Family Scapegoat: Signs, Effects, & How to Cope

What Is Scapegoating?

A family scapegoat is a kind of family projection that occurs when a person places responsibility for unresolved problems on a child, sibling, or another family member.¹ To put it simply, the scapegoat is a family member that is easier to place blame on rather than take responsibility for our own actions and mistakes. This is harmful to the entire family unit because when one part of the family suffers, other parts do, too.

In the context of families, the idea of scapegoating was discussed by Ezra Vogel and Norman Bell.² In the same year, this concept was further popularized by Murray Bowen.³ They applied this concept to demonstrate how a symptom-bearer for dysfunction in a family was not only detrimental but could change. If the scapegoat gets better, some other member of the family would take on the burdens of the scapegoat, and would sometimes even mirror the previous scapegoat. In one famous example, the symptoms and appearance of schizophrenia seemed to be passed from child to child.⁴

This example is seen as a classic example of family scapegoats.

How Is a Family Scapegoat Chosen?

There are many reasons a child may find themselves in the role of the scapegoat. In many ways, this is the opposite of the golden child. Instead of being treated favorably and assuming the best in the golden child, the scapegoat is viewed with more suspicion. Despite this unfortunate choice, none of these things are set in stone. Families can make adjustments and learn to take care of each other and themselves in kinder ways.

A child may be chosen as the family scapegoat because of:

• Intelligence: A parent may fault a child that isn’t as capable at school, at work, or helping with family.
• Appearance: A parent may favor a child with a more favorable appearance, including things like skin tone or hair color.
• Reminders of a previous scapegoat: Reminding a parent of someone else in the family that had been a scapegoat before can lead to taking on the role.
• Behavior: Making mistakes, such as getting in trouble at school can feed negative expectations.
• Anxiety of parenting: Feeling unable to be a good parent can lead to giving up on trying.
• Illness: Being sick, whether mentally or physically, can lead to stigma that can contribute to the role.
• Desire to protect others: Wanting to protect other children can lead to scapegoating.

Scapegoating & Projection

Projection is a common reaction to unresolved issues in the family. Without confidence in their ability to address these situations directly, the fear of these issues coming to their families leads to watching carefully for signs of them. Family members are more likely to continue noticing these issues, which can feed into the problem.

Parents who actively seek out problems may react as if the worst is coming, leading them to treat the scapegoat like an outcast. Seeing signs of trouble or sensing future risk does not always mean something is wrong.

7 Signs of a Family Scapegoat

There are many possible signs of a family scapegoat pattern in families. Some of these signs may at first be innocent and understandable. For example, a child getting in trouble after having an outburst in public would likely occur in any family. However, for a family scapegoat, this kind of behavior and subsequent reaction would bear noticeable differences from the same behavior of other children.

Here are 7 signs of a family scapegoat:

1. Constantly Feeling Ignored

If you feel as though your parents don’t have time for you and treat your siblings differently, it may be part of a scapegoat pattern. Scapegoating is not the only explanation for this behavior, but it is one possible explanation. Since other explanations are possible, pay attention in the future for other similar examples.

The silent treatment is a tactic parents use to challenge their children to work through problems independently. An unfortunate effect of these kinds of tactics is that direction can be unclear, and children can struggle to grasp what is expected of them. Another is expecting to be ignored when they are struggling.

2. Always Being Cast in a Negative Light

There are multiple ways to interpret behaviors. Treating another member differently by interpreting their motivations in a negative way is how family scapegoats are treated. Of course, rare or uncommon instances of this behavior can be understandable, but consistent instances of this may indicate these scapegoating patterns.

3. Justifying the Situation

If a parent has a child that is being scapegoated, the parent may justify this behavior and find excuses as to why their child is the scapegoat. They may look for examples and reasons as to why their child is the scapegoat. For example, look for past mistakes, poor behavior or maybe even flaws in their child to justify the scapegoating behavior.

4. Triangulation

Triangulation is another concept from Bowen’s theory of family therapy.³ Essentially, triangulation is when a third person is brought into a relationship to stabilize a two-person relationship. The tension that existed in the two-person dynamic may decrease, but it can create a dynamic where one part of the triangle (such as the scapegoat) is left out.⁵

5. Manipulation

Manipulation is similar to triangulation in some ways, but it is different in the sense that people use manipulation tactics with purpose. Triangulation is essentially created in a relationship to help manage anxiety, while manipulation would be there to achieve some other outcome. For example, a child may lie about their sibling doing something bad to get out of trouble. It is also possible for this behavior to extend into adulthood as well.

A child lying about something bad they did is a far cry from manipulating their parents to isolate their sibling from the family. Long-term, these lies can have a devastating effect, and recognizing these signs sooner rather than later can help.

6. Successes Aren’t Recognized

Thinking negatively about a scapegoat is one part of the lost opportunity in this pattern. The other part is that the positive sides aren’t noticed either. This part of the pattern happens because accepting new information is difficult. It counters narratives you may have held about people in your life.

7. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a denial of reality to another person to raise doubts in their minds.⁶ This kind of emotionally damaging practice can lead to deep wounds. A scapegoat that has experienced this may still struggle with the doubts they have from those conversations.

Effects of Being the Family Scapegoat

There are many negative impacts that can come from this dynamic in a family. These impacts can be severe and can lead to long-lasting issues for the entire family, not just the scapegoat.

