More than 10% of U.S. children ages 17 and younger live with a parent with an alcohol use disorder,1 a chronic disease characterized by uncontrolled drinking. Growing up with an alcoholic parent may leave enduring effects on children, including impaired learning capacity, increased risk of substance abuse disorders and other mental health disorders, and problems maintaining healthy relationships.2 Some children become more resilient and develop tools in response to extreme stress; however, these children are also at risk of taking on adult responsibilities too early in life.
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Living With Alcoholic Parents
Living in a home with alcoholism often means living in an environment filled with fear and anxiety. Children who are living with an alcoholic often end up feeling responsible for their parents’ addictions and many times become parentified within the home – taking care of other siblings and even taking care of the parents.
Living with an alcoholic parent often means:
- Coming in second: The addicted parents’ top focus will always be on the substance of choice – alcohol. They might not realize or be able to acknowledge this, but children of alcoholic parents definitely feel these effects and sense that they are not prioritized.
- Observing and/or participating in self-medication: People, in general, act as they are taught. If children observe their parents self-medicating with alcohol in times of stress and also when celebrating, they may follow in their footsteps and do the same. In essence, every emotion becomes a reason or excuse to have a drink.
- Avoiding discussion of family problems: Many children of alcoholic parents tread carefully about what is said to others so as to avoid upsetting the alcoholic in the family. The stigma of alcoholism is also very prevalent. This secrecy, however, keeps them from getting the help they need.
- Reading situations to determine risk: Oftentimes, one’s drinking can get out of hand, which may lead to loud arguments, accidents, or other uncomfortable situations. Because of this, children learn to remain on high alert when growing up in a household where alcohol prevails.
- Not inviting friends over: Children begin to feel ashamed of their parents’ drinking and don’t want their friends to see them in an unpleasant state. They may avoid inviting friends to their home so they aren’t judged for their parents’ behaviors.
- Assuming adult responsibilities: Due to the inconsistency and unreliability of an alcoholic parent, children often take on adult responsibilities and become “parentified.” Some of these responsibilities include caregiving for younger siblings and managing household tasks such as cooking and cleaning. They also tend to provide emotional support for the parent instead of vice versa.
- Feeling a sense of isolation: The secrecy and stigma surrounding alcoholism can lead children of alcoholics to feel isolated, believing that their experiences are unique and that others wouldn’t understand or relate to their situation.
- Difficulty expressing emotions: Growing up in an environment where emotions are often suppressed or invalidated, children of alcoholic parents may struggle to express their own emotions and have difficulty identifying and managing their feelings.
The Effects of Alcoholic Parents on Children
The scars left on children who grow up in an alcoholic home environment may last well into adulthood, and oftentimes remain untreated due to the silence, shame, and feelings of guilt surrounding an alcoholic parent’s child. The effects of alcoholism on families often include role confusion, unpredictability, and emotional turmoil.
Children benefit most from routine and structure within the home. This allows them to build trust with their parents and feel safe and secure when they’re nearby. However, children who grow up in households with an alcoholic parent often experience the opposite – erratic behaviors and disruptions in daily routines – often leaving them confused, anxious, and never knowing what to expect.
Psychological & Emotional Effects of Alcoholic Parents
Trust is a fundamental part of any securely attached child. However, living with an alcoholic parent can deeply impact a child’s emotional and psychological well-being, particularly in relation to trust. The inconsistent and unreliable behavior of an alcoholic parent erodes the child’s trust in the parent’s ability to provide emotional support, meet their needs, and maintain a safe environment. The broken promises, unreliability, and frequent disruptions create an atmosphere of unpredictability, leading to a pervasive sense of insecurity and uncertainty.
A child living with alcoholic parents may experience:
- Trust issues: Growing up in an environment where trust is repeatedly broken due to the unpredictable behavior and unreliability of an alcoholic parent can lead to difficulties in trusting others and forming secure attachments.
