15 Tips for Setting Boundaries With a Narcissist

Why Are Boundaries With Narcissists Important?

Setting healthy boundaries in any situation is important. It’s especially important when relating to someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or narcissistic traits. Narcissists are focused on getting their own needs met, with little empathy or concern for the others in their lives. They use criticism, judgment, and blaming to put down the other person and maintain control over them. Narcissists also manipulate others and take advantage of the kindness or generosity of others. They sometimes do this by “playing the victim” and appealing to your sympathies when in reality, they are putting you at risk of being a victim of their manipulation and deceit. Having boundaries with a narcissist helps to minimize the harm caused by their words and actions.

A person with harmful narcissistic traits is characterized by low levels of empathy, excessive need for attention, manipulative behavior, and a sense of being entitled to whatever they desire. In contrast, a person with healthy narcissism has a solid sense of self-esteem and can take pride in their own accomplishments without feeling superior to others. They have a positive but realistic view of themselves and don’t intend to control or take advantage of others.

There are four major types of narcissists, as well as people with different narcissistic traits.¹ These have been described as overt, covert, communal, and malignant types, with variants of each type. The types of boundaries needed depend more on the person affected and the type of relationship (boss vs. friend vs. someone you’re dating) than on the type of narcissist. It’s important to consider what is or isn’t acceptable for you in your relationship with the narcissist.

15 Ways to Set Boundaries With a Narcissist

It is possible for a person to effectively set boundaries with a narcissist, whether they are in a dating relationship, friendship, co-worker, or family relationship. It will take time for these boundaries to become effective since the narcissist will probably push back or ignore the boundaries at first. Due to their sense of superiority, they believe the rules don’t apply to them.

Here are 15 tips for setting boundaries with a narcissist:

1. Know What You Will & Will Not Tolerate

Making decisions about what you will and will not tolerate may depend on the type of relationship you have with the narcissist. For example, if the narcissist is a boss, they might be demanding and expect you to work extra hours without extra compensation. You may need to consider how much time you will dedicate to your work and where to draw the line to protect your time off.

If you’re dating a narcissist, you might be frustrated by their chronic lateness, demands on your time, or petty criticisms. You’ll need to decide which behaviors you won’t tolerate and then communicate your limits. For example, if you’re feeling a need to address their criticisms, you might say, “I don’t like how you’re speaking to me, so I won’t talk about that issue with you.” 

2. Recognize When to Say No

It’s important to learn how to say “no” to a narcissist because their requests usually center on what is best for them with little regard for the well-being of the other person. If you’re dealing with a narcissistic parent, it can be particularly difficult. For example, they might disregard your house rules when visiting you. Sticking to your boundaries can include reminding them of what you expect when they’re in your home and asking them to leave if they refuse to adjust. If their violation of your boundaries is extreme, you might consider keeping your distance from them temporarily or even permanently letting go of the relationship. Special challenges also occur when dealing with a narcissistic boss. You might decide to refuse to work overtime.

Narcissists can make suggestions that are far-fetched, irresponsible, or even dangerous. Sometimes, going along with their request is likely to put you at risk of financial problems, such as if they repeatedly ask to borrow money. You might try turning the question around and asking them what they would do in your situation. This can cause them to rethink their request. If not, setting a boundary means being ready to say no to their request, whether they see it as reasonable or not. The main decision should be whether or not doing what they ask for is okay with you. 

3. Don’t Explain Your Choices or Defend Your Decisions

There’s no need to justify your decisions or the limits of what you’ll tolerate. The narcissistic will only see the situation from their own point of view and won’t be able to see it from your perspective. They’re unlikely to recognize when their own behavior has caused problems and will just blame you for the problems. When you try to explain your choices to them, they see your explanation as a sign of your guilt or your mistakes.

When the narcissist accuses you of something, learn to ignore them. Their perception is distorted by their need to be right and to feel superior. If you try to defend your decisions or choices, it will only escalate the argument. Part of your personal growth is learning to trust your own judgment and not rely on the narcissist’s opinion of your decisions. Refraining from justifying things to them is a huge step in that direction.

4. Don’t Engage in Emotional Drama

Narcissists can thrive on emotions and drama. It allows them to feel more in control of the situation and of you. If you can react with indifference and not show your emotions, they might lose interest in the discussion and let it go. This response has been called the Grey Rock Method because you might imagine the gray rock to be invulnerable and dull.

