What to Do If You Think Your Parents Hate You

Do My Parents REALLY Hate Me?

As a therapist who works with survivors of family trauma, not a week goes by when I do not hear someone exclaim, “my parents hate me.” While this is a common concern, especially in adolescence, sometimes it is not a cause for concern.

Life stressors, such as traumas and mental illness, can lead a parent to act in cold or dismissive ways to a child, often resulting in unintentional harm. Although not done with intent, these behaviors can cause their children to worry about their love for them.

Factors that may make you feel like your parents hate you often include:

• Physical abuse: Being hit or harmed physically is traumatic, and can cause children to fear their parents, rather than trust them. Physical punishment, while normalized in some cultures and generations, is viewed by many as abusive and highly correlated with negative developmental outcomes.¹
• Emotional Abuse: Much like physical abuse, emotional abuse from parents causes harm to a child’s emotional development, causing impairments to self esteem and self image. In turn, their attachment and relationship to their caregivers is impaired, leading many children to worry that their caregivers dislike them.
• They compare you to your siblings/cousins: When you are constantly compared to others, it sends the message that you are not good enough. Many children are not allowed to do certain things because of their older siblings’ mistakes. Likewise, many feel unable to live up to their siblings’ accomplishments ,despite their parents’ expectations for them to do so.
• They struggle with their own emotional or mental health issues: When parents struggle with mental health issues, this will come out in their parenting. Even while unintentional, any coldness, dismissiveness, or bizarre and scary behaviors can make children feel unsafe or unloved.
• They are emotionally absent: Childhood emotional neglect is found to be just as harmful as other forms of neglect or abuse, yet its effects are often difficult to notice. Many children from emotionally neglectful families grow up feeling empty or unloved, without understanding why.²
• They are physically absent: When a parent is physically absent due to work, physical distance, or incarceration, many children internalize this and blame themselves. Unable to understand why the parent is not physically present, they feel they are unlovable or unloved.
• They are in denial about your childhood trauma: When a child’s trauma or abuse is denied by a parent, it can be further traumatizing. For example, if a child is sexually abused by a babysitter or another family member, and the parent(s) do not believe them, the child will often internalize this as self blame or self hatred, believing the family does not support or love them.

Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship With Parents

Saying “my parents hate me” is often a rite of passage for adolescents, and might not point to anything unhealthy. However, sometimes it can point to dysfunctional family patterns. When we start to look at the ways in which our caregivers or parents are toxic, it is common to internalize a sense of being unloved. This only further exacerbates any feelings of discomfort and disconnection one feels from their parents.

Signs your relationship with your parents is unhealthy often include:

• Communication feels uncomfortable or confusing:  Communication in dysfunctional families is typically filled with gaslighting, triangulation, passive aggressive behaviors, and other manipulation tactics that foster these unhealthy dynamics.
• They gang up on members of the family:  Without healthy boundaries, members of the family–including adults–will “gang up” on other members, instead of handling conflict in a healthy way.
• They use you as a therapist or surrogate spouse: Parents who have poor boundaries will use their children or other family members as emotional support. This is unhealthy for children who do not yet have the maturity to understand how to cope with adult issues.
• They continuously put you down: Families who insult or put down members of the family are engaging in emotional abuse.
• They ignore your boundaries: When children are not able to have expectations of privacy, and not allowed to decide not to participate in uncomfortable situations or conversations, this sends the message that their needs are not important.
• Their love feels conditional: In order to feel safe and secure, children will expect their parents to love and support them no matter what. Mistakes are a part of growing up, but if they result in severe consequences, or make a parent turn away from a child emotionally, then this sends a hateful message.
• Their rules are unfair or inconsistent: Families who engage in dysfunctional patterns often have rules that change depending upon the parents mood, or are unfair and unrealistic, based on the child’s age or ability.  This creates a confusing message, and can make children feel unstable and unloved.

10 Tips for What To Do If You Think Your Parents Hate You

Many wonder what to do when they believe that their parents hate them. Identifying the reasons behind your parents’ behaviors can help you determine if the relationship is healthy or not, and if it is safe to try and improve it. While these tips will apply differently if you still live under your parents’ roof, the following tips should give you a guide of what to do.

Below are 10 tips for what to do if you think your parents hate you:

1. Separate Any Bad Behavior from Behavioral Consequences

Many young people feel that if their parents discipline them for disobeying rules within the family, it means that they do not like them. It is important to remember that there is a difference between punishment and abuse.  When fair and age-appropriate, rules are set in place to keep children safe and to teach them responsibility. For example, your parents might take away your phone for a specified amount of time if you have been skipping your homework, but that doesn’t mean they hate you. If you are worried that your punishments are abusive, please discuss with a trusted adult or school social worker/counselor.

2. Identify What Is Causing Their Behavior

As hard as it can be to think about, oftentimes our parents’ behaviors are caused by their own stressors, leading them to project their own emotional turmoil or fears onto their children. Some parents are struggling with their own traumas or mental health concerns, or they might have an attachment disorder and struggle to form bonds with others.

