Is My Boyfriend Cheating? 15 Signs to Be Aware of

What Is Considered Cheating?

Cheating is defined as the act of being emotionally or physically unfaithful to a partner while in a monogamous relationship. There are several different types of infidelity such as physical, online, financial, or emotional affairs. Cheating can fall into a murky area that, unless discussed, can and often does affect the relationship in negative ways.

Because every relationship is different, the rules around cheating are, too. Much of this depends on what was established regarding relationship boundaries, and what the consequences are if these boundaries are violated. What one person may determine as cheating, isn’t necessarily the same in another relationship.

15 Signs He’s Cheating

There are many signs that could indicate your boyfriend is cheating. But, one of the most important and significant indicators comes from gut instinct. You cannot ignore this, and you shouldn’t.

You may start to feel that something is ‘off’ or that things ‘just don’t add up,’ which is usually the first indication that something is amiss. Still, apart from this, there are other signs that will help you determine if your boyfriend is cheating on you. Signs of cheating often manifest in emotional and physical distance, resulting in a disconnect between you.

Below are 15 signs that your boyfriend might be cheating on you:

1. Drastic Changes in Communication

We all get busy from time to time and forget to check in with our partner. Eventually, the change in communication starts to take on a different tone. The lack of communication has now become an issue. He used to ask you about your day and engage you in conversation–but now he doesn’t. He now spends his time looking at his phone, spending more time in the bathroom, or simply ‘checking out.’ The intent to connect is starting to fade, and he would rather focus on other things.

2. He Shows a Lack of Interest in You

Life can get in the way of your relationship, and a lack of interest may also be due to life stressors such as demands at work or feeling overwhelmed. Additionally, in the beginning of a relationship, the level of interest may be different. But, when you start to notice a pattern of this behavior, it may be a sign of infidelity.

3. His Routines Have Changed

We all have routines that we maintain to create the lifestyle we want. When you are in a relationship, you get used to these habits. When they change, it causes you to pause and wonder what is going on.

Ask yourself, “has something changed with his routine”? If so, what has changed and how significant is the change? Sometimes the changes are subtle, so they may not be noticeable initially. Being observant of any changes and how they can be explained is critical.

4. He Practices More Self-Care

Most people focus on some form of self-care, like engaging in physical activity around the beginning of the year or as the summer months approach. This is understandable. But, if your partner is suddenly dressing differently, wearing cologne, and paying more attention to his appearance, it might be time to inquire or think about these behaviors.

5. He Becomes More Critical of You

We all have quirks that need work, but when your boyfriend starts to become critical of things that were not bothersome before, this can indicate that he is cheating. A partner will always come up short when they are being compared to the ‘other person’–who at this time, can do no wrong.

6. He Feels Distant

Have you ever felt that he seems distant? When you bring this up, does he get defensive or deny that he is this way? We can tell when our partner begins to distance themselves. Of course, this can be due to work or family stress. However, these issues are often discussed between partners. When they become more physically and emotionally distant, the relationship shifts.

7. He Doesn’t Invite You Out as Often

Do you find yourself asking why you are not invited out as often? This is also a sign that he might be cheating. A partner will notice any change in the energy of a relationship, and the time spent together as a couple is something to be aware of.

8. He Has Become Secretive

Once his whereabouts were an open book, but not anymore. He hides his phone and his schedule. He doesn’t want to include you as much, and has become secretive with his time and life. Maybe he is hiding certain types of clothing, his wallet, or other personal belongings.

9. He Has Become Unreachable

Suddenly, you cannot reach him. If he is having an affair, there will be long periods of time in which you cannot get in contact with him–whereas before you could. For example, a partner who has to ‘work late’ without reasonable explanation could indicate cheating.

10. He Doesn’t Like Questions

People typically share details of their day, what happened, or personal struggles with their partner. It is also normal to tell your partner where you are going to be and with whom, even without being asked. When your boyfriend starts to disclose less and less, he may be sharing this with another person instead.

11. His Phone Habits Have Changed

When in a committed and honest relationship, many partners know the passwords to their partner’s phone or computer. No big deal. People who are not cheating generally leave their phone around, and are not worried if you pick it up or see when it rings.. If your boyfriend gets mad, defensive, or possessive when asked about his devices, he might be hiding something.

12. He Has a Change in Libido

Libido tends to wax and wane in relationships. This is common. However, if you observe a substantial difference in this, it may indicate infidelity.

If your boyfriend is cheating, a change in his libido may look like:

• He may want to have more sex at home–to cover up what he is doing and offset their guilt.
• He may initiate sex so you will not ask for it later on, when he is not available or able to have sex.
• Frequency of sex will drop off, because he is having sex with someone else.
• He wants to do a new sexual position or move in bed, and he is good at it.

13. He Is Out With ‘Friends’ More

In the beginning, just being together was enough for both of you. Now, you find yourself moving down his list of priorities as he goes out with ‘friends’ more. You have become less important to him, and he begins to exhibit a wandering eye or is already interested in someone else. He may use the excuse that he’s with friends, when he is in fact spending time with someone else. Ultimately, less time with you means the relationship changes.

14. His Excuses Don’t Add Up

He makes up excuses for why he cannot do something, where he was, or who he was with. The story changes and things don’t make sense. When a person is being honest, their story is always the same. If he is lying to you, he will have a hard time remembering what he said initially. He may say different things when explaining himself, or his timeline may shift. The more you question him, the more likely he might gaslight you, saying you are being nosy or asking too many questions.

15. He Has Intimacy Issues

Often, intimacy issues are rooted in a person’s attachment style. If someone has an insecure/avoidant attachment style, they will struggle with intimacy. They will get close to a person, but start to pull away when things become serious. A lot of this stems from trouble with vulnerability or being emotionally available to a partner. A boyfriend with intimacy issues often starts to back away from the relationship, and may start to see someone else.

What to Do if You Suspect Your Boyfriend May Be Cheating

Suspecting your boyfriend of cheