A miscarriage interrupts the path to parenthood, leaving many people feeling a profound loss, feelings of guilt and isolation, and a potential for mental health concerns like depression and anxiety. The pain of a miscarriage can be managed by allowing yourself time to grieve the loss, creating meaningful rituals, and seeking a therapist for support.
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Common Feelings When Dealing With a Miscarriage
When a pregnancy is lost to a miscarriage, common feelings that arise include grief, sense of loss, devastation, sadness, self-blame, and guilt, although there is virtually no limit to the range of emotions that one experiences.
Common feelings that come up after miscarriage include:
Loss of Identity & Control
If you have ever been pregnant, you likely felt excitement when a loved one threw you a baby shower or you planned a gender reveal party. You may have read books to help you prepare for the new arrival. Perhaps you talked to your baby or played them music. All of these activities help create an emotional bond, a sense of parental identity, and the imagined personhood of the would-be child. The loss from a miscarriage includes not just the loss of the child, but also a loss of identity and the anticipated future.
Self-Blame & Guilt
After a miscarriage, there may be feelings of self-blame or a belief that you were somehow responsible for the loss, even if there was no apparent cause or medical explanation for what triggered the miscarriage. Many individuals are inspired to take special care of their health during pregnancy. You may pay extra attention to the position you sleep in, attending prenatal visits, and avoiding alcohol and caffeine. Messages surround pregnant people which suggests they have individual control over their bodies and therefore, responsibility for the pregnancy and the unborn baby.1,2
Depression, Anxiety, or PTSD
Miscarriage can impact your mental health, with distress being the strongest in the immediate days and weeks after the loss.2,3 You may experience symptoms of depression after miscarriage, an adjustment disorder, or anxiety after a miscarriage.3,4,5,6 Some miscarriages are so traumatic that post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or thoughts of self-harm may develop.3,7
This is a crucial time to seek aftercare support, clinical therapy, and wellness exams. The emotional pain after a miscarriage can last much longer than the physical recovery or the duration of your mental health distress, sometimes up to years after the miscarriage.
Grief
Miscarriage is further complicated by a lack of social scripts for how to deal with the resulting grief. When a loved one passes away, you may receive flowers or a condolence card. You likely have the option for bereavement leave or to attend a funeral. But after a miscarriage, the appropriate way to respond is less clear. There may be no option to take time off work or hold a ceremony. Knowing how to process the disenfranchised grief and move forward is more of a challenge after miscarriage than compared to other situations of loss.
Stigma & Shame
There is also a stigma that sustains the silence and invisibility of miscarriage. It is customary to avoid or limit disclosing pregnancy early in the first trimester in order to prevent having to share news of a miscarriage in the event that it does happen. Miscarriage treatments, medical interventions, and language may even be considered too taboo or controversial to openly talk about. The stigma and lack of open support after a miscarriage can complicate the grieving process and leave many affected individuals to cope on their own.
Loss of Trust in Your Body & Fear for the Future
Planned pregnancy is generally a time of hopefulness. Experiencing pregnancy loss may generate feelings of uncertainty and mistrust around your body’s abilities. You may fear not only how your body may handle future pregnancies, but also how your body may handle everyday tasks. You may feel somewhat disconnected from your body after experiencing miscarriage, and it may take time to build a mind-body connection again.
Jealousy of Others With Babies
After experiencing a miscarriage, some people may experience feelings of jealousy toward new parents. It can be natural and healthy to expect some jealousy when seeing others with an experience you wish you could have. Research supports envy, jealousy, shame, and guilt as emotions associated with maternal grief.8 Jealousy is a secondary emotion, which sometimes arises from the primary emotions of anger or sadness, in relation to experiencing a miscarriage.
