Feelings regarding porn are subjective, so deciding whether watching porn is cheating depends on the couple. Having open communication with your partner about your boundaries is important when deciding if watching porn is cheating in your relationship. Letting your partner know what your healthy expectations are leads to feeling more trust and security.
Is Porn Cheating?
There is no concrete answer to the question of whether or not watching porn is cheating. Porn may not be considered infidelity unless you and your partner have specified that it is for the two of you. This is really for you as a couple to make that decision on what your rules and limitations are for you to have a healthy relationship. Porn can be a trigger for some people, depending on their past or current experiences.
Watching porn may be done in private and in secrecy, which can be harmful to the relationship, while others may use it as a way to get in the mood with their partner. Watching porn can be healthy when partners agree to view it together and both want to use it to enhance their relationship. Some positive effects of pornography can include improved sexual communication, more sexual experimentation, and enhanced sexual comfort.1
Pornography Addiction: Signs, Symptoms, & Treatment A growing number of people struggle with problematic porn use. Compulsive and excessive porn use can have serious negative impacts on your relationships and lives. For those ready to recover, learning healthy coping skills from a professional can lead to a healthier, happier life.
Why Do Some People Consider Viewing Porn Cheating?
Some people may consider viewing porn cheating when their partner is engaging with porn behind their back, and they may feel like they are being left out of an intimate moment. If you feel like your partner is keeping this a secret from you, then you may feel cheated on. You may start to lose trust in your partner and feel that they do not value you if they aren’t willing to disclose this to you. If one partner is watching porn and the other partner does not approve, then they could consider it cheating.
Here are some potential scenarios in which watching porn could be cheating:
- When it becomes a substitute for real intimacy
- When it becomes a secret
- When it feels like betrayal
- When there are no boundaries
When Can Watching Porn Become a Problem?
Porn can become a problem when one partner becomes dependent on it and uses it compulsively for their own enjoyment without their partner. If watching porn takes you away from your sex life as a couple, potentially leading to excessive masturbation or even a porn addiction, then it is likely an issue.2 Excessive porn use can even lead to depression for some.
If you notice that your sex life or forms of affection are being impacted and the frequency of sex has lessened, then you may start to be concerned. You may also observe changes in your partner’s daily behaviors, such as becoming distracted and not being able to focus on their responsibilities with work-related tasks, as well as family tasks or plans. This may become a problem if you feel your partner is neglecting you and you’re feeling lonely in the relationship because of it.
Here are some signs that porn is hurting your relationship:
- Feeling shame
- Feeling lonely
- Feeling rejected
- Feeling inadequate
- Feeling lied to
- Feeling symptoms of depression
- Feeling that behaviors are changing
- Feeling it is becoming a compulsive habit
What to Consider If Your Partner Watches Porn
Demonizing watching porn may not be the right approach, as it can cause guilt and resentment in the relationship. Your partner may feel judged in a vulnerable moment. Understanding where this behavior comes from can be beneficial for both partners. One may learn that the other is struggling with something deeper, and that may help them to see their partner in a different light. Some people may be using pornography to fulfill unmet needs, including feeling unsatisfied in the relationship, dealing with a sexual addiction, sexual performance anxiety, curiosity, or having a partner who is unwilling to engage in specific sex acts.3
Speaking with your partner by using open and honest communication may help encourage your partner to express their needs and wants. Honesty was found to be an integral factor in a relationship when talking about porn.4 It was found that men whose partners knew they watched porn reported that it was easier for them to talk about sex with their partner.5
If one partner feels they can openly discuss their motivation behind watching porn, that may make it easier for the couple to move forward with new boundaries so they feel closer regarding this behavior. Don’t be afraid to share your insecurities and your concerns, and be open to discussing the boundaries that you both can commit to in the relationship.
Do I Need Therapy? 25 Signs & Benefits to Consider We’ve all asked ourselves this question at some point in our life. Therapy provides a non-judgmental space to deal with stress, anxiety, depression, trauma, relationship issues and more. Therapists can help you explore the issues troubling you, learn healthy and effective coping skills, and improve your quality of life.
