18 Signs of Toxic Parents & How to Deal With Them

What Is a Toxic Parent?

Every parent makes mistakes and occasionally says or does the wrong thing. However, a toxic parent is someone whose behavior creates an unhealthy and often harmful environment for their child. This can involve a range of negative behaviors, like constant criticism, manipulation, emotional neglect, or even physical abuse. Toxic parents often fail to provide the love, support, and boundaries that children need to thrive. It’s important to understand that toxicity can come from any parent figure, whether it’s a biological parent, step-parent, adoptive parent, or foster parent.^{1, 2}

18 Signs of Toxic Parents

Toxic parenting can come in many forms. Often, toxic parents show behaviors that harm their child’s emotional well-being and personal growth. They might consistently lack empathy, excessively control their child’s actions, manipulate or guilt-trip them, and behave unpredictably, switching between being affectionate and hostile. Recognizing these signs is a crucial step in understanding and healing from the impacts of a toxic upbringing.

Here are eighteen common signs of toxic parents:

1. They’re Violent & Physically Abusive

Toxic parents may resort to violent acts like hitting, kicking, or choking their children when angry. In turn, children often develop fear, anxiety, and anger. Some parents believe that violence can be a way to “teach” children; however, this is false. Violence has severe emotional and physical consequences on children and negatively affects the relationship.

2. They’re Verbally & Emotionally Abusive

Abuse includes more than physical violence. Toxic parents may also be verbally abusive and/or emotionally abusive as a way to take power and control. Verbal and emotionally abusive parents belittle their children’s self-esteem by calling them names and purposefully embarrassing them in public. They also will use parental gaslighting tactics to get what they want. Though there’s no physical evidence of this type of abuse, and it can be harder to spot, it is just as harmful.

3. They Put Their Needs Before Their Children’s

Toxic parents often prioritize their own needs, desires, and wants before those of their children. They may take care of their basic necessities first and address their children’s last. This self-centered behavior can lead to physical or childhood emotional neglect, as the child’s needs for care, attention, and affection are consistently overlooked. Neglectful parenting is a common sign of narcissistic parents and is particularly harmful for infants and young children who are not capable of caring for themselves

4. They’re Controlling

Controlling parents can become overly involved in their children’s lives to the point that it limits the child’s freedom, independence, and individuality. They may also expect their children to be obedient at all times. Though teaching children to respect authority is a necessary part of parenting, it’s normal for children to question and push back on their parent’s authority. Healthy parents handle this by staying firm yet loving; toxic parents overreact when their authority is challenged and may resort to aggression.

5. They’re Manipulative

Toxic parents can be very emotionally manipulative. They might use emotional tactics to get their way, like flattering or guilt-tripping their children to get them to do what they want. Unfortunately, they often think this behavior is normal and acceptable. As a result, children who grow up with manipulative parents might struggle with recognizing and dealing with manipulation in their own relationships. It can take a lot of effort to unlearn these patterns and develop healthier ways of interacting with others as adults.³

6. They Use Harsh Forms of Punishment

Discipline is a healthy parenting tool when used correctly; however, toxic parents often resort to harsh forms of punishment that are more dangerous and severe than warranted. For example, a toxic parent may hit a child for not completing their chores. Harsh punishment might also be verbal and emotional, like belittling a child who comes home with a bad grade. This authoritarian approach to parenting creates a fear-based environment where children feel constantly anxious and unable to express themselves.

7. They Expect You to Admire Them

Another sign of a toxic, narcissistic parent is their need for constant admiration. They expect their children to praise and admire them all the time, and if they don’t get that, they can become angry and manipulative. These parents rarely give the same kind of praise and admiration back to their children, which can be really hurtful and confusing.

8. They’re Sexually Inappropriate or Ignore Sexual Abuse

A serious and extremely harmful sign of a toxic parent is sexual inappropriateness with their child. This can include sexual acts, molestation, or exposing the child to inappropriate sexual content, all of which are considered sexual abuse. Additionally, toxic parents might ignore or dismiss sexual abuse by others, failing to protect or believe their child. These behaviors are incredibly damaging, causing severe emotional and psychological harm.

9. They’re Jealous of Your Other Relationships

Your toxic parents may feel jealous when you develop close relationships with other people. They could perceive these other close relationships as threats. In some cases, they may resort to unhealthy tactics like manipulation to feel closer to you. In extreme cases, they could even try to end your relationships so they no longer feel threatened.

10. They’re Unsupportive

Toxic parents tend to be unsupportive of their children’s choices, interests, and accomplishments. Instead of encouraging you or celebrating your achievements, they might ignore or belittle them. This could be because they’re jealous, want to control you, or just don’t care about your interests.

11. They Cross Boundaries

Toxic parents overstep boundaries. They may call excessively, drop by unannounced, or befriend other people in their child’s life to get closer to them. This constant intrusion can be overwhelming and stressful, making it hard for children to feel a sense of independence or privacy.