Loneliness & Isolation
Social support systems play an important role in recovery from a miscarriage, and people may experience both negative and positive social support. Negative social support could include experiences like a lack of emotional support, blame, or insensitive comments.9 Positive social support includes instances of emotional or physical support from others, such as people bringing gifts or meals, or people who show empathy for the miscarriage.9
Additionally, when individuals experience a lack of general awareness or permission to speak about miscarriage in their community, this can lead to feelings of isolation.9 Ultimately, they may feel silenced about their miscarriage experience. The general rule to keep pregnancy a secret for the first trimester can also lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness if someone wants support right away, or has an early miscarriage.9
Grief Therapy: How It Works, What It Costs, & What to Expect
Grief therapy can be helpful for anyone who is finding their grief is negatively impacting their ability to function in their day-to-day. It also provides a safe, non-judgmental place to explore, unpack, work through, better manage, and potentially find meaning in their grief. If you need help dealing with your loss, a mental health professional is an excellent resource to connect with to recover and heal from your loss.
How to Cope With a Miscarriage
A miscarriage is a significant life event, regardless of how you felt about the pregnancy. Identifying ways to cope with the experience will help you move forward and not stay stuck in grief. Remember that your story is unique and you must decide how to adapt these guidelines so that they fit you and your needs as best as possible.
Here are nine ways to cope after a miscarriage:
1. Remember That It’s Not Your Fault
Remembering that a miscarriage is not your fault is easier said than done. Feelings of depression and grief can make it difficult to think yourself out of painful emotions of self-blame. This is when it is most important to fall back on your support system. A therapist or counselor can also support you in understanding that you’re not at fault, which can help decrease feelings of shame and blame.
2. Let Yourself Grieve & Be Sad
You have just endured a loss that is very likely to have been physically and emotionally painful. Even those who miscarry an unknown or unwanted pregnancy may still find themselves feeling emotional, confused, sad, or guilty. For those deeply attached to the pregnancy, the miscarriage may be excruciatingly difficult to bear.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve after such a loss. This is a time to be patient and compassionate toward yourself. Identify, feel, and accept your emotions for what they are, rather than trying to shut them out or stuff them inside.
3. Tend to Your Physical Health
Get in touch with what you need after your miscarriage and follow through on self-care. Self-care is very individual and should include hobbies or practices that allow your body and mind to feel good. You can start with ensuring you are eating well, drinking water, and getting plenty of sleep. If you feel apathetic or even punitive toward yourself after the miscarriage, reach out for help—you absolutely deserve to be taken care of during this time.
4. Focus on the Facts
You may find yourself analyzing every action or decision you made while pregnant to determine if you did something to cause the miscarriage. Dwelling on these thoughts will only make you feel worse and ultimately do not change the situation. Instead of pondering the “shoulda-woulda-couldas,” stick with the facts that you know. This can help minimize personalizing an event that was out of your control.
5. Stay Grounded in the Present
After a miscarriage, you may find yourself contemplating both the past (“Why did this happen?”) and the future (“Will it happen again?”). This can easily lead to overthinking and strong emotional reactions. Use mindfulness, deep breathing, or cognitive exercises to redirect your mind back to the present moment. If presence is something you struggle with, or you would like to learn more about these tools, a therapist is a great person to ask for help.
6. Find a Way to Commemorate Your Loss
It can be very helpful to find a way to memorialize your lost child after a miscarriage. You may participate in a funeral or memorial ceremony for your baby, which can be organized even if you do not have remains to bury or cremate.
Other rituals or memorials that can facilitate healing are planting a tree or plant, grief journaling, or creating an object such as a Christmas ornament, stone plaque, or jewelry.10 The idea is to create a space for you to honor what you have lost in a way that makes sense to you and contributes to your healing.
7. Try Utilizing Creative Outlets to Process Your Feelings
Creative outlets can help process feelings of grief in non-traditional ways. There are a wide breadth of activities which could count as creative, from gardening, to rearranging your house decor, to writing poetry or mindful doodling. Anything which helps you express yourself could be considered a creative outlet.
Sometimes there may be pressure for people recovering from miscarriage to talk about their feelings. It is equally important to have avenues for recovery which take the pressure off of talking and allow you to express and process emotions in alternative ways. Sometimes non-verbal creative outlets like pottery, paint-by-numbers, or dance, can take the pressure off of using words and allow you to experience recovery differently.
8. Seek Out Support & Be Open About How You’re Feeling
The days and weeks after your miscarriage are likely to be a sensitive time. Relying on the support of others can help make your emotional weight easier to carry.
