• Mental Health
    • Anxiety
      • What is Anxiety?
      • Types of Anxiety Disorders
      • Signs & Symptoms of Anxiety
      • Treatments for Anxiety
      • Anxiety Statistics
      • See More Anxiety Content
      • Find an Anxiety Specialist
    • Depression
      • What is Depression?
      • Types of Depression
      • Signs & Symptoms of Depression
      • Treatments for Depression
      • Depression Statistics
      • Find a Depression Specialist
    • Bipolar Disorder
      • What is Bipolar Disorder?
      • Bipolar I vs. Bipolar II
      • Signs & Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder
      • Bipolar Disorder Cycles
      • Treatments for Bipolar Disorder
      • Find a Bipolar Disorder Specialist
    • ADHD
      • What is ADHD?
      • ADHD Signs & Symptoms
      • ADHD & Depression
      • Find an ADHD Specialist
    • Addiction
      • What is Addiction?
      • What Are Behavioral Addictions?
      • Addiction vs Dependence
      • Addiction Myths vs Facts
      • Addiction Statistics
      • How to Help a Friend
      • Find an Addiction Specialist
    • Eating Disorders
      • Anorexia
      • Bulimia
    • Personality Disorders
      • Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder
        • OCD vs. OCPD
    • Trauma
      • Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
        • PTSD & COVID-19
      • Childhood Trauma
    • Sexual Disorders
      • Gender Dysphoria
      • Anorgasmia
      • Female Sexual Arousal Disorder (FSAD)
      • Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD)
      • Premature Ejaculation (PE)
      • Delayed Ejaculation
    • Schizophrenia
  • Therapy Techniques
    • Psychotherapy
    • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
      • CBT for Anxiety
      • CBT for Social Anxiety
      • CBT for Panic Disorder
      • CBT for Insomnia
      • CBT Online
    • Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
      • DBT for Teens
    • Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
    • Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
      • EMDR for PTSD
      • EMDR for Anxiety
      • EMDR Online
    • Art Therapy
    • Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA)
    • Exposure and Response Prevention
    • Group Therapy
    • Hypnotherapy
    • Motivational Interviewing
    • Person Centered Therapy
    • Online Therapy
    • Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy
    • Sex Therapy
  • Types of Therapists
    • Faith-Based & Christian Counselors
    • Life Coaching
    • Family Therapist
      • Child & Teen Counseling
    • Marriage & Couples Counselors
      • Premarital Counseling
    • Psychiatrist
      • Psychology vs. Psychiatry
    • Psychotherapist
    • Online Therapists
    • Grief Counselors
  • Starting Therapy FAQ
    • Does Therapy Work?
      • How to Find a Therapist
      • Helping a Friend or Loved One
    • How to Choose a Therapist
      • Finding a Black Therapist
      • Finding a Latinx Therapist
      • Finding an LGBTQ-Friendly Therapist
      • Finding a Therapist as a Young Adult
      • Finding an Online Therapist
    • Preparing for Your First Session
    • Types of Mental Health Professionals
    • Mental Health Insurance
      • HSAs for Therapy
      • Sliding Scale Therapy Fees
    • Mental Health in the Workplace
      • Asking for a Mental Health Day
      • Taking Time Off for Mental Health
    • Top Mental Health Organizations
      • Mental Health Resources Outside the U.S.
  • About Us
    • About Us
    • Editorial Policy
    • Advertising Policy
    • Privacy Policy
    • Contact Us
    • Write for Us
    • Join the Directory
    • Careers
  • Therapist Directory
    • Find a Therapist
    • Join the Directory
    • Directory Login
  • Mental Health
    • Anxiety
      • What is Anxiety?
      • Types of Anxiety Disorders
      • Signs & Symptoms of Anxiety
      • Treatments for Anxiety
      • Anxiety Statistics
      • See More Anxiety Content
      • Find an Anxiety Specialist
    • Depression
      • What is Depression?
      • Types of Depression
      • Signs & Symptoms of Depression
      • Treatments for Depression
      • Depression Statistics
      • Find a Depression Specialist
    • Bipolar Disorder
      • What is Bipolar Disorder?
      • Bipolar I vs. Bipolar II
      • Signs & Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder
      • Bipolar Disorder Cycles
      • Treatments for Bipolar Disorder
      • Find a Bipolar Disorder Specialist
    • ADHD
      • What is ADHD?
      • ADHD Signs & Symptoms
      • ADHD & Depression
      • Find an ADHD Specialist
    • Addiction
      • What is Addiction?
      • What Are Behavioral Addictions?
      • Addiction vs Dependence
      • Addiction Myths vs Facts
      • Addiction Statistics
      • How to Help a Friend
      • Find an Addiction Specialist
    • Eating Disorders
      • Anorexia
      • Bulimia
    • Personality Disorders
      • Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder
        • OCD vs. OCPD
    • Trauma
      • Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
        • PTSD & COVID-19
      • Childhood Trauma
    • Sexual Disorders
      • Gender Dysphoria
      • Anorgasmia
      • Female Sexual Arousal Disorder (FSAD)
      • Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD)
      • Premature Ejaculation (PE)
      • Delayed Ejaculation
    • Schizophrenia
  • Therapy Techniques
    • Psychotherapy
    • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
      • CBT for Anxiety
      • CBT for Social Anxiety
      • CBT for Panic Disorder
      • CBT for Insomnia
      • CBT Online
    • Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
      • DBT for Teens
    • Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
    • Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
      • EMDR for PTSD
      • EMDR for Anxiety
      • EMDR Online
    • Art Therapy
    • Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA)
    • Exposure and Response Prevention
    • Group Therapy
    • Hypnotherapy
    • Motivational Interviewing
    • Person Centered Therapy
    • Online Therapy
    • Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy
    • Sex Therapy
  • Types of Therapists
    • Faith-Based & Christian Counselors
    • Life Coaching
    • Family Therapist
      • Child & Teen Counseling
    • Marriage & Couples Counselors
      • Premarital Counseling
    • Psychiatrist
      • Psychology vs. Psychiatry
    • Psychotherapist
    • Online Therapists
    • Grief Counselors
  • Starting Therapy FAQ
    • Does Therapy Work?
      • How to Find a Therapist
      • Helping a Friend or Loved One
    • How to Choose a Therapist
      • Finding a Black Therapist
      • Finding a Latinx Therapist
      • Finding an LGBTQ-Friendly Therapist
      • Finding a Therapist as a Young Adult
      • Finding an Online Therapist
    • Preparing for Your First Session
    • Types of Mental Health Professionals
    • Mental Health Insurance
      • HSAs for Therapy
      • Sliding Scale Therapy Fees
    • Mental Health in the Workplace
      • Asking for a Mental Health Day
      • Taking Time Off for Mental Health
    • Top Mental Health Organizations
      • Mental Health Resources Outside the U.S.
  • About Us
    • About Us
    • Editorial Policy
    • Advertising Policy
    • Privacy Policy
    • Contact Us
    • Write for Us
    • Join the Directory
    • Careers
  • Therapist Directory
    • Find a Therapist
    • Join the Directory
    • Directory Login
Skip to content

