Peaceful parenting encourages parents to build strong, trusting relationships with their children by offering respect, empathy, and healthy communication. Typically, these parents avoid punishments and rewards for behaviors to instill responsibility and independence. The premise behind parenting peacefully is to create a secure and nurturing environment where children can learn, grow, and develop.
Are you obsessively asking yourself “Am I a good parent?”
Most parents occasionally ask themselves the question. However, if you are constantly worried about being a good parent and cannot control your fears, you might have OCD. Learn More
This article goes in-depth, but I’ve summarized some of my thoughts on peaceful parenting here:
What Is Peaceful Parenting?
Peaceful parenting emphasizes emotional connection, understanding, and cooperation between parents and children rather than punishment and control. This parenting style involves teaching children how to make good decisions and be responsible for their own behavior, as parents feel their children should become independent and learn from their mistakes. In some ways, peaceful parenting is similar to authoritative parenting.
Child psychologist Dr. Haim Ginott first introduced peaceful parenting philosophies in the 1950s, and Dr. Thomas Gordon further developed the concept. However, the term ‘peaceful parenting’ was not coined until 2012 by Dr. Laura Markham in her book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids.1
When peaceful parenting, caregivers strive to create a strong bond with their children by fostering trust and mutual respect. Parents devote more attention to listening and understanding the needs of their children instead of focusing on discipline. This can lead to better communication and a deeper parent-child connection. Ideally, parents can help their children grow in identity, become successful, and develop into happy adults.
The main elements of peaceful parenting include:
Parental Emotional Regulation
Mindfulness is at the heart of peaceful parenting. This practice focuses on remaining present in the moment and dealing with stressors as they arise. Utilizing this technique allows a parent to better regulate their emotions by calming their mind and body. As parents, it can be difficult to remain collected and grounded when faced with challenging behavior.
Practicing emotional regulation by recognizing and managing emotions helps parents stay calm when interacting with their children. Furthermore, modeling mindfulness and self-control helps children learn to regulate their own feelings and develop positive coping strategies. Mindful parent-child communication can reduce stress and anxiety in children and improve parenting satisfaction.2
Parent-Child Connection
Peaceful parenting provides children with the love and security they need to thrive, and research suggests that a loving parental relationship is one of the strongest predictors of future success.3 A recent study found that youth from high-stress families with strong parent-child bonds were seven to 33 times more likely to report positive developmental outcomes than those from families with weaker parental bonds.4
Peaceful parents also use attachment parenting techniques, which can enhance their ability to respond to their children.5 Children are more likely to explore and take risks when they feel secure and safe, which is crucial for their development. Peaceful parents are encouraged to continue forming close bonds with children as they age and mature. This is essential for healthy communication and sets the stage for an ongoing successful relationship. A healthy parental relationship also helps build a child’s self-esteem and self-worth.
Parent-Child Collaboration
Parents play an essential role in providing children guidance and support, helping them develop social skills, and building self-confidence. Parenting experts encourage parents to view their relationship with their children as a collaboration.6 Peaceful parents discuss decisions and goals with their children to create an environment of mutual respect and understanding. This collaboration can help children and parents understand expectations and feel more connected. Healthy parent-child communication further builds trust, which may mean children are more likely to respond positively to parental rules and boundaries.
Collaboration can also help children feel more comfortable expressing their feelings and opinions. For example, children may feel more comfortable discussing academic performance and mental well-being with open, understanding, and peaceful parents. When children are involved in decision-making and goal-setting, a perk is they learn how to think critically and communicate effectively.
Help For Parents
Neuropsychological Testing For Children (including evaluations for Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD and Learning Disorders) Get answers in weeks, not months. Bend Health provides a complete report with in-depth findings, reviews with your schools, and a clinical diagnosis (if applicable). Learn more
Online Therapy & Coaching (ages 1 -17) Bend Health is a virtual mental healthcare provider caring for kids, teens, and their families. Many insurance plans are accepted. Learn More
Cooper – Expert Parenting Support Live, Weekly Parent Coaching – Immediate solutions to your most pressing challenges & Small Monthly Group Sessions with like-minded parents. Our experts have 10 years of experience in child development and are parents themselves! Sign up now to get 2 Months Free!
