Mother’s Day is not a joyful holiday for everyone. Many people around the world have a hard time on this day, including those affected by infertility, miscarriage, death of a child, or estrangement. You don’t have to go it alone—reaching out to a close friend, or finding a therapist familiar with the concern you’re facing, can make a huge difference in how you feel.
How Many People Are Grieving on Mother’s Day?
If you are struggling this Mother’s Day because of fertility problems, pregnancy loss or miscarriage, death of a child, or estrangement, you are not alone:
- Around 10% of women ages 15 to 44 in the United States struggle with infertility1
- Approximately 10% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, which is a loss that occurs in the first 20 weeks of pregnancy2
- 1 out of every 100 pregnancies end in stillbirth, which is a pregnancy loss that occurs in the last 20 weeks of pregnancy3
- Each year, approximately 3,500 infants die due to sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS)4
- A 2015 survey of college students found that around 17% were estranged from an immediate family member like a parent5
When You Wish You Were a Mother
If you are trying to get pregnant and having a hard time, Mother’s Day can be especially difficult. It can be painful to see other mothers celebrating this day when it is something that you yearn for. People who do not know about your struggles may ask when you plan on having children. These reminders and questions can hurt and may lead to feelings like anger, jealousy, and resentment.
When You’ve Dealt With a Miscarriage
Coping with a pregnancy loss, like a miscarriage or stillbirth, is devastating. You experienced the joy and excitement of learning you were pregnant, only to have that taken away. Mother’s Day and anniversaries of the loss are often the most painful for women who have had a pregnancy loss. Remember that you are dealing with grief, which is an emotion that never fully goes away. Everyone experiences grief differently, so there is no “right” way to feel after a miscarriage.
When You’ve Lost a Child
Losing a child is considered the most difficult loss to endure. Milestones like your child’s birthday, holidays, and Mother’s Day will never be the same. You may find yourself experiencing a range of emotions, including depression, anger, shock, regret, and guilt. Acknowledging your feelings, finding a special way to remember and honor your child, and staying close to your support system can help you get through these painful milestones.
When You’re Estranged From an Adult Child
Estrangement from a child is a unique type of loss because it means that your child is alive, but you are unable to have a relationship with them. It is important to remember that this is still a loss and feelings of grief are normal. Give yourself permission to have these feelings and treat yourself with the same care that you would if you experienced a different type of loss.
When You’re an Adult Child Estranged From Your Mom
If you are estranged from your own mother on Mother’s Day, this holiday can serve as a reminder of what is missing in your life. It can bring up feelings of sadness, anger, betrayal, and envy of others who do have a connection with their mother. It can help to focus on other maternal figures in your life who have had a positive influence on you or your role as a mother to your own children.
5 Ways to Cope When Mother’s Day Sucks
Mother’s Day is a difficult holiday for anyone that does not have their own children or mother in their lives. If you have experienced infertility, loss of a pregnancy or child, or estrangement from a child or your own mother, make sure you’re taking steps to care for yourself.
Here are five ways to cope when you’re having a difficult time on Mother’s Day:
1. Give Yourself Permission to Feel Your Emotions
Depending upon your situation, you may find yourself experiencing emotions like sadness, anger, regret, jealousy, or resentment this Mother’s Day. Many people react to their emotions negatively with judgments like “it’s wrong to feel this way” or “I shouldn’t feel this way when so many people in the world are suffering.” These judgments will only make you feel worse. Instead, give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up and acknowledge your emotions. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to feel when dealing with infertility, loss, or estrangement.
2. Find a Positive Outlet for Your Feelings
Acknowledging your feelings is the first step in healing, but the next step involves taking action to cope with these emotions. Consider different outlets for your feelings, like exercise, art, music, or journaling. This may be something that you have done in the past or something new. It is important to push yourself to engage in positive activities even when you feel terrible. This is called behavioral activation, which is a highly effective strategy for recovering from negative emotions and mental health concerns like depression.
3. Avoid Social Media or Other Triggers
If you anticipate that Mother’s Day will be difficult, you may want to stay off social media for a few days. It can be painful to see other people sharing positive feelings on this day. Also consider what other people, places, or things may trigger negative emotions and, if possible, stay away from them this holiday.
4. Plan a “Me Day”
In anticipation of Mother’s Day being hard, plan something special for yourself, like a lunch date with your partner or friend, a spa treatment, or a day trip somewhere fun. This can help shift your focus away from the pain of Mother’s Day and make it a celebration of you.
5. Reach Out to Friends, Family, or Loved Ones
Feeling connected to other positive people is one of the most effective ways to deal with negative feelings. If you are struggling this Mother’s Day, keep in touch with other people in your life who either have been through similar struggles or who are empathic to how you are feeling. If you don’t have anyone like that in your life, you can benefit from finding an online or local support group for people dealing with infertility, grief and loss, or estrangement.
When to See a Therapist
For some people, dealing with infertility, grief and loss, or estrangement can lead to depression, anxiety, posttraumatic stress disorder, or other mental health conditions. If you are struggling with your emotions this Mother’s Day, you may benefit from therapy. Therapy may be necessary if your feelings last for at least two weeks or more and are interfering with your ability to function in your life.
You do not have to suffer alone this Mother’s Day. If you find that you are unable to cope on your own, consider reaching out to a therapist for help. Therapy can provide you with a safe space to talk about your feelings and work on healing.
For Further Reading
When Mother’s Day Is Really, Really Hard Infographics
