Can a Narcissist Love?

Can Narcissists Love Other People?

Narcissists have feelings. While a narcissist can technically love, their relationships are typically incredibly superficial and viewed simply as “transactional.” Healthy relationships require give-and-take and compromise. Unfortunately, narcissists are unable to put the happiness of anyone else ahead of their own. Nor can they offer unconditional love to another due to their obsession with status and achievement.

One of the narcissistic traits that makes it so hard for narcissists to love another is their lack of empathy. They do not have the emotional capacity to acknowledge or respond to another’s feelings. Narcissists value people as tools rather than souls, as they view the world through a lens clouded by self-interest.

Relationships are considered nothing more than transactional arrangements, and narcissists always want the best end of the deal. When the benefits of the arrangement have been exhausted, the narcissist discards the other and moves on to their next source of narcissistic supply.

What Does a Narcissist Think Love Is?

Because narcissists can only focus on themselves and their own needs, this impacts what they believe love is. Narcissists often view love and admiration in a relationship as something owed to them. In turn, they appear entitled and create an entirely one-sided relationship.

Narcissists usually assume that love will include a constant stream of attention and affection from a partner. They expect to get their way and their partner to change if or when they become dissatisfied. A narcissist in “love” will see their partner as a means to meet their narcissistic appetite for praise, all without reciprocation.

Can a Narcissist Be Happy in a Relationship?

A narcissist in a relationship will not only expect their partner to “complete” them but also continuously build up and sustain their ego. The transactional nature of their narcissistic relationship patterns means that any gift given, whether tangible or intangible, will require some repayment from the recipient.

So long as their partners give them what they want in terms of admiration, attention, obedience, and adulation, a relationship with a narcissist may feel normal and “happy.” However, the honeymoon stage lasts only as long as the narcissist’s partner is willing to play the game or continues to serve as a means to enhance status and privilege.

How to Tell If a Narcissist Loves You

While you may feel like a narcissist loves you at the start of a relationship, this “love” is often just a form of infatuation. Narcissists will initially love-bomb romantic interests to get them to engage. This also creates an ideal image and standard of the narcissist for the partner to keep seeking. While narcissists are capable of love, pretending to have feelings for others is usually short-lived and superficial.

Below are some signs that a narcissistic person may love you:

• They work to show you respect: This could be by honoring your boundaries and listening to your requests, which is a conscientious effort for a narcissist.
• They will listen to your feelings: Narcissists do not naturally have empathy. If they are making an effort to hear your emotions, they are working to build a love connection with you.
• They (sometimes) take responsibility for actions: Taking responsibility is another incredibly difficult thing for a narcissist to do. If they own up to their mistakes, they are trying to win you over.
• They show appreciation for your actions: Narcissists tend to direct attention and admiration toward themselves. Allowing space for you to be appreciated is a major act of love from a narcissist.
• They listen to and meet your needs: Putting oneself and one’s needs first is a core part of narcissistic personality disorder. Making room for your wants in a relationship is a sign that they are shifting aside natural tendencies for you.

What to Do If You Love a Narcissist

It can feel overwhelming to realize you are in love with a narcissist. It is often only after you have been a victim of narcissistic rage or subjected to the cycle of narcissistic abuse that your partner’s true nature is revealed. It is generally better to avoid getting in too deep with a narcissist as they are rarely capable of falling in “love” permanently or changing for love. Still, it is never too late to seek help managing, navigating, or breaking up with a narcissist.

Below are some tips if you love or are in a relationship with a narcissist:

• Learn more about narcissism: The more you understand how a narcissist acts in a relationship, the more prepared you are to deal with their behaviors.
• Work on building your self-esteem: When you model respect for yourself, you show others how to treat you. This is especially important when loving a narcissist.
• Set healthy boundaries: This goes hand-in-hand with self-esteem. Developing healthy boundaries establishes what you’re willing to tolerate in a relationship with a narcissist.
• Find your voice: Speaking up for yourself builds your confidence and reminds others that you are worthy of being heard.
• Take time for yourself: Being in a primary narcissistic relationship warrants scheduling respite care for yourself. This way, you can get a break from the heavy emotional toll of the relationship.
• Know when to leave: While it can be difficult to end a relationship with a narcissist, preparing yourself for breaking up with a narcissist can help you overcome this difficult transition.

When to Seek Professional Help

Spending time with a narcissistic partner can be corrosive to your self-confidence, emotionally draining, and relationally isolating. If your self-esteem or overall functioning has plummeted, it may be time to seek professional support.

While it is possible that narcissists can change, this change must be on their terms and on their own timeline. Regardless of how strong your relationship with a narcissist is or how long you’ve been together, working with a professional can provide the perspective and reminders you need to pursue what is in your best interest. You can start your search for the right therapist with an online therapist directory or use an online therapy platform.