In certain situations, the gray rock response might provoke the narcissist to escalate their anger. For example, if the narcissist is a partner or spouse, they might react strongly to being ignored. If you have any concerns about your physical safety in a relationship, it’s best to work with a therapist before trying this type of boundary setting. 

5. Don’t Personalize Their Comments

Narcissists commonly criticize, judge, and blame the other person as a means of deflecting self-criticism or self-blaming. While they often do it intentionally, sometimes it’s subconscious, and they don’t even acknowledge their own insecurities. It’s second nature for them to find fault with someone other than themselves. It’s important to have compassion for yourself and not take their criticisms as valid feedback about yourself. Maintaining social support and feedback from others is one way to keep the narcissist’s comments from destroying your self-esteem. 

6. Set Consequences and Stick to Them

Being assertive with boundaries requires setting consequences. It’s important to state the limits of what you will tolerate, especially when the narcissist is a family member or someone you’re dating. If you’re not assertive, the narcissist will continue to take advantage of you and use narcissistic manipulation tactics on you. Remember that they assume the rules don’t apply to them. Your actions need to show them that you are serious.

Boundaries are only effective if they include specific consequences. Think about the consequences before you state the boundaries to the narcissist. They will only work if they are consequences that you can stick to and if they are reasonable for you. State the consequence when the boundary is violated, and then act on it in a consistent and predictable way. For example, you may have said, “I need you to stop yelling at me, or I’m going to walk away.” If they continue to yell, it’s critical that you walk away, even if it’s only for 20 minutes or until they calm down. 

7. Know Your Agenda

You might have decided to limit the topics you’re willing to discuss with the narcissist, and they are trying to discuss a different topic by asking you questions or pushing your limits. You don’t have to answer their questions or stay on their topic. One way to shift the focus is to ask them the same question they’ve asked you. And sometimes, it is best to be direct and say that you don’t want to share certain personal details, or that you don’t want to talk about the subject they are pushing.

in advance of a meeting, you might think about what you’d specifically like to get from the conversation so that you’re prepared to stick to your own topic until you’ve gained the necessary information. 

8. Don’t Overshare Personal Information

The narcissist will easily take advantage of any personal information you might share with them. They use this information to know your vulnerabilities better and be able to manipulate you into doing what they want. Another way they use this type of information is to criticize or judge you to maintain their influence or power over you. 

9. Call Them Out on What’s Happening

While you won’t benefit from calling out a narcissist for being “a narcissist”, you may benefit from calling them out on their specific behavior(s) which are harmful or unacceptable to you. Numerous different forms of narcissistic abuse might require a response from you. For example, if they have insulted you, you might say, “That sounded like a put-down,” or “It’s demeaning when you say that about me.” Often, due to their extreme self-focus, the narcissist doesn’t even realize how hurtful their behavior is to you. Pointing out what happened at the moment might increase their awareness and lead them to pause. 

10. Return Focus to Yourself

Returning the focus to yourself may be helpful when you feel frustrated or hurt by the narcissist’s behavior. Let go of your thoughts of how selfish or arrogant they are, although true, and shift your thoughts toward what you need to feel calm and content. Any self-calming exercise can be helpful here, such as deep breathing, muscle tension/relaxation exercises, or mindfulness meditation.

11. Think About Who You Want To Be

Consider the type of person you’d like to be in the relationship or in general. What type of response allows you to keep your self-respect even when dealing with such a difficult person? It may help to consider what your personal values are or what you stand for. For example, if you value kindness or patience, you might be better able to remain more calm when you respond to the narcissist. 

12. Don’t Join Them in Judging Others

It might sometimes be tempting to join the narcissist in criticizing others to gain their good graces toward you. This always fails long-term because it only reinforces the narcissist’s arrogance and habit of making critical comments, and then the narcissist will share or exaggerate what you said to attack others – causing fights and animosity between you and others as well. 

13. Limit the Time and Effort You Put Into the Relationship

Despite all your work setting boundaries with a narcissist, keeping your expectations reasonable is important. They won’t significantly change because of anything you say or do. They might seek help for their own distress if and when they’re ready to face their own life problems. In the meanwhile, significant harm can result from narcissistic abuse. For this reason, you should limit the time and effort you put into the relationship with the narcissist. Continue to build healthy relationships with others for support and enjoyment, as well as for reality checks.

