Consensual Non-Consent: Are CNC Kinks Normal?

Are CNC Kink Fantasies Normal?

The question about whether a particular kink is “normal” is inherently unfair. In human sexual behavior, few things exist that fall strictly in the black-and-white category of normal or not normal. It can be easy to kink-shame someone for their interests. The important question to ask is not if a kink is “normal,” but rather, is it being executed or acted upon healthily and responsibly? If the kink is causing harm to another person or living creature, then the answer is no, that kink is not healthy and should not be acted upon.

It is difficult to find research regarding CNC kinks specifically, however, recent research has discussed some findings regarding BDSM as an umbrella subject. For example, a 2017 study found that nearly 50% of over 1,000 adults surveyed in Belgium reported engaging in at least one BDSM-related activity. Additionally, this study found that 22% of individuals responded that they had at least fantasized about engaging in a BDSM activity even if they had never participated.¹

Historically, BDSM has been thought of as a sadistic or even psychotic practice. Research has found that engagement in BDSM is more tied to enjoyment and recreational leisure than any psychopathic tendencies.² Because of this history, there can be sexual shame involved in any kink associated with BDSM. Like many past misconceptions about human behavior, it is important to work through any shame or guilt that might arise associated with these sexual fantasies that have been historically considered taboo or harmful.

Sex therapy can be one useful method for processing these feelings if they arise. If sexual fantasies related to pain or humiliation are causing psychological, emotional, or relationship distress, it may be helpful to seek professional help for sexual masochism disorder. Again, the key factor that distinguishes healthy sexual fantasies from unhealthy sexual fantasies is whether or not these fantasies are causing harm or distress to an individual or others.

Criticisms of Consensual Non-Consent

Many sexual kinks or fantasies under the BDSM umbrella have been historically linked to scrutiny, guilt, and shame. One criticism has been around the assertion that a CNC kink is somehow related to the experience of past trauma, however, this claim seems to have little evidence behind it. A recent article discusses the importance of the role of pleasure in alternative sexual practices and how the experience of pleasure can color an individual’s perspectives regarding consent violation with a focus on individuals identifying as LBGTQ+.³ Furthermore, because of the stigma around alternative sexual practices, the authors of this study assert that individuals may be less likely to discuss consent violations within this context.

Main criticisms of CNC include:

• Makes light of actual sexual assault or trauma: Some people might misunderstand a CNC kink as undermining the experience of sexual assault or trauma, though there is not evidence to suggest this is generally the case.
• It’s possible to overstep boundaries: While it is possible to overstep boundaries while engaging in CNC and BDSM activities, if managed responsibly and healthily, this does not need to be the case.
• CNC is one-sided: It might be easy to think that engaging in CNC only benefits the person in a power or dominant role, however, this activity can be mutually enjoyable if both people are enjoying the role they play within the context of the activity.
• CNC perpetuates unhealthy gender stereotypes: It may be easy to assume CNC kinks only happen in a heterosexual context between a man in a dominant role and a woman in a submissive role, but CNC kinks are enjoyed by individuals of all genders and the role of dominant or submissive can be enjoyed by anyone regardless of their gender.

Difference Between CNC & Rape

CNC sex and rape are not the same thing. CNC is a consensually agreed-upon and planned sexual activity, while rape is not consensual and not mutually beneficial to both parties involved. Sexual consent is an ongoing process about the voluntary nature of participation in a particular sexual activity and is a necessary component of any sexual encounter, not just BDSM-related sex. Practicing non-consensual sex in a role play environment allows individuals to engage in sexual fantasies about non consensual sex in a safe and respectful way.

CNC is different from sexual sadism disorder, for example, because of the consensual and safe nature of engaging in CNC activities, whereas the behavior inflicted by someone with sexual sadism disorder is causing harm and distress to that individual or others.

Consensual Non-Consent & Sexual Assault Survivors

Non consensual sex and sexual assault often result in sexual trauma. This means an individual who has experienced non consensual sex or sexual trauma will often experience symptoms of PTSD following the traumatic event. Sexual assault can impact individuals in different and unique ways. It may be the case that some sexual assault survivors enjoy participating in CNC activities. This does not mean that their enjoyment of this activity has any relationship with the traumatic event(s) they experienced. The reasons an individual might enjoy CNC kinks are varied and may or may not have to do with the trauma they experienced.

There is no right or wrong way to process and make sense of sexual trauma and it is important not to make assumptions about someone based on their sexual kinks and trauma history. One study found that survivors of sexual trauma may engage in BDSM activities as a way to reconnect with their bodies in a sexual way as well as to reclaim power in their bodies.⁴ There may also be cultural underpinnings to the enjoyment of CNC kinks for women specifically. For example, sexual blame avoidance is thought to be an experience had by women specifically wherein rape fantasies serve as a means to reduce guilt for experiencing sexual desire in a culture which represses female sexuality.

How to Safely Engage in CNC Play

There are many important components to practicing sexual acts with a partner safely and consensually. Agreeing upon a safe word is one popular method to employ when participating in new or kinky sexual activities wherein one individual might decide they need to stop or otherwise tap out of the activity. Healthy communication enhances romantic relationships because it sets the foundation for building trust and safety, which are necessary parts of a mutually beneficial sexual experience.

Another important discussion to be had around sex before diving into any sexual activity with a partner is to discuss and set boundaries, especially when engaging in CNC or BDSM play. This discussion should include specifics of what behaviors and acts are okay during these sexual encounters and which behaviors and activities are not okay. Developing an aftercare plan might also be part of this process. An aftercare plan is an agreed upon plan by both partners that involves post-sexual activity such as showering together, cuddling or debriefing about a sexual experience.

Creating Boundaries &  BDSM Contracts

Creating boundaries and even drawing-up BDSM contracts are important components in mutually consensual sexual activity that help to avoid instances of sexual coercion. A BDSM contract is a series of expectations and an agreed-upon list of activities associated with a sexual encounter created by two or more people involved in a sexual experience together. Discussing contract terms helps establish concrete limits and ground rules for CNC play. Furthermore, having everything written down before engaging sexually helps to prevent future confusion around what was previously discussed before becoming sexually engaged and eliminates potential future confusion or misunderstandings.

Below are ideas for activities to discuss prior to engaging in CNC play:

• Bondage
• Sex toys
• Spanking
• Penetration
• Biting
• No-zones (areas on the body or ways someone does not want to be touched)
• Communication (ways it is okay to talk to someone or engaging in “dirty talk” during sex)

What If You Try Consensual Non-Consent But Don’t Like It?

Someone might be curious and want to try CNC kink play and then decide they don’t enjoy it or it makes them feel triggered or uncomfortable. It is totally okay to try something and learn that it isn’t for you. It is important to remember there is no guilt or shame in this exploration process. People may even experience a “come down” period after the adrenaline high of engaging in a dopamine-producing activity of kinky sexual activity that could cause them to feel low for a period of time. Remember that this is also okay and seek help from a trusted friend or professional if feelings do not resolve within a few days to a week.

When to Seek Therapy

If sexual activity, sexual behavior or sexual fantasies are causing you or others harm or distress, it is important to seek professional help. You may consider using an online therapist directory to find a sex-positive therapist. If this distress is occurring in the context of a romantic relationship, it may be helpful to seek out couples therapy. You can do specific searches to find a marriage counselor, for example, if experiencing sexual distress within a marriage or committed, long-term partnership.