Can a Narcissist Love?

What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

The symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) include low self-esteem, lack of empathy, and an inability to acknowledge another person’s needs at any significant depth. These characteristics prevent the formation of authentic intimate relationships.

Signs of NPD can appear early in life, and if these tendencies are left unchecked, symptoms can grow increasingly severe throughout adolescence and into adulthood. While everyone needs a bit of healthy narcissism to maintain a strong sense of self-esteem and self-confidence, narcissism exists on the opposite end of the scale.

Symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder include:

• Grandiosity: This is the narcissist’s belief that they and their accomplishments are “bigger than life.” They truly believe that their contributions and presence are essential to the happiness, success, or equilibrium of others.
• Lack of empathy: A narcissist cannot understand how other people are feeling. This speaks to their lack of emotional awareness or depth. It is not always that narcissists don’t “care” about another’s feelings, but they are unaware that others even have feelings.
• Obsessive need for admiration: A narcissist can never receive enough praise from others. They have no shame in demanding admiration and expecting recognition for their efforts.

Can Narcissists Love?

Narcissists have feelings. While a narcissist can technically love, their relationships are typically incredibly superficial and viewed simply as “transactional.” Healthy relationships require give-and-take and compromise. Unfortunately, narcissists are unable to put the happiness of anyone else ahead of their own. Nor can they offer unconditional love to another due to their obsession with status and achievement.

One of the narcissistic traits that makes it so hard for narcissists to love another is their lack of empathy. They do not have the emotional capacity to acknowledge or respond to another’s feelings. Narcissists value people as tools rather than souls, as they view the world through a lens clouded by self-interest.

Relationships are considered nothing more than transactional arrangements, and narcissists always want the best end of the deal. When the benefits of the arrangement have been exhausted, the narcissist easily casts off the other and moves on to their next source of narcissistic supply.

What Does a Narcissist Think Love Is?

Because narcissists can only focus on themselves and their own needs, this impacts what they believe love is. Narcissists often view love and admiration in a relationship as something owed to them. In turn, they appear entitled and create an entirely one-sided relationship.

Narcissists usually assume that love will include a constant stream of attention and affection from a partner. They expect to get their way and their partner to change if or when they become dissatisfied. A narcissist in “love” will see their partner as a means to meet their narcissistic appetite for praise, all without reciprocation.

Can a Narcissist Be Happy in a Relationship?

A narcissist in a relationship will not only expect their partner to “complete” them but also continuously build up and sustain their ego. The transactional nature of their narcissistic relationship patterns means that any gift given, whether tangible or intangible, will require some repayment from the recipient.

So long as their partners give them what they want in terms of admiration, attention, obedience, and adulation, a relationship with a narcissist may feel normal and “happy.” However, the honeymoon stage lasts only as long as the narcissist’s partner is willing to play the game or continues to serve as a means to enhance status and privilege.

How to Tell If a Narcissist Loves You

While you may feel like a narcissist loves you at the start of a relationship, this “love” is often just a form of infatuation. Narcissists will initially love-bomb romantic interests to get them to engage. This also creates an ideal image and standard of the narcissist for the partner to keep seeking. While narcissists are capable of love, pretending to have feelings for others is usually short-lived and superficial.

Below are some signs that a narcissistic person may love you:

• They work to show you respect: This could be by honoring your boundaries and listening to your requests, which is a conscientious effort for a narcissist.
• They will listen to your feelings: Narcissists do not naturally have empathy. If they are making an effort to hear your emotions, they are working to build a love connection with you.
• They (sometimes) take responsibility for actions: Taking responsibility is another incredibly difficult thing for a narcissist to do. If they own up to their mistakes, they are trying to win you over.
• They show appreciation for your actions: Narcissists tend to direct attention and admiration toward themselves. Allowing space for you to be appreciated is a major act of love from a narcissist.
• They listen to and meet your needs: Putting oneself and one’s needs first is a core part of narcissistic personality disorder. Making room for your wants in a relationship is a sign that they are shifting aside natural tendencies for you.

Can a Narcissist Fall in Love?

While narcissists can and do fall in love, their romantic connections tend to border on fixations and obsessions. Narcissists like the idea of love and long-term partnerships because of the potential constant fill of their narcissistic supply. However, their lack of empathy and ability to focus on anyone but themselves make it impossible to build the healthy relational dynamics required for real love.

Narcissists typically become infatuated with a particular person if they can be of benefit in some way. Narcissists need to establish themselves as superior to everyone. Thus, having a “happy” relationship or marriage lets them feel more accomplished than single individuals. Moreover, having an impressive spouse with many accomplishments can feed their ego even more. While this appreciation can appear genuine to the person, this display of admiration does not constitute love.

Narcissistic Traits Vs. NPD

There is a healthy level of narcissism that everyone needs to maintain their sense of self, ego strength, and self-confidence.² Almost everyone exhibits some traits of narcissism, but not to the extent that would be considered diagnosable NPD. These traits must be disrupting a person’s life to such a great extent that normal routines and relationships are impossible before they are considered a true narcissist.

Below are the differences between narcissistic traits and clinical narcissism:

Dating Someone With Narcissistic Traits Vs. NPD

Dating a true narcissist means narcissistic characteristics show up consistently and in every one of their relationships. Those who are in a relationship with a narcissist will eventually experience the self-absorption, judgment, criticism, drive for control, and manipulation that come with narcissism.

Additionally, a narcissist may only showcase their negative traits with certain people or in certain situations. For example, if a healthy partner’s behavior is pointed out, they can take accountability and alter their actions in the future. However, a partner with narcissistic personality disorder will become irate, defensive, and angry.

What to Do If You Love a Narcissist

It can feel overwhelming to realize you are in love with a narcissist. It is often only after you have been a victim of narcissistic rage or subjected to the cycle of narcissistic abuse that your partner’s true nature is revealed. It is generally better to avoid getting in too deep with a narcissist as they are rarely capable of falling in “love” permanently or changing for love. Still, it is never too late to seek help managing, navigating, or exiting a relationship with a narcissist.

Below are some tips if you love or are in a relationship with a narcissist:

• Learn more about narcissism: The more you understand how a narcissist acts in a relationship, the more prepared you are to deal with their behaviors.
• Work on building your self-esteem: When you model respect for yourself, you show others how to treat you. This is especially important when loving a narcissist.
• Set healthy boundaries: This goes hand-in-hand with self-esteem. Developing healthy boundaries establishes what you’re willing to tolerate in a relationship with a narcissist.
• Find your voice: Speaking up for yourself builds your confidence and reminds others that you are worthy of being heard.
• Take time for yourself: Being in a primary narcissistic relationship warrants scheduling respite care for yourself. This way, you can get a break from the heavy emotional toll of the relationship.
• Know when to leave: While it can be difficult to end a relationship with a narcissist, preparing yourself for breaking up with a narcissist can help you overcome this difficult transition.

When to Seek Professional Help

Spending time with a narcissistic partner can be corrosive to your self-confidence, emotionally draining, and relationally isolating. If your self-esteem or overall functioning has plummeted, it may be time to seek professional support. While narcissists can change, this change must be on their terms and on their own timeline. Regardless of how strong your relationship with a narcissist is or how long you’ve been together, working with a professional can provide the perspective and reminders you need to pursue what is in your best interest. You can start your search for the right therapist with an online therapist directory.