How to Talk to Your Partner About Watching Porn
Having an open discussion with your partner will help you both learn more about each other and deepen the relationship. If you work to understand your partner, you will both feel heard and validated in your emotions. Sharing your concerns can help your partner recognize why the act of watching porn may be impacting the relationship.
When you take time to understand your own feelings first, you will be able to express them better and more calmly to your partner. You may also want to be mindful of the situation and setting. Make sure you choose a time of day that you both feel calm and can use this time to discuss those concerns in a positive way.
Here are some potential ways to start a structured conversation when you’re concerned about your partner’s porn use:
- Use “I” statements when expressing your emotions
- Keep an open mind so your partner does not feel judged
- Allow your partner to explain the whole situation before responding
- Provide clear and concise boundaries for you and your relationship
- Find a compromise that meets the expectations and needs for both partners
What to Do If You & Your Partner Disagree on Watching Porn
Depending on how you and your partner feel individually and as a couple may determine how you resolve this issue. Watching porn together instead of keeping it a secret may help it become a time where you both connect on a more intimate level and remove shame from the activity.
How Couples Therapy Can Help
If you and your partner disagree on porn, it would help to seek couples therapy. Having therapists help couples learn how to modify the pornography patterns rather than simply addressing attitudes about them has been found to be beneficial.6 Therapy can provide healthy coping skills for the couple such as communication skills, conflict-resolution skills, and new ways to improve intimacy. A therapist can help you determine the nature and context of the pornography use to determine the treatment and recovery approach.7 In one study of couples dealing with pornography use, cognitive behavioral therapy was also shown as the primary intervention for behavioral change.8
A therapist may also help by being a neutral third party, allowing each partner to express their wants and needs and providing ways to help the couple come to a healthy compromise. Some therapy goals may include having each partner feel validated and feel their partner is being intentional by putting effort into the relationship. If you feel that your sex life has been affected by porn use, you may also benefit from sex therapy, individually and/or as a couple.
If you’re ready to find a couples counselor who fits your needs, try an online therapist directory where you can filter for couples therapists in your area. While therapy can feel intimidating, there are a lot of steps you and your partner can take to prepare for couple’s counseling, like being on the same page about why you’re attending and understanding what outcomes you’d like to achieve.
Final Thoughts on Porn in Relationships
If you feel porn is becoming an issue in your relationship, share your concerns with your partner. Communication is key if you want to feel more connected to your partner. You and your partner should decide what is right for each of you individually and as a couple. Once you both feel confident in your decisions you can make any changes that feel right to both of you.
Is Porn Cheating Infographics
Additional Resources
To help our readers take the next step in their mental health journey, ChoosingTherapy.com has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. ChoosingTherapy.com is compensated for marketing by the companies included below.
BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – Whether you’re feeling uneasy in your relationship, trying to rebuild trust, or working on forgiveness – a licensed therapist from BetterHelp can guide you. BetterHelp will ask you about the things you want to work on and what you’re looking for in a therapist. BetterHelp starts at $65 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Visit BetterHelp
OurRitual – Infidelity can shatter your world. OurRitual combines expert-led sessions with science-backed digital exercises to improve your relationship on your terms. OurRitual starts at just $45 per week. Get 20% off your first month with code: choosingtherapy20. Visit OurRitual
Talkspace (Counseling For Overcoming Adultery) – Talkspace offers you and your partner the support and structure you need. It’s private, convenient, and affordable. Talkspace also accepts Medicare in some states. The average copay is $15, but many people pay $0. Get Started
OurRelationship (Free Couples Course) – OurRelationship has been proven to help couples improve communication, intimacy, and trust. 94% would recommend it to a friend. Get Started
Best Online Marriage & Couples Therapy Options Marriage and couples therapy can be helpful and a worthwhile investment for couples who want to seek help with their relationship. Which online platform will work best for you will depend on what issues you want to work on, what your goals are for your relationship, the cost, and if it’s available in your state. OurRelationship - Free Relationship Course
