Emotionally Abusive Parents: 12 Signs, & How to Recover

What Is Emotional Abuse by Parents?

Emotional abuse by parents occurs when parents use words to purposefully manipulate, intimidate, humiliate, or belittle their child’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviors. Parents who are emotionally abusive typically do so to instill control. Sometimes, these behaviors are purposeful, while other times, a parent may not know better and are just imitating how they were raised.

12 Types of Emotional Abuse by Parents

Emotional abuse exists on a spectrum, so it can sometimes be hard to recognize. Sometimes, it occurs on its own, and other times, it coexists with other forms of parental abuse, such as physical or sexual abuse. Regardless of the form, having emotionally abusive parents often results in childhood trauma and can severely affect a person’s physical and mental health.

Here are twelve types of emotional abuse that are commonly used by emotionally abusive parents:

1. Manipulation

An emotionally abusive parent will use manipulation tactics such as the silent treatment, parental gaslighting, and triangulation to produce chaos and confusion within the family. It further allows parents to maintain control and meet their own needs.

Here are some examples of what manipulation can look like:

• The parent expresses conditional love for the child, leading the child to believe that their love is contingent on specific conditions or expectations.
• Using gaslighting to cause the child to question their own emotions or their perception of the abuse.
• The parent uses guilt-tripping to make the child feel responsible for the parent’s emotions.
• The parent causes mistrust with others in the child’s life or gives them incorrect information to undermine their relationships with others.
• Using a child’s fears or insecurities to make them comply with the parent’s expectations or demands.

2. Verbal Abuse

Parents who are emotionally abusive may use verbal abuse as a way to demean or belittle the child. This can come in many forms, such as putting the child down, insults, yelling, and more. Verbal abuse from a parent can have profound impacts on the child’s internal thoughts about themselves.

Here are some examples of what verbal abuse can look like:

• Constant criticism: Many parents who are emotionally abusive are also highly critical. Being frequently told that one’s choices and actions are wrong results in feelings of low self-worth and worry about being verbally attacked for these choices.
• Dismissiveness or belittling: Many people report having their traumatic experiences denied or trivialized by parents, whether they happened in or outside of the home. A parent may brush their children off when requested for attention by saying, “You’re fine, go play.” or “At least it wasn’t worse, you’ll be okay.” They may also minimize the child’s talents or accomplishments.
• Excessive insults: Using words to be cruel and demeaning constitutes emotional abuse. This harms a child’s self-esteem and self-worth, and can leave them with a limited ability to trust others, as well as make them weary of other relationships.
• Constant yelling: In an abusive household, there are often frequent outbursts in the home. This can lead to frequent yelling or shouting by the parent to the child.
• Cursing or swearing: Verbal abuse can come in the form of cursing or swearing at the child, using curse words as insults or to demean the child.

3. Emotional Neglect

Another form of abuse comes in the form of childhood emotional neglect. An emotionally abusive parent may fail to provide emotional support to the child, intentionally ignore the child, or disregard their needs. This type of abuse may have significant impacts on a child’s emotional development.

Here are some examples of what emotional neglect can look like:

• Withholding affection: The parent rarely, if ever, hugs the child or shows physical affection. This can lead to unmet needs and emotional distance between parent and child.
• Dismissing emotions: The parent minimizes the child’s emotions or ignores them entirely. The child may reach out for reassurance or emotional support, which the parent does not provide.
• Inconsistent responses: The parent shows little consistency in attending to the child’s emotions or needs. This can lead to further confusion from the child on how to seek support or have their needs met.
• Ignoring achievements: The parent fails to acknowledge milestones, academic or personal achievements from the child.
• Withholding love: The parent does not express love, acceptance, or approval to the child.

4. Threats

Threats are commonly used in emotionally abusive households as a form of punishment.  These threats can be explicit, such as threatening to abandon the child, or implicit, such as hinting at severe consequences for disobedience.

Here are some examples of what threats can look like:

• The parent threatens to destroy a child’s property or pets for misbehaving
• The parent threatens to harm themselves for a child’s actions
• The parent threatens to withhold food, shelter, or other basic needs as punishment
• The parent threatens to kick the child out of the home.
• The parent threatens to physically harm the child.
• The parent threatens to publicly humiliate the child.

5. Excessive Control

Although some level of control may be inherent in a parent-child dynamic, excessive control can be used by parents who are emotionally abusive. Excessive control from controlling parents goes beyond what would be considered normal as far as the parent regulating what the child does, whom they speak with, and the rules of the home.

