What Is a Narcissistic Family Structure? 10 Signs & How to Deal

What Is a Narcissistic Family Structure?

Within a narcissistic family, there is usually a specific structure that keeps the homeostasis of the family, thus continuing the enabling of the narcissist. The narcissistic individual can be anyone in the family, but is generally an adult such as a parent or grandparent. This person often has traits of or has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Because the dysfunctional family dynamics center around fulfilling this person’s needs, the needs of everyone else are generally overlooked. Additionally, manipulation tactics such as blaming, disrespect, and gaslighting are commonly utilized in these families, and are used to further the control of the narcissistic individual.

A narcissistic family structure typically includes:

The Narcissist

A narcissist views their family as a “status symbol” that can be used for their own benefit.¹ Within a narcissistic family structure, the narcissistic individual dominates over other members, reigning control and influencing the roles that each family member is given. They are the person who sets the rules for the family, whether implicit or explicit. These rules establish the status of each member, and the narcissist’s mood determines the feeling within the entire household.

The Narcissist’s Enabler

Because a king wouldn’t have any power without their servants, a narcissist would not have as much reign without their enablers. In a narcissistic family, the narcissist enabler is the person who reinforces the power of the narcissist. They do so by engaging in the manipulation of others in the family, assisting with the gaslighting, acting as a “flying monkey”, and pursue other avenues for psychological abuse. They tend to the needs of the narcissist, keeping them happy. In turn, they receive positive reinforcement through the form of praise or other commendations.

Depending on the family dynamics, this person might engage directly in the narcissistic abuse, stand by while it unfolds, or pretend not to notice it at all. But, the main consistency is their reinforcement of the narcissist’s actions by refusing to stop them. This role is filled by anyone in the family who the narcissist feels comfortable with, usually a spouse, child, or their parent.

The Golden Child

The golden child is frequently one that can be easily molded into the narcissist’s image. Whether chosen for their looks, intelligence, or other qualities, this child is usually given the impression that they are somehow better than their siblings. They may believe they are the “chosen one” and can do no wrong. This child is typically the one who represents the family to the public, to further maintain their good public image.

A Narcissistic Scapegoat

As in most dysfunctional families, the scapegoat is the one who everyone blames for the problems and misfortunes within the family. This person is easy to blame, perhaps due to their personality or other circumstances. They are frequently the most outspoken child or person in the family unit, as they may choose to speak back to or question the narcissist. Thus, they are often subjected to “family mobbing.” In these cases, the whole family comes together to dump their problems on the scapegoat, in order to deflect from the larger dysfunction of the family unit.¹

10 Signs of a Narcissistic Family Structure

A narcissistic family structure will often be full of deceit, emotional abuse, and multiple forms of narcissistic manipulation. These dynamics are extremely dysfunctional and harmful for any family members involved, no matter their position or “role” in the family system. Unhealthy communication, poor boundaries, and a need for control are some clear signs that a family is being governed by these maladaptive behaviors.

Below are 10 signs of a narcissistic family:

1. Image Is Everything

A narcissistic family is often obsessed with creating and keeping the “perfect family” image. Despite perfection being unattainable and unrealistic, a narcissist’s illogical false self needs this perfect image in order to present themselves appropriately to the world. Any imperfections are usually blamed on the scapegoat, who is an easy and ready target for the family’s shortcomings.

When every member of the family sticks to their “role” without making any waves, this keeps the narcissistic individual happy and decreases the risk of any narcissistic rage. If someone were to speak up, and let the world know that they are not perfect, then this person would be punished by the narcissist or their enabler.²

2. Lack of Communication

One of the major elements of a dysfunctional family is poor communication, and a narcissistic family takes this to the extreme. Not only is there a lack of communication, but the communication that does take place is often filled with triangulation and gaslighting. These tactics are used to maintain power and control, pit family members against each other, and keep confusion and chaos within the family system. This creates anger, mistrust, confusion, and chaos, thus further maintaining the narcissist’s control.

It is common for punishment tactics such as the silent treatment and other passive-aggressive behaviors to be used, as well. These are implemented if someone acts out of line, such as speaking up against the narcissistic individual or behaving in a way that angers them.