- Unclear sense of normalcy: The inconsistent and chaotic nature of living with an alcoholic parent can blur the lines of what is considered “normal” in a family, making it challenging for the child to develop a clear understanding of healthy family dynamics and relationships.
- Hypervigilance: Children of alcoholic parents often develop a hyper-awareness of their surroundings as a means of anticipating and responding to potential conflicts or crises. This is a helpful defense mechanism in the time of crisis, but can become unhealthy if the child doesn’t know how and when to “turn it off.”
- Guilt and self-blame: Children may internalize feelings of guilt and believe that they are somehow responsible for their parent’s addiction, leading to self-blame and self-criticism.
- Low self-esteem and sense of self-worth: The inconsistent parental support and validation associated with alcoholism can impact a child’s sense of self-worth, leading to feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and low self-esteem. This, in turn, can make children more susceptible to peer pressure and even self-harm.
- Codependency: Children may develop codependent tendencies, feeling a sense of responsibility for their parent’s well-being and attempting to fix or control their parent’s addiction.
- Intimacy issues: Children of alcoholic parents often struggle with feelings of vulnerability and trusting others. They may have fears of abandonment, rejection, or being hurt, which can hinder their ability to engage in healthy and fulfilling intimate relationships later in life.
- Emotional suppression: In order to manage all the emotions within their home, children of alcoholic parents may learn to suppress their emotions, leading to difficulty identifying and expressing their emotions, processing their feelings, and communicating their needs effectively.
Alcoholic Parents’ Effects on a Child’s Behavior
Children of alcoholic parents develop defense mechanisms in response to the challenging environment within their homes. Children often try to adapt by developing strategies to maintain some level of stability, control, or sense of self-worth. Codependency, self-isolation, and insubordination are some red flags that may be easy to identify.
It’s important to be mindful of the more seemingly “positive” coping skills, such as people-pleasing and perfectionism, as they may also be detrimental to the overall well-being of the child. Children may become overly concerned with seeking approval from other adults. They may avoid conflict at the expense of their own well-being. They may develop an excessive need for control, driven by a desire to create order and stability amidst the chaos of their home. These behaviors may seem positive in areas such as school and work, but may hinder their ability to recognize their own desires and communicate their needs effectively.
Alcoholic Parents’ Effects on a Child’s Relationships
Having an alcoholic parent can significantly impact a child’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships. The learned lack of trust may extend to other relationships, making it difficult for the child to establish and maintain deep connections with others. Oftentimes the boundaries within these families become blurred or violated due to the parent’s addiction, so these children may struggle with setting and respecting boundaries in their relationships later in life.
Children of alcoholic parents may exhibit codependent tendencies, feeling a need to take care of others and fix their problems. They may struggle with emotional regulation and effective communication. This may lead them to engage in imbalanced relationships where they prioritize the needs of others over their own – potentially attracting unhealthy and toxic dynamics.
Help for Alcohol Use
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What Are the Long-Term Consequences of Growing up with an Alcoholic Parent?
Living with an alcoholic parent impacts children’s emotional, psychological, and social well-being; however, these effects are not merely limited to the time the children reside within the home. These children are at a higher risk of facing potential challenges as they navigate adulthood as well. Common characteristics of adult children of alcoholics are a deep sense of responsibility, difficulties with intimacy, low self-esteem, and a heightened sense of awareness of others’ emotions and needs. These children are also more prone to mental health disorders and behavioral addictions.
A person raised by an alcoholic parent may have a higher risk of developing:
- Depression
- Anxiety disorders
- Alcohol use disorders
- Other substance use disorders
- Personality disorders
- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
- Eating disorders
They are also more likely to develop behavioral addictions such as:
- Gambling addiction
- Compulsive shopping/spending
- Food addiction
- Workaholism
- Exercise addiction
- Sexual addiction
13 Ways to Cope with an Alcoholic Parent
Living with an alcoholic parent can create a sense of powerlessness and a lack of control. They may feel trapped in a chaotic and unpredictable environment, where their needs and well-being take a backseat to their parent’s addiction. However, there are steps children can take to help regain a sense of control and to protect themselves from the long-term consequences of their circumstances.
