10 Common Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes to Avoid After Infidelity

Is It Possible to Reconcile After Infidelity?

Yes! It is possible to reconcile after infidelity. It will, of course, change the relationship you had previously. But, the new relationship you create together can be more connected and healthier. Cheating, whether sexual or emotional, breaks the established expectations of a couple. It erodes trust, safety and attachment.¹ Each individual should work to gain insight on what might have contributed to the affair. These insights can later inform the couple about what is important to discard from their marriage and what is important to build on.

10 Common Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes to Avoid After Infidelity

From the beginning, there should be honesty about the affair. The impact and pain of infidelity should not be minimized by either partner. There are multiple common reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity in order to avoid future instances of the same behaviors, and encourage healthy relationship growth. A couple should seek wise help as they navigate this process, and be careful of making hasty decisions. Be sure not to avoid the tough conversations and reach out to your support networks for help.

1. Don’t Minimize the Pain & Impact of Infidelity

Leading marriage researchers often define affairs as emotional or sexual connections with someone outside of a relationship that violate set boundaries of exclusivity with the primary partner. This in turn threatens a person’s relationship.² As difficult as it may be to inform a spouse of infidelity, hearing about it directly from the source may help in the long run. Many people may wonder if their partner would have ever told them about their infidelity if they had not found out. Taking the brave step to share, with the intention of repairing the damage you caused, can set the foundation of truth telling and reconciliation.

Don’t minimize the impact of an affair on a partner; infidelity will shift the reality of their worldview.¹ With that in mind, be truthful and kind in your disclosures, knowing that your partner’s emotions will be intense and they will need time to process what has been shared, or what they have found out.They may struggle to stop overthinking after being cheated on. Be careful about sharing unnecessary details, but do tell the whole truth from the beginning. This is an ideal moment to involve a therapist, as they can help you navigate the choices of this stage.

2. Don’t Make Hasty Decisions

Infidelity devastates the partner who was betrayed. It is very important during this time that you take things slow, as they may feel ambushed and overwhelmed by the disclosure of the affair. When we feel threatened, our decision making capacity is diminished. We will need time to breathe, seek wise support, and be mindful of our needs and desires. Proceed cautiously, making decisions that thoughtfully consider the future and the people affected by your choices. It will take time to grieve and settle the issues of your marriage before working to create a new relationship with one another.

It is okay to take space and time before making decisions. It is difficult to know, in the beginning, how one will feel days, weeks, or months in the future. There are multiple decisions to make and a lot of communication that needs to happen. The decision to reconcile is, in itself, a huge decision and may not be reached quickly. Both partners need to be engaged and working on achieving harmony and balanced functioning of their “marital boat”. All of this takes time, commitment, and soul searching, which is why making hasty decisions can be a mistake during marital reconciliation.

3. Don’t Do It Alone–Seek Wise Help

There are many layers to reconciling after infidelity. While you may want to keep it to yourself while you repair the marriage after an affair–so as not to hurt children, involve family members, or impact your community–it is important to find safe people to help support you.

Some individuals feel safe sharing with a religious leader who can offer support and spiritual nurture. When sharing with a religious leader, friends, or family, it can be helpful to ask if this “safe person” will be wise and thoughtful in their responses. Will they keep this information private? Choose a person that you trust has the best interest of your family at heart. It would be ideal if the couple could have a conversation about who the safe people in their lives might be, so as to avoid potential damage from a gossipy friend, protective sibling, or over-involved relative.

4. Don’t Avoid Hard Conversations

As already noted, there are a lot of mature conversations that should take place in this process, even when both partners are feeling distressed. These conversations begin at the moment of disclosure or discovery, and enable you the opportunity to learn about the current state of your marriage. The nuances of an emotional affair, a one night stand, or a long-term relationship can make all the difference for some couples. Learning about what the affair meant to the unfaithful spouse, as well as what they are willing to do to repair the marriage, can strongly influence whether the aggrieved spouse is open to reconciliation at all.

Conversations can offer a chance for clarity and insight–not only about logistical matters, but also about how to forgive and move forward. That is easier said than done, of course. It is helpful to remember that difficult conversations serve a larger purpose of identifying problems, seeking solutions, processing emotions, and connecting you to your spouse in a deeper and more meaningful way.

5. Don’t Share Details Carelessly

Initially, partners want to know everything about an affair; questions and mental imaginings can torture the betrayed spouse. They may believe that knowing details will help them understand and not feel so distraught in the moment. However, some questions can venture into dangerous territory, in which a spouse starts imagining situations that can create a level of unnecessary suffering.

Because of this, it is important to have insight into which details may continue to haunt a partner after the initial disclosure of infidelity has been made. It is normal for the spouse who has been cheated on to question themselves and wonder how things might have been different “if only”. Set healthy boundaries together in your relationship about the topics and depth of information shared. Figure out how each person can approach this topic, in order to protect their hearts and minds as much as possible.