3. No Clear Boundaries

In any healthy social system, families included, boundaries are respected and encouraged. Boundaries are what separates one person from another, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. For example, not touching someone without their consent, not invading their personal space without their consent, and respecting topics that people are not comfortable with.

However, in a narcissistic family there are very few boundaries. Any and all boundaries are often ignored, and there is a lack of privacy for everyone but the narcissist. This is damaging to a family system, because it can create enmeshment trauma. It teaches children that their boundaries will not be respected, and shows them that the world is an unsafe place. This can also cause childhood trauma and additional mental health concerns. Furthermore, it can set children up to be taken advantage of in other interpersonal relationships outside of the family.²

4. Surrogate Spouse

One of the less known family roles in narcissistic families is the role of the “surrogate spouse.” This role, usually given to one of the children, exists to support the narcissistic individual’s emotional needs. Because of this, the child who is the surrogate spouse is often relied on for emotional support and comforting. This places an unfair burden on a child, who is not yet mature enough to handle adult feelings and responsibilities. Children who are surrogate spouses frequently struggle with unresolved anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues.

5. Control Issues

Narcissists often exhibit control issues within the family unit. All families have different rules and expectations for those within the family. For example, some cultures and older generations expect that children do not question adults, as this is seen as disrespectful.

However, respect for elders is much different than the expectations within narcissistic family systems. In these families, no one can question anything–no matter how dysfunctional, bizarre, or uncomfortable something may be. To question is to undermine the authority of the narcissist, which they take as a threat.

6. “Not Good Enough” Messages

When a developing child isn’t provided with unconditional love and value, the child learns that love from their parents only comes if they are “good enough.” Narcissistic families continually send the message that the children are not adequate, which contributes to poor self-esteem, self-image, self-respect, and self-compassion. They may also be taught that they need the narcissist in order to make decisions or to survive because they are taught that they always mess up when they don’t listen to the narcissist and follow their guidance.

7. Unhealthy Competition

In these families, siblings and other family members are often pitted against each other through unhealthy competition. This competition is reinforced through the unhealthy communication, dysfunctional dynamics within the family, and the family roles that are reinforced through the family system. Due to this, many children from these families struggle to develop healthy relationships and attachments with others.

8. Secret Keeping

Secrets are one of the major elements of a narcissistic family system. Each member is expected to keep secrets in order to maintain the ideal public image that is protected. The biggest secret is the fact that the family is dysfunctional, which is hidden at every cost. Deception is reinforced through the family roles, manipulation, and denial that is reinforced by all of the family members.

9. Adults Are Emotionally Reactive

Survivors of narcissistic families understand all too well that the adults frequently behave worse than the children. While it is understandable for children to be emotionally reactive, narcissistic parents often behave this way, with limited insight into their behavior and little remorse for how their behaviors affect others.

10. Blackmail Is Common

Not surprising, your feelings can and will be used against you. Vulnerabilities will be exploited to further the narcissist’s control. If a child shares that they are scared or embarrassed, this can be used against them as a way to establish dominance and remind the child who is in control. Within my practice, I’ve come across clients who have told me about how they shared information with a parent in confidence, only for it to be used publicly to ridicule them as punishment for a recent mishap. Clients are then humiliated, and realize that even their parents were cruel and unsafe.

Long-Term Effects of Narcissistic Family Structures

When a child grows up in a dysfunctional family, this can have long term impacts. Having a parent with a personality disorder like narcissism is particularly harmful for a child, and increases the risk of them developing a personality disorder or mental health concern themselves. These children often end up parentified, insecure, and struggle to make healthy attachments with others.³

Long-term effects of a narcissistic family structure include:

