissism present at birth. Infants focus solely on getting their needs met and this early narcissism is a survival tool. In toddlerhood, children learn the power of ownership and will want to claim everything as “mine!” This behavior is also an expression of primary narcissism.

In 1929, Paul Federn first described healthy narcissism. His definition focused on self-love and the ability to be realistic and grounded in what a person is capable of achieving.¹ Later, in the 1970s, Heinz Kohut proposed that “normal narcissism” reflected an individual’s healthy self-love. He believed that this was a necessary predecessor for creativity, empathy, and fulfillment.² Understanding and accepting oneself fully with self-confidence, and self-esteem can be considered expressions of healthy narcissism.

6 Signs of Healthy Narcissism

One of the most striking differences between individuals with a healthy level of narcissism and those who have too much is related to the relationships they create. Individuals with healthy levels of narcissism enjoy positive relationships with others, something true narcissists are unable to achieve. Healthy narcissism focuses on caring about oneself without infringing on the best interests of others.

Here are six signs of healthy narcissism:

1. Assertiveness

Assertiveness involves clearly and confidently seeking what is due or desired without resorting to abrasiveness or aggression, which can be hallmarks of unhealthy narcissism. Being comfortable asserting your own needs can pay off in multiple ways, including your successful pursuit of academic and career goals. Assertiveness reflects self-confidence, which is a trait that is attractive to others. It is also a skill that can be learned if it does not come naturally to you.

2. Self-Love

There is only one person that you can count on to always have your back–yourself. Being able to fully embrace who you are, including your weaknesses and strengths, is a key ingredient in healthy narcissism. Self-love is at the heart of success when dealing with misfortunes experienced in life and relationships.

Learning to love yourself can free you to explore opportunities in life and recover from setbacks. Self-love is not about focusing only on yourself and your own needs; it is about loving yourself confidently enough to open up to others in life. When you feel you are worthy of love, so will the others in your life.

3. Healthy Pride in Abilities & Accomplishments

Taking pride in the work that you do or the talents you possess is an important aspect of healthy narcissism. While unhealthy narcissists are overly boastful about even their minor accomplishments, it is not wrong to show appropriate levels of pride in what you’ve achieved. In fact, taking pride in one’s achievements is a sign of a healthy ego.

Pride should not be confused with arrogance. Healthy narcissists will recognize the challenges they’ve faced in working towards their goals, but they don’t brag about their specialness or exceptional talents. A healthy narcissist will use their unique skills or abilities to find fulfillment for themselves, not as talking points to impress others.

4. Ability to Establish & Maintain Healthy Boundaries

Individuals who possess a healthy level of narcissism are able to create and manage healthy boundaries with others in their lives. They value themselves and their resources, and use boundaries to communicate this to others. This supports autonomy and connection by clearly delineating where one person ends and another person begins.

Healthy boundaries can be firm in some cases, but more flexible in others. Individuals with clear boundaries will experience less conflict and resentment with others, as miscommunication and misunderstandings about certain behaviors and actions are decreased. By setting and communicating your boundaries, you are showing that your time and resources have value.

5. Admiring of Others & Their Accomplishments

Being able to admire others for who they are and appreciate their achievements are behaviors that come naturally to healthy narcissists. They don’t experience extreme feelings of competitiveness that grandiose narcissists do, and are able to acknowledge others’ successes without feeling that their own are threatened. Healthy narcissists look inward to assess their success.

When a person feels confident in their own level of achievement, this is a sign of healthy narcissism. Healthy relationships require mutual respect and admiration, and these are only possible if both individuals are able to love and respect themselves.

6. Strong Commitment to Goals

Having clear goals in life and developing a plan to reach them are behaviors healthy narcissists exhibit. While unhealthy narcissists will have unrealistic dreams of achievements and success, healthy narcissists are able to identify realistic goals and create a practical plan for reaching them.

While healthy narcissists may occasionally entertain some “pie-in-the-sky” fantasies of immeasurable success, they remain fully grounded in realistic appraisals of their abilities. Once they establish a goal, healthy narcissists will work towards achieving it. Their self-awareness and their self-confidence support their efforts to see their fruition. They take pride in accomplishing what they set out to do.

Healthy Narcissism Vs. Unhealthy Narcissism

The most essential difference between healthy and unhealthy narcissism is the individual’s ability to look beyond meeting their own needs and care about the needs of others. Healthy narcissists take pride in who they are and what they do in life, but that does not preclude their ability to care about others or to offer empathy and authenticity to other people.

Key differences between healthy and unhealthy narcissism include:

Possible Causes of Healthy Narcissism

Ideally, everyone would grow up with a healthy level of narcissism that would support self-love, self-confidence, and the desire to form healthy relationships. There is no single cause for the development of healthy narcissism, although both nurture and nature are likely involved. As described earlier, infants and very young children naturally exhibit narcissistic tendencies as these are essential to their development. As parents tamp down the negative expressions of narcissism, they can also foster the continued development of healthy narcissism through appropriate feedback and support.

Possible factors that contribute to the development of healthy narcissism include:

• Genetic makeup: Some children are just naturally more self-confident, resilient, and assertive from birth. They do not feel the need to constantly compare themselves to others, steal the spotlight when in a group, or be treated better than others.
• Parenting styles: A child’s self-esteem is based on how they imagine they are seen through the eyes of their parents. If parents are engaged in their relationship with their child and consistently support the development of the child’s self-esteem, validate the child’s needs and achievements, and provide a stable and accepting environment, the child is in a good position to develop a healthy amount of narcissism.
• Environment: In families where there is adequate support for a child’s healthy emotional development, healthy narcissism is more likely to develop. If children are raised to be responsible and are able to safely make and learn from mistakes without the risk of love being withdrawn, they will likely be more resilient.
• Cultural background: In collectivist cultures, individuals are encouraged to recognize the role they play in greater society. This may lead to higher levels of healthy narcissism.
• Gender: Gender may play a role in the level of narcissism a person exhibits. Studies suggest that men are more likely to be diagnosed with NPD which may be related to the ways in which parenting differs based on a child’s gender.³ Boys are often encouraged to strive for success, to conquer the competition, and to not let their vulnerability show. Girls learn different lessons with a focus on caring about others’ feelings and being considerate of others.

Can Therapy Help?

Individuals may consider seeking professional help if they have concerns regarding their own level of narcissism and are wondering if they exhibit too high a level of narcissism. In many cases, individuals who are too narcissistic will seek help only if they are at risk of losing an important relationship. They may have been given feedback about their self-absorption, arrogance, or inability to empathize with others.

Those with a deficit of healthy narcissism may seek help based on comments from others related to their lack of self-confidence, the need to assert themselves more strongly, or the need to be more resilient. If you are ready to seek help, there are many ways to find the right therapist who is a good fit for your needs. These include pursuing an online therapy directory, asking your doctor for a referral, or asking loved ones for referrals. When you make the choice to seek help, you can reap the many benefits of therapy, including enhancing your self-understanding and forming better relationships with others.

Final Thoughts

As we mature in life, having a well-developed level of healthy narcissism grows in importance. Healthy narcissism allows us to celebrate our victories with grace and acknowledge our failures with kindness. Healthy narcissism promotes reliance on an internal locus of control in which we feel competent and confident in decision-making, pursuing goals, and forging and maintaining relationships with others.