6. Don’t Forget the Kids

You may have already shared information with your kids about your marital discord, especially if you decided to separate for a period. Remember that you are the pillars of safety in your children’s world. They need the stability that you provide in practical matters, such as a home to live in, food to eat, and getting them to school every day. They will also need a lot of emotional support. They will be confused and anxious about the changes in your family, and require reassurance about the future. Be honest, in an age appropriate way, about how hard the situation is for you, too. But, still let them know that you are getting help, and will still be there to support them.

7. Take Care of Your Physical, Mental, & Emotional Health

Make sure to be intentional about taking extra good care of yourself in terms of sleep, nutrition, and exercise. Learning of any infidelity comes as a shock in a marriage; our physical bodies may grow fatigued as they absorb the stress, grief, and overwhelm of the circumstance.

Exercise is a powerful tool in helping to combat stress, increase the immune system’s ability to cope, and boost moods. Research shows that just 30 minutes of cardiovascular activity a day, three to five days a week, can significantly improve symptoms of anxiety and depression.³ Both exercise and social support can be a powerful tool in taking care of your physical, mental, and emotional health.

8. Don’t Neglect to Address Factors that Contributed to the Infidelity

The partner who cheated is responsible for betraying the expectations of faithfulness and honesty in their marriage. Along with that responsibility, there may be other factors that need to be identified and addressed, if the couple is to truly reconcile and build a better, healthier relationship. For example, was substance abuse a contributing factor to infidelity? Was there a level of conflict in the marriage that needs to be addressed? Does the couple need extra help learning conflict resolution skills?

It is often overlooked that we, as individuals, want to be happy and feel fulfilled in our daily lives. Extramarital affairs often highlight the ways that the mundane activities of life and caring for a home and family can supplant what brings us joy. Maybe we were vulnerable to infidelity, because we were not self-aware of how getting certain needs met might impact valuable aspects of our lives. This level of intentional self-reflection on what is working, and not working so well, can lead to revelations about what our “Self” might really need.

9. Create Something New 

Infidelity, by its very nature, changes the marriage that was. Yes, this is a crisis, and a painful one, but it is also the opportunity to build something new. With insights and thoughtfulness about what has been, couples can envision what might be possible. Most likely, improved communication and healthier ways of resolving conflict will be a part of the changes made.

Furthermore, there may be different boundaries set in place about how each partner spends their time, how they connect with others outside the family unit, and how the family organizes itself to help facilitate these improvements. Often, a crisis like infidelity will refocus the couple on each other, not just the myriad of responsibilities and demands on them.

10. Nurture What You Have Created Together

The work of maintaining a happy and healthy marriage doesn’t stop. A partnership is a dynamic, growing entity that needs nurturing. Take the time and pay attention to rediscover the reasons you were attracted to your spouse at the beginning. Build and strengthen the connections you share and the values that led you to commit to each other in the first place. Reconciliation is a process of shaping, bending, straining, and reconnecting again.

Nurturing your relationship should be fun too! Rediscover what brings you joy–separately, as a couple, and as a family. Create new traditions and memories together. Add easily sustainable new habits to help you reflect on the status of your life and relationships. Tune in to what makes you both feel like you are giving your marriage the attention and care it needs.

What Can I Do to Save My Marriage After an Affair?

There are a number of things you can do for yourself and your marriage by being intentional during this difficult time.

Here are some tips for repairing your marriage after infidelity:

• Practice self-care: Taking care of your physical, mental, and emotional health will help you stay happy and healthy.
• Try therapy: Psychotherapy can help educate and guide you through the difficult emotions and mental toll an affair can take on you and your family.
• Explore new hobbies and activities: Nurturing your marriage may include building a foundation of joyful activities with your spouse, or utilizing resources like podcasts, books, videos, and apps for helpful insight.
• Use mental health apps: There are a number of helpful mental health apps that allow you to focus on areas of your life that are most important to you and your marriage, such as finances, self-worth, mindset, navigating grief, handling panic attacks, etc.

When To Consider Therapy After Infidelity

Marriage counselors receive special training in partnerships, infidelity, and the process of reconciliation. They can facilitate the process of healing and provide mediation for the many issues that face the couple. A therapist can help the couple be “joint script writers, sharing credit for what they produce” within a marriage.⁴ Another option, EMDR Therapy, can be very helpful in addressing intrusive thoughts and images regarding any infidelity.⁵

Additionally, a therapist can help you sort through the emotional fallout after an affair. Discussing factors that contribute to whether or not you choose to separate; the rules of the separation; and the duration of a separation are all preliminary conversations that can illuminate issues and potential decisions while doing the deeper work of contemplating reconciliation. Trust must be rebuilt, attachment wounds repaired, and a new relationship with one another must be “birthed”.

Final Thoughts

Reconciliation after infidelity is possible! When both partners commit to excavating the pain of infidelity and rebuilding a healthy marriage, they can experience a depth of dedication and vitality they hadn’t known before. With the proper attention, reconciliation can be purposeful and create something better than either partner would have ever imagined possible.