Living with a narcissist can be challenging, but this dynamic is particularly difficult when leaving home isn’t a viable option. Optimal coping requires understanding narcissism, some level of acceptance, finding support, and setting firm boundaries. Even though things may feel challenging, you can learn how to maintain your emotional well-being despite their behavior.
What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental health disorder exhibited primarily through an overinflated ego, disregard for the feelings of others, and belief that one is more important than anyone else. Narcissists love to call attention to themselves and truly believe they are admired and highly esteemed.
Common symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder include:
- An exaggerated sense of self-importance: Narcissists believe their contributions are of greater importance and value than those of anyone else. They applaud their efforts and downplay those of others.
- Lack of empathy: A narcissist’s apparent lack of empathy often stems from unawareness that other individuals actually have feelings.
- Exploiting others: Narcissists view people as tools to be used or tossed aside. Once a person no longer serves a useful purpose, the narcissist moves on.
- Feelings of entitlement: Narcissists have no understanding of equity and are entrenched in the belief that they deserve more than anyone else.
- A constant need for admiration: They are persistent and demand attention and admiration. This is what constitutes the narcissistic supply that they are desperate to possess.
- Envious of others: Narcissists need to believe that others envy them. They will look for ways to outshine those of who they are jealous.
- Arrogance: Narcissists show little respect for others and will insult strangers and friends as they engage in displays designed to inflate their egos.
17 Tips for Living With a Narcissist
Learning how to live with a narcissist may feel impossible. However, it’s important to know that successfully living with a narcissist first requires educating yourself on narcissism and the classic behaviors narcissists use when hurting others. Having this primary level of awareness can help you understand and predict patterns. It will also support you in creating appropriate boundaries to enforce at home.
1. Learn About Narcissism
If you are living with a narcissist, spend time learning, reading, and understanding narcissism and its impact. It can be helpful to recognize certain traits of NPD, even if the person doesn’t meet the complete criteria. Fortunately, the concept of narcissism has gained attention in the mainstream media. Therefore, having the language to identify your experience can support you in feeling empowered in your situation.
2. Learn Their Common Behaviors
The more you know about someone, the better situated you are to deal with them. The different types of narcissists share various traits they exhibit in every area of their lives, including boasting about themselves, expressing their sense of entitlement, and putting down others. If you know the “telltale” signs, you can be better prepared to respond effectively and live with a narcissist.
3. Identify Gaslighting Behaviors
Narcissistic gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse narcissists use to make people question themselves and their realities.1 Gaslighting can be hard to identify as it can be subtle. For example, a narcissist might deny having said something or tell you you’re overreacting to make it seem like you are the problem. Ask yourself, “Do I ever doubt myself because the narcissist tries to convince me I’m being silly, dramatic, or forgetful? Do I ever wonder if I am the one causing all the problems”? If so, you might be experiencing gaslighting.
4. Compliment & Support Positive Behaviors
Narcissists are generally unaware of their personality shortcomings. However, you may be able to use some basic behavioral shaping techniques to encourage change in the narcissist. Make sure you compliment the narcissist and let them know you appreciate their assistance when they engage in supportive behaviors or direct their energies to helpful goals. By rewarding positive behaviors, you may increase the likelihood that these behaviors will continue because flattery and praise feed the narcissist. Actions that are associated with others’ admiration are those they will be more apt to continue.
5. Consider Limiting the Information You Disclose
It’s important to protect any information that is private or personal. A narcissist may abuse confidential details about your life to harm you or keep you feeling indebted to them. Some people embrace a “no-contact” approach to living with a narcissist. If that isn’t possible, consider a “low-contact” approach. With this method, you restrict how much you share and only offer basic information.
6. State & Reiterate Your Firm Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for protecting yourself from the damaging effects of narcissistic abuse when living with a narcissist. You would benefit from setting healthy boundaries if you consistently feel resentful, angry, or upset about a situation. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, digital, or financial.2 Spend time reflecting on your non-negotiable limits and express them clearly.
7. Implement Boundaries Consistently
Expressing boundaries is one thing. But if you don’t reinforce them every time they are crossed, people have little incentive to change unacceptable behaviors. If anything, they learn that your words hold little weight. Make sure you outline the consequences of breaking a boundary with the narcissist. For example, if you refuse to tolerate name-calling, the consequences might be walking out of the room and ending the conversation.
8. Disengage From Emotional Tantrums
Narcissism often coincides with intense emotion and rage. Unfortunately, it’s easy for loved ones to get swept up in the drama. Instead, aim to use phrases that disengage a narcissist as much as possible. Don’t personalize tantrums or outbursts. Label their emotional expressions as their expressions—not as an accurate reflection of your character.
9. Learn How to Ignore Their Criticisms
No one likes to be criticized. However, narcissists feed their egos through criticism and judgment of others. When living with a narcissist, don’t internalize their insults or become defensive when they criticize you. Respond calmly with something like, “I hear what you’re saying, but I don’t share that opinion,” or “I don’t see things quite the way you do, and that’s okay.” Make sure you don’t engage with the narcissist or allow them to see you get upset. By remaining cool and calm, you are refraining from feeding their egos or giving them a chance to argue.
