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Do Narcissists Know They Are Narcissists?

Published: November 21, 2022 Updated: January 4, 2023
Published: 11/21/2022 Updated: 01/04/2023
Headshot of Maggie Holland, MA, MHP, LMHC
Written by:

Maggie Holland

MA, MHP, LMHC
Headshot of Dr. Kristen Fuller, MD
Reviewed by:

Kristen Fuller

MD
  • What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?What Is NPD?
  • Do Narcissists Know They Are Narcissists?Do Narcissists Know They Are Narcissists?
  • Should I Tell Someone They’re a Narcissist?Should I Tell Someone They're a Narcissist?
  • Ways to Respond to & Deal With a Narcissist6 Ways to Deal With One
  • Final ThoughtsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • Do Narcissists Know They Are Narcissists? InfographicsInfographics
Headshot of Maggie Holland, MA, MHP, LMHC
Written by:

Maggie Holland

MA, MHP, LMHC
Headshot of Dr. Kristen Fuller, MD
Reviewed by:

Kristen Fuller

MD

While being the target of narcissistic abuse is stressful and hurtful, many narcissists are unaware of how their actions impact others. If they are aware that others feel negatively about them or about their choices, they often lack the ability to take responsibility for their actions or see them as wrong.

Protect yourself from narcissists. In therapy, you can learn techniques like the grey rock method. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp

Visit BetterHelp

What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Someone with a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) will have an incredibly fragile self-esteem, which they will attempt to protect with displays of an overinflated ego, a lack of empathy for others, and an intense need for excessive attention and admiration.1 On average, men are more commonly diagnosed with NPD, but it’s possible for people of any gender to develop the condition.2

According to the DSM-5, NPD is characterized by:

  • Identity Issues: Those with NPD have no ego-strength. This means they are unable to access knowledge of who they are. Because of this, a narcissist looks to others for a reflection of their identity, and will often work to ensure that this reflection is positive in order to avoid emotional pain.
  • Grandiosity behaviors: Grandiosity is the belief that one is better than others. This mindset acts as a protective measure against any negative feedback from others.
  • Lack of empathy: A narcissist struggles to recognize and understand others’ feelings and needs. Because of this, people with NPD tend to have surface-level relationships with little intimacy, because relationships mainly serve as a self-esteem regulator.
  • Obsessive need for admiration: Because narcissists can’t give themselves reassurance, they will seek it from other people. This can look like maneuvering conversations toward compliments and praise, and keeping themselves at the center of attention.3

Narcissistic Traits vs. NPD

While people may show signs of narcissism, that doesn’t necessarily mean they have this personality disorder. In order for a person to be diagnosed with NPD, symptoms must be present across most areas of their life–this won’t change over time, either. Someone showing narcissistic traits can display negative behaviors sporadically or in certain situations. On the other hand, a person with true NPD will have exploitative relationships across all facets of their life–workplace, romantic, friendly, and familial.4 They won’t be able to take accountability for their actions, whereas someone who is only displaying narcissistic traits is typically able to do so.

Do Narcissists Know They Are Narcissists?

In order to answer this question, it’s important to understand the difference between ego-syntonic and ego-dystonic behaviors.

Ego-syntonic behaviors are ones that align with our ego. This means that our thoughts, wishes, feelings, impulses, and behaviors align with who we feel we are as a person and with our core personal values.5We can act upon and feel these things without our moral compass raising alarm bells. Those with ego-syntonic disorders (such as narcissism) are unaware of and unphased by how others view their desires—they don’t see their symptoms as problematic, because they don’t go against their internal belief system.

Conversely, Ego-dystonic behaviors are when we have experiences that do not align with our internal beliefs. These might include unacceptable thoughts or feelings, that may even seem repugnant. An ego-dystonic disorder is one where the person’s symptoms are converse to their internal belief system, such as in Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

In short, people with NPD truly believe that they are better than other people. Since they lack empathy, they struggle to recognize and understand the issue with treating others poorly, being highly critical of others, or generally treating others like they are “less than.” They truly believe it’s alright for them to use any means necessary to fulfill their needs. Because of this, acting without empathy won’t set off moral alarm bells like it would for someone else. They may recognize that people view them negatively, but won’t be able to take accountability for this. They feel that the other person is unable to understand them, or is unworthy of their time.

Does a Narcissist Know They Are Abusive?

Narcissists will do whatever it takes to get their needs met, which can often result in narcissistic abuse. This can include all forms of abuse–whether it be emotional (such as gaslighting or explosions of narcissistic rage), financial, physical, or any other kind. Some narcissists, such as malignant narcissists, actually enjoy abusing others. It’s important to know that NPD occurs on a spectrum, and many narcissists don’t actively seek to abuse and hurt others. Many are entirely unaware that their efforts to meet their own needs are actually harmful to others. Even if it’s done without intention or maliciousness, it’s still important to understand that no abuse is excusable or acceptable.

Does a Narcissist Care That They’re Narcissistic?

Narcissists lack empathy and the core belief that they should care about others. Because a narcissist believes they’re the most important person, they likely see their behaviors as positive qualities, rather than hurtful. People with NPD have an innately low self-esteem, and will therefore stray from accepting any feedback as truth (i.e., negative opinions of others being factual).

Can a Narcissist Change?

While it may be difficult for many narcissists, it is not impossible for a narcissist to change. There are some forms of narcissism that make it easier for a person to see the impact of their actions. The biggest thing to look for is a person’s genuine commitment to seeking change through appropriate therapy or behavioral alteration. This would include taking accountability for their actions; listening to feedback; attempting to focus on others needs, not just their own; and working on healthier emotional and mental regulation skills, without the need to rely on others for validation. It’s also important that they remain committed to this change over time, and if they show this dedication through their actions.

