A narcissist is someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, which is marked by grandiose thinking, inflated sense of ego, lack of empathy and a need to be admired by all. A narcissist family member may gaslight you and need a constant stream of praise. Some tips for how to deal with a narcissistic family member include journaling, creating support networks, and avoiding conflict.
Signs You Have a Narcissistic Family Member
When there are signs of narcissistic parents or siblings in a family dynamic, it can certainly lead to a lot of frustration and turmoil. In parents, it can be hard to have your needs heard or met, and with narcissistic siblings, you may be the scapegoated child or be pitted against the other siblings whose narcissism is demanding more time from the parent.1
Some signs you have a narcissistic family member include:2
- Your family member is gaslighting you: Narcissistic gaslighting is a manipulation tactic where a person intentionally distorts the truth in order to manipulate someone. A narcissistic family member or parent may gaslight you, using this technique to try to convince you that events transpired differently from the way you remember them to cover their abusive behavior.
- Love is conditional: Instead of giving love unconditionally, your family member makes you feel that you are not worth love unless a condition of theirs is met. You may have to earn their love through praising them.
- They’re self-centered: Your family member makes everything about themselves and cannot handle not being the center of attention, even in the midst of tragedy. They may use narcissistic phrases like, “You’re overreacting,” or, “You’re so insecure.”
- You were silenced: Whether it’s stating how you feel or sharing what you need, you are silenced and ignored and made to feel that you don’t matter. Long term this can become very traumatizing.
- You feel confused: Feeling more self-doubt and unsure of your reality is a sign that you have a narcissistic family member who is gaslighting you.
- You are anxious around them: Whether the anxiety comes from being around them, not knowing what to expect or fearing their anger, it may be a sign that you have a narcissistic family member. You may feel anxious about what will happen if they are not pleased with something you did or said.
- They have other unhealthy relationships: If your family member is talking poorly about others in front of you, name calling them, taking advantage of others, becoming aggressive at others and showing jealousy of others, it’s likely that they are a narcissist.
- They were always right: If your family member expects you to always agree with them, side with them and back them up, it’s likely they are narcissists.
- You carry the weight: If your family member makes you feel that you are responsible for their happiness, such as you always validating how they feel and shouldering their depressed feelings, it’s likely they are a narcissist.
- They love-bomb you: Love-bombing is when someone uses excessive attention and admiration to gain trust. Narcissistic family members may do this in order to win your favor to provide them with praise. This praise fills their narcissistic supply, which is their constant need for admiration.
“Regarding signs that you may have a narcissist in the family, if you find that in most interactions with a person you emerge feeling exhausted, this can be a sign that you are expending energy and thought in supporting the fragile self-esteem of a person with NPD. Human society is universally built on reciprocal and usually fair exchanges of communication, behavior, and value. The person with NPD has difficulty in these spaces and will spend their own energy to ensure their vulnerabilities are not obvious to others. That could mean that people around them are seeing their own vulnerabilities revealed more than they are used to.” –Royce Lee, MD
10 Tips How to Deal With a Narcissistic Family Member
Learning how to deal with a narcissist, especially a narcissistic parent or narcissistic family, member is no easy task. Most of the time, the only solution is to cut this individual off from your world so they don’t have access to you to continue using you. This may not always be an option for many reasons.
If this is the case and you are not able to cut this individual out of your life, here are 10 tips to deal with a narcissistic family member:
1. Establish a Safe Space During Heated Moments
Have a safe space you can retreat to. It’s important to feel safe and having a place where you can go, whether it’s in the home or outside the home, is going to be very helpful for you while you maintain your stance.
2. Set Clear Boundaries
Narcissists will always try to push your boundaries, so setting clear and firm boundaries gives you leverage to lean on. Setting healthy boundaries can help you prioritise your own needs over those of your narcissistic family member.
3. Avoid Conflict
If at all possible, try to simply avoid conflict and think about what the gain is for you to engage in the conflict. Now, the goal of this is to not succumb to whatever the narcissist wants, but more about protecting your peace.
4. Accept & Let Go
You won’t be able to change the narcissist in the family, and being able to understand this and relieve yourself of the responsibility to do so will let you move forward.
5. Read Books on the Topic
Reading other’s stories on how they coped with these relationships in the family and how they survived can be both inspiring and educational and can give you a new perspective on ways you can cope that you may not have considered before.
6. Build a Support Network
Having friends, a therapist, and relatives outside of the immediate family can be very helpful for you as you will need a lot of support when dealing with a narcissistic family member. People who support you and give you unconditional love is something that will help keep you going.
7. Have Self-Compassion
With the same token, be kind to yourself since the narcissist is already being very negative towards you. Taking a break on yourself and having self-love is critical when dealing with a narcissistic family member.
8. Begin Journaling
Journaling is a great way to channel emotions and also keep a record for yourself of what happened during intense moments. Having this record can be helpful if you are feeling confused or are being gaslighted–it can be the source of truth to journal with the date and time of your entries.
9. Make an Exit Plan
If it’s possible to work towards leaving or cutting this person out of your life, it’s important to start with an exit plan and think about what you need and want before you leave. Sometimes leaving is the only solution.
10. Speak With a Therapist
Speaking with a therapist about this is an important step to always consider, even if you are practicing all of these other ways of dealing with the narcissistic family member. Therapists can give an objective view and help you feel more empowered in your situation and build up your self-esteem to be able to better deal and cope, or even to help you craft an exit plan.
When to Get Professional Help
The right time to get help is immediately when you notice the traits in your family member. It can be challenging to talk about, so it’s important to consider individual or family therapy. Given the emotionally volatile and potentially abusive nature of having a narcissistic family member, such as narcissistic abuse and narcissistic rage, it’s important to seek help immediately if you feel you are in danger of any kind.3
Seeking therapy is a big challenge for those with narcissistic personality disorder due to the major gaps in self awareness that don’t allow them to recognize areas for self-improvement. It’s common for individuals who are dealing with a narcissist to end up in counseling by themselves. In a family dynamic, there may be more of the family present. Nonetheless, having a safe outlet to work through these issues is beneficial for anyone dealing with a narcissistic family member as recovering from narcissistic abuse can take time. You do not need to endure any kind of abuse in any kind of relationship. Abuse should never be tolerated and a therapist can help normalize this into an internalized belief, and start the stages of healing.4,5
The best way to find a therapist for these issues is by searching an online therapist directory. All licensed therapists can be equipped to help people struggling with mental health issues. Reading reviews and looking at clinician bios to understand their scope of practice can give you an idea of whether their experience suits your situation. Many therapists offer a free phone consultation and virtual/teletherapy visits, both of which allow people an opportunity to get help during the pandemic.
Final Thoughts
What you’re struggling with may be unique to you, but you’re not alone. If you are dealing with a narcissistic family member, talking to a therapist who specializes in this area can make a big difference in how you feel. Together, you and your therapist will develop a plan to help you through this situation and learn how you can establish more boundaries to feel safer.