Benefits of Peaceful Parenting
Peaceful parenting is effective and can benefit both parents and children in the short and long term. Building a strong relationship, fostering problem-solving skills, and teaching children respect can create a calmer and more harmonious home environment while helping children develop a greater sense of self-worth.
Possible benefits of peaceful parenting include:
- Increased happiness: Children are often happier and better adjusted when their parents choose a peaceful parenting style.
- Less familial dysfunction: How you parent can affect your child’s mental health. Peaceful parenting focuses on communication, connection, and collaboration, thereby decreasing dysfunction in the relationship.
- Healthier attachment styles: Peaceful parenting can foster healthier attachment styles in children, and studies show that secure attachments lead to the healthiest relationships.
- A more harmonious home environment: Children feel more comfortable in a calm, harmonious home. This can influence stress levels and anxiety for kids and parents alike.
- Promotes better communication: Better communication allows for a deeper understanding of one another. Teaching children how to express themselves and make decisions can help them develop a greater sense of self-esteem and confidence.
- Teaches children to be respectful:
Peaceful parenting can help children learn to express their needs and wants in a positive way. It also teaches them to respect the feelings and opinions of others.
Drawbacks of Peaceful Parenting
Like any parenting technique, there may be potential drawbacks to peaceful parenting down the line. Adopting a specific parenting style is personal and should be based on family values, beliefs, and lifestyles. Individual family dynamics can make choosing a peaceful parenting style challenging, especially when there is disagreement about how to parent. Disagreements and confusion may arise when couples differ in their parenting approach.
Possible drawbacks of peaceful parenting include:
- Lack of structure: Without punishments or rewards, it can be difficult to establish clear expectations and limits. This can lead to inconsistent discipline and little understanding of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors.
- Increased sense of entitlement: Children may feel entitled if they know they will not be disciplined for their actions. They may expect to be given what they want without following rules and limits.
- It can be time-consuming: Peaceful parenting involves a lot of patience and understanding. It takes time to listen to children and respond with empathy, respect, and compassion.
- Lack of immediate consequences: Peaceful parents do not typically provide immediate discipline, and children may abuse this leniency. Children may therefore believe they can engage in negative behavior without any repercussions.
- Some may feel it is too permissive: Peaceful parenting can resemble permissive parenting. Parents are very responsive to the emotional needs of their children but are inconsistent in enforcing boundaries.
- Can lead to resistance: Peaceful parenting can lead to children becoming resistant to discipline. Children may not take their parents seriously when parents try to set limits or establish rules.
Is Peaceful Parenting Effective?
Studies have found that children raised by peaceful parenting techniques are more likely to have higher self-esteem, better emotional regulation, and improved problem-solving skills as they age. Additionally, peaceful parenting can help reduce the amount of conflict in the home because it encourages parents to talk through disagreements and work together. Peaceful parenting can be a very effective way to raise children who are confident, self-sufficient, and responsible.
Are you obsessively asking yourself “Am I a good parent?”
Most parents occasionally ask themselves the question. However, if you are constantly worried about being a good parent and cannot control your fears, you might have OCD. Learn More
Examples of Peaceful Parenting
Peaceful parenting techniques depend on various childhood factors, such as age, maturity level, and developmental phase. Remember to account for these differences when approaching conflict or poor behavior in your home.
Examples of peaceful parenting may include:
Toddlers:
- Acknowledge their feelings: When toddlers have temper tantrums, parents should try to understand the underlying cause. Is it because the toddler is hungry, tired, or feeling overwhelmed? If so, parents can offer comfort and reassurance rather than punishment or scolding.
- Teach new skills: Peaceful parents can offer gentle reminders or positive reinforcement when toddlers make mistakes.
- Provide firm expectations: Toddlers should understand there are consequences for inappropriate behavior. For example, this may include limited time to play with friends if they cannot calm down.
- React with compassion: In times of stress, remember that toddlers do not have the same capacity for understanding as older children.
Children/School-Aged Kids:
- Take a step back: Take a short ‘time out’ when stressed out. Kids can pick up on your stress which can negatively impact them. You can even determine a signal for your children that you need a short break.