- Your partner is likely walking through the grief alongside you, even if you have different grieving styles or are in different places with your grief. Sharing space in your grief together can create bonding and comfort.
- Family and friends are the people in our lives who usually know how to support us in times of need. They can be a soft place to fall after a difficult miscarriage. It is still helpful for you to communicate how you would like to be supported, as family and friends are not mind readers and your input on how they can help is valuable.
- A therapist or counselor can provide you with a confidential and non-judgmental space to process your feelings and learn coping skills for moving forward. You may also find couples therapy to be beneficial, especially if the miscarriage has caused a rift between you and your partner, or it amplified problems that were present before the pregnancy.
- A support group is typically run by a mental health professional or peer mentor and provides a space for connecting with others who have experienced the same event. A support group can be a place to find camaraderie and friendship in others who know what you are going through. Sharing your story can both normalize your feelings and help others, which is a cathartic experience. Many in-person and online support groups exist for just this purpose.
9. Remember That Healing Will Take Time
Recovery is not a linear process. It is important to explore and try new strategies for healing so that you can find what is best for your unique emotional and psychological needs. Although you cannot stop the emotions associated with the grief of miscarriage, with time you may develop a new relationship to these emotions and the memory of the pregnancy.
Healing from a Loss Can Take Many Years.
You don’t have to deal with grief on your own. BetterHelp has over 30,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $65 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Take a free online assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you.
How Supportive Miscarriage Therapy Can Help
After a miscarriage, you will likely benefit from a variety of supportive care. One individual may be informed of the fetal death by their obstetrician during a routine appointment. Another may be experiencing signs of miscarriage, such as cramping or vaginal bleeding, and seek help from their doctor or at the emergency room. Regardless of who you initially encounter, any necessary follow-up care should be provided by the professionals who are an appropriate fit for your individual needs.
While medical professionals attend to your physical recovery, a mental health professional can assist with the emotional recovery. Almost any clinician is qualified to help you cope after a miscarriage, although you will find that professionals range in their training and experience with treating miscarriage loss, and it’s important that you find someone you feel comfortable being honest with.
A counselor with a specialty area in grief and loss, infertility counseling, or women’s issues may be familiar with miscarriage loss, but this is not true for all professionals in those specialty areas, nor is a specialization a prerequisite for finding a clinician with the competence and ability to successfully address your needs.
What Not to Do When Dealing With a Miscarriage
When healing from a miscarriage, any coping mechanisms which are centered around numbing from emotions may feel good temporarily, but in the long run will cause more pain and damage. This damage can present through emotional, physical, psychological, and relational consequences.
Some suggestions for what not to do when dealing with a miscarriage include:
- Using substances to cope with the grief
- Isolating yourself for extended periods of time
- Solely relying on distraction techniques without using other forms of coping mechanisms
- Expecting yourself to be able to handle normal routines right away
- Forgetting about basics like drinking water, taking showers, and eating
- Underestimating the power of developing a sleep routine
Healing From a Miscarriage as a Couple
Although there is one individual who physically carried the weight of the pregnancy, the other partner is also processing the loss. Healing relationally may help each partner understand what one another’s needs are for recovery from the miscarriage. Communicating specifics around needs, setting healthy boundaries around discussion of the miscarriage, and providing one another with emotional validation can be important steps for healing relationally.
If you and your partner are having relational issues after the miscarriage, a couple’s counselor may be another consideration. They can address problems such as incongruent grieving styles or lack of communication, and increase connectivity and support.
How to Be a Supportive Friend or Family Member for Someone Dealing With Miscarriage
It can be difficult to know how to help a grieving friend or family member after they have a miscarriage. We often have the best of intentions, but miscarriage is a difficult subject to openly talk about and we may be unwilling or unsure of how to approach the conversation.
The following tips can help guide your response when wanting to show up for a friend after a miscarriage:
Be Sensitive
The tone of conversations and comments regarding the miscarriage should always be set by your loved one. Unless your loved one has specifically stated otherwise, assume that their miscarriage was a significant loss that must be approached with compassion and sensitivity. It is true that not everyone experiences miscarriage as a devastating event, but if in doubt, it is always best to err on the side of caution.