The following coping strategies can be beneficial for children of alcoholic parents:
1. Talk to Someone
Reach out to someone you can trust who can provide a listening ear and support. Some people to consider are friends, family members, a counselor, a coach, or a teacher.
2. Understand It’s Not Your Fault
Recognize that your parent’s alcoholism is not your responsibility or something you caused. Understand that addiction is a complex disease and not a result of your actions.
3. Name Your Emotions
Acknowledge and label your emotions related to your parent’s alcoholism. Identifying and expressing your feelings can help you process and cope with them effectively.
4. Find a Safe Place
Create a physical or emotional space where you feel safe and can retreat when the environment becomes overwhelming. This could be escaping to a private room, engaging in a specific activity, or spending time with supportive individuals.
5. Find a Support Group
Seek out support groups specifically designed for children of alcoholics or families affected by addiction. These groups provide a supportive community and a safe space to share experiences and learn from others. Online group therapy or support groups can provide a way of easing into the conversation if you feel anxious about attending in person.
6. Stop the Cycle
Break the cycle of addiction by educating yourself about alcoholism, focusing on your personal well-being, and making conscious choices to avoid engaging in similar addictive behaviors.
7. Set Boundaries
Establish and enforce healthy boundaries with your parents. Clearly communicate your expectations and limits regarding their behavior and its impact on you. This may involve setting limits on interactions, refusing to enable their addictive behaviors, and protecting your well-being.
8. Practice Self-Care
Prioritize self-care activities that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy, reduce stress, and promote self-care.
9. Develop Healthy Coping Mechanisms
Explore and cultivate healthy coping mechanisms such as exercise, hobbies, journaling, or creative outlets to manage stress, process emotions, and maintain a positive mindset.
10. Open Up
Sharing your experiences and feelings with others who have gone through similar situations can be incredibly cathartic.
11. Educate Yourself
As the famous adage goes, “Knowledge is Power.” Learn about alcoholism, addiction, and its effects on individuals and families. Understanding the nature of the disease can help you separate the person from their addiction and help reduce feelings of blame or guilt.
12. Consult with an Interventionist
In some cases, professional intervention may be necessary to help your parent confront their addiction and seek treatment. Consulting with addiction specialists or interventionists can provide guidance on the most appropriate steps to take.
13. Seek Professional Help
Consider therapy or counseling for yourself to address the emotional impact of your parent’s alcoholism. A therapist can provide guidance and coping strategies, and help you process complex emotions.
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How to Support Children of Alcoholic Parents
It is important to recognize that children of alcoholic parents may have experienced traumas that can impact various aspects of their life. Supporting a child of an alcoholic parent requires sincere understanding and empathy.
Here are some ways that you can provide support:
- Find help for the parent: You may be nervous because you do not know how to help an alcoholic, but simple encouragement goes a long way. Recommend the parent to seek professional help for their alcohol use disorder, as their recovery will have a direct impact on the child’s well-being.
- Find help for the child: Connect the child with appropriate resources, such as therapy, support groups, or other community services to help them process their emotions and experiences and engage in activities outside the home.
- Have compassion: Show empathy, validate their feelings, and create a safe space for open communication without judgment.
- Become a reliable presence: Offer consistency and stability in the child’s life, providing a sense of security and support.
- Educate yourself: Learn about alcoholism, its impact on families, and the specific challenges faced by children of alcoholic parents in order to better understand their experiences.
- Encourage self-care: Teach and model self-care practices, such as engaging in hobbies, practicing mindfulness, and maintaining healthy routines.
- Foster a nurturing environment: Create a nurturing and positive atmosphere for the child, promoting their emotional well-being and self-esteem.