12. They Take Their Emotions Out on You

Toxic parents may use their children as an outlet for their emotions. For example, they may take their anger toward their spouse out on their children. This can be painful and confusing for children and fails to teach them healthy ways of managing their emotions.

13. They’re Easily Offended

Toxic parents are often easily offended, taking any difference in opinion as a personal attack. Consequently, the child learns to keep their thoughts to themselves to avoid negative consequences. For example, they might avoid talking about politics or religion because they know their parents will get upset. This environment stifles open discussion and learning, making it hard to share ideas and grow.³

14. They Overshare About Private Matters

Toxic parents often overshare private matters, discussing inappropriate or sensitive topics with their children that they shouldn’t. They might talk about their personal problems, financial issues, or intimate details about their relationships. This kind of oversharing can be really uncomfortable and confusing for kids, who aren’t equipped to handle such adult topics. It can blur the boundaries between parent and child and often leads to parentification, where children feel responsible for their parents’ emotional well-being, taking on roles and responsibilities that are far beyond their years.

15. They’re Overly Critical of You

Toxic parents may be overly critical of your thoughts, emotions, or actions. Instead of offering support and encouragement, they focus on your flaws and mistakes, constantly putting you down. This relentless criticism can make you feel like you’re never good enough, chipping away at your self-esteem and confidence.

16. They Blame Others Instead of Being Responsible for Themselves

Toxic parents often blame others instead of taking responsibility for their own actions. Whenever something goes wrong, they point fingers at everyone else, including their children, rather than owning up to their mistakes. This can make you feel unfairly burdened and guilty for things that aren’t your fault.

17. They’re Enmeshed With You

Toxic parents often become enmeshed with you, meaning they blur the boundaries between their own lives and yours. They might treat you like an extension of themselves rather than an individual with your own needs and desires. They become overly involved in your personal affairs, make decisions for you, and expect you to fulfill their emotional needs. This can result in enmeshment trauma, where it becomes hard to develop a healthy sense of independence and can create a lot of emotional strain.³

18. They Ask You to Take Sides

Toxic parents often put you in the uncomfortable position of having to take sides, especially during conflicts with other family members. They might try to turn you against the other parent or pit you against siblings, forcing you to choose loyalties. This kind of behavior creates a lot of stress and confusion, making it hard to maintain healthy relationships with your family.

Effects of Being Raised By Toxic Parents

Being raised by toxic parents can have profound and lasting effects on a person’s emotional and psychological well-being. They might struggle with low self-esteem because they’ve internalized negative messages from their parents. They are also likely to have trouble trusting others or setting healthy boundaries. Additionally, being raised by toxic parents can lead to mental health issues like depression and anxiety, as well as increase the risk of substance abuse.^{4, 5}

Potential effects of being raised by toxic parents can include:^{2, 4, 5}

• Low self-esteem and negative self-talk: When toxic parents constantly criticize and belittle you, it’s hard not to develop low self-esteem and a lack of confidence. Additionally, internalizing the negative messages from toxic parents can lead to a constant stream of negative self-talk.
• Anxiety and depression: Growing up with toxic parents who create a stressful and abusive environment can lead to anxiety and depression as a child and into adulthood.
• Relationship problems: Toxic parents can make it difficult to learn how to form and maintain healthy relationships, whether with friends, family, or romantic partners. If your parents were manipulative or betrayed your trust, it can be challenging to trust others, and you may develop attachment trauma.
• Emotional dysregulation: Toxic parents who invalidate your feelings can make it hard to regulate your emotions, leading to frequent outbursts or emotional numbness.
• Perfectionism: If toxic parents set unrealistically high standards and are never satisfied, you might become a perfectionist to gain their approval or avoid their criticism.
• Boundary issues: Toxic parents often ignore or disrespect personal boundaries, which can make it hard for you to set and respect boundaries in your own life, leading to codependency or isolation.
• Substance abuse: Growing up in a toxic environment can lead some people to turn to drugs or alcohol as a way to cope.
• Physical health problems: The chronic stress caused by toxic parenting can contribute to physical health issues like gastrointestinal problems, headaches, and a weakened immune system.
• Career Issues: Toxic parents who undermine your confidence or abilities can make it difficult to deal with authority figures, fear failure, and struggle with professional success.
• People-pleasing and fawning: Growing up with toxic parents might lead you to prioritize others’ needs over your own to avoid conflict or gain acceptance, sometimes resulting in a fawning trauma response.
• PTSD or complex PTSD: Severe trauma from toxic parenting can lead to PTSD or complex PTSD, with symptoms like flashbacks, nightmares, and intense emotional distress.
• Anger issues: Being raised by toxic parents can result in unresolved anger, leading to frequent anger outbursts and even anger towards your parents continuing into adulthood.

