How To Deal With a Narcissistic Family Member: 10 Tips

Signs You Have a Narcissistic Family Member

When there are signs of narcissistic parents or siblings in a family dynamic, it can certainly lead to a lot of frustration and turmoil. If you have narcissistic parents, it can be hard to have your needs heard or met. With narcissistic siblings, you may be deemed the scapegoated child or be pitted against other siblings.¹

Some signs you have a narcissistic family member include:²

• Your family member is gaslighting you: Narcissistic gaslighting is a narcissistic manipulation tactic used to intentionally distort the truth in order to manipulate someone. A narcissistic family member or parent may gaslight you, using this technique to convince you that events transpired differently than you remember to cover their abusive behavior.
• Love is conditional: Instead of giving love unconditionally, your family member makes you feel that you are not worth love unless a condition of theirs is met. You may have to earn their love by praising them.
• They’re self-centered: Your family member makes everything about themselves and cannot handle not being the center of attention, even in the midst of tragedy. They may use narcissistic phrases like, “You’re overreacting,” or, “You’re so insecure.”
• You were silenced: Whether it’s stating how you feel or sharing what you need, you are silenced or ignored and made to feel that you don’t matter. Long term, this can become very traumatizing.
• You feel confused: Increased self-doubt and uncertainty about your reality is a sign that you have a narcissistic family member who is gaslighting you.
• You are anxious around them: Whether the anxiety comes from being around them, not knowing what to expect, or fearing their anger, it may be a sign that you have a narcissistic family member. You may worry about what will happen if they are not pleased with something you did or said.
• They have other unhealthy relationships: If your family member is talking poorly about, name-calling, taking advantage of, becoming aggressive with, or showing jealousy of others, it’s likely that they are a narcissist.
• They were always right: If your family member expects you to always agree with them, side with them, or back them up, it’s likely they are narcissists.
• You carry the weight: If your family member makes you feel that you are responsible for their happiness, such as you always validating how they feel and shouldering their depressed feelings, it’s likely they are a narcissist.
• They love-bomb you: Love-bombing is when someone uses excessive attention and admiration to gain trust. Narcissistic family members may do this in order to win your favor to provide them with praise. This praise fills their narcissistic supply, which is their constant need for admiration.

“Regarding signs that you may have a narcissist in the family, if you find that in most interactions with a person you emerge feeling exhausted, this can be a sign that you are expending energy and thought in supporting the fragile self-esteem of a person with NPD. Human society is universally built on reciprocal and usually fair exchanges of communication, behavior, and value. The person with NPD has difficulty in these spaces and will spend their own energy to ensure their vulnerabilities are not obvious to others. That could mean that people around them are seeing their own vulnerabilities revealed more than they are used to.” –Royce Lee, MD

10 Tips for How to Deal With a Narcissistic Family Member

Learning how to deal with a narcissist, especially a narcissistic parent or narcissistic family member, is no easy task. Most of the time, the only solution is to cut this individual off from your world so they can’t continue to use you. This may not always be an option for many reasons. If this is the case and you are not able to cut this individual out of your life, there are ways to deal with their behavior and protect your well-being.

Below are 10 tips for dealing with a narcissistic family member:

1. Establish a Safe Space During Heated Moments

Have a safe space you can retreat to. It’s important to feel secure in your environment. Having a place where you can go, whether it’s in the home or outside the home, is going to be very helpful for you while you maintain your stance.

2. Set Clear Boundaries

Narcissists will always try to push your boundaries, so setting clear and firm boundaries gives you leverage to lean on. Setting healthy boundaries can help you prioritize your own needs over those of your narcissistic family member. Remember, you should not compromise when it comes to instilling and enforcing your limits.

3. Avoid Conflict

If at all possible, try to simply avoid conflict and think about what the gain is if you engage in the argument. Now, the goal of this is to not succumb to whatever the narcissist wants. It is more about protecting your peace.

4. Accept & Let Go

You won’t be able to change the narcissist in the family, and being able to understand this and relieve yourself of the responsibility to do so will let you move forward.

5. Read Books on the Topic

Reading others’ stories on how they coped with and survived these relationships in the family can be both inspiring and educational. It can give you a new perspective on ways you can heal that you may not have considered before.

6. Build a Support Network

Having friends, a therapist, and relatives outside of the immediate family can be beneficial as you will need a lot of support when dealing with a narcissistic family member. People who validate and give you unconditional love are those who will help keep you going.

7. Have Self-Compassion

With the same token, be kind to yourself. The narcissist is already very negative towards you. So offering yourself grace and learning how to love yourself is critical when dealing with a narcissistic family member.

8. Begin Journaling

Journaling for your mental health is a great way to channel emotions. Additionally, it provides a written record of what happened during intense moments that you can revisit when you are feeling confused or are being gaslighted. Your journal entries can be a source of truth, so be sure to label these with a date and time.

9. Make an Exit Plan

If it’s possible to work towards leaving or cutting this person out of your life, it’s important to start with an exit plan. Think about what you need and want before you leave. Sometimes leaving is the only solution.

10. Speak With a Therapist

Speaking with a therapist about is always an important step to consider, even if you feel like you have a handle on dealing with a narcissistic family member. Therapists can give an objective view, help you feel more empowered in your situation, and build up your self-esteem so you are better able to cope. Othertimes, they can help you craft an exit plan.

When to Seek Professional Help

The right time to get help is after first noticing narcissistic traits in your family member. This experience can be challenging to talk about, so it’s important to consider individual or family therapy. Given the emotionally volatile and potentially abusive nature of having a narcissistic family member, it’s important to reach out immediately if you feel you are in danger of any kind.³

Seeking therapy is a big challenge for narcissists as they lack the self-awareness needed to recognize areas for personal self-improvement. It’s common for individuals who are dealing with a narcissist to end up in counseling by themselves. In a family dynamic, there may be more of the family present. Nonetheless, having a safe outlet to work through these issues is beneficial for anyone as recovering from narcissistic abuse can take time. You do not need to endure any kind of abuse in a relationship. Abuse should never be tolerated. A therapist can help normalize this into an internalized belief and start the stages of healing after narcissistic abuse.^4,5

The best way to find the right therapist for these issues is by searching an online therapist directory. All licensed therapists can be equipped to help people struggling with mental health issues. Reading reviews and looking at clinician bios to understand their scope of practice can give you an idea of whether their experience suits your situation. Many therapists offer free phone consultations and virtual/teletherapy visits, both of which allow people an opportunity to receive support if they are unable to visit an office.

Final Thoughts

What you’re struggling with may be unique to you, but you’re not alone. If you are dealing with a narcissistic family member, talking to a therapist who specializes in this area can make a big difference in how you feel. Together, you and your therapist will develop a plan to help you through this situation and learn how you can establish boundaries to feel safer.