An overbearing mother-in-law is someone who is highly critical, self-righteous, and demanding. She will make every effort to ensure that she remains the center of attention, even if you’ve attempted to set healthy boundaries to avoid conflict. Dealing with her behavior can be difficult, but by maintaining your self-worth, a strong relationship with your partner, and patience, you can find ways to overcome increasing frustration.
What Is an Overbearing Mother-in-Law?
An overbearing mother-in-law is someone who craves control and dominance. She often makes every situation about herself—she’ll make sure you know exactly what she wants and how she wants it done. Meeting her expectations is challenging (and oftentimes impossible), as she may believe that no one can do things correctly except her. An overbearing mother-in-law may also try to dominate their own child’s life by pushing their partner “out of the way.”
Why Are Some Mothers-in-Law Overbearing?
While your mother-in-law may seem unreasonable, there are several possible explanations for her obsessive behaviors. For example, she may have been raised in a chaotic or traumatic environment, both of which can lead someone to adopt a controlling nature, perhaps sometimes because her own partner is overly controlling or domineering of her.1 Your mother-in-law may also be experiencing narcissism, or an inflated sense of self and need for constant admiration. These may simply be qualities she embodies, or characteristic indicators of a more pervasive pattern, such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).2 Alternatively, she may possess an authoritative or authoritarian parenting style, which can manifest within her expectations and criticisms of how you raise your children.
Signs of an Overbearing Mother-in-Law
You may notice that your mother-in-law purposefully ignores the boundaries you’ve set in your home or constantly overstays her welcome. She openly shares her judgments and opinions often, despite resistance from you and your family. If your mother-in-law pressures you to do everything her way, claims “she knows best,” or berates you on the regular, her behaviors could all be indicators of an autocratic personality.
Here are seven signs of an overbearing mother-in-law:
1. She’s Always Around
An overbearing mother-in-law may show up unannounced or invite herself to gatherings and activities. She may do this as a way to fuel opportunities to criticize and assert superiority. This is often done under the guise of her “caring about your family.”
2. She Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries
Not only will she show up unannounced, an overbearing mother-in-law may completely disregard your verbal cues that it’s time for her to leave. She may do this by outright denying your request or more subtly, in a way that makes you feel bad or guilty. She may do things that she doesn’t have the authority to do, such as snooping in your email, serving dinner before you are ready, or inviting guests to your home as if it is hers.
3. She’s Judgmental
An overbearing mother-in-law will judge your every move and take every opportunity to criticize you. Behaviors as simple as an eye roll or deep sigh can be taken as signs of her disapproval. Commenting on the state of your house – “this place is a mess” – or your work schedule –“I don’t think it’s a good idea to work when you have children” – is another way a mother-in-law can degrade and demean you.
4. She Insists That She’s Always Right
Someone who is domineering tends to have an inflated sense of confidence and may articulate this by adopting a “my way or the highway” attitude. A mother-in-law with this mentality will insist that she is always right and that you should follow her advice without question.
5. She Pressures You to Do What She Wants
You might find that your overbearing mother-in-law regularly uses the word “should” when offering suggestions. This could be one of the more unnoticeable ways that she asserts her power and pressures you to perform or act a certain way.
6. “I Do This Because I Care”
To justify her domineering and arrogant behavior, a mother-in-law may explain that she acts in this way because she cares about you and your family.
7. She Needs to Be the Center of Attention
An overbearing mother-in-law may try to steal center stage whenever possible. She may also strive to be the “favorite” family member for your children, so her presence in your home is constantly desired. In conversation, she might disregard topics that aren’t about her and steer the conversation back to herself.
Effects of an Overbearing Mother-in-Law
Interacting with an overbearing mother-in-law can be exhausting, stressful, and irritating. Her presence may contribute to relationship difficulties with your spouse or children, and may even result in a decreased self-worth. You may begin to fulfill her extreme expectations or pursue absolute isolation in order to appease her.
Effects of having an overbearing mother-in-law include:
1. Perfectionism
Being constantly criticized by an overbearing mother-in-law can lead to the development of perfectionistic tendencies. Unfortunately, your mother-in-law likely won’t acknowledge your efforts, even if you have met any expectations she previously set.
2. Low Self-Esteem
Constant criticism can easily result in a decrease of self-esteem and an increase in self-judgment. You may truly start to question your abilities as a person, partner, or parent and lose confidence in your abilities. Sometimes, low self-esteem is characteristic of depression and may induce feelings of hopelessness or a reduced interest in previously loved hobbies.
3. Relationship Issues
Having a domineering mother-in-law can also affect your relationship with your partner. For instance, your partner may not share the same views of their mother as you do, resulting in tension. They may feel that you’re being too hard on their mother and adamantly ignore or defend her behaviors. Alternatively, your partner may believe that their mother’s opinions are correct. This can result in mutual resentment and the invalidation of your experiences.
4. Anxiety
The stress of interacting with an overbearing mother-in-law, your lowered self-esteem, and relationship difficulties can all contribute to the onset of anxiety. You may begin to experience difficulty concentrating, restlessness, irritability, and trouble sleeping.
5. Your Children Notice Conflict
If you have children, they can start picking up on the issues between you and your mother-in-law. This may greatly influence the stability of their relationship with both you and their grandmother. For example, if your kids idolize your in-law, they may begin to see you as the bad guy, or vise-versa.