Am I A Bad Parent? Challenging Parental Guilt

Published: April 30, 2021 Updated: June 29, 2022
Published: 04/30/2021 Updated: 06/29/2022
Headshot of Edelys Mariel Diaz, LMFT
Written by:

Edelys Mariel Diaz

LMFT
Headshot of Trishanna Sookdeo, MD, MPH, FAAFP
Reviewed by:

Trishanna Sookdeo

MD, MPH, FAAFP
  • Being a Parent Is Really HardParenting Is Hard
  • If You Feel Like a Bad Parent, You Are Not Alone You're Not Alone
  • Why Parental Guilt Isn’t Making You a Better ParentGuilt Isn't Helping
  • Seven Ways to Challenge Parental Guilt 7 Tips
  • How Therapy Can Help With Parental Guilt (& Other Parenting Skills) Therapy
  • Final Thoughts on Dealing with Parental Guilt Conclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
Headshot of Edelys Mariel Diaz, LMFT
Written by:

Edelys Mariel Diaz

LMFT
Headshot of Trishanna Sookdeo, MD, MPH, FAAFP
Reviewed by:

Trishanna Sookdeo

MD, MPH, FAAFP

Being a parent is one of the most difficult, yet rewarding, roles any human being can embrace. As a parent, you learn how dependent children are on their caregiver. When faced with challenges, you question if you are doing a good enough job because you don’t want to be a failure and become a disappointment to your child. This is where feelings of stress, fear, and guilt arise.

