Is Texting Cheating?

Is Texting Cheating in a Relationship?

Inappropriate texting in a relationship can be considered cheating in a committed relationship, depending on how the couple define infidelity. Cheating can come in many different forms, such as physical or sexual affairs, emotional affairs and online affairs. Usually, inappropriate texting, depending on the contents of the messages, are categorized as online or emotional affairs.

Couples usually have different rules and boundaries around what makes a person loyal and committed and what they consider a violation of that fidelity. However, a texting affair may start off innocently, without realizing the damage it may eventually inflict on the primary  relationship and how it will impact the other person.

Some examples of texting affairs include:

• Sexting
• Playful banter and flirting
• Emotional, intimate connections via text
• Messaging others inappropriately using online texting apps (i.e., Whatsapp)

Can Texting Lead to Physical Infidelity?

Emotional infidelity significantly promotes sexual infidelity.¹ When people build a connection and begin to open up and become more vulnerable, they will feel closer, which may develop into a physically intimate relationship. Texting can turn into physical attraction, as intimacy is often built on emotional bonding.¹ If there is attraction towards that person prior to forming an emotional connection, forming a stronger bond may lead to physical infidelity. The attention someone gets from the texting affair can make it easier to become physical, as it provides immediate gratification.

Can a Texting Affair End a Relationship?

A texting affair can certainly end a relationship. As with all infidelity, it deceives their partner, which often leads to trust issues in a relationship. Without trust, it becomes impossible to maintain a relationship. Also, becoming involved with someone else pulls the cheating partner away from their established relationship, leaving their partner feeling alone.²

Texting affairs can impact relationships in many ways, including:

• Lack of trust can erode your relationship
• Resentment in marriage
• Emotional and physical disconnect
• Lack of intimacy (i.e., sexless marriage)
• Creates jealousy and insecurity
• Can lead to problems with body image and low self-esteem
• Leads to physical infidelity

7 Signs of a Texting Affair

A texting affair can happen right under your nose if you are not sure what to look out for. Some signs may include the cheating partner fidgeting with their phone and becoming anxious if you look their way, hiding their texts from you, setting a new password suddenly, and blocking access to their devices.

Here are seven potential signs of a texting affair:

• Setting a password: Setting a password is not suspicious by itself, but when a partner changes their password, or sets a new password for the first time and refuses to share it with you, it can be a sign that they are hiding something.
• Hiding texts: They may flip their phone upside down whenever you’re around, or they may delete their text messages right before they spend time with you.
• Becoming defensive: Your partner may become defensive or project their own insecurities onto you when confronted. This can be in the form of them questioning you when they are using an electronic device to distract from their behaviors.
• Becoming distant: They may pull away from you as a result of the attention they’re getting from their texting affair, especially if they choose to spend more time out of the house.
• Lack of emotional/physical connection: If they are getting emotional or physical satisfaction from their affair, they may pull away from you and focus on building these connections with their texting partner.
• Being dismissive: They may dismiss your concerns around their new habits and laugh off any questions about infidelity.
• Anxious around their phone: They may fidget with their phone, change their settings frequently, or check it constantly for new messages.

What Do I Do If My Partner is Texting Someone Else?

If you notice signs of inappropriate texting from your partner, it may be difficult to understand how you feel or know how to react. No one goes into a relationship asking for a person to lie to them, so it is normal to feel sad, confused, lonely, or stressed, but short of seeing an explicit interaction take place, talking to your partner is the best way to confirm the situation.

If your partner is texting someone else inappropriately, you may not know if you should leave or not and may feel insecure due to their partner’s actions. You should reach out for help from family, friends, and professionals. Remember that you always have the right to make the decision that is best for you, even if that means leaving your relationship.

Some important steps to take after a texting affair include:

Have a Structured Conversation

Conversation regarding difficult topics can be intimidating for some; however, having structured conversations helps each person prepare how they want to express themselves. You and your partner can decide on when and where to have the conversation and discuss rules for the conversation. You can also prepare by making a list of topics that you feel are most important to discuss, and those that you do not want brought up. Using healthy communication skills will help the conversation stay positive.

Decide How You Want to Move Forward

When something happens in your relationship that breaks your trust, you should take the time to decide how you want to move forward–whether to stay in the relationship, your conditions for staying in the relationship, or when and how to break up, for example. Cheating can lead to betrayal trauma and infidelity PTSD, so if you feel like you are unable to forgive and forget as this incident of betrayal causes more stress to your life, you may benefit from deciding to leave and heal in the way you need. If you feel confused, you can also explore counseling with your partner prior to making a decision. You should take time to process your feelings and then can decide what you need and what is the best option for you.

Rebuild Trust

After knowing that your partner has been involved in an affair, you may find it hard to trust them again. If you decide you want to stay in this relationship, there are many techniques that can help rebuild trust in a relationship. Both partners should take accountability for their actions and commit to moving forward with open and honest communication. Rebuilding trust takes time, but it helps to set healthy boundaries in your relationship, recognize each other’s efforts, and be consistent.

Be Open & Honest

Being open and honest is important to build a strong relationship foundation. When you take the time to express yourself, even in difficult situations, you are showing your partner that you value them and your relationship. Sitting down to discuss any inappropriate texting and cheating will allow both partners to share their perspectives and understand each other better. The person who is cheated on should be able to ask questions that may help them heal, but try to ask them in a non-judgmental way. The person who was texting should provide all information without being defensive, hiding, or omitting the truth.

Create Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries in relationships helps each partner to know what is and is not going to be tolerated. You should let your partner know whether you can meet their expectations and explain your perspective, and vice versa. This allows you both to explore compromises. For example, each couple may want to redefine the terms and conditions of using electronic devices and how they will each compromise certain behaviors moving forward in order to regain trust.

When to Consider Professional Help

Marriage & couples therapy can help after infidelity by working to assess the couple’s relationship and goals prior to and following the affair. Therapy can facilitate non-defensive, empathetic listening between both parties, which often helps each person better process and move on from the infidelity. ³ A therapist can also help the couple by reframing their problems in new, more effective ways.³

It might also be beneficial for each person to receive additional support from individual counseling. This can help them to identify any triggers and help to find coping skills to address feelings associated with the infidelity, as well as reduce any relationship anxiety and feelings of betrayal. You can find the right therapist by using an online therapist directory.

Final Thoughts

Inappropriate texting can impact your relationship by creating trust issues, lack of intimacy, building resentment, and encouraging jealousy and insecurity. In some cases, it can lead to physical intimacy outside of your committed relationship. If you suspect you or your partner’s texts may be crossing the line, you should first communicate your concerns to remove any unfair assumptions and avoid any misunderstandings.