10. Avoid Blaming Yourself
People with narcissism struggle to accept personal accountability for their actions. Instead, they often project blame onto others and avoid owning any wrongdoings.3 As a result, you may notice that you habitually blame yourself when living with a narcissist. However, blaming yourself only reinforces narcissistic behavior and deteriorates your self-esteem. Try to focus on being objective with yourself and the situation. Avoid taking responsibility when things aren’t your fault.
11. Learn How to Negotiate
Narcissists have an unnaturally strong ability to manipulate others. This requires you to be an equally strong negotiator to ensure you can hold your ground. Recognize your “absolutes” and plan to compromise where possible. This ensures that your most essential needs are met. Sometimes, it can be helpful to play into their egos but remain firm on what you absolutely must have. Keep from becoming emotionally engaged in any negotiations, and identify your wants before the conversation begins.
12. Be Mindful of Grandiose Promises
You have probably heard all sorts of exciting, lofty promises about the future from the narcissist. At times, these words will feel authentic and enticing. You will want to believe them wholeheartedly, especially if you feel committed to making the relationship work. But be careful. People with narcissism will often “talk a good talk” about making improvements. Once they convince you that things will improve, they lose the motivation to follow through with their intentions. Remember that change is measured by actionable behavior—not by promises or future claims.
13. Focus On Meeting Your Emotional Needs
Do you suppress, deny, or avoid identifying your needs because you believe they don’t matter? If so, it’s time to change that mindset. It’s easy to feel consumed by meeting someone else’s needs. However, sacrificing your own desires and values often leads to burnout and resentment. Instead, try to reassess your priorities and spend time cultivating what matters to you.
14. Practice Self-Care
Self-care is a crucial part of maintaining your self-esteem. Furthermore, focusing and prioritizing self-care in your daily routine can help you feel calmer and empowered at home. When living with a narcissist, try to soothe yourself often. Engage in activities that make you feel uplifted and inspired. Take care of your body and treat it well. The more you honor yourself, the less you will tolerate abuse from others.
15. Accept What You Can’t Change
Narcissism can be frustrating and wishing you could change your loved one is reasonable. However, trying to control or improve their behavior usually backfires, leaving you feeling helpless. Acceptance doesn’t mean liking a particular situation. It simply means that you acknowledge that it is what it is, and it’s out of your control to change it.
16. Seek Peer Support
A hostile living environment can feel isolating. However, seeking support and having healthy relationships outside of the home can be paramount for your well-being. Just be mindful of how you disclose information about narcissistic behavior. For example, if you two share mutual friends, you risk that friend sharing whatever you tell them. Group therapy may offer support, especially if you find a group focusing on domestic violence, narcissistic abuse, or healthy relationships. In addition, groups provide a profound opportunity to receive validation and encouragement from like-minded individuals.
17. Consider Therapy
Narcissistic abuse can be scary and emotionally exhausting. Therapy may help you start the stages of healing after narcissistic abuse. Professional support offers you relief and guidance for navigating relationships with narcissists. Consider choosing a therapist with experience treating narcissistic abuse, domestic violence, or complex trauma.
When living with a narcissist, individual therapy is probably your best bet. Keep in mind that marriage counseling is generally advised against when one partner actively abuses the other. Unfortunately, abusers may use what’s said to harm their partner.4 They may also present much differently to a “professional” than they do at home. Therefore, couples counseling can inadvertently cause more harm than good.
Being In a Relationship With a Narcissist
Living with a narcissist can undoubtedly impact your sense of safety, self-esteem, and overall quality of life. You might spend a lot of time dealing with a narcissist or coping with their narcissistic abuse. Unfortunately, people with narcissistic personality disorder tend to cause the most damage to their loved ones and partners. At some level, they may believe they can continue controlling or manipulating you. Moreover, if you have enabled their behavior in the past, they will likely feel inclined to continue engaging in the same toxic behaviors and narcissistic phrases. After a while, the emotional destruction becomes a vicious cycle.
When to Leave
You do not need a qualifying reason to leave a relationship. An uncomfortable situation doesn’t need to escalate or reach a certain threshold before you decide to move on. That said, any sexual or physical abuse—towards you, children, or other household members—needs to be taken seriously. Unfortunately, these problems rarely improve, and they usually worsen over time. If such abuse occurs, it’s time to consider making a safety plan for leaving.5
How to Heal After Living With a Narcissist
Healing yourself after living with a narcissist is not as simple as it might seem. Narcissistic manipulative tactics can diminish your self-esteem and self-worth in ways that can be difficult to undo. Unfortunately, their tendency to isolate you from your support network also leaves a breach that must be addressed. After tending to the narcissist’s ego for so long, it may seem strange to focus on your own welfare, but that is what you must do to heal.
Here are some ways to begin healing after living with a narcissist:
- Try journaling: Sometimes making sense of our thoughts can be challenging. Writing out your feelings and experiences lets you process and see things more objectively.
- Foster new friendships: Social support is essential to your psychological well-being, so seek out friends who know your true self and see you as independent and unique.
- Take a break from dating: One of the most damaging aspects of narcissistic relationships is that they skew your view of a normal relationship. Allow yourself some time to re-calibrate your self-esteem and self-worth. This way, you can enter a new relationship from a more objective standpoint.
Final Thoughts
Living with a narcissist can be difficult, but awareness, connection to others, and firm boundaries can substantially improve your situation. Working with a therapist will also help you feel more supported.
Living With a Narcissist Infographics