Parental guilt is normal, but when you allow those guilty feelings overrule your thoughts and decisions it becomes unhealthy. Boundaries start to become inflexible, rules are altered and broken, discipline turns inconsistent, and your authority as a parent weakens. If you’re feeling this way, it’s ok. No one was taught how to become the perfect parent. You are here to learn how to challenge those feelings and learn how to improve your parenting skills guilt-free.

BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by BetterHelp

Visit BetterHelp

Being a Parent Is Really Hard

Let’s be real, being a parent is really difficult! There is no special training, no book, no schooling that prepares you to be a parent. This means that everyone’s parenting styles are different. Your parenting style is influenced by your upbringing, and everyone’s upbringing is unique. You absorbed your parents’ best and worst habits and behaviors, and so you may apply them with your children.

According to Murray Bowen, a pioneer of family therapy, parents transmit their anxiety, relationship difficulties, and emotional concerns to their children which can contribute to the development of emotional issues and other concerns.1 You may find yourself constantly battling between what you know (upbringing) and what you think would be the best for your child—questioning your choices and abilities as a parent. You start to feel like a bad parent as if you are not doing good enough, and guilt arises.

Being a parent never ends. It does not matter what stage of life your child is in, you as a parent will always want what’s best for your children. So yes, parenting is really hard and it’s ok for you to admit that.

If You Feel Like a Bad Parent, You Are Not Alone 

Are you the parent that questions if you’re doing good enough? Have you ever felt guilty for your child’s behavior? Have you ever felt guilty for punishing your child? Have you ever let things slide to not hurt your child, knowing it was wrong, and still feel guilty about it? You are not alone! So many parents struggle with these mind battles questioning if they are making the right decisions for their children (especially if they’re being guilt-tripped by someone about their parenting).

I see this in my practice all the time—I’ve had so many parents talk to me about feeling unsuccessful because of their child’s behavior. I’ve had many parents talk to me about their fears of not doing a good enough job. I’ve had parents talk to me about not feeling confident in their decisions when it comes to their children. It’s a common topic of conversation when working with children and families.

Your fears and guilty feelings come from a place of love. You love your child so much you fear not being the perfect parent for them. Parental guilt is normal, but the way you react to those feelings is what truly sets the tone. Here is where parents need to be careful. Many times, parents get caught up in their own feelings and lose focus in their ability to parent in a healthy manner.

Why Parental Guilt Isn’t Making You a Better Parent

Your upbringing influences the type of parent you become—you learn from your parents’ mistakes and virtues and apply them with your children. In this same manner, your children will learn from your parenting style. Your children will also absorb your mistakes and virtues and apply them to their day-to-day life, as well as with their children when they become parents. What you want your child to become, you must become that first. You lead by example to your children.

It’s important to be aware of your thoughts and emotions and how you communicate that to your children, both verbally and non-verbally. It’s easy to fall into feelings of parental guilt for obvious reasons: you love your child too much and don’t want to cause them any harm. Some parents are capable of separating their feelings from their parenting abilities, but when you communicate those feelings to your children with your actions, it is showcased through boundaries, rules, and discipline. Salvador Minuchin,2 the founder of structural family therapy, believed that families must operate with appropriate boundaries in order to maintain healthy relationships.

Parental guilt can cause you to be too extreme with your measures when communicating and educating your child, causing them more harm than good. Being too strict or rigid leads to rebellious and anxious children; having little to no discipline leads to children not respecting boundaries. Being overly involved, wanting to do too much leads to a dependent child. Showing little to no affection leads to children having low self-esteem and a lack of confidence.