• Distrust of others: This occurs due to exposure to emotional abuse and unsafe and dysfunctional family dynamics.
• Internalized self-loathing: When someone grows up in a narcissistic family, they learn to direct their anger and negative feelings inward, as it is unsafe to share them openly.
• Higher risk of NPD in children: Limited exposure to compassion and empathy–as well as parents treating the golden child like they are better than the other siblings–can heighten the risk for NPD in children.
• Higher risk of unhealthy romantic relationships: Because survivors of narcissistic abuse did not learn how to have healthy relationships, they do not know how to trust their feelings, and they do not understand what red flags to avoid.
• Low self-esteem: When children grow up in emotionally abusive and neglectful environments, there are few opportunities to develop self-esteem and self-worth
• Distrust of authority figures: This is common for people who grew up with a parent who was dysfunctional or abusive. If adults were unsafe and unable to be trusted, it is normal to project this onto other authority figures.
• Self-soothing with food or substances: It is common for a person to soothe the negative feelings that come from traumatic childhood experiences with food or substances.
• Guilt when taking care of own needs: This may occur if a child was shamed for taking care of their own needs, or adults not making this a priority.²

How to Deal with a Narcissistic Family Dynamic

Learning how to deal with narcissistic family members in effective and healthy ways is different for each person, but it almost always involves developing strong boundaries, validating your truth, and decreasing opportunities for conflict  Someone who currently lives within the family will have to try harder to develop strong boundaries, as the close contact allows for more chance of manipulation.

Here are some tips for dealing with a narcissistic family structure:

• Avoid conflict: Narcissistic families thrive on conflict. Practice disengaging and releasing any feelings through journaling or therapy.
• Maintain emotional self-care: This will help keep you emotionally strong to prepare for any triggers or manipulation, and will help you release negative emotions.
• Practice self-compassion: Survivors of family trauma often have limited self-compassion due to a history of not being respected. Practice reversing that, and take time to validate your feelings and learn how to love yourself.
• Maintain strong boundaries: Know what you are and are not comfortable with, and practice sticking to them.
• Recognize and acknowledge feelings of discomfort: In the past, these feelings had to be dismissed or ignored. Acknowledge your truth and refuse to push your emotions away.
• Use strong communication: Keep it Necessary, Emotionless, and Brief—when able and appropriate, view communication in this frame. This will decrease chances for unintended emotional hijacking and manipulation of conversations and situations.

How Therapy Can Improve Narcissistic Family Structures

Many people ask if therapy can help improve narcissistic family structures, or if a narcissist can change. Due to the limited insight that is so pervasive in those with NPD, these people struggle to develop the self-awareness that would be necessary to improve in therapy. But if the individual is committed to change and growth, then healing is possible. If the person is not, family or marriage therapy can be dangerous, and may not be recommended.

Most of the healing usually takes place in the survivors of narcissistic abuse, such as the children. In this case, the goals of treatment usually consist of developing insight into the unhealthy and abusive dynamics, working on improving boundaries and self-esteem, and maintaining personal growth. Seek a therapist who has knowledge of family of origin trauma and narcissistic families.

Therapy options to consider when dealing with a narcissistic family structure include:

• Trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT): TF-CBT is a therapeutic process that uses CBT to address difficulties that stem from traumatic life events.
• Family therapy: This form of therapy is beneficial when the whole family is willing to participate. It helps improve communication and understanding among the whole group.
• Attachment based therapy: This method of therapy specifically focuses on exploring feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that clients have learned to suppress due to childhood trauma. This treatment addresses and explores early attachment experiences.
• Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR): EMDR is a form of therapy that was designed to alleviate the symptoms that come from memories of past traumas. This is great for clients who have post-traumatic stress disorder due to childhood trauma.
• Psychodynamic therapy: This method works best for people who have good insight and are in a safe space emotionally to revisit their trauma history and how it affects present behaviors and thoughts. It explores how unconscious motives and traumas contribute to behaviors and actions.
• Group therapy: In group therapy, people who have a shared experience come together for a group and peer session.

Final Thoughts

Ultimately, all families can be dysfunctional at times, as no family system is perfect. However, the difference between a healthy and an abusive level of dysfunction is the amount of awareness and willingness to grow together. While no two dysfunctional families are the same, narcissistic family structures usually consist of specific family roles, as well as defined family rules and expectations. Please do not hesitate to seek support or professional help if you are struggling to deal with a narcissist family structure or are working to address the resulting trauma.