Effects of being a family scapegoat child may include:

Self-Harm Behaviors

A scapegoated child may feel isolated to the point that they do not know how to bring attention to the pain they are feeling. In these cases, self-harm or self-sabotaging behaviors could help to draw attention to their suffering. Sadly, the scapegoat may or may not have awareness of the motivations behind their self-harm.

Trauma

Being the family member blamed for the family’s dysfunction can lead to childhood trauma and possibly post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). People that have experienced trauma live with the ramifications, flashbacks, and emotional intensity throughout their lives. This trauma may continue to affect them even if the relationship is repaired.

Low Self-esteem

Low self-esteem often develops after years of being blamed and targeted by other family members. What if the scapegoat believes what they have heard about their motivations? If this person identifies with their role, they may resent themselves and think poorly of their capabilities.

People Pleasing Tendencies

People who have been blamed for more than their share may want to put a stop to that. Instead of fighting this blame, they may take extreme measures to please people. These tendencies can be hurtful, especially if it feels as though they can’t win. People-pleasing in itself is not a bad thing because it can be healthy to want to make people proud or happy. For the scapegoat, it may be more desperate than that, and as a result, they go to extreme measures to please others while sacrificing their own happiness and mental wellness.

Codependent Behaviors

Codependent behaviors are when people attempt to carefully manage other people’s feelings by changing their own behavior.⁷ People that have experienced scapegoating may struggle with this as they try to prevent being scapegoated. However, they are not in control of this dynamic. Due to this, their efforts to control these relationships are likely to backfire, and their toxic relationships remain painful.

Conflict

The frustration that can come from the experience of being the scapegoat can erupt into interpersonal conflict. These conflicts demonstrate this frustration. However, the nature of these conflicts can make good outcomes for the family more difficult by driving members apart. These conflicts would likely involve blame-shifting or other behaviors similar to the scapegoat pattern. For example, the scapegoat may try to convince his family that some other family member really deserves all the blame they have been receiving.

Future Relationships Follow This Pattern

One sad outcome of dysfunctional families is the way that the dysfunctional patterns pass on to future relationships. The scapegoating dynamic is no different, as the scapegoat or some other member of the family, may seek out their own scapegoats to blame. In cases such as this, the pain and trauma of the experience will continue to hurt the family.

Can Family Scapegoating Lead to Positive Outcomes?

Family scapegoating is a painful and damaging pattern that negatively impacts everyone involved and is most hurtful to the scapegoat. Any positive outcome resulting from this is in spite of the scapegoating rather than because of it.

It is possible to have positive outcomes despite these cycles of abuse or intergenerational trauma. Families can learn, grow, and heal despite these painful experiences. The path to healing starts with you and your choices, but the first steps are to learn to cope with the situation you find yourself in.

How to Cope With Being a Family Scapegoat Child

It can take time to recognize that being the family scapegoat is one part of a larger family pattern of behaviors. Despite the negative impact this may have on your life, you can protect yourself and begin to heal. By being open to change and adopting healthy coping skills, you can step away from the negativity of being the family scapegoat.

Here are some tips for overcoming problems from being the family scapegoat:

• Use positive statements: Start changing your negative mindset by focusing on the things you want more of in your life. State these intentions in a positive manner to yourself and others.
• Acknowledge personal experiences: Saying out loud that this has happened in your family can be a freeing experience.
• Set healthy boundaries: Learn how to set healthy boundaries, putting limits on who and how you interact with others. This can help you have more control over your surroundings.
• Try journaling: Journaling is an excellent way to take thoughts that are hurting us and put them somewhere else. Recognizing the mental health benefits of journaling as part of this process can help you manage these thoughts more effectively.
• Join a support group: An online support group for this form of abuse or PTSD can provide much-needed emotional support. Hearing other experiences and perspectives can help you feel connected to others.
• Practice self-compassion: Learning to love yourself is challenging, but it can help you counteract the turmoil you may experience as the scapegoat.
• Practice taking responsibility: Recognize that you are responsible for your actions and reactions, even if you are put in a position of being a victim. Doing this can help you see beyond the manipulation and move forward with your life.
• Developing friendships: Grow your social support system by deepening your current friendships. As you feel ready, branch out to meet new people with common interests and values.

Treatment to Help With Being a Family Scapegoat

Being a family scapegoat is a painful and often isolating experience. If you struggle with your experiences even after trying some of the coping tips mentioned above, consider the benefits of therapy. Finding a therapist can seem like a big step, but using an online therapist directory can help you narrow down your search and choose someone with the right experience and fit for your needs.

Therapy options for overcoming family scapegoating may include:

• Bowen family therapy: The Bowenian theory of family systems is focused on behavior patterns passed on through generations. Finding a therapist with knowledge about Bowen’s work may have the most helpful insight into these dynamics.
• Trauma-informed therapy: Trauma-informed therapy acknowledges the impact of trauma on a person’s thoughts, behaviors, and emotions. This approach can help with the trauma of being scapegoated, especially if PTSD symptoms are present.
• General family therapy: Sometimes family members can be loving in person but abusive in private, leading to a mental conflict called cognitive dissonance. Even if family therapy is not in a Bowenian style, family therapy can still be an effective way to address this dynamic.
• Individual Therapy: If the prospect of family therapy overwhelms you, consider how seeing a personal therapist can help build confidence and self-esteem. It can help you prepare to face your family to talk about this or cope without doing so.

Final Thoughts

Family scapegoating is a damaging pattern, and maybe you have experienced it. If you have, please don’t hesitate to reach out for support. Take heart that there are always steps forward and there is hope for your future.