Seven Ways to Challenge Parental Guilt 

There are many different ways parents can challenge their guilty feelings, gain confidence, and become a more efficient parent.

Here are seven tips that can help alleviate the parental guilt you may be experiencing:

1. Turn Off the Noise in Your Head

Stop that thought! You are a good parent to your child. Every time you find yourself having self-doubting thoughts, practice positive self-talk and say out loud how you are a good enough parent, and how great of a parent you are to your children. Focusing on the present moment can help with this practice.

2. Consistency Is Key

Establish clear rules and boundaries and maintain consistency. Children are really good at testing your limits and they study your patterns and use them to their advantage. As Minuchin described, most childhood problems are not within the child, but the family unit. Therefore, to change a child’s behavior, the family dynamics must change.2 Be firm with your rules and be consistent regardless of if your child tries to convince you to think otherwise.

3. Find Your Balance

Evaluate if you are being too extreme with your measures. Know when to be strict versus when to be more flexible, know when to be involved and when it’s necessary for you to step back a little. Having a balance will allow you to have better discipline with your children and more healthy boundaries. According to Minuchin, the goal is for families to create clear boundaries between family members. The clearer the boundaries, the more high-functioning the family will become.3

4. Apologize to Your Child

Yes, it’s ok to apologize to your child for a mistake you made, especially if you are feeling guilty about it. No one is perfect. Just as you would like for your child to apologize to you, you should also do the same. Remember, you lead by example.

5. Take Time for Yourself

Just because parenting is a full-time job, that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to dedicate some time for yourself. Taking time for yourself and disconnecting from your parenting responsibilities for a moment is so refreshing. It will help you ease the stress of being a mom or dad, gain confidence, and improve your mood.

6. Don’t Be Afraid to Talk to Someone 

You are not alone! Don’t feel ashamed to reach out to your friends, family, partner, or any other person that’s a support to you when you feel overwhelmed—you could even find a parenting support group. The simple act of saying things out loud is very cathartic and helps alleviate tension and stress.

7. Seek Out Therapy

It’s possible your parental guilt stems from unresolved childhood issues. Seeing a therapist will help you process those past issues, learn better parenting skills, and become a more confident and efficient parent.

How Therapy Can Help With Parental Guilt (& Other Parenting Skills) 

Therapy can definitely help challenge your parental guilt. It is a safe place in which you can openly express your thoughts and feelings to a therapist and be heard and understood, and not judged. In therapy, you can process any unresolved childhood issues that are affecting the way you think of yourself as a parent. Therapy can help you learn new ways to cope with parental guilt and become a more confident parent.

Therapy can also help you learn new parenting skills that can be better for yourself and your children, as well as help you set better boundaries with your children. Therapy can also teach you healthier ways of communicating with your child.

Finding a Therapist

Finding a therapist can feel daunting, but learning all you need to know about choosing a therapist can be a great place to start your journey. You can also use a directory of mental health professionals to find someone in your area who specializes in parenting concerns. Asking your doctor for a referral is also another way of accessing a therapist, as well as asking your friends and family if they recommend anyone.

Final Thoughts on Dealing with Parental Guilt 

Mom guilt or dad guilt does not make you a bad parent. You took on a life-changing, never-ending journey with so much love and are willing to sacrifice and go through suffering for your child’s happiness. That’s something only a good parent can offer. Talking to a therapist or reaching out to a trusted friend or family member can make a difference in how you feel.

Remember to turn off the noise that circles your head and get in the habit of positive self-talk. Establish healthy rules and boundaries, be consistent, and find ways to strike a balance. Don’t forget to schedule time for yourself and practice self-care to help ease with your stress. You can overcome your guilt feelings and regain confidence and parent from a healthier place.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for referrals by the companies mentioned below.

