Narcissistic triangulation is an intentional manipulation tool often used to control a situation. Triangulation itself is a relational dynamic where two people disagree, and a third person gets pulled into the argument, forming a “triangle.”1 While many people don’t triangulate intentionally or maliciously, triangulation can be harmful in the hands of a narcissist. While narcissistic triangulation can feel frustrating and disarming, understanding what it is and how to respond can help get you out of this toxic triangle.
What Is Triangulation?
Triangulation is an emotional manipulation tactic where two people in an argument try to draw in a third person to change the situational dynamic. It’s not uncommon for people to unintentionally employ triangulation because conflict is difficult and uncomfortable to navigate. The goal of triangulation is to tip the scales of the argument. This is often through indirect communication, with the third person being the “go-between” of the two individuals initially disagreeing.
Triangulation is commonly used for reasons, such as:
- Distracting from the real issue or argument
- Tipping the scales of the argument in one person’s favor
- Reinforcing one person’s sense of superiority
- Attempting to resolve the argument through the third person
- Diverting some of the stress from the argument onto the third person
What Is Narcissistic Triangulation?
Narcissistic triangulation differs from typical triangulation in that it is done purposefully and with intention. Those with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) use a common and consistent triangulation pattern that includes three different “roles.”2 These roles refer to the narcissist’s persona employed during an argument to win the third party over in their favor.
The three roles of triangulation include:2
- The Persecutor: The narcissistic person in this role is typically seen as the instigator. They may use threats, blame, criticism, personal attacks, or harsh/aggressive language to establish who is the “wrongdoer” in their eyes.
- The Victim: In this case, the narcissist will present themselves as helpless, being taken advantage of, and needing rescue. By doing this, they can deflect responsibility for their own words and actions onto someone else.
- The Rescuer: This role is typically filled by a narcissist’s support person. However, sometimes a narcissist will engage in this role to gain a sense of superiority. As the Rescuer, they will fix things, “smooth things over,” and possibly accept responsibility for their feelings or behaviors to make their victims feel guilty.6
Examples of Narcissistic Triangulation in Relationships
Narcissistic triangulation can and will happen in any narcissistic relationship, particularly those the narcissist cannot avoid. For example, family ties do not change, but a narcissist can stop being friends with somebody once their control is restricted.
Narcissistic Triangulation Between Parents & Children
A narcissistic parent will often use their children in triangulation when their partner pulls away, disengages from the relationship, or leaves them. The narcissistic parent works to buy their child’s love to make the other parent look or feel bad. In many cases, this form of narcissistic triangulation is used to try to force the other parent to revert to doing things how the narcissistic parent thinks they should be done. For instance, the partner may give in and allow the narcissist to take back control over the family unit.
Examples of narcissistic triangulation between a parent and children may include:
- Offering treats or indulgences the other parent doesn’t allow to the child.
- Convincing the child that the parent who left is solely at fault for any disagreements.
- Ignoring the other parent’s reasonable rules and limits, possibly setting unreasonable rules and limits themselves.
- Refusing to communicate directly with the other parent by passing information through the child.
- Venting and expressing their emotions about the other parent to their children to instill negative feelings about the other parent.
- Asking about the other parent’s life through the child to use that information later as leverage against the other parent.
Narcissistic Triangulation Between Siblings
Another common way narcissistic parents triangulate within their families is by triangulating siblings against each other. The parent will do this to feel like they have control within their family and encourage a child to seek their approval. This form of narcissistic triangulation could also happen with a narcissistic sibling pitting a parent against another sibling or vice versa.
Examples of narcissistic triangulation between siblings may include:
- The parent designates one child as a “perfect” or “favorite” child (the golden child) and the other sibling as a “problem child” (the family scapegoat) who should alter their behavior to gain the parent’s approval.
- Alternating what child receives the parent’s focus of affection and approval to make the siblings feel they compete for the parent’s love.
