Toxic Shame: Causes, Effects, & How to Overcome

What Is Toxic Shame?

Toxic shame is a negative self-evaluation that may stem from messages received in childhood. As the result of consistent negative feedback from parents, teachers, or other adults, kids can start to believe that their worth is dependent on external variables. As such, they question their value and turn to maladaptive coping behaviors to deal with internalized shame.

Adolescents with toxic shame often struggle to build social relationships. They also experience feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, making them prone to depression and self-harm. As young adults, they may search for validation, making them more likely to enter into toxic relationships.¹

How Does Toxic Shame Differ From “Normal” Shame?

Toxic shame, unlike ordinary shame, is chronic. That means it’s ongoing, persistent, and lives deep within our unconscious minds. We may not even be fully aware of what we’re experiencing. Ordinary shame isn’t pleasant by any means, but it’s generally felt in response to some wrong-doing or perceived wrong-doing. Plus, it subsides in time.

The following characteristics also differentiate toxic shame from typical shame:²

• It makes you question your worth or causes you to feel worthless
• It makes acknowledging your emotions uncomfortable (because you’re conditioned to believe your emotions are shameful)
• It causes depression and anxiety
• It causes you to frame things as “I am a bad person” instead of “I did a bad thing”
• It causes a negative inner monologue
• It causes avoidance of further shame
• It causes constant negative self-talk

Shame vs Guilt: What’s the Difference?

Shame and guilt are different. Shame is often an all-encompassing negative feeling about a person’s worth, leading to self-loathing and withdrawal, while guilt typically refers to a feeling of remorse for specific actions.

“I compare the difference between shame and guilt along the lines of how I talk to clients about the differences between a complaint and a criticism. Complaints can be productive and lead to positive change without putting the relationship in jeopardy (i.e. ‘It really bothers me when you leave your dirty dishes on the table’) versus a criticism, which insults a person’s character and can have very damaging effects on a relationship (‘You are so lazy and only care about yourself’).

Similarly, a person can feel guilty for an action such as lying, even if there was positive intention behind the lie, whereas shame is all consuming and more of a way of ‘being’ rather than a short-term feeling.” – Nicole Kleiman-Reck, MA, LMHC

What Causes Toxic Shame?

There are many potential causes of toxic shame, most of which are rooted in childhood experiences, such as different forms of abuse, neglect, trauma, or an unstable living environment.

Here is a comprehensive list of causes of toxic shame:³

• Verbal, physical, and emotional abuse or neglect
• Caregivers with mental health issues
• Being in an environment where any kind of domestic abuse is occurring
• Traumatic experiences
• Inconsistencies with discipline
• Emotionally unavailable caregivers
• Mental health issues such as depression or anxiety
• Being bullied or rejected
• Being a victim of gaslighting
• Narcissistic abuse

Why Is Toxic Shame Dangerous to Mental Health?

When there is an imbalance between shame and other emotions, shame can become internalized and lead you to react with anger. If these feelings become the norm, resorting to your angry automatic response may become habitual as well.

Some people may resort to using other maladaptive coping mechanisms such as alcohol, drugs, self-harm, eating disorders, or engaging in risky behavior to deflect or avoid the feelings of shame.

Toxic shame is also linked with low self-esteem and self-worth. Shame can be isolating, and when we don’t have a support system to keep our inner monologue in check, it can lead to intense feelings of anxiety, traumatic responses, depression, and mood swings.⁴