Be Prepared for Discomfort
Miscarriage stigma can provoke uncomfortable feelings such as shame, disgust, or embarrassment during conversations. Your loved one may be very emotional, which you might feel unprepared to handle. If they are sharing their story, you may hear graphic descriptions of medical procedures or how the baby was passed. You do not have to have all the answers or know the “right” thing to say. But do understand that sharing space with your loved one may include withstanding strong emotional topics.
Share Your Story
Miscarriage loss is not uncommon; it’s just taboo to talk about. Chances are you know someone who has endured a miscarriage, even if you are not aware of it. If you have a personal story, it can be cathartic for both you and your loved one to share that together. Of course, to whom and when you disclose your story in the context of being a support of your loved one is a very personal decision and should be considered carefully and with compassion.
Balance Giving Space With Encouraging Support
After a miscarriage, you can offer to spend time with your loved one, encourage them to engage in self-care, or help them seek professional support. The grieving process is very unique and your loved one may require a different response from you at different points in time. Focus on inviting your loved one to take care of themselves and to share with you, but respect the pace at which they are most comfortable to take you up on these offers.
Ask Your Loved One How They Are Doing
You may hesitate to bring up the miscarriage or lost child in an effort to protect your loved one’s feelings, but now is the time to take an interest in their well-being. Ask them how they are doing or what they need from you. Your loved one will elaborate as much or as little as they are comfortable with, but you asking at all shows them you care and you see them, which may be just what they need.
Do Not Police the Grief
You may believe it is time for your loved one to move on, but that is not your place to decide. Comments such as, “Just get over it,” or, “It’s been six months,” will only produce negative feelings for your loved one and perhaps even cause them to pull away. Unless your loved one is unable to successfully function as a result of their grief, there is no abnormal amount of time for them to grieve after a miscarriage.
Do Not Judge
Your loved one may share intimate details of their miscarriage story with you. During these delicate conversations, you may learn that your loved one had to make impossible decisions, some of which might conflict with your religious or cultural views. Keep the focus on supporting them, rather than questioning their decisions, giving a lecture, or offering your opinions.
Don’t Forget About the Loss
A miscarriage can be a life-changing event for your loved one. Take their lead on how to memorialize the loss. Remembering a significant date or displaying a Christmas ornament with the lost child’s name can be a small gesture that is ultimately very meaningful to your loved one.
Miscarriage Statistics
Miscarriage occurs in about 10-15% of known pregnancies.11 Most miscarriages happen in the first trimester, before the twelfth week of gestation, with only 1-5% of pregnancies miscarrying in the second trimester.11 Two or more miscarriages in a row are called repeat miscarriages, and these affect about 1% of women.11
It is important to note that transgender men and some non-binary or intersex individuals can become pregnant and may also be affected by miscarriage.
The cause of a miscarriage is not always known, but chromosomal abnormalities, uterine or cervical issues, infections, or chronic diseases, are potential factors.11,12 Risk factors that increase your likelihood of having a miscarriage include age, smoking, drug or alcohol use, a history of previous miscarriages, certain health conditions, and some prenatal tests, such as an amniocentesis (testing of the amniotic fluid).11
How to Know When You’re Ready to Try Again After Miscarriage
Medical treatment is not required for every miscarriage, but sometimes it is necessary, and may include medication or surgical procedures such as dilation and curettage (D&C).11 The timeline of physical and emotional recovery varies from person to person, and may impact when you choose to start trying again for conception.11,12 Many individuals who have a miscarriage go on to have healthy babies in the future.
How to Cope With Miscarriage Infographics
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For Further Reading
- The March of Dimes is a well-known organization which focuses on pregnancy health and providing information on premature birth and infant death.
- The Miscarriage Association is a charity based in the UK and was founded as a peer support by those who had experienced miscarriage themselves. The organization aims to provide information and support to those affected by pregnancy loss.
- Australian Stillbirth and Newborn Death Support (SANDS) organization runs a parent peer support program. It is a place where a bereaved parent can reach out and find support from another parent who has endured the loss of a child.
- Mother’s Day After a Miscarriage
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