It’s uncommon for a narcissist to wonder if they’re narcissistic, especially how to stop being a narcissist. If you’re questioning your behavior, you likely have a mental health disorder that overlaps with narcissism. However, it’s important to consider the chance that you’re picking up on true narcissistic traits. Take time to self-reflect and work with a therapist.
What Is Narcissism?
Narcissism can be described as possessing an inflated sense of self-importance with limited self-awareness. As a result, people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) tend to struggle with maintaining personal and professional relationships. They often underestimate the negative impact their actions or words have on others.
How Can I Tell If I’m a Narcissist?
If you think you might be a narcissist, look for specific traits within yourself. Observe your behavior, self-interest, and ability to maintain close personal or professional relationships.
To tell if you’re a narcissist, ask yourself these questions:
- Do you require a lot of attention?
- Do you take more attention than you give?
- Are your attention-seeking behaviors a turn-off for others?
- Are you unable to identify or own how you contribute to poor outcomes, such as hurting someone’s feelings or causing issues in group settings?
- Do you worry so much about yourself that you’re unable to care about the emotions of others?
- Do you cut off relationships if they don’t feed your self-esteem or grant you personal gain?
- Do you constantly criticize others?
- Does criticism or a lack of ego-boosting trigger shame that causes you to cut people out of your life?1
- Are you always seeking ways to become more successful, even at the detriment of others?
What Causes Someone to Be a Narcissist?
There are many factors that may play a role in the development of any type of narcissism, including childhood abuse, sexual trauma, and genetics. Interruptions to healthy, uncompromised brain development can also lead to narcissistic personality disorder.
Possible causes of narcissistic personality disorder include:
- Inconsistent or emotionally volatile home environment: Any extreme (too much or not enough) praise, admiration, or indulgence can lead to narcissism. An overall lack of balance and stability causes internal homeostasis to go awry, leading to mental health concerns, including NPD and vulnerable narcissism.2
- Learning narcissistic behaviors in childhood: A child raised by narcissistic parents may develop and experience narcissism because manipulative family dynamics can be a trigger.
- Brain development and structure: The brain of someone with narcissistic personality disorder has less gray matter in the part that controls cognitive and emotional regulation, including empathy and compassion, two traits commonly missing in any type of narcissistic personality.3
- Childhood trauma: Childhood trauma contributes to emotional wounds, shame, and poor self-esteem and may play a role in the development of NPD.4
- Experiencing abuse: Children who experience abuse may adopt unhealthy defense mechanisms to cope with neglect and shame. This may contribute to narcissistic traits and behavior.
- Genetics: Research suggests that the grandiosity and entitlement associated with narcissism may be inherited.
21 Tips On How to Not Be a Narcissist
As a narcissist, it can be hard to recognize your own trauma. However, if you feel like you are carrying a heavy weight with you at all times, your trauma needs attention to be healed. To address your narcissistic tendencies, it can be helpful to forgive yourself for past mistakes, improve your self-esteem, and reflect on your defense mechanisms. Overcoming narcissism starts with you, and this may take time and dedication. Take it one day at a time.5
Below are 21 tips on how to stop being a narcissist:
1. Accept That Others Are Not Perfect
Accept that people are not perfect, including you, your caregivers and parents, your friends, and the people around you. You may feel a strong urge to control things around you if you have narcissistic traits. Letting go of the fact that everyone is different and will eventually mess up decreases stress, allowing you to become more accepting of things as they are.
2. Remind Yourself of Your Worth
Remind yourself that your worth and value are intrinsic and not reliant on your perfection. NPD usually comes with an underlying theme of shame that can spiral into other unhealthy behaviors such as lashing out when feelings of worthlessness emerge. Those are the moments to remember that your worth and value are not exclusive to perfection.
3. Forgive Yourself
Forgive yourself for setting unreachable expectations, and think about why you made them so high to begin with. Instead of beating yourself up if you don’t achieve your expectations, take responsibility for your actions. You are human and can make mistakes, so give yourself space to feel compassion for those missteps.
4. Allow Yourself to Feel Your Emotions
Allow yourself to experience emotions instead of trying to control every outcome. Our feelings, even the uncomfortable ones, provide us with information. If you ignore or push away emotions, they will manifest eventually, usually in an explosive and harmful way.
5. Identify Your Triggers
We don’t always know what will trigger us, so recognizing the early signs of anger is valuable. When learning how not to be a narcissist, being prepared for rage outbursts is critical. One of the first steps in healing is understanding your individual triggers.
Pay attention to times when you feel angry or the need to control a situation. What was happening at that moment? What contributed to your frustration? The answers will give you clues as to what sets you off, allowing you to be proactive in the future. Then, you can better cope with difficult emotions and stop hurting those around you.
6. Practice Self-Love
Remember to speak to yourself with kindness, offering grace on the hard days. If you continue with unhealthy habits, like bashing or shaming yourself for being vulnerable, your behavior will never change. Everyone is imperfect and deserving of unconditional love. Practicing self-love can help you heal internal emotional wounds and develop compassion toward the world around you.
7. Start Journaling
Try journaling about your thoughts, feelings, and where they come from. Read these out loud to yourself. This may make you feel vulnerable, but seeing your thoughts on paper can be eye-opening. A journal is also a powerful way to uncover your thinking patterns and how these impact your mood and functioning. If journaling feels overwhelming, start small or include it with another habit to help maintain consistency.
