When Mother’s Day Is Really, Really Hard

How Many People Are Grieving on Mother’s Day?

If you are struggling this Mother’s Day because of fertility problems, pregnancy loss or miscarriage, death of a child, or estrangement, you are not alone:

• Around 10% of women ages 15 to 44 in the United States struggle with infertility¹
• Approximately 10% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, which is a loss that occurs in the first 20 weeks of pregnancy²
• 1 out of every 100 pregnancies end in stillbirth, which is a pregnancy loss that occurs in the last 20 weeks of pregnancy³
• Each year, approximately 3,500 infants die due to sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS)⁴
• A 2015 survey of college students found that around 17% were estranged from an immediate family member like a parent⁵

When You Wish You Were a Mother

If you are trying to get pregnant and you’re struggling with infertility, Mother’s Day can be especially difficult. It can be painful to see other mothers celebrating this day when it is something that you yearn for. People who do not know about your struggles may ask when you plan on having children. These reminders and questions can hurt and may lead to feelings like anger, jealousy, and resentment.

When You’ve Dealt With a Miscarriage

Coping with a pregnancy loss, like a miscarriage or stillbirth, is devastating. You experienced the joy and excitement of learning you were pregnant, only to have that taken away. Mother’s Day and anniversaries of the loss are often the most painful for women who have had a pregnancy loss, and may trigger depression after a miscarriage. Remember that you are dealing with grief, which is an emotion that never fully goes away. Everyone experiences grief differently, so there is no “right” way to feel after a miscarriage.

When You’ve Lost a Child

Losing a child is considered the most difficult loss to endure. Milestones like your child’s birthday, holidays, and Mother’s Day will never be the same. You may find yourself experiencing a range of emotions, including depression, anger, shock, regret, and guilt. Acknowledging your feelings, finding a special way to remember and honor your child, and staying close to your support system can help you get through these painful milestones.

When You’re Estranged From an Adult Child

Estrangement from a child is a unique type of loss because it means that your child is alive, but you are unable to have a relationship with them. It is important to remember that this is still a loss and feelings of grief are normal. Give yourself permission to have these feelings and treat yourself with the same care that you would if you experienced a different type of loss.

When You’re an Adult Child Estranged From Your Mom

If you are estranged from your own mother on Mother’s Day, this holiday can serve as a reminder of what is missing in your life. It can bring up feelings of sadness, anger, betrayal, and envy of others who do have a connection with their mother. It can help to focus on other maternal figures in your life who have had a positive influence on you or your role as a mother to your own children.

5 Ways to Cope When Mother’s Day Is Painful

Mother’s Day is a difficult holiday for anyone who does not have their own children or mother in their lives. If you have experienced infertility, loss of a pregnancy or child, or estrangement from a child or your own mother, make sure you’re taking steps to care for yourself.

Here are five ways to cope when you’re having a difficult time on Mother’s Day:

1. Give Yourself Permission to Feel Your Emotions

Depending upon your situation, you may find yourself experiencing emotions like sadness, anger, regret, jealousy, or resentment this Mother’s Day. Many people react to their emotions negatively with judgments like, “It’s wrong to feel this way” or, “I shouldn’t feel this way when so many people in the world are suffering.” These judgments will only make you feel worse. Instead, give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up and acknowledge your emotions. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to feel when dealing with infertility, loss, or estrangement.

2. Find a Positive Outlet for Your Feelings

Acknowledging your feelings is the first step in healing, but the next step involves taking action to cope with these emotions. Consider different outlets for your feelings, like exercise, art, music, or journaling. This may be something that you have done in the past or something new. It is important to push yourself to engage in positive activities even when you feel terrible. This is called activity scheduling, which is a highly effective strategy for recovering from negative emotions and mental health concerns like depression.

3. Avoid Social Media & Other Triggers

If you anticipate that Mother’s Day will be difficult, you may want to take a social media break for a few days. It can be painful to see other people sharing positive feelings on this day. Also consider what other people, places, or things may trigger negative emotions and, if possible, stay away from them this holiday.

4. Plan a “Me Day”

In anticipation of Mother’s Day being hard, plan something special for yourself, like a lunch date with your partner or friend, a spa treatment, or a day trip somewhere fun. This can help shift your focus away from the pain of Mother’s Day and make it a celebration of you.

5. Reach Out to Friends, Family, or Loved Ones

Feeling connected to other positive people is one of the most effective ways to deal with negative feelings. If you are struggling this Mother’s Day, keep in touch with other people in your life who either have been through similar struggles or who are empathic to how you are feeling. If you don’t have anyone like that in your life, you can benefit from finding an online or local support group for people dealing with infertility, grief and loss, or estrangement.

When to See a Therapist

For some people, dealing with infertility, grief and loss, or estrangement can lead to depression, anxiety, posttraumatic stress disorder, or other mental health conditions. If you are struggling with your emotions this Mother’s Day, you may benefit from therapy. Therapy may be necessary if your feelings last for at least two weeks or more and are interfering with your ability to function in your life.

You do not have to suffer alone this Mother’s Day. If you find that you are unable to cope on your own, consider reaching out to a therapist for help. Therapy can provide you with a safe space to talk about your feelings and work on healing.

What to Say to a Friend or Loved One Dealing With Difficult Things on Mother’s Day

It can be incredibly difficult to know what to say and how to help a friend who is grieving the loss of a child, trying to get pregnant, or dealing with estrangement. We’ve asked Lena Suarez-Angelino, LCSW, for tips about what to say in each of these circumstances:

Supporting a Mom Whose Child Has Died

Mourning the loss of a child is something that most parents are not prepared for. Whether this loss of child happens as a miscarriage or shortly after giving birth, throughout childhood or adolescence, or well into a child’s adult life, the experience is still difficult to comprehend. Losing a child can feel like the most unnatural and heart wrenching experience, and not one that many endure in their lifetime.