14. Know When To Walk Away

When you set boundaries with a narcissist, you might be repeatedly frustrated and find that the relationship has become intolerable for you. This is your decision, and it’s usually a difficult one to make. It could mean leaving a job you otherwise appreciate or ending a romantic relationship that initially brought you joy. There are some specific guidelines for how to break up with a narcissist and how to leave a toxic relationship.

15. Create an Exit Strategy

Having an exit strategy is important when setting boundaries with a narcissist. Some narcissists are prone to narcissistic rage, which can present a threat to those close to them. This can include intense, angry outbursts with verbal and/or physical aggression and poor self-control. A safety plan for coping with this type of reaction typically includes a financial budget, a place to stay safe from the narcissist, and a network of supportive friends or family.

This requires extra planning if the narcissist is a family member, such as if you’re married to a narcissist. The situation is also complex when the narcissist is a teenaged or adult child. While Narcissistic Personality Disorder isn’t diagnosed until age 18², children as young as age 8 may have narcissistic traits.³ A child under age 18 with narcissistic traits can be managed with empathy, healthy boundaries, and group therapy.

What to Expect When Setting Boundaries With a Narcissist

When a person starts setting boundaries with a narcissist, they should expect the narcissist to push back. They might become angry, more manipulative, more controlling, or completely ignore the boundaries. There are ways to effectively deal with a narcissist when they act out against boundaries, such as seeking social support from friends or family. There are also phrases to disarm the narcissist.

While narcissists do not react well to being labeled as such, some research suggests that they do know how they’re seen by others. The question of “Do narcissists know they’re narcissists?” is unclear, but that awareness wouldn’t likely change their responses to boundaries. They’re generally okay with their reputations and actions as long as their own needs for attention and special treatment are met.

A narcissist may respond to your boundaries by:

• Blaming you for their behavior
• Blatantly ignoring the boundaries
• Playing the victim
• Ignoring you completely
• Getting very angry and acting out in narcissistic rage
• Criticizing you and telling you how much you need them
• Spreading rumors about you to lessen your support from others

Can Therapy Help?

Therapy may be helpful for someone who is struggling to set boundaries with a narcissist. One of the goals of therapy might be to develop more assertive communication skills so that boundaries may be set clearly and firmly. Another benefit is to gain more understanding of how the narcissist tends to think, feel and react. This type of knowledge can be helpful to the degree that it becomes easier to depersonalize the hurtful comments and actions of the narcissist. Finally, therapy provides the much-needed support for the person trying to cope with narcissistic abuse, and determining when they might need to walk away.

A partner of a narcissist might look into couples and marriage counseling, particularly if they can focus on specific behavioral changes rather than general complaints. Also, the narcissist must be willing to participate and gain some insight into their own behavior. If someone wonders, “am I narcissistic?” they might benefit from cognitive-behavioral therapy with specific goals. A person who sees themselves as a narcissist might wonder, “how can someone stop being a narcissist?” 

Some strategies they might work on would include:

• Learning to tolerate criticism and failure
• Understanding and regulating their own feelings
• Becoming more realistic about their goals or the conditions needed to reach their goals
• Practicing empathy
• Practice listening to others
• Practice gratitude
• Learn to recognize what triggers your rage

In My Experience

In my experience, many people come to therapy wondering if they are a narcissist or if someone they know is a narcissist. It is very important to understand that narcissism occurs on a spectrum, from someone with one or two traits (for example, arrogance and attention-seeking), to those with the full personality disorder (NPD). Only about 5% of the population demonstrates enough of the traits to have the full personality disorder.⁴

Someone who exhibits several narcissistic traits frequently and without regard for the consequences for others is unlikely to respond well to the boundaries set by another person. They are also unlikely to respond well to treatment since they’re probably unaware of how their own behavior causes harm to their relationships.

However, most of the population shows some narcissistic traits, at least some of the time. How many people do you know who enjoy being the focus of attention or admiration at least some of the time? How often have you felt frustrated and failed to show empathy for a loved one? When they occur on occasion, these behaviors and other narcissistic traits do not suggest that a person has NPD. If you identify with this behavior pattern or know someone you see this way, there is hope for you and/or that relationship. A combination of setting boundaries, motivation for change, knowledge, and help from a therapist can lead to much better relationships for you.