It’s uncommon for a narcissist to wonder whether they’re a narcissist, let alone how to not be a narcissist. Typically, if you’re questioning your behavior in this way, it’s more likely that you have a mental health disorder that has overlapping traits with narcissism. However, it’s important to consider the chance that you’re picking up on true narcissistic traits. Take time to self-reflect and work with a therapist.
What Is Narcissism?
You could describe narcissism as an inflated sense of self-importance with a limited amount of self-awareness. As a result, narcissistic people who struggle with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), tend to struggle to maintain personal and professional relationships. They often underestimate the negative impact their actions or words have on others.
How Can I Tell If I’m a Narcissist?
If you think you might be a narcissist, look for a series of traits within yourself. For example, do you have a lot of friends but are unable to maintain close personal or professional relationships due to intense self-interest?
To tell if you’re a narcissist, ask yourself these questions:
- Do you require a lot of attention? Do you take more than you give? Are your attention-seeking behaviors a turn-off for others?
- Are you unable to identify or own how you contribute to poor outcomes, such as hurting someone’s feelings or causing issues in group settings?
- Do you worry so much about yourself that you’re unable to care about the emotions of others?
- Do you cut off relationships if they don’t feed your self-esteem or grant you personal gain?
- Does criticism or a lack of ego boosting trigger shame that causes you to cut people out of your life?1
What Causes Someone to Be a Narcissist?
An inconsistent or emotionally volatile home environment, childhood trauma, abuse, sexual exploitation, and genetics all play a role in developing any type of narcissism. Interruptions to healthy, uncompromised brain development can also lead to narcissistic personality disorder. A child raised by narcissistic parents may develop narcissism, and experiences such as manipulative family dynamics can be a trigger.
Any extreme (too much or not enough), whether its praise, admiration, or indulgence, can lead to narcissism. An overall lack of balance and stability causes internal homeostasis to go awry, leading to a series of mental health concerns, including narcissism and vulnerable narcissism.2
Additionally, the brain of someone with narcissistic personality disorder has less grey matter in the part that controls cognitive and emotional regulation, including empathy and compassion, two traits commonly missing in any kind of narcissism personality.3
14 Tips On How to Not Be a Narcissist
As a narcissist, it can be hard to recognize your own trauma; however, if you feel like you are carrying a heavy weight with you at all times, your trauma probably needs attention to be healed.
14 tips to overcome narcissism include:
- Accept that people are not perfect, including you, your caregivers and parents, your friends, and the people around you.
- Remind yourself that your worth and value are intrinsic and not reliant on your perfection.
- Forgive yourself for setting unreachable expectations and think about why you set them so high to begin with.
- Allow yourself to experience emotions instead of trying to control every outcome.
- Identify your triggers for narcissistic rage.
- Celebrate your personal victories.
- Practice self-love.
- Try journaling about your thoughts, feelings, and where they come from. Read out loud to yourself.
- Practice stress management to get past avoidance behaviors.5
- Meditate to process emotions differently.
- Remember to speak to yourself with kindness, offering grace on the hard days.
- Take things one day at a time.6
- Cultivate self-love and channel emotions into art, including painting, writing, playing music, and dancing.7
- Spend time in nature to reduce feelings of anxiety, depression, stress, and other mental health issues.
How Therapy Can Help
One simple way to find a therapist is by searching an online therapist directory and reviewing the list of in-network providers. Look through their profiles and contact a few at a time. Many therapists offer a free phone consultation to give you an opportunity to evaluate whether they’re the right fit for your unique situation.
Seeking therapy is a challenge for those with narcissistic personality disorder due to major gaps in self-awareness. That said, if you feel that you have narcissistic traits or NPD, you may also be dealing with BPD, anxiety, and/or depression. Ultimately, going to therapy for those things will help you get to the root of any narcissistic traits.4
Any type of mental health clinician is able to facilitate therapy for narcissistic personality disorder as long as they have the experience. Because narcissists tend to have self-destructive habits and can be dangerous, it’s important to locate therapy as soon as possible.
Final Thoughts on How to Stop Being a Narcissist
What you’re struggling with may be unique to you, but you’re not alone. If you think you might be a narcissist, the first step is to show yourself compassion and reach out to a therapist who specializes in this issue. Together, you and your therapist will develop a plan to help you grow into a more fulfilled version of yourself.
