How Many Couples Survive Infidelity?

How Many Couples Stay Together After an Affair?

In one study, researchers found that with instances of secret infidelity, only about 20% of couples were still married after 5 years. However, for couples who revealed infidelity, that percentage jumped to 57%.¹ How unfaithfulness is displayed by men and women can differ, too–men lean more toward acts of sexual infidelity and pornography use, while women may be more likely to engage in emotional infidelity.

Nevertheless, cheating can occur in a relationship for any number of reasons. What was the quality of the marriage prior to the infidelity? Was the infidelity a pattern, or a one-time affair? Either way, studies suggest that some couples may be more likely to stay together, as compared to others.

When looking at the percentage of couples that recovery after cheating, we see that:

1. Relationships that were strong prior to the affair recover more fully after infidelity.
2. Married couples stay together at a higher percentage than unmarried couples.
3. Couples with children are more likely to continue the relationship following a betrayal.

When Infidelity Happens in Your Relationship

Going through infidelity is an incredibly stressful and painful experience, both for the person who cheated and for the betrayed partner. This disrupts harmony and affection in the relationship, and usually contributes to hurt, distress, anger, sadness. This is why each partner needs healing and recovery to move forward in a healthy way.

When You’re Cheated On

It may be that prior to being in this situation, you promised yourself that if your partner ever cheated, you’d cut them off forever. Then it happened, and you realized that things are much more nuanced than that. You may feel stigma from friends and family who push you to leave your partner. People may say, “Once a cheater, always a cheater”. You may even feel shame for staying.

When You Cheat

You will probably experience a full range of emotions after cheating–shame, embarrassment, guilt, among others. You may see yourself differently now, and this change in self-image can be hard to manage. You also may become frustrated with the intensity of your partner’s reactions. It’s a difficult time to work on a relationship, and you may struggle with acknowledging the pain you’ve caused.

Why Do Couples Decide to Stay Together After Infidelity?

There are many factors that contribute to couples staying together. Partners may have children that motivate them to work on the relationship. Financial challenges may also influence a couple, as they may feel like they can’t afford to split up. Additionally, there may be judgment expressed from family, friends, or the couple’s faith community related to divorce.

When considering how to move forward after infidelity, people may:

1. Develop hope that their love will enable them to overcome the infidelity
2. Feel that they can make some changes for the good of the relationship
3. Feel optimistic that their partner can learn and grow from this experience
4. See remorse from the cheating partner, and feel empathy for them
5. See this as an opportunity to grow through this painful experience
6. Experience deeper and more meaningful communication

How Do Relationships Change After Infidelity?

When a couple decides to stay together after an affair, things are bound to be different. Sometimes, things remain tense for a very long time, with accusations becoming part of the new pattern. The most ideal outcome is that the couple seeks help, communicates openly and honestly with one another, and can heal their sexual and emotional relationship. Therapy is a powerful method to help facilitate the process of healing.³

7 Tips for Working Through Infidelity

There are many ways that couples can work through infidelity and emerge stronger.⁴ It’s not easy, but it can be worth it. Each partner must be willing to do whatever it takes to work on the relationship, and come to a better place together. It can be both scary and exciting, but you may come back in a way that’s better than before.

Here are seven things you can do to try navigating your relationship post-infidelity:

1. Work on rebuilding trust: Without rebuilding trust in your relationship, moving forward in a positive way will be very difficult. Each partner may hold a level of mistrust against the other–unless this is resolved, healing is difficult. The unfaithful person may not trust that the affair was forgiven, and the betrayed partner may not be able to trust that infidelity won’t happen again.
2. Talk openly about the infidelity: Healthy communication in a relationship is essential. As a couple, you don’t have to talk about the affair endlessly. Still, talking about it will happen for a long time, but this can be healthy and positive.
3. Seek support: Find a therapist, both as a couple and as individuals. Talk through what this has been like for you…for both of you. How will you get through this as an individual, and also as a couple? Figure out how to restore your hope and rebuild your sense of self.
4. Don’t expect a quick fix: Affair recovery is a long-term process. The way through it is to go through it. There is no shortcut. Take all the time you need to process the pain and find your direction again. This will take time and a willingness to grow.
5. Find time to avoid the topic: Look for time that you can be together and not talk about the betrayal. Try to keep conversations about the infidelity to a certain length of time (30 minutes? An hour?), or talk about it on a certain schedule–either certain days of the week or in therapy. You can even write thoughts to each other, too.
6. Talk about what’s good in your relationship: Remind yourself why you two got together in the first place. What are some things you cherish about your togetherness? What are you drawn to in your partner? What has kept you together for so long? What are your hopes and dreams for a future as a couple?
7. Try to have fun again: You’ll find that you can enjoy your partner again, laugh together, and renew your sexual relationship. This won’t always be on your mind, and there may be longer periods when this isn’t even something you’re thinking about. You won’t forget about the betrayal, but you can survive this.

How Can Therapy Help Couples Work Through Infidelity?

Professional help is important when an affair is revealed or discovered.⁵ It can help both parties sort through the impact of this from their own experience. Working on the relationship gives partners more confidence and hope going forward. It will also help with the various emotions associated with the affair. The couple can see a therapist together or individually, and there are many ways to find the right therapist–using an online therapist directory can help.

Final Thoughts

Many couples survive infidelity, and you can, too. Your relationship will be different than before, but can change for the better. Being able to talk deeply about what has happened is key to getting through it. Seeking professional help can help you change patterns in your relationship so you can rebuild trust, feel greater satisfaction and hope, and rediscover the joy of being together.