- Let them problem-solve: Do not rush to solve your problems for your child. Instead, let them creatively problem-solve. Teach them to identify the problem, brainstorm potential solutions, choose one resolution, and see what happens.
- Offer choices: Giving children options can help them become more responsible and independent. When appropriate, you could offer choices for different types of activities or clothing to wear. Your child may feel more in control and can make their own decisions.
- Set clear boundaries:
Children need clear boundaries to feel safe and secure. Explain your boundaries and the consequences for not following them.
Teenagers:
- Pay attention to their emotions: Teens experience many emotional ups and downs. Talk with your teen or reach out for professional help if their behavior or emotions negatively shift.
- Listen to and relate with them: Be open and honest with your teen and listen to what they say. Understanding their needs and concerns allows you to be more patient and to compromise when needed.
- Provide unconditional love: Let your teen know you are there for them. Essentially, you offer unconditional love even if you disagree with their decisions.
- Model appropriate behavior: As a parent, it is important to practice what you preach. Your teen will learn from your example. Use respectful language, manage your emotions, and model empathy and understanding.
8 Tips for Practicing Peaceful Parenting
You may wonder how you can use peaceful parenting techniques to help your child develop into a respectful and responsible adult. The key is to teach your child positive behavior without resorting to negative reinforcement. This means reinforcing positive behaviors with praise rather than using punishment or threats.
Additionally, allow your child to make mistakes and learn from them. This means providing guidance and consequences that help children avoid repeatedly making the same poor choices. For example, rather than yelling at a child for spilling their drink, you can calmly explain why they should be careful and help them clean it up.
Here are eight tips for practicing peaceful parenting:
1. Stay Calm
Start by creating a calm and supportive environment if you want to adopt peaceful parenting techniques. Staying regulated is essential for parents, especially in times of high stress. This means maintaining consistent boundaries and encouraging your child to express their feelings or opinion without fear of punishment. It is also important to promote open communication between you and your child, listen to their thoughts and feelings, and allow them to express their opinion.
2. Start With Yourself
Remember to focus on your own needs while juggling those of your children, too. Taking the time to engage in self-care to de-stress and rewind helps you be at your best for your children. It also provides children with a healthy model of self-regulation and support.
3. Know How to Handle Dangerous Situations
It can be tempting to react with anger and fear in a dangerous situation, but this can worsen the problem. Instead, remain calm and assess the situation. Is this a circumstance your child can handle on their own? Do they require your assistance? If your child can handle it, provide guidance and support without taking control. It is necessary to intervene if the circumstance is serious or your child is in danger.
4. Work Together
The best way to work together with your child is to find ways to collaborate. This means developing mutual respect and understanding the importance of compromise. Be sure to maintain control and authority while listening to their viewpoint and wants. This peaceful parenting approach shows your child you are open to hearing what they say and willing to work together to find solutions.
5. Plan for Negative Behaviors
Negative behaviors happen with children. Tantrums are a part of normal child development, especially with toddlers. During the teenage years, expect teenage angst as children move beyond innocent childhood and start testing limits and boundaries. Respectfully communicate with your children. Rather than resorting to yelling or punishment, talk to your child calmly so they feel heard and taken seriously.
Discipline is not about punishing your child for making mistakes but teaching them how to make better choices. Encourage your child to take responsibility for their actions and help them understand the consequences of their choices. Also, be consistent with your expectations and provide clear, fair consequences when your children do not follow the rules.
6. Model Healthy Behaviors
Parents play a vital role in the development of their children, both in providing guidance and setting an example of positive behaviors. As a peaceful parent, it is important to model positive behaviorforor your children to develop healthy habits themselves. This may look like getting enough sleep, eating a balanced diet, exercising regularly, and managing stress.
7. Make Listening a Priority
Make listening a priority as you model peaceful parenting behaviors, as listening is a skill that must be taught. Parents can demonstrate the importance of this to children by actively listening to them when they are speaking and refraining from interrupting or dismissing their feelings. This will help your child develop healthy communication skills and show them that their opinions matter. Show your child you are listening by making eye contact, responding to their ideas and questions, and asking follow-up questions.
8. Practice Patience
Show your child what it means to be patient. Your child will be frustrated, upset, or angry at times. In these moments, practice mindfulness to remain calm and not let anger take over. Let your child know it is okay to feel overwhelmed, but they should not let their emotions take over.
