Living with a narcissist can be challenging, but the dynamic is particularly difficult when leaving home isn’t a viable option. Optimal coping requires an understanding of narcissism and some level of acceptance, finding support, and firm boundaries. Even though things may feel tough, you can learn how to maintain your emotional well-being despite their behavior.
Living With a Narcissist Can Have Serious Effects
Living with a narcissist can undoubtedly impact your sense of safety, self-esteem, and overall quality of life. You might spend a great deal of time trying to deal with a narcissist or cope with their narcissistic abuse.
Unfortunately, people with narcissistic personality disorder tend to cause the most damage to their loved ones and partners. At some level, they may believe they can continue controlling or manipulating you. Moreover, if you have enabled their behavior in the past, they will likely feel inclined to continue engaging in the same toxic behaviors and using the same abusive phrases to manipulate you. After a while, the emotional destruction becomes a vicious cycle.
How to Live With a Narcissist: 12 Tips
Your home situation may feel impossible. However, it’s important to know that successfully living with a narcissist first requires educating yourself on narcissism and the classic behaviors narcissists use when hurting others. Having this primary level of awareness can help you understand and predict patterns. It will also support you in creating appropriate boundaries to enforce at home.
1. Learn About Narcissism
Spend some time learning, reading, and understanding about narcissism and its impact. Even if you are unsure whether your loved one meets the complete criteria for narcissism, it can still be helpful to recognize certain traits.
Fortunately, the concept of narcissism has gained attention in the mainstream media. Therefore, having the language to identify your experience can support you in feeling empowered with your situation.
2. Identify Gaslighting Behaviors
Narcissists often use gaslighting, a form of psychological abuse, to make people question themselves and their realities.1 Gaslighting can happen in subtle ways. For example, a narcissist might deny saying something or tell you that you’re overreacting to make it seem like you’re the problem.
Do you ever doubt yourself because the narcissist tries to convince you that you’re being silly, dramatic, or forgetful? Do you ever wonder if you’re the one causing all the problems? If so, you might be experiencing gaslighting.
3. Consider Limiting Information You Disclose
It’s important to protect anything that feels private or personal. A narcissist may abuse confidential details about your life to harm you or keep you feeling indebted to them.
Some people choose to embrace a “no-contact” approach with narcissists. If that isn’t possible, you may consider a “low-contact” approach instead. With this method, you simply restrict how much you share and only offer basic information.
4. State and Reiterate Your Firm Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for protecting yourself from the damaging effects of narcissistic abuse. If you consistently feel resentful, angry, or upset about a situation, you would probably benefit from setting healthy boundaries around that behavior. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, digital, or financial.2 Spend some time reflecting on your non-negotiable limits and express them clearly.
5. Implement Boundaries Consistently
Expressing boundaries is one thing. But if you don’t reinforce them every single time, people have little incentive to change their behavior. If anything, they learn that your words hold little weight.
Make sure that you outline the consequences should the narcissist break your boundary. For example, if you refuse to tolerate name-calling, the consequence might be walking out of the room and ending the conversation if they do that.
6. Disengage From Emotional Tantrums
Narcissism often coincides with intense emotion and rage. Unfortunately, it’s easy for loved ones to get swept up in the drama.
Instead, aim to use phrases that disengage them as much as possible. Don’t personalize tantrums or outbursts. Label their emotional expressions as their expressions—not as an accurate reflection of your character.
7. Avoid Blaming Yourself
People with narcissism struggle to accept personal accountability for their actions. Instead, they often project blame onto other people and avoid owning any wrongdoings.3
As a result, you may notice that you habitually blame yourself. But, this action only tends to reinforce narcissistic behavior, and it can deteriorate your self-esteem. Instead, try to focus on being objective with yourself and the situation. Avoid taking responsibility when things aren’t your fault.
8. Be Mindful of Grandiose Promises
You have probably heard all sorts of exciting, lofty promises about the future. At times, these words will feel authentic and enticing. You will want to believe them wholeheartedly, especially if you feel committed to making the relationship work.
But be careful. People with narcissism will often “talk a good talk” when it comes to making improvements. But, once they convince you that things will get better, they often lose the motivation to follow through with their intentions. Remember that change is measured by actionable behavior—not by promises or future claims.
9. Focus On Meeting Your Emotional Needs
Do you suppress, deny, or avoid identifying your needs because you believe they don’t matter? If so, it’s time to change that mindset.
It’s easy to feel consumed by meeting someone else’s needs. But, sacrificing your own desires and values often leads to burnout and resentment. Instead, try to reassess your priorities and spend time cultivating what matters to you.
10. Practice Self-Care
Self-care is a crucial part of your self-esteem. Furthermore, focusing and prioritizing self-care in your daily routine can help you feel calmer and more empowered at home. Try to soothe yourself often. Engage in activities that make you feel uplifted and inspired. Take care of your body and treat it well. The more you honor yourself, the less you will tolerate abuse from others.
11. Accept What You Can’t Change
Narcissism can be frustrating, and it’s reasonable to wish you could change your loved one. However, trying to control or improve their behavior often backfires. It can leave you feeling helpless. Acceptance doesn’t mean liking a particular situation. It simply means that you acknowledge that it is what it is, and it’s out of your control to change it.
12. Seek Peer Support
A hostile living environment can feel isolating. However, seeking support and having healthy relationships outside of the home can be paramount for your well-being. Just be mindful of how you disclose information about narcissistic behavior. For example, if you two share mutual friends, you risk that friend sharing whatever you tell them.
When to Leave
You don’t need a qualifying reason to leave a relationship. An uncomfortable situation doesn’t need to escalate or reach a certain threshold before you decide to move on.
That said, any instances of sexual or physical abuse—towards you, children, or other household members—needs to always be taken seriously. Unfortunately, these problems rarely improve on their own, and they usually worsen over time. If such abuse is occurring, it’s time to consider making a safety plan for leaving.4
When & How a Therapist Can Help
Narcissistic abuse can feel frustrating, scary, and emotionally exhaustive. If you’re experiencing these symptoms, therapy may help you start the stages of healing. Therapy offers relief, support, and guidance for difficult situations, including navigating relationships with narcissists.
Individual therapy is probably your best bet. Consider looking for a therapist with experience in treating narcissistic abuse, domestic violence, or complex trauma. You can start your search by using a trusted directory.
Keep in mind that most professionals advise against marriage counseling when one partner actively abuses the other. Unfortunately, abusers may use what’s said in therapy to later harm their partner.5 They may also present much differently to a “professional” than they do at home. Therefore, therapy can inadvertently cause more harm than good.
Group therapy may offer support, particularly if you can find a group that focuses on domestic violence, narcissistic abuse, or healthy relationships. In addition, groups provide a profound opportunity to provide validation and encouragement among like-minded individuals.
Final Thoughts on Living With a Narcissist
Living with a narcissist can be difficult, but awareness, connection to others, and strong boundaries can substantially improve your situation. Working with a therapist will also help you feel more supported during this time.