6. Isolation
Sometimes, isolation is preferable to interactions with an overbearing mother-in-law. As a result of her blatant mistreatment of you, you may begin to avoid interactions with her at any cost. Unfortunately, isolating yourself may further complicate your relationship with your partner, alienate you from other family members and worsen symptoms of depression.
9 Tips for How to Deal With an Overbearing Mother-in-Law
Dealing with an overbearing mother-in-law may seem daunting, but there are healthy ways to do so. Setting boundaries is key. Be clear with her about when she is and isn’t welcome, and whether her feedback is needed or not. Additionally, there are also personal strategies you can use to help yourself cope with her presence. Finding empathy, maintaining self-respect, and practicing acceptance are all ways you can learn to manage the effects of having an overbearing mother-in-law.
Here are nine practical tips for dealing with an overbearing mother-in-law:
1. Set Boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries with an overbearing mother-in-law can help you regain a sense of control over your situation. State clearly what your expectations are of her, such as when it’s acceptable for her to visit. It can be helpful to explain how your boundaries were made with everyone’s best interest in mind, especially your in-law’s. This could be done by letting her know that scheduled visits allow you to dedicate more time to her. Appeal to her innate desire to be the center of attention.
2. Consider the Reasons Behind Her Behavior
Understanding the reasoning behind your mother-in-law’s behavior is one way that you can empathize with her. While you may not want to do so, accepting that your mother-in-law is only human can help you better handle her dramatic and controlling nature. Remind yourself that she too experiences unpleasant days and may be dealing with her own issues. This will in turn teach you how to reinforce your own self-confidence, as you can now recognize your mother-in-law’s criticisms as possible projections of her own problems and not a reflection on your or your competence.
3. Avoid Her When Possible
When possible and practical, it may be helpful to avoid your mother-in-law. If she shows up to your home unannounced, consider excusing yourself to run errands or attend activities. Creating distance helps reduce the amount of time spent together.
4. Maintain Your Self-Respect
It might be tempting to reciprocate the mistreatment from your in-law. However, it’s healthy to practice behaviors that maintain your level of self-respect. Make note of the actions you want to avoid, such as insulting, snapping at, or arguing with her. Avoid talking negatively about her to your children, too. Also, try making a plan for yourself when the urge to be cruel hits. For example, take a deep breath and reevaluate the situation.
5. Practice Acceptance
While you may prefer that your mother-in-law change her behaviors, this is not always the reality of every situation. Practicing acceptance of her mannerisms may seem counterintuitive, but can be beneficial in a self-coping process. Keep in mind that acceptance isn’t approval. You’re not giving in to her criticisms, rather you’re making an effort to let go of grudges and resentment.
One way to practice acceptance is to alter your body postures to reflect a more understanding attitude. If you notice certain behaviors whenever interacting with your mother-in-law–such as clenching your jaw, crossing your arms, or balling your fists–try to remind yourself to un-tense your body. 3 Or, generate a mantra that allows you to revisit and revise negative thoughts you may have about your mother-in-law. Finally, consider replacing the word “should” in your vocabulary with phrases of wish or desire. Rather than expressing dissatisfaction with your in-law by saying she shouldn’t be doing something, rephrase your sentence by explaining you wish she wouldn’t do something.
6. Stop Trying to Meet Her Expectations
You’ve likely already tried to put effort into meeting your mother-in-law’s expectations. Instead of doing this, focus on what you need and want in your life. Pay attention to when you’re going above and beyond to meet her demands. Do what you know will be best for your family in the long run.
7. Communicate With Your Partner
Having open and honest communication with your partner is particularly helpful when dealing with an overbearing mother-in-law. Make sure that you have both discussed your boundaries when addressing the problems with your in-law. Maybe your partner is uncomfortable with you using certain language when speaking about his mother. Or, you may be upset with your partner’s behaviors that remind you of your in-law. Articulate exactly what each of you need in order to feel supported by the other. It may be tempting to take your emotions out on your partner, but make sure you aren’t displacing your feelings.
8. Learn Ways to Predict Her Behaviors
Learning and predicting your mother-in-law’s patterns can help you regain a sense of control in an otherwise powerless situation. Identify your in-law’s triggers and the ways you can appease her wishes. Being hypervigilant can help you have a better understanding of what to expect from your mother-in-law. It may also be helpful to avoid speaking to her alone. Mothers-in-law are often on their guard around other people, so letting her know that she is on speaker phone when she calls might encourage her to be on her best behavior.
9. Reinforce Progress
You may not be able to change your mother-in-law’s behavior. Sometimes, the best you can do to help alleviate tension is reinforce any signs of progress on her behalf. Try thanking your in-law any time she is helpful in any way, or when you recognize that she has specifically avoided criticizing you. Over time, encouraging positive behaviors is one of the most effective ways you can increase the likelihood of the continuation of such behaviors.4
When & How a Therapist Can Help
If coping on your own with your overbearing mother-in-law is overwhelming or interfering with your relationships, it may be time to seek the support of a professional. If you find yourself panicking at the very thought of contact with your in-law, it can be helpful to explore underlying issues in therapy. You can do so alone or in couple’s therapy with your spouse.
When looking for a therapist, consider working with a provider who has a strong understanding of extended family dynamics. It may be helpful as well to find one who specializes in narcissism. Using an online therapist directory can help simplify the process.
Final Thoughts
Having an overbearing mother-in-law can be challenging for a number of reasons. However, there are ways to interact with her in wholesome ways. Coping with her criticisms effectively can allow you to ensure that her presence is not detrimental to both you and your family’s mental health.
Overbearing Mother in Law Infographics