Your child can suffer from YOUR mental health issues!
When you get treatment, you are helping your children. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $65 per week. Take a Free Online Assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you.
Is Peaceful Parenting Right for My Family?
While peaceful parenting may not be a good fit for everyone, parents can incorporate elements into their approach if they find it useful. Consider your parenting goals when deciding if peaceful parenting is best for your family. It takes time to develop a connection with your child. Therefore, with peaceful parenting, parents must be willing to reflect on their own behavior and control their emotions. First, make sure your child is ready for this kind of approach. With some patience, understanding, and communication, peaceful parenting can be a great way to foster a positive relationship with your child.
It is important to remember that you might occasionally fall short of your own parenting expectations. But if you believe in a peaceful parenting style, you can continue to look forward to using this method–nobody is perfect 100% of the time.
When to Seek Support
Therapy can provide parents with a safe and non-judgmental space to share their challenges and find strategies to help make the parenting journey easier. If parents are hesitant about their parenting techniques, they can find the right therapist to help them through these issues. Many online therapy options are available for families who lead busier lifestyles.
Therapy options for parents may include:
- Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT focuses on identifying and changing negative thinking patterns and behaviors. Parents can learn to manage emotions, communicate effectively with their children, and develop problem-solving skills.
- Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT): MBCT helps parents become more aware of their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. This type of therapy can provide parents with the skills they need to manage their emotions and stay present in the moment.
- Narrative therapy: Narrative therapy encourages parents to create positive stories about themselves and their families. This helps parents identify their strengths and celebrate their successes as a family.
- Family therapy: Family therapy focuses on strengthening the relationships within the family. This can be beneficial for parents who are struggling to communicate with their children. Parents can learn how to develop better communication skills, create healthier boundaries within the family, and resolve conflicts more effectively.
Final Thoughts
Peaceful parenting is an effective way to raise children, and it aims to create a strong bond between parents and children by fostering a sense of trust and mutual respect. Essentially, peaceful parenting is a great way to nurture children into healthy and happy adults. Keep in mind that parenting is not the same for everyone, so families should find tactics that are most suitable for them.
Additional Resources
To help our readers take the next step in their mental health journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy is compensated for marketing by the companies included below.
Neurological Testing
Neuropsychological Testing For Children (including evaluations for Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD and Learning Disorders). Get answers in weeks, not months. Bend Health provides a complete report with in-depth findings, reviews with your school, and a clinical diagnosis (if applicable). Learn More
Online Therapy & Coaching (ages 1 -17)
Bend Health – is a virtual mental healthcare provider caring for kids, teens, and their families. Many insurance plans are accepted. Learn More
OCD and Children
NOCD – What are the signs of OCD in children? OCD involves unwanted intrusive thoughts, images, or urges (obsessions) that create anxiety, which the child attempts to relieve by performing rituals (compulsions). These rituals can be overt and noticeable (e.g. handwashing, counting, avoiding objects, rearranging materials, etc.) or can be less noticeable or mental (e.g. silently analyzing, reiterating phrases, counting, etc.). To find out if your child has OCD and treatment options, schedule a free 15 minute call with NOCD.
Online Therapy (For Parents)
BetterHelp – Get support and guidance from a licensed therapist. BetterHelp has over 20,000 therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started
Parenting Support
Cooper – Live, Weekly Parent Coaching – Immediate solutions to your most pressing challenges & Small Monthly Group Sessions with like-minded parents. Our experts have 10 years of experience in child development and are parents themselves! Sign up now to get 2 Months Free!
How to Find & Choose the Right Therapist for Your Child
Discovering and selecting the right therapist for your child often comes down to two things: research and persistence. Be willing to put in the time and effort to call around to different therapists or therapy organizations in your area. Read through therapist profiles to see if their style, approach, and expertise resonate with you and your child.
Depression in Children: Signs, Symptoms, & Treatments
If you or someone you know is concerned about symptoms related to depression, seeking professional help from a mental health provider is highly recommended. Licensed professional counselors, social workers, psychologists, or psychiatric medication prescribers are able to determine whether a person is experiencing depression and the best methods of treatment.