While this does mean that their actions may be unintentional, it does not mean that you are to blame for any dysfunctional or abusive actions that take place. Adults are all responsible for their own actions, no matter the reasons behind them. However, understanding why a parent is behaving in a certain way can sometimes help you view them from a different perspective and can help you avoid blaming yourself.

3. Approach Communication Differently

Using healthy communication methods can help a person better communicate with their parents, and express how they are feeling. Some ways to do this include decreasing the amount of opportunities for negative communication or arguments. This can be accomplished by walking away from the conversation, using “I” messages, or taking a breath before responding to a difficult question or topic. Using “I”statements might look like, “I feel frustrated about this situation,” or “I feel scared when you yell.” This can help your parents from getting defensive.

Additionally, actively listening can help. You can do so by maintaining eye contact, nodding, and responding affirmatively when someone is talking. Showing the other person that you are actively listening to them might decrease their defensiveness Moreover,  Taking a breath before responding can help keep you from responding impulsively and saying something that you might later regret.

If possible, walk away when a conversation becomes uncomfortable: In many toxic environments, arguments can quickly become intolerable or even unsafe. Although this is undoubtedly easier if you do not live with your parents, leave an argument as soon as you start to feel overwhelmed.

4. Identify External Supports

Seek the support of a mental health counselor or therapist. If you are still in school, ask to speak to the school social worker about your concerns. Your conversation will be kept confidential (unless your safety is at stake). If you are an adult, seek the support of a mental health clinician to help you process and explore these feelings.

5. Seek Opportunities for Positive Interactions with them

Having more positive, or even neutral interactions with your family, can help you improve your relationship with them. If they are watching a movie, watch with them. Or, offer to help make dinner and see where this leads. Increasing neutral interactions can work to decrease negative interactions.

6. Address Issues with the Person Directly

Using healthy ways of addressing topics–such as discussing any issues with the person directly rather than behind their back–can help decrease chances of triangulation or other unhealthy communication dynamics.

7. Remember that None of This Is Your fault!

A lot of survivors of family trauma experience thoughts of self-blame due. It is important to remember that you were not responsible for any unhealthy behaviors inside your home, and you were powerless to stop or change many of them.

8. Identify Healthy Family Members or Friends for Support

Chances are, if you feel that your family is dysfunctional or unhealthy, there is likely someone else who has noticed the same problems. Maybe this is a sibling, a cousin, family friend, or godparent.  Ask to spend more time with them, as this will help provide you with positive support

9. Find an Outlet

Find an outlet for expelling any stress that comes from engaging in uncomfortable or difficult conversation with family members. Engaging in self-care will help decrease and combat any negative emotions that arise.

10. Set Proper Boundaries

If there is a topic that you are uncomfortable discussing–such as your spiritual beliefs or romantic interests–and your family is pressuring or making fun of you, you have the right to refuse to participate further. Your boundaries are the limits you set for your own emotional, physical, and mental health that people cannot cross.

When to Seek Professional Help

If you are dealing with the negative effects of dysfunction or abuse from your parents, you may benefit from therapy. Therapy will also help you address any internalized self-loathing or negative self-talk associated with mistreatment from your parents. If you still live at home, therapy can offer you the tools to work through the frustration you might feel and improve communication with caregivers. If you no longer live at home, and are struggling with whether or not you would like to repair the relationship with your family, therapy can help you with this, too.  It is important to find the right therapist who can provide the psychotherapy techniques that best suit you. You can do this by searching in an online therapist directory.

Therapy options to consider if you think your parents hate you include:

• Cognitive processing therapy (CPT): This form of therapy is good for those who need support with processing and working through their distressing thoughts, especially if they are unable to express them at home.
• Family therapy: When the entire family is ready and willing to support one another through growth, family therapy can be an excellent tool for learning how to improve communication within the family unit.
• Interpersonal therapy: This form of therapy is attachment focused and helps to improve interpersonal relationships by offering options to resolve issues or conflicts.
• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT allows a person to learn how their thoughts affect their behaviors. It can be helpful to break down things that make you anxious or worried, and learn to change them.
• Emotionally focused therapy: This form of therapy focuses on how emotions affect behaviors, and therefore relationships. It can be good for improving self-awareness.
• Holistic therapy: This form of therapy looks at the whole person: spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally. It explores how all of the pieces come together. It can be great for improving communication by learning how all of the parts of an individual affect the other parts.

Final Thoughts

Our early experiences with our caregivers affect how we view and experience the world. Life experiences shape how our brains organize information and function, so every perception we have is unique to us.³ You may feel like your parents hate you, but becoming aware of unhealthy patterns, and making an effort to change them, can help keep you from repeating the same behaviors. Seek the support of a licensed therapist who specializes in similar family dynamics if you are struggling to heal from the effects of having dysfunctional or hurtful parents.