8. Practice Stress Management
Practice stress management to get past avoidance behaviors.6 It may seem easier to react with rage to stress if this has been your “go-to” behavior. Stress management is invaluable when working to be less narcissistic. These practices can help you identify triggers, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and decrease negative outbursts and behavior.
9. Try Meditation
Meditate to process emotions differently and allow yourself to be in the moment and notice the thoughts or feelings. You can’t “fix” narcissism, but meditation encourages you to sit and reflect on your tendencies. Meditation comes in many forms and doesn’t necessarily mean sitting in silence for a long time.
You can find a practice that works well for you by working with a professional or using guided meditation. You may feel unsafe and vulnerable at first, so start small and continue to adjust your routine as needed.
10. Take Things One Day at a Time
Remind yourself that you can’t control every outcome of every situation in the future. Our anxiety increases when we worry about what’s to come tomorrow or the next day. We may imagine scenarios of stressful situations that may or may not happen. This leads to more stress and anger, especially if things turn out differently than we thought. Taking things one day at a time can help reduce the urge to control everything. Focus on what is in your power to change.
11. Explore a New Hobby
Cultivate self-love and channel emotions into art, including painting, writing, music, and dancing.7 Finding a new hobby is a healthy distraction and a way to direct your energy into something productive and positive. Rather than responding to stress or anxiety with upset or anger, take a moment to delve into your creative side.
12. Spend Time in Nature
Spend time in nature to reduce feelings of anxiety, narcissistic depression, stress, and other mental health issues. The outdoors offers a place to access and reflect on feelings of happiness and joy–plus, nature is easily accessible. Being in nature benefits mental health, so just a few minutes outside to ground yourself can profoundly impact your mood.
13. Consider the Reasons for Your Actions
Although your reactions may appear without warning, your body will give you signals before these responses occur. Pay attention to any signs within your body after a stressful situation. Take a look at the reasons for your behavior. Are there patterns in your actions? Did you react with anger to something a person said or did? This can help provide more clarity on your narcissistic tendencies.
14. Pause Before Reacting
It may seem as if you go from 0-60 in a second. However, pause and take a deep breath before responding when triggered. Remove yourself from the situation until you are calm. Once this is mastered, you can wait even longer and allow the rational part of your brain to get back “online.” Responding from a place of shame will not benefit you in the long term.
15. Determine an Alternative Reaction
When things don’t go as planned, consider alternative responses to anger or frustration. Instead of reacting out of rage, could you respond with silence or grace? Determine how this may look and mentally replay that alternative. This can help set you up for success in future stressful situations or interactions.
16. Pay Attention to Others’ Feelings
You may need to look at your relationships if you want to stop being a narcissist. Narcissists typically make everything about them, meaning they cannot be supportive of others. A relationship is a two-way street, and the feelings of others matter. Pause and remember your loved one’s emotions and opinions are important, too. Consider asking a friend or family member how they’re doing and paying attention when they respond.
17. Start Apologizing
Apologizing means admitting you’re wrong and putting yourself in a vulnerable place. You may automatically respond to vulnerability with narcissistic rage or lashing out in anger. Remember, we all make mistakes. Owning up to them builds trust with others, maintains relationships, and instills authenticity in relationships.
18. Do Nice Things for Others
Giving support feels just as good as receiving it. Encourage and build up other people by doing something kind for them. This shows that you truly care about them and aren’t making everything about you and your needs.
19. Assume the Best in People
It can be easy to believe that people are untrustworthy, unkind, or out to get us. But those ideas are just that–ideas, not facts. If you distrust people, switch your thought pattern to a more compassionate one. Maybe you don’t know the whole story behind a person’s actions. They may not have meant to hurt you. This can go a long way in managing your reactions and mood.
20. Learn to Listen
Don’t interrupt or redirect a conversation to make it about you. Being a good friend, family member, or spouse means listening to and supporting those in your circle. Active listening means you don’t interrupt. You focus on what the person is saying and give them space to say it.
21. Stop Making Everything “About You”
Many people with NPD ensure that every situation leads back to them receiving attention. This might be a difficult habit to break, but working on it shows those around you that you’re changing your behavior and recognizing that you aren’t the most important person in the room.
How Therapy Can Help
Seeking therapy is a challenge for those with narcissistic personality disorder due to major gaps in self-awareness. However, you may also deal with other mental health concerns if you think you have narcissistic traits or NPD. While there is no “cure” for narcissism, therapy for these challenges can help you get to the root of narcissistic traits.8
Any type of mental health clinician is able to facilitate therapy for narcissistic personality disorder as long as they have the experience. Because narcissists tend to have self-destructive habits and can be dangerous, it’s important to locate therapy as soon as possible.
A simple way to find the right therapist is by searching an online therapist directory and reviewing the list of in-network providers. Look through their profiles and contact a few at a time. Many therapists offer a free phone consultation to give you an opportunity to evaluate whether they’re the right fit for your unique situation. Starting therapy can help you in your journey of healing from narcissism.
Final Thoughts
If you think you might be a narcissist, the first step is to show yourself compassion and reach out to a therapist specializing in this issue. Together, you and your therapist will develop a plan to help you grow into a more fulfilled version of yourself.
For Further Reading
How to Stop Being a Narcissist Infographics