BetterHelp (Online Therapy & Parent Coaching) – BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy and parent coaching. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started

Headspace (Mindful Parenting) – Mindfulness and meditation can change your life. In a few minutes a day with Headspace, you can start developing mindfulness and meditation skills. Free Trial

Choosing Therapy’s Directory (Family Counseling) – Find an experienced therapist trained in family counseling. You can search for a therapist by specialty, availability, insurance, and affordability. Therapist profiles and introductory videos provide insight into the therapist’s personality so you find the right fit. Find a therapist today.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by BetterHelp and Headspace.

For Further Reading

  • Best Books for Parents
  • Books to Help You Practice Self-Love
  • Mental Health America
  • National Alliance on Mental Health
3 sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • Family Systems Therapy. (January 2018). Good Therapy. Retrieved from: https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/family-systems-therapy

  • FAMILY OF ORIGIN EXPLORATION FOR THE THERAPIST: FAMILY RULES AND STRUCTURE (January 2017). Family Therapy Basics. Retrieved from:  https://familytherapybasics.com/blog/2017/1/31/family-of-origin-exploration-for-the-therapist-family-rules-and-structure

  • Healthy Boundaries. (ND). Life Enhancement Counseling Services. Retrieved from: https://lifeenhancementcs.com/relationships/healthy-boundaries/

Recent Articles

large-FT Why Does My Mom Hate Me
Why Does My Mom Hate Me? Why You May Feel This Way & What to DoThe mother-child relationship is one of the most important relationships many people will have in their lives. However, it more
';
What Is Enmeshment Trauma
What Is Enmeshment Trauma?Enmeshment trauma is a type of childhood emotional trauma that involves a disregard for personal boundaries and loss of more
';
Tips_on_How_to_Stop_Yelling_at_Your_Kids
How to Stop Yelling at Your KidsYelling at your kids can have long term impacts on their overall health and development. When this form of more
';
FT_Dysfunctional_Family
Dysfunctional Family: Signs, Causes, & How to CopeA dysfunctional family is one that has problematic interactions that the family is attempting to ignore or mask. Each more
';
How to Stop Enabling Your Grown Child
How to Stop Enabling Your Grown ChildBreaking the cycle of enabling involves encouraging or allowing an adult child to meet their own needs. In order more
';
Snowplow_Parenting
Snowplow Parenting: What It Is, Impacts, & How to Avoid ItSnowplow parenting is when a parent actively removes any and all obstacles from their children’s path before their child more
';
Headshot of Edelys Mariel Diaz, LMFT
Written by:

Edelys Mariel Diaz

LMFT
Headshot of Trishanna Sookdeo, MD, MPH, FAAFP
Reviewed by:

Trishanna Sookdeo

MD, MPH, FAAFP
  • Being a Parent Is Really HardParenting Is Hard
  • If You Feel Like a Bad Parent, You Are Not Alone You're Not Alone
  • Why Parental Guilt Isn’t Making You a Better ParentGuilt Isn't Helping
  • Seven Ways to Challenge Parental Guilt 7 Tips
  • How Therapy Can Help With Parental Guilt (& Other Parenting Skills) Therapy
  • Final Thoughts on Dealing with Parental Guilt Conclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
If you are in need of immediate medical help:
Medical
Emergency
911
Suicide Hotline
800-273-8255
See more Crisis Hotlines
  • About Us
  • Contact Us
  • Write for Us
  • Careers
  • Editorial Policy
  • Advertising Policy
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of Service
  • No Surprises Act
For immediate help call:
Medical Emergency:
911
Suicide Hotline:
800-273-8255
See more Crisis Hotlines
Crisis Hotlines here
For immediate help call:
Medical Emergency:
911
Suicide Hotline:
800-273-8255
See more Crisis Hotlines
here
logo
This site complies with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health information:
verify here.
This website is certified by Health On the Net Foundation. Click to verify.
Choosing Therapy Logo
We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. By clicking “Accept”, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. However, you may visit Cookie Settings to provide controlled consent. Cookie settings ACCEPT
Privacy & Cookies Policy

Privacy Overview

We use cookies to facilitate website functionality. Also, we use third-party cookies to track your website behavior and target advertising. These cookies are stored in your browser only with your consent, and you have the choice of opting out.
Necessary
Always Enabled

Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.

Non Necessary

Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.

Save & Accept