Being a parent is one of the most difficult, yet rewarding, roles any human being can embrace. As a parent, you learn how dependent children are on their caregiver. When faced with challenges, you question if you are doing a good enough job because you don’t want to be a failure and become a disappointment to your child. This is where feelings of stress, fear, and guilt arise.
Parental guilt is normal, but when you allow those guilty feelings overrule your thoughts and decisions it becomes unhealthy. Boundaries start to become inflexible, rules are altered and broken, discipline turns inconsistent, and your authority as a parent weakens. If you’re feeling this way, it’s ok. No one was taught how to become the perfect parent. You are here to learn how to challenge those feelings and learn how to improve your parenting skills guilt-free.
Being a Parent Is Really Hard
Let’s be real, being a parent is really difficult! There is no special training, no book, no schooling that prepares you to be a parent. This means that everyone’s parenting styles are different. Your parenting style is influenced by your upbringing, and everyone’s upbringing is unique. You absorbed your parents’ best and worst habits and behaviors, and so you may apply them with your children.
According to Murray Bowen, a pioneer of family therapy, parents transmit their anxiety, relationship difficulties, and emotional concerns to their children which can contribute to the development of emotional issues and other concerns.1 You may find yourself constantly battling between what you know (upbringing) and what you think would be the best for your child—questioning your choices and abilities as a parent. You start to feel like a bad parent as if you are not doing good enough, and guilt arises.
Being a parent never ends. It does not matter what stage of life your child is in, you as a parent will always want what’s best for your children. So yes, parenting is really hard and it’s ok for you to admit that.
If You Feel Like a Bad Parent, You Are Not Alone
Are you the parent that questions if you’re doing good enough? Have you ever felt guilty for your child’s behavior? Have you ever felt guilty for punishing your child? Have you ever let things slide to not hurt your child, knowing it was wrong, and still feel guilty about it? You are not alone! So many parents struggle with these mind battles questioning if they are making the right decisions for their children (especially if they’re being guilt-tripped by someone about their parenting).
I see this in my practice all the time—I’ve had so many parents talk to me about feeling unsuccessful because of their child’s behavior. I’ve had many parents talk to me about their fears of not doing a good enough job. I’ve had parents talk to me about not feeling confident in their decisions when it comes to their children. It’s a common topic of conversation when working with children and families.
Your fears and guilty feelings come from a place of love. You love your child so much you fear not being the perfect parent for them. Parental guilt is normal, but the way you react to those feelings is what truly sets the tone. Here is where parents need to be careful. Many times, parents get caught up in their own feelings and lose focus in their ability to parent in a healthy manner.
Why Parental Guilt Isn’t Making You a Better Parent
Your upbringing influences the type of parent you become—you learn from your parents’ mistakes and virtues and apply them with your children. In this same manner, your children will learn from your parenting style. Your children will also absorb your mistakes and virtues and apply them to their day-to-day life, as well as with their children when they become parents. What you want your child to become, you must become that first. You lead by example to your children.
It’s important to be aware of your thoughts and emotions and how you communicate that to your children, both verbally and non-verbally. It’s easy to fall into feelings of parental guilt for obvious reasons: you love your child too much and don’t want to cause them any harm. Some parents are capable of separating their feelings from their parenting abilities, but when you communicate those feelings to your children with your actions, it is showcased through boundaries, rules, and discipline. Salvador Minuchin,2 the founder of structural family therapy, believed that families must operate with appropriate boundaries in order to maintain healthy relationships.
Parental guilt can cause you to be too extreme with your measures when communicating and educating your child, causing them more harm than good. Being too strict or rigid leads to rebellious and anxious children; having little to no discipline leads to children not respecting boundaries. Being overly involved, wanting to do too much leads to a dependent child. Showing little to no affection leads to children having low self-esteem and a lack of confidence.
Seven Ways to Challenge Parental Guilt
There are many different ways parents can challenge their guilty feelings, gain confidence, and become a more efficient parent.
Here are seven tips that can help alleviate the parental guilt you may be experiencing:
1. Turn Off the Noise in Your Head
Stop that thought! You are a good parent to your child. Every time you find yourself having self-doubting thoughts, practice positive self-talk and say out loud how you are a good enough parent, and how great of a parent you are to your children. Focusing on the present moment can help with this practice.
2. Consistency Is Key
Establish clear rules and boundaries and maintain consistency. Children are really good at testing your limits and they study your patterns and use them to their advantage. As Minuchin described, most childhood problems are not within the child, but the family unit. Therefore, to change a child’s behavior, the family dynamics must change.2 Be firm with your rules and be consistent regardless of if your child tries to convince you to think otherwise.
3. Find Your Balance
Evaluate if you are being too extreme with your measures. Know when to be strict versus when to be more flexible, know when to be involved and when it’s necessary for you to step back a little. Having a balance will allow you to have better discipline with your children and more healthy boundaries. According to Minuchin, the goal is for families to create clear boundaries between family members. The clearer the boundaries, the more high-functioning the family will become.3
4. Apologize to Your Child
Yes, it’s ok to apologize to your child for a mistake you made, especially if you are feeling guilty about it. No one is perfect. Just as you would like for your child to apologize to you, you should also do the same. Remember, you lead by example.
5. Take Time for Yourself
Just because parenting is a full-time job, that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to dedicate some time for yourself. Taking time for yourself and disconnecting from your parenting responsibilities for a moment is so refreshing. It will help you ease the stress of being a mom or dad, gain confidence, and improve your mood.
6. Don’t Be Afraid to Talk to Someone
You are not alone! Don’t feel ashamed to reach out to your friends, family, partner, or any other person that’s a support to you when you feel overwhelmed—you could even find a parenting support group. The simple act of saying things out loud is very cathartic and helps alleviate tension and stress.
7. Seek Out Therapy
It’s possible your parental guilt stems from unresolved childhood issues. Seeing a therapist will help you process those past issues, learn better parenting skills, and become a more confident and efficient parent.
How Therapy Can Help With Parental Guilt (& Other Parenting Skills)
Therapy can definitely help challenge your parental guilt. It is a safe place in which you can openly express your thoughts and feelings to a therapist and be heard and understood, and not judged. In therapy, you can process any unresolved childhood issues that are affecting the way you think of yourself as a parent. Therapy can help you learn new ways to cope with parental guilt and become a more confident parent.
Therapy can also help you learn new parenting skills that can be better for yourself and your children, as well as help you set better boundaries with your children. Therapy can also teach you healthier ways of communicating with your child.
Finding a Therapist
Finding a therapist can feel daunting, but learning all you need to know about choosing a therapist can be a great place to start your journey. You can also use a directory of mental health professionals to find someone in your area who specializes in parenting concerns. Asking your doctor for a referral is also another way of accessing a therapist, as well as asking your friends and family if they recommend anyone.
Final Thoughts on Dealing with Parental Guilt
Mom guilt or dad guilt does not make you a bad parent. You took on a life-changing, never-ending journey with so much love and are willing to sacrifice and go through suffering for your child’s happiness. That’s something only a good parent can offer. Talking to a therapist or reaching out to a trusted friend or family member can make a difference in how you feel.
Remember to turn off the noise that circles your head and get in the habit of positive self-talk. Establish healthy rules and boundaries, be consistent, and find ways to strike a balance. Don’t forget to schedule time for yourself and practice self-care to help ease with your stress. You can overcome your guilt feelings and regain confidence and parent from a healthier place.
