Toxic shame, also referred to as unhealthy shame, can feel like a reflection of your core identity. It makes you question your worth and identity, and in the long term, it can increase your likelihood of developing depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues. Fortunately, treatment can help you reframe the negative emotions associated with toxic shame.
What Is Toxic Shame?
Toxic shame is a negative self-evaluation that may stem from messages received in childhood. As the result of consistent negative feedback from parents, teachers, or other adults, kids can start to believe that their worth is dependent on external variables. As such, they question their value and turn to maladaptive coping behaviors to deal with internalized shame.
Adolescents with toxic shame often struggle to build social relationships. They also experience feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, making them prone to depression and self-harm. As young adults, they may search for validation, making them more likely to enter into toxic relationships.1
How Does Toxic Shame Differ From “Normal” Shame?
Toxic shame, unlike ordinary shame, is chronic. That means it’s ongoing, persistent, and lives deep within our unconscious minds. We may not even be fully aware of what we’re experiencing. Ordinary shame isn’t pleasant by any means, but it’s generally felt in response to some wrong-doing or perceived wrong-doing. Plus, it subsides in time.
The following characteristics also differentiate toxic shame from typical shame:2
- It makes you question your worth or causes you to feel worthless
- It makes acknowledging your emotions uncomfortable (because you’re conditioned to believe your emotions are shameful)
- It causes depression and anxiety
- It causes you to frame things as “I am a bad person” instead of “I did a bad thing”
- It causes a negative inner monologue
- It causes avoidance of further shame
- It causes constant negative self-talk
Shame vs Guilt: What’s the Difference?
Shame and guilt are different. Shame is often an all-encompassing negative feeling about a person’s worth, leading to self-loathing and withdrawal, while guilt typically refers to a feeling of remorse for specific actions.
“I compare the difference between shame and guilt along the lines of how I talk to clients about the differences between a complaint and a criticism. Complaints can be productive and lead to positive change without putting the relationship in jeopardy (i.e. ‘It really bothers me when you leave your dirty dishes on the table’) versus a criticism, which insults a person’s character and can have very damaging effects on a relationship (‘You are so lazy and only care about yourself’).
Similarly, a person can feel guilty for an action such as lying, even if there was positive intention behind the lie, whereas shame is all consuming and more of a way of ‘being’ rather than a short-term feeling.” – Nicole Kleiman-Reck, MA, LMHC
What Causes Toxic Shame?
There are many potential causes of toxic shame, most of which are rooted in childhood experiences, such as different forms of abuse, neglect, trauma, or an unstable living environment.
Here is a comprehensive list of causes of toxic shame:3
- Verbal, physical, and emotional abuse or neglect
- Caregivers with mental health issues
- Being in an environment where any kind of domestic abuse is occurring
- Traumatic experiences
- Inconsistencies with discipline
- Emotionally unavailable caregivers
- Mental health issues such as depression or anxiety
- Being bullied or rejected
- Being a victim of gaslighting
- Narcissistic abuse
Why Is Toxic Shame Dangerous to Mental Health?
When there is an imbalance between shame and other emotions, shame can become internalized and lead you to react with anger. If these feelings become the norm, resorting to your angry automatic response may become habitual as well.
Some people may resort to using other maladaptive coping mechanisms such as alcohol, drugs, self-harm, eating disorders, or engaging in risky behavior to deflect or avoid the feelings of shame.
Toxic shame is also linked with low self-esteem and self-worth. Shame can be isolating, and when we don’t have a support system to keep our inner monologue in check, it can lead to intense feelings of anxiety, traumatic responses, depression, and mood swings.4
What to Do When You Feel Overwhelmed by Toxic Shame
There is no one-size-fits-all solution to toxic shame, but there are some ways to cope and deal with its associated emotions, including therapy, meditation, journaling, creativity, and reading.
Here are five helpful ways to deal with toxic shame:
- Talk to a therapist: Getting objective feedback and guidance from a professional is helpful in addressing any emotional distress you may be facing. It may be the exact thing you need to help you change your inner critic’s voice.5
- Meditation: Meditating can help you process emotions differently and react in a way that benefits your own personal cause. This can also help you be more mindful and remember to speak to yourself with kindness.6
- Journaling: Writing things down gets them out of your head. Seeing or even hearing the words can help you realize how you feel. It can also help you identify negative thought patterns and explore where they come from and why.
- Creative arts therapies: Channeling emotions into art can be rewarding. It helps us see through a different lens, cultivate self-love, and face inner adversity.7
- Reading books on the topic: Other people’s stories validate our own story and give us something to relate to. They also give us hope for something better for our futures, and give us the push or sign we may need to finally address these harmful emotions.
When to Find Professional Help for Healing Toxic Shame
It’s always better to find help for toxic shame before it becomes too overwhelming. As emotions related to toxic shame become greater, they can hinder your ability and drive to find help, even if you are open to the idea. Due to the complex nature of shame and how it impacts and triggers other mental health issues, find help at the first sign of struggle and get support right away.5 If you start thinking, “Do I need therapy?” it’s probably time to start seeing a therapist.
How to Find a Therapist
One great way to find a therapist for toxic shame is by searching an online therapist directory. Reading reviews and looking at clinician bios to understand their scope of practice can give you an idea of whether their experience suits your situation. Many therapists offer a free phone consultation and online therapy, both of which allow people an opportunity to get help during the pandemic.
Another way to locate a therapist is by referral, which can come from a trusted loved one or a physician. Healthcare providers often have access to a network of other providers who can be helpful. Going through your physician is a great way to keep them in the loop about any treatment options.
Final Thoughts
Toxic shame is a painful experience, but it’s possible to manage its symptoms and even recover fully. In addition to receiving professional mental health, you may also want to do some of your own research about the condition, its symptoms, causes, and potential treatment options.
For Further Reading
Toxic Shame Infographics