When supporting a mom whose child has died, here are a few things that may be helpful to say:

• “Your child brought so much joy and happiness to this world, and their memory will continue to inspire and touch others.”
  • Reminding a mom how truly special their child is and sharing how they are an inspiration can help bring hope and comfort.
• “I cannot imagine the pain you must be feeling right now, but please know that I am here for you. I am here to listen, to support you, and to help in any way that I can.”
  • You want to avoid saying things such as “I understand what you’re going through” and offer open-ended support as much as possible.
• “Do you want to talk about your child? I’m here to listen.”
  • Offering a listening ear and creating a safe space for the mother to share her feelings and memories of her child can be incredibly comforting.
• “No one prepares you for losing a child. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I’m here to support you anyway that I can.”
  • Normalizing that this type of grief is less common can help your loved one understand that whatever they’re feeling is valid.

Supporting Someone Whose Mom Has Died

Losing your mother can bring up many mixed emotions, such as difficult childhood memories or guilt from a tumultuous adolescence. If the person you are supporting is an adult, losing their mother might have left them feeling lost and questioning how to cope knowing that their mother is no longer a mere phone call away.

At any age, the loss of a mother can throw you for a loop. Here are some things you may want to say in support:

• “I’m available for whatever you need.”
  • Offer to run some errands, cook meals, watch kids, etc. for someone who’s mourning the loss of their mother. While at times, these tasks are welcomed distractions, it can also feel mentally and physically exhausting to continue to have to keep a household running.
• “Your mom is loved by so many people. It was an honor being able to get to know her.”
  • Acknowledging the relationship you had with their mother and how spending time with them made you feel.
• “Losing a parent can be really difficult and there can be a mix of emotions. If there is anything you want to share with me, I’m here to listen.”
  • Normalize that there are multiple emotions that someone can experience when losing their mother. Making yourself available to listen to them and help process their feelings can go a long way.
• “What was one thing that your Mom did that made you smile or feel loved?”
  • Depending on the relationship that this person had with their mother, you may or may not want to ask this question. This question gives the opportunity for the person to reminisce and share a fond memory of their late mother.

Supporting a Friend Who Wants to Be a Mother

Supporting a friend who wants to be a mother, who may or may not be having a hard time getting pregnant or experiences multiple miscarriages, can be challenging. Despite wanting to become a mother, there can be some worry and anxiety that is experienced as well.

Here are a few things you can say when supporting a friend who wants to be a mother:

• “I know how important becoming a mother is to you. What is something you look forward to the most?”
  • Allow your friend to share some of their hopes and dreams when it comes to entering motherhood. This type of support would not be helpful after finding out your friend is having a hard time conceiving or lost their pregnancy.
• “Watching you play with my son, it shows me how loving of a mother you will be someday.”
  • Highlighting the qualities of why someone would be a loving, nurturing, and comforting mother can help them feel confident if they are feeling worried about becoming a mother even if that is something that they want. Again, keep in mind that this would not be appropriate to say in response to someone who found out having biological children is no longer an option for them.
• “It must be so hard to keep having to go to doctor after doctor or jump through all of these hoops. What can I do to support you?”
  • Validate their experience of trying to conceive, or perhaps going through the process of adoption, as it can feel isolating and exhausting. Supporting someone by acknowledging and then asking how they want to be supported gives them the opportunity to share exactly what they need in that moment.
• “I support whatever options you want to consider and learn more about. Would you want me to help you gather some information and help you explore different options?”
  • While you may not be a doctor, offering to gather information and weigh pros and cons of different options with someone who wants to become a mom can help to ease the burden and overwhelm with all of the information that is available. This can help them bring the information to their next appointment with a medical doctor or social worker.

Supporting a Friend Who’s Estranged From Their Mother

Being estranged from your mother can bring a mixed-bag full of emotions, ranging from feeling angry and resentful, to feeling guilty or saddened. For some, being estranged from their mother brings more peace, calm, and happiness, despite previous attempts at maintaining a relationship.

Here are some things that you may consider saying when supporting a friend who’s estranged from their mother:

• “You are entitled to your boundaries, even if that means being estranged from your mother. Know I will respect these boundaries without judgment.”
  • Depending on your upbringings, those that have an estranged relationship from their mother may receive judgmental looks and be pressured to repair a relationship. As a friend, verbalizing your support and refrain from judgment is the most you can do.
• “It’s okay to have mixed feelings about being estranged from your mom. Is there anything you want to talk about?”
  • Letting your friend know that it is okay to have a range of emotions and giving a safe space to process their thoughts and feelings can go a long way.
• “I really admire your ability to prioritize your wellbeing and keeping distance from your mom despite what everyone says you should be doing.”
  • Regardless of whether you would do the same or not, giving your friend the encouragement and support for protecting their own wellbeing is most important.
• “It is common to have relationships fluctuating from being close to being a bit more distant, even those that have become estranged. Do you ever see yourself getting close to your Mom again? What would that look and feel like?”
  • Giving your friend space to explore thoughts and feelings about the potential of rekindling a relationship with their mother can allow opportunity for growth and change without placing pressure or judgment that they should be close to their mother or rekindle their relationship.

Final Thoughts

Dealing with difficult feelings on a holiday like Mother’s Day can be incredibly difficult, but you don’t have to cope with them on your own. Reach out to a loved one and share how you’re feeling, or process your grief with a therapist.