Understanding and healing from these effects involves recognizing the impact of your upbringing, challenging these internalized beliefs, and learning healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.

How to Deal With Toxic Parents as Adults

Dealing with a toxic parent is difficult. Depending on their level of toxicity, you may choose to go no-contact altogether. In other cases, you may try to work with them to develop a healthier relationship. Either way, you must do what is best and healthiest for you.

Here are some effective tips and worksheets for dealing with toxic parents in adulthood:

Remember That Your Feelings & Experiences Are Valid

If you’ve been raised by toxic parents, you might question your own thoughts or feelings about your childhood and your family’s dysfunction. You may have been made to feel like your emotions were wrong. Remember that whatever you think and feel is your experience and deserves to be recognized. Your family may not be able to support you in this, but you can give yourself this recognition.

Set Healthy Boundaries & Stick to Them

Boundaries are set to protect the people involved in relationships. They are essential. The type of boundaries you choose to set with your parents will depend on your specific situation, such as limiting your contact with a parent to once a week. You must also communicate your boundaries clearly and respectfully and hold firm, even if the other person pushes back.

How to Set Boundaries - Free Worksheet

Setting boundaries allows you to communicate more effectively, protect your well-being, and build stronger relationships.

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Stop Trying to Change Them

It’s completely natural for children to wish they could turn their parents into the loving and supportive figures they need. But here’s the hard truth: you can’t change someone else, no matter how much you want to. Accepting this can actually be really empowering. Instead of trying to change your parents, focus on what you can control—like how you react to their toxicity and how much you choose to have them in your life. Put your energy into managing your own expectations and making choices that are healthy for you. Stay focused on what you can change.

Be Mindful of How Much You Share With Them

Being mindful of how much you share with your toxic parents is really important. When you open up too much, you might find that they use the information against you or make you feel worse about your situation. By carefully choosing what you share, you protect yourself from unnecessary stress and disappointment. It’s about setting boundaries to keep yourself emotionally safe. You don’t have to tell them everything, especially if you know they won’t be supportive or will react negatively. For example, you may decide to avoid certain topics altogether, like your love life or your political views.⁴

Practice Self-Care

Taking care of yourself is incredibly important when dealing with toxic parents. It’s like making sure your own cup is full, so you have the strength to handle whatever comes your way. Self-care can include anything from practicing mindfulness and exercising to enjoying hobbies or simply getting enough rest. These activities help you recharge and cope with the stress and emotional ups and downs. Make an effort to do at least one positive and healthy activity for yourself each day to alleviate stress.

Self-Care Inventory Worksheet

Take an inventory of self-care activities you do well, explore new self-care activities and find potential opportunities to feel better.

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Create an Alternative Support System

Typically, our parents are a huge source of support, and when you have toxic parents, it can feel incredibly challenging and isolating. That’s why creating an alternative support system can be so helpful. Friends, mentors, or community leaders can offer you the empathy and validation you might not be getting at home. Having reliable, caring people in your life can significantly reduce the negative impact of your parents’ behavior.

Get Additional Support if Needed

Sometimes, you may feel like you don’t have enough support to handle the stress of dealing with your toxic parents. In these cases, seeking help from a therapist or counselor can be incredibly beneficial. They can provide you with specific tools and techniques to manage your interactions and emotional responses. For example, a therapist might teach you communication strategies to help you assert your boundaries more effectively or mindfulness practices to reduce stress and stay grounded during difficult encounters. They can also help you to recognize and reframe cognitive distortions and practice self-compassion.

Aside from individual therapy, you could join a support group specifically for children of toxic, narcissistic, or alcoholic parents. If you struggle with anxiety, depression, or substance abuse, there are also targeted support groups available, both online and in-person, that can provide valuable resources and a sense of community.

Focus on Your Own Growth

Dealing with toxic parents can be incredibly draining, but it’s important to focus on your own personal growth and development. Invest time in activities that help you grow, whether it’s through education, hobbies, or personal projects. Focusing on your growth can help you build a stronger sense of self and reduce the impact of your parents’ toxicity.

Free Personal Strengths Inventory Worksheet

Creating a personal strengths inventory can be a powerful tool to combat self-criticism and negative self-talk.

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When to Seek Professional Support

If you find that the stress and emotional pain from the relationship are impacting your daily life, mental health, or overall happiness, it’s time to reach out for help. Signs such as persistent anxiety, depression, difficulty functioning at work or school, or strained relationships with others are indicators that professional support could be beneficial.

You can use a local therapist directory to find a specialist who addresses your specific concerns and accepts your insurance. Alternatively, online therapy services offer accessible and flexible options for professional help. If growing up with toxic parents has impacted your ability to develop secure relationships, ReGain focuses specifically on relationship counseling, which can help you build healthier connections.