- Encourage healthy coping skills: Help the child explore and develop healthy coping strategies that are unique to them. Journaling, art, exercise, sports, and other social activities are a great place to start.
Treatment Options for AUD in Parents
Treating alcohol use disorder is crucial not only for the well-being of the parent, but also for the overall health and stability of the family unit. Seeking treatment provides an opportunity for parents to address their alcohol addiction, work towards recovery, and create a healthier environment for their children. Treatment options vary, but generally aim to help individuals develop coping mechanisms, address underlying issues, and build a foundation for long-term sobriety. The level of care needed for successful recovery depends on the severity of the individual being treated.
Treatment options for alcoholic parents include:
- Rehab: Inpatient rehabilitation (“rehab”) programs offer a structured environment where individuals receive intensive therapy, detoxification support, and learn essential skills for sobriety while they reside away from the triggers of their everyday lives.
- 12-Step programs: Support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous provide a community and a framework of accountability to guide individuals through their recovery journeys.
- Outpatient care: Outpatient care offers flexibility for individuals to receive group therapy, individual counseling, and peer and professional support while living at home and maintaining typical routines, such as work or school. Intensive outpatient therapy programs generally provide 9-19 hours of structured therapy per week; whereas outpatient therapy provides less than 9 hours per week.3 The recommended number of hours needed for successful recovery will be assessed by a professional during an initial intake session.
- Medication-assisted treatment (MAT): Certain FDA-approved medications help individuals reduce cravings, manage withdrawal symptoms, and maintain sobriety. When combined with comprehensive therapy and support, MAT can significantly improve the chances of successful recovery from alcohol use disorder.4
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Therapy Options for Children of Alcoholics
When children are struggling with difficulties or residual traumas stemming from growing up with an alcoholic parent, seeking therapy can be a valuable step towards healing and recovery. Finding a therapist can be done using an online therapist directory. Allowing children the option of searching for their own therapist online may be a way to empower them and provide them with a sense of control they may be craving. They are more likely to engage in treatment if they are given some say in these choices.
Therapy options for recovering from the effects of having an alcoholic parent include:
- Trauma-focused cognitive-behavioral therapy (TF-CBT): Trauma informed therapy recognizes the impact of trauma on a person’s well-being and focuses on creating a safe environment for healing. TF-CBT is an evidence-based therapeutic approach that specifically addresses the impact of trauma on an individual’s thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
- Group therapy: Group therapy involves joining a supportive group of individuals who have shared similar experiences. It provides a sense of belonging, validation, and an opportunity to learn from others.
- Family therapy: Family therapy involves working with a therapist as a family unit to address the dynamics and effects of alcoholism. It helps improve communication, heal relational wounds, and establish healthier patterns within the family system.
- Creative therapies: Creative therapies such as art and music harness the power of creative expression to facilitate healing and emotional processing. They provide non-verbal means of communication and comfort, and can help individuals gain insight and process trauma.
- Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): EMDR is a therapy approach specifically designed to help individuals process and heal from trauma. It involves bilateral stimulation techniques to help reprocess distressing memories and promote emotional healing.
- Mindfulness-based therapy: Mindfulness-based therapy emphasizes present-moment awareness and acceptance. It can help individuals reduce anxiety and stress, develop resilience, and enhance their overall daily functioning.
In My Experience
In my experience, alcohol use disorder is more common than most people believe and many people do not take the children of the alcoholic into consideration. Parents have a lot of stress – including trying to manage a work/life balance, relationship issues, financial difficulties, parenting and other family related stressors, and the guilt of sometimes not being able to get it all done. When these stressors start piling atop of one another, people who do not have adequate coping skills may reach for the bottle at night. It may start with a single glass of wine at dinner and gradually progress to a handle of vodka before work because addiction is a progressive disease. What’s important to remember is that addiction also has a genetic component and is hereditary. Assisting children of alcoholic parents with breaking the generational patterns of addiction is the crucial first step towards improving family dynamics and ending the cycle of addiction.
Additional Resources
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