Narcissistic Triangulation in Families
Narcissistic triangulation can even occur within families, often turning the entire unit into a narcissistic family structure. The narcissistic family member uses their power and control to manipulate the family systematically. They may also employ this tactic to establish superiority or fill their narcissistic supply.
As noted above, narcissistic family triangulation can look like one family member being a narcissistic enabler, one person playing the golden child role, and a different member being labeled as the scapegoat or “problem child.”
Examples of narcissistic triangulation in families include:
- A narcissistic mother focuses on her daughter’s behavioral problems and constantly compares her to the son, while the father attempts to help correct the daughter’s behavior.
- A narcissistic grandmother may constantly criticize their partner by sharing how they are treated poorly to receive praise and soothing from other family members.
- A narcissistic mother-in-law may put her son in a position to “choose” between her and his spouse’s “side,” talk negatively about the spouse, or ignore his boundaries.
Narcissistic Triangulation in Romantic Relationships
Narcissistic triangulation in romantic relationships is very common. Typically, a narcissist will use triangulation to reassure themselves of their partner’s affection and devotion, as well as to ensure they maintain control of the relationship.4
Examples of narcissistic triangulation in romantic relationships may include:
- Sharing with a partner that their ex won’t leave them alone or wants to get back together to get the partner to reassure them or behave in certain ways.
- Calling the partner’s mother and complaining about how badly their child is mistreating them or being unfair in the relationship.
- Bringing a mutual friend into an argument and asking that friend to choose a side while priming that friend to pick their side.
Narcissistic Triangulation in the Workplace
Narcissistic triangulation is typical in a workplace because it offers a passive-aggressive way to even the playing field by manipulating co-workers’ interactions. Dealing with a narcissistic boss is a particularly tricky situation as the boss already holds more power than the employee.5
Examples of narcissistic triangulation in the workplace may include:
- A boss publicly compares an employee to a more productive team member.
- A boss asks for an employee’s input when making a final business decision that two employees are debating instead of making the decision themself.
- A coworker shares with the boss that another employee doesn’t deserve a leadership role to secure that position for themselves.
- Gossiping to a co-worker that someone else treated them poorly, to have that co-worker stand up for them in the future.
- A narcissistic co-worker might triangulate the boss into a situation to get an employee reprimanded as a ramification for disagreeing with them.
Narcissistic Triangulation in Friendships
A narcissist will also bring triangulation into their friendships and social relationships, typically to distract a person from their changed behavior after the initial “fast friends” phase has worn off. Narcissistic friends may be hard to spot because they can hide their narcissistic tendencies.
Examples of narcissistic triangulation in friendships may include:
- Comparing themselves to a person’s other friends.
- Looking for a friend’s praise and reassurance that they are superior to other friends.
- Acting entitled to time with a friend or making the friend choose between them and other friends.
- Mentioning spending time with “better” friends to get the friend to chase their attention and affection.
Why Do Narcissists Triangulate?
Narcissists have fragile self-esteem and need a constant source of attention and admiration to cope, otherwise known as their narcissistic supply. Engaging people in triangulation fills this supply by increasing the narcissist’s feelings of superiority.3 Bringing in a third party to agree with them and make the other person look wrong increases their sense of “rightness.”
Narcissistic triangulation is also a way for narcissists to gain attention, especially when playing the “victim” role. In this case, a narcissist looks for a third party to reassure them, dote on them, and make up for the other person’s actions. Ultimately, these things provide the narcissist with what they desire most–attention, affection, and reassurance.
Lastly, the cornerstone of narcissistic personality disorder is a deep need for control. If a narcissist does not get what they want with their narcissistic manipulation tactics, they will change the dynamic from two people to three. Bringing in a third person and manipulating their view of the situation to mirror that of the narcissist ultimately turns the situation in the narcissist’s favor.
How to React to Narcissistic Triangulation
Once you can recognize and understand narcissistic triangulation, the next step is to decide if and how you want to change this dynamic. Avoiding or stopping narcissistic triangulation is often complicated because narcissistic individuals will likely fight change every step of the way.