Here are some examples of what excessive control can look like:

• Enforcing strict and rigid rules for the child that impact every part of the child’s life
• Excessively managing the child’s daily activities, such as their clothing, schedule, grooming, and leisure time
• Constantly checking their social media, texts, emails, etc. on their phone without their consent
• Discouraging or preventing the child from having their own interests, opinions, or hobbies
• Violating the child’s privacy by reading their journal or other private notes

6. Isolation

Isolation can be used as a form of abuse by emotionally abusive parents to further control what the child does. By isolating the child from others, the parent can stop the child from forming connections with others outside the home. This may further allow emotional abuse to continue, as the child may not have close connections with other people they could disclose the abuse to.

Here are some examples of what isolation can look like:

• Forbidding the child from seeing friends or participating in activities outside of the home
• Limiting interaction with other adults in the child’s life, such as other family members
• Expressing recurring disapproval when the child makes a new friendship
• Enforcing a strict schedule that doesn’t allow the child to see others
• Controlling their access to communication with others

7. Favoritism & Comparison

Using favoritism among children in the home can take many forms and often leads to division between family members, leading to strained relationships. Comparison may be used with individuals outside the home as well as between siblings. Both favoritism and comparison can have damaging effects on self-esteem and overall mental health.

Here are some examples of what favoritism and comparison can look like:

• Excessively praising one child in the home while criticizing others or neglecting to give praise to them
• Giving unequal discipline between siblings; for example, one child is punished harshly for something, and another child has minimal consequences for the same behavior
• Withholding attention, support, or comfort from one child and providing it to the favored child
• Comparing a child’s achievements to their siblings or other peers the child knows, painting the child in a negative light
• Promoting rivalry between siblings in the home due to comparisons, leading to conflict between them

8. Humiliation

Nobody likes being embarrassed, and when humiliation comes from a child’s own parents, it is especially traumatic. This form of abuse is intentionally performed to cause harm and does not include the unintentional embarrassment a child experiences if they are reprimanded in public.¹

Here are some examples of what humiliation can look like:

• The parent shares personal information about the child with others in an attempt to embarrass and punish them.
• Criticizing the child for their appearance or abilities in front of others, such as their friends or other family members.
• Posting embarrassing information about the child online or on social media, without their knowledge or consent.
• Forcing the child to perform a task they cannot do or are uncomfortable with, while the parent knows it will lead to embarrassment or failure.
• Mocking the child’s speech, mannerisms, interests, or behaviors in a demeaning way.

9. Blaming

Emotionally abusive parents typically also engage in blaming behaviors. Blaming as a form of parental emotional abuse involves consistently holding a child responsible for problems or failures, regardless of whether they are at fault or not. It can include accusing the child of causing family issues, personal setbacks, or the parent’s own unhappiness.

Here are some examples of what blaming can look like:

• The parent blames the child for the burning dinner because the parent had to change the child’s wet clothes.
• The parent blames the child for the family’s financial struggles.
• Blaming the child for difficulties in the parent’s relationship or issues in their marriage.
• The parent blames the child’s academic difficulties on them being “lazy,” “incompetent,” or another derogatory term about their character.
• The parent blames their child for their own emotional state, such as being stressed, sad, or angry.

10. Rejection or Abandonment

Rejection or abandonment as a form of parental emotional abuse involves consistently withdrawing affection, attention, or approval from the child. This tactic can include ignoring the child’s emotional needs, invalidating their feelings, or overtly telling the child they are unwanted or unloved. Abandonment may also involve physically removing oneself from the child.

Here are some examples of what rejection or abandonment can look like:

• Rejecting affection: The parent may reject the child’s displays of affection, such as trying to hug the parent.
• Physical abandonment: The parent leaves the child in unsafe situations or leaves them alone without supervision or before it is developmentally appropriate for the child to be alone.
• Disownment: The parent rejects the child, refuses to acknowledge their relationship, or verbally makes comments about disowning them.
• Abandoning during crisis: The parent withholds emotional support during a time of crisis for the child or fails to provide practical support when needed.
• Failing to meet needs: The parent fails to meet the child’s basic needs, such as shelter, food, or medical attention.

11. Emotional Incest

Emotional incest is when a parent relies on their child to meet emotional needs that should be fulfilled by another adult, such as a romantic partner. This burdens the child with emotional responsibilities they are not equipped to handle. The parent may confide in the child about personal issues or seek their advice. Emotional incest is often done without the parent’s awareness due to their own unhealthy behaviors and lack of boundaries. It can lead to enmeshment trauma, as parents begin to rely on and depend on a child for support.