Are you dating or married to a narcissist?

Whether you’re trying to move on or rebuild a relationship, a licensed therapist can guide you. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. Visit BetterHelp

Is your mother, father, or family member a narcissist?

Being raised by a narcissist can damage your confidence and self-esteem. A therapist from Online-Therapy can help you both heal from the past, and manage the relationship to be less harmful.  Counseling starts at $50 per week. Try Online-Therapy

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp and Online-Therapy.

Should I Tell Someone They’re a Narcissist?

Because a narcissistic person believes that their internal beliefs are valid and acceptable, they will not typically take initial feedback well. Remember–you are turning their belief system and life roadmap upside down. This can feel disorienting and scary for them, and they may become defensive or even hostile. While it can be helpful for the person to hear how their actions affect others, it’s also important to consider your own safety and well-being.

If you do not feel comfortable or safe having this conversation, it is always okay to limit your interactions, and instead focus on maintaining your own wellbeing. If you do feel driven to have this discussion, consider how you’ll get your point across efficiently, without risking personal emotional or physical harm. You could have this conversation in person, or you could write a letter outlining your thoughts. Remember to be flexible, and allow yourself to express yourself clearly and openly.

6 Ways to Respond to & Deal With a Narcissist

It’s likely you have dealt with a narcissist at some point in your life, whether it be a family member, friend, spouse, or coworker. While it’s usually best to remove yourself from this relationship or limit interactions, sometimes this isn’t realistic. If you do have to continue a relationship with this person, there are some things you can do to deal with a narcissist.

Here are six ways to deal with a narcissist:

  1. Always remember that you’re not at fault: A narcissist will blame everyone else when things go wrong, and hearing this constantly can impact your self-esteem. Remind yourself as often as you need to that this is a part of their mental illness, and has nothing to do with you.
  2. Respond instead of reacting: A narcissist is looking for the engagement of others, so they can get the attention they want. This can mean that they say false, infuriating, and hurtful things in order to get a reaction from you. By keeping yourself calm, it’s likely they will move onto a different target to seek validation.
  3. Avoid direct confrontation: Narcissists are hyper-sensitive to criticism and will often get defensive or lash out. If you have feedback to give, doing so in a gentle and nonjudgmental way can help to prevent things from escalating.
  4. Set clear boundaries: Setting healthy boundaries is crucial with narcissists, because they are habitual boundary-crossers who believe rules do not apply to them. Clearly setting and holding your own boundaries is the most important way you can take care of yourself in these situations.
  5. If you have to be around them, act interested: Sometimes we have relationships that we cannot avoid–one survival technique you can use in these interactions is to act interested in what they’re saying. You don’t have to agree or tell them they’re right (saying, “That’s interesting,” or asking further questions will work).
  6. Make sure you’re meeting your own needs: Being around a narcissist is draining and challenging. Make sure you’re attending to your own well-being, and seeking therapy if you need it. Knowing when to leave the relationship is also important when prioritizing yourself.

Final Thoughts

Living with a narcissist in your life can be incredibly stressful. Understanding the condition better can help you manage your expectations and give yourself permission to prioritize your needs. While most people with NPD are not aware that they are narcissists, it’s important to remember that no abuse is acceptable or excusable.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for marketing by the companies mentioned below.

Online Therapy

BetterHelp – Get support and guidance from a licensed therapist. BetterHelp has over 20,000 therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy.  Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started

Online-Therapy – Online-Therapy.com provides a weekly live video session, unlimited text messaging, and self-guided activities like journaling. Starting at $64 per week, this is one of the most affordable options for CBT therapy. Try Online-Therapy

Support Groups

Sesh – Sesh offers 100+ live, interactive webinars per month facilitated by mental health professionals. Topics included, “Managing Emotional Guilt and Shame”, “Building Healthy Relationships”, and “Pressing The Breaks On Gaslighting”. Free One Month Trial

Choosing Therapy Directory 

You can search for therapists by specialty, experience, insurance, or price, and location. Find a therapist today.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp, Online-Therapy.com, and Sesh.

For Further Reading

  • Mental Health America
  • National Alliance on Mental Health
  • MentalHealth.gov

Do Narcissists Know They Are Narcissists? Infographics

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?   Do Narcissists Know They Are Narcissists?   Does a Narcissist Care That They're Narcissistic?Ways to Respond to and Deal With a Narcissist

5 sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • Narcissistic Personality Disorder. (2017). Mayo Clinic. Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

  • Grijalva, E., et al. (2015). Gender differences in narcissism: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 141(2), 261–310. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0038231

  • American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). American Psychiatric Publishing.

  • Mitra, P., & Fluyau, D. (2022). Narcissistic personality disorder. National Center for Biotechnology Information. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32310461/

  • American Psychological Association. (n.d.). APA Dictionary of Psychology. American Psychological Association. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/.

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Headshot of Maggie Holland, MA, MHP, LMHC
Written by:

Maggie Holland

MA, MHP, LMHC
Headshot of Dr. Kristen Fuller, MD
Reviewed by:

Kristen Fuller

MD
  • What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?What Is NPD?
  • Do Narcissists Know They Are Narcissists?Do Narcissists Know They Are Narcissists?
  • Should I Tell Someone They’re a Narcissist?Should I Tell Someone They're a Narcissist?
  • Ways to Respond to & Deal With a Narcissist6 Ways to Deal With One
  • Final ThoughtsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • Do Narcissists Know They Are Narcissists? InfographicsInfographics
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