Below are eight strategies for responding to narcissistic triangulation:
1. Recognize When Triangulation Is Happening
The first step to shifting the triangulation pattern is to recognize when you’re pulled into a toxic triangle. Understanding that this is a narcissistic manipulation tactic can help release some of the guilt they may put on you. Review interactions with a narcissist afterward with yourself, a trusted individual outside the triangle, or a therapist. Even if you overlook the triangulation until after it’s happened, you’ll be more likely to identify it quicker in the future.
2. Learn to Accept Your Role in the Triangulation
You have likely played all three roles of a triangulation dynamic at some point when in a narcissistic relationship, and there may have been times when you were and were not aware. Acknowledging and accepting what you have brought into the triangulation is the first step in changing the pattern. Again, remember that this is a manipulation tool, and people with narcissistic traits are master manipulators. You cannot change the past, but you can decide how you engage in the future—including what roles of a triangle you do or do not engage in.
3. Have a Direct, Private Conversation
Directly highlighting narcissistic triangulation can feel stressful, especially when the narcissist intentionally sows division. Remind yourself that a narcissist uses this tactic to gain control of the person or situation. Speaking to them privately about their behavior removes some of the possibility that they will seek approval and defense from onlookers. It also shows the narcissist that you aren’t willing to engage in this dynamic.
Essentially, you’re letting them know that they can’t control your emotions and reactions moving forward. They may think twice before attempting to engage you in triangulation again. However, sometimes a narcissist will test this boundary to see if you follow through with your words. Be prepared for what your next course of action will be.
4. Respond, Don’t React
Sometimes having a private and direct conversation is not enough to make a narcissist stop trying to pull you into a relational triangle. You must not engage when reinforcing that you will not play into triangulation. In this case, meeting triangulation with silence is the loudest way to communicate this boundary. Learning and practicing phrases to disarm a narcissist, or mentally rehearsing this situation beforehand, can also help you hold fast to this boundary in the moment.
5. Set Your Own Boundaries
You may have avoided actively participating in narcissistic triangulation, but that doesn’t mean the narcissist won’t still talk about you to those in your life. Setting healthy boundaries with someone you see regularly can be challenging, but doing so can help you better navigate the situation.
Boundaries to set with a narcissist may include:
- Leaving situations where you find yourself alone with them.
- Ignoring comments that are meant to bait you.
- Avoiding sharing personal information.
- Not going into situations without trusted people present who understand and will support you.
6. Strengthen Your Own Supports
Narcissistic triangulation can severely impact your own self-esteem and emotional well-being. Support is crucial when navigating this situation and staying emotionally and mentally stable. Work on intentionally cultivating a network of validating friends and community—this could be friends, family, neighbors, or individuals who share similar interests as you. Anybody who is supportive and will not pull you into unhealthy triangles or be judgmental will be great.
7. Know When to Leave the Relationship
Unfortunately, narcissistic personality disorder is a lifelong diagnosis that is hard to treat. Unless they are willing to work directly on how they’re contributing to triangulation, you may have little ability to change the relational dynamic. If this relationship impacts your mental health and functioning, it may be time to consider leaving. Preparing yourself for breaking up with a narcissist and what to expect at the end of a narcissistic relationship can help you navigate this challenging situation.
8. Find a Therapist
Having a therapist in your corner is invaluable when navigating narcissistic triangulation and narcissistic abuse. A therapist’s purpose is to help you recognize relational patterns and figure out how to navigate or change those patterns. Choosing a therapist who can help you recover from narcissistic abuse is a good place to start. An online therapist directory is a great place to begin your search.
Final Thoughts
Dealing with narcissistic triangulation can be a stressful and exhausting process, but you’re not alone. Talking to a therapist or reaching out to a trusted friend or family member can make a big difference in how you feel and help you set the boundaries necessary to live a healthy and balanced life.
Narcissistic Triangulation Infographics