Here are some examples of what emotional incest can look like:

• Parentification: Parentification occurs when the child is made to be responsible for adult responsibilities, such as taking care of siblings, providing emotional support to the parent, or managing the household.
• Role reversal: The parent expects the child to meet their needs that should be met by another adult. Rather than the parent caring for the child, the child begins caring for the parent.
• Emotional dependency: The parent relies on the child for emotional support, validation, or companionship. This typically results in the child feeling responsible for the parent’s emotions.
• Jealousy of other relationships: The parent shows resentment or jealousy for relationships that the child has with others, such as their friends or other family members.
• Violating boundaries: The parent does not respect boundaries the child attempts to implement. This can take the form of invading their privacy, personal space, or emotional boundaries.

12. Emotional Blackmail

Abusive parents may use emotional blackmail to control the child’s actions or behaviors. This can take many different forms, such as using manipulation, guilt-tripping, or threats to control the child or make them comply with what the parent wants.

Here are some examples of what emotional blackmail can look like:

• Threatening or implying that the parent will harm themselves if the child doesn’t conform to the parent’s wishes or demands
• Withdrawing support or approval if the child is not compliant with what the parent wants
• Telling the child if they don’t comply with parental expectations, they will no longer be loved by the parent
• Holding past mistakes or failures against the child to manipulate the child to comply
• Blaming the child for the parent’s emotions, making them feel responsible for the parent’s emotional state

Free Worksheets for Dealing With an Unhealthy Parent

Whether you’re working on setting boundaries, managing emotional responses, or reclaiming your sense of self, these worksheets are designed to support your journey. Find the one that fits your current situation, or download all of them here.

Complete Workbook Download

Recognizing Toxic Behavior Download

Setting Boundaries Download

Practicing Self-Care Download

Setting SMART Goals Download

Personal Strengths Inventory Download

Overcoming Shame Download

Signs of Emotional Abuse in Children

Emotional abuse from a parent can have lasting impacts on a child. Some of these signs may be observable by others, such as their behavior at school or with peers, emotional dysregulation, or talking negatively about themselves. Low self-esteem, self-doubt, and frequent anxiety are also signs of emotional abuse in children.

Other signs of emotionally abused children include:

• Withdrawn behavior: A child may isolate themselves from friends and family and be reluctant to participate in social activities.
• Fearfulness: A child may demonstrate excessive fear of being punished or doing something wrong.
• Anxiety: A child may have ongoing anxiety and complain of physical symptoms associated with this, such as stomach aches, nausea, or headaches.
• Difficulty in relationships: A child may have a hard time forming and maintaining healthy relationships with their peers.
• Lack of trust: A child may seem highly mistrustful of others, typically due to fear.
• Inappropriate behaviors: A child may engage in risky or inappropriate behaviors for their age, such as alcohol or drug use; these behaviors are usually as a means of escape or maladaptive coping with their distressing home environment.
• Lack of emotional development: A child may have difficulty with regulating or expressing emotions in a way that would be expected based on their age or level of development.
• Overly submissive behavior: A child may be overly submissive to the point of neglecting their own needs. They also may display fawning behaviors.

Effects of Having an Emotionally Abusive Parent

Growing up with an emotionally abusive parent can take a significant mental toll on a person. The impact of such abuse varies depending on its severity, the frequency of contact with the abusive parent, and the level of external support available. Without adequate help and support, victims often face long-term effects, including the development of depression, anxiety, PTSD, and physical health issues.

Effects of having emotionally abusive parents may include:

• Low self-esteem: Being ridiculed, criticized, and emotionally abused takes a toll on a person’s self-esteem. This can make it difficult to take healthy risks, pursue goals, or believe in themselves.
• Anxiety and depression: Living in a constant state of chaos and stress keeps the body in a heightened state of alertness, leading to symptoms of anxiety that can last until adulthood. Additionally, due to excessive criticism and put-downs, children who grow up in emotionally abusive households often develop depression.
• Struggles with academic and work performance: When there is a lot of stress and dysfunction at home, it will often be exhibited in a child’s academics and school performance. These academic issues can affect their professional development as adults.
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): Repeated emotional trauma may result in PTSD. It can manifest in symptoms like flashbacks, nightmares, hypervigilance, and emotional detachment.
• Substance abuse: Individuals who experience parental trauma are more prone to addiction, which is used as a way to self-soothe from one’s trauma and pain.
• Eating disorders: Having emotionally abusive parents puts a person at an increased risk of developing an eating disorder. Research shows that there is a link between toxic home environments and using food as an unhealthy coping mechanism.²
• Sleep disturbances: The constant state of arousal due to stressful family dynamics may lead to insomnia and other sleep issues. This can lead to fatigue, difficulty concentrating, and irritability during the day.
• Difficulty with trust and relationships: When a parent, who is supposed to be a source of love and support, becomes emotionally abusive, it can be extremely difficult to trust others. It is common for children to develop adult attachment disorders. A person may become hyper-independent from the trauma, and push others away.  Alternatively, they might settle for unhealthy relationships because they don’t believe they deserve better.
• Physical health problems: The chronic stress of emotional abuse can manifest in physical health problems as well. Unexplained, weakened immune systems, headaches, stomachaches, and muscle tension are all common.
• Poor self-confidence: Building self-confidence is difficult when you are frequently told what to do, and how to do it, and then reprimanded for doing it a certain way. Individuals from chaotic, emotionally abusive homes often struggle with decision-making and self-confidence.

How to Recover From Emotionally Abusive Parents

Recovering from the impacts of emotionally abusive parents can be extremely difficult. It requires a combination of professional support, personal boundaries, and self-care practices. By understanding the steps involved in recovery, you can take proactive measures to heal from your childhood trauma.

Here are some tips and worksheets for dealing with an emotionally abusive parent:

Acknowledge the Abuse

An important first step is acknowledging that the abuse has happened. It is not uncommon for children to want to defend their parents or see their best attributes while minimizing or ignoring the abuse that has occurred. Labeling behavior from a parent as emotionally abusive can be a difficult but important initial step in addressing the impact that it has had on you and finding a path forward.

Taking the step to acknowledge emotional abuse can look different for everyone. For some people, it may start with trying to identify the source of struggles they have had, such as anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem. Sometimes it can be difficult for people to recognize parental emotional abuse until someone with an outside perspective points out the behavior or the impact it has on the child.

Validate Your Emotions

Many emotions may come up as a result of emotional abuse, particularly during the initial step of acknowledging the abuse. Examples of this may include feeling sadness, anger, grief, confusion, and more. For children who have endured emotional abuse, it is a frequent occurrence that they have to suppress their feelings or minimize how they feel.

This can take different forms, such as pushing away emotion when it occurs, keeping busy to distract from negative emotion, or tending to the needs of others (often a parent) and ignoring their own emotional needs. Validating and holding space for the variety of feelings you’re experiencing helps pave the way toward healing, rather than minimizing or invalidating these emotions.

Speak to a Therapist or Counselor

Talking to a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma therapy is a critical step in being able to fully heal from emotionally abusive parents. They can offer validation for all the complex emotions you are experiencing and help you challenge the negative beliefs you developed because of the abuse. A trauma-informed therapist or counselor can also help you set boundaries with your toxic parents and develop coping skills for any symptoms of anxiety, depression, or PTSD you may have developed.

If you are still living at home, it can sometimes feel like your situation is inescapable. To mitigate this, talk to an adult at school, such as a social worker, teacher, or guidance counselor. They can help you to find the resources you need, including a therapist, without endangering you.

Prioritize Self-Care

Having emotionally abusive parents can cause immense stress in a person’s life. Practicing all types of self-care can be essential when working through this and help prevent problems from growing worse. For some, self-care might include journaling about their trauma, practicing trauma-informed yoga, or beginning a daily meditation practice. For others, it can look like getting a pedicure, going to see a movie, or making sure to exercise and cook healthy meals. Make time for whatever brings you joy, even if it is only for a couple of minutes.

Set Clear & Firm Boundaries

Setting boundaries with toxic parents can be confusing for children raised in emotionally abusive homes. You might not even know what boundaries are or how to start enforcing them. To identify your needs, start by imagining what makes you annoyed or upset–experiencing these emotions usually indicates a boundary has been crossed.

When setting a boundary, start by clearly communicating your limits using assertive communication. For instance, you might say, “I will not discuss this topic,” or “I need you to leave my home.” Consistently enforce your boundaries and follow through with consequences if they are violated, such as limiting contact or ending conversations.

Here are some boundaries you can set with your emotionally abusive parents:

• Not engaging in toxic communication: You do not need to engage with your parent(s) when they are being passive-aggressive, gaslighting you, or triangulating you against your siblings and other family members. Simply say, “I no longer wish to engage in this conversation,” or “Okay, sounds good, gotta go do homework!” This will help keep you from getting sucked into the manipulation.
• Set physical boundaries: These may include boundaries regarding physical touch from a parent and what you are comfortable or not comfortable with. If living at home with a parent, this may include boundaries around having your own personal space, such as your room, and privacy in it.
• Limit sharing personal information: Deciding how much personal information you are willing to disclose with an emotionally abusive parent can be helpful. This may be an internal boundary you honor with yourself or a boundary you communicate with your parents. Communicating what you will and won’t share can be helpful as a response if a parent continually tries to pressure you to share personal information.
• Set expectations for respectful communication: Defining how you expect to be communicated with and consequences for disrespectful communication if it occurs can be helpful in steering conversations away from negative or abusive behaviors from the parent.
• Not engaging in arguments: If conversations escalate to arguing or yelling, set the boundary of stopping the conversation or walking away to allow a chance for both parties to calm down.
• Feedback boundaries: Setting a boundary on unsolicited feedback from a parent can be helpful for parents who are highly critical, try to control your decision making, or frequently give unwanted advice. This can take different forms but one example may be requesting that advice is not given by the parent unless it is asked for.

Limit Interactions or Contact

For some, contact with their emotionally abusive parents can bring up negative feelings or trigger discomfort. If this sounds like you, it may be best to limit contact with your parents or go no-contact entirely.

If there are times when you will have to engage or interact with parents–such as holidays, birthdays, or other events–consider limiting conversation to a certain amount of time or when other people are present. This will help offer some distance and decrease opportunities for them to act abusively towards you. For example, try decreasing the amount of time you spend in their presence. If you usually stay at their house for six hours on Sundays, decrease it to suit your needs better.  If you still live at home, try to spend more time doing activities with other family members with whom you feel comfortable.

Build a Support Network

When we grow up in dysfunctional environments, our friends often become our chosen family. Surround yourself with people who you feel comfortable with, whoever they are. Many may feel guilty associating with those who their parents would not have approved of, such as people of different faiths, races, or sexualities. However, now is the time to bond with whoever you find joy and happiness with.

Remember, This Is Not Your Fault

Ultimately, it’s most important to remember that your experiences are not your fault. You were powerless to stop or change any abuse you experienced as a child. When you start to notice feelings of self-doubt or guilt, tell yourself, “This was not my fault. I was only a child. I am doing what I need to do to move forward and not repeat the patterns.”

When to Seek Professional Support

If you are struggling to cope with the effects of abuse therapy can help you come to terms with your experiences, decrease residual self-blame, and develop coping skills. Online therapist directories like Grow Therapy allow you to filter therapists by location and expertise, so you can find someone experienced in helping people who have been through abusive relationships and who use trauma-informed approaches. There are also online therapy platforms like BetterHelp and Talkspace that can connect you with experienced therapists virtually.

Therapy options after experiencing emotional abuse from parents include:

• Trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT): TF-CB focuses on identifying and challenging negative thought patterns and behaviors resulting from the abuse. It can provide you with practical skills to manage difficult emotions and negative thoughts stemming from the abuse, making it particularly helpful for those seeking concrete tools for healing.
• Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR): EMDR is a specialized approach for processing and integrating traumatic memories to reduce their negative impact. It can be a powerful therapy if you have PTSD from the abuse or if you struggle to talk about your experiences.
• Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): ACT helps individuals accept their experiences and commit to values-based actions. It can empower you to build a fulfilling life based on your values, not the negativity of the past.
• Family therapy: When appropriate, family therapy can help the whole unit process what occurred and improve communication and relationships. However, family therapy is cautioned against if there is ongoing abuse.
• Attachment-based therapy: Attachment-based therapy focuses on how a person’s early interactions with their parents shaped their attachment style and how it impacts their current relationships. By exploring your attachment style, this therapy can help you explore feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that you have learned to suppress due to childhood trauma.
• Somatic Therapy: Somatic therapy focuses on bodily sensations and physical responses to trauma. It can help you reconnect with your physical sensations and release trauma that gets trapped in the body. It can be especially helpful for those who experience physical symptoms like chronic pain or tension related to emotional abuse.
• Group therapy: In group therapy, people who have a shared experience come together for a group and peer session. This can be beneficial for survivors of emotionally abusive parents who feel isolated and shamed due to their experiences. Group therapy can provide you with a supportive community of individuals who can offer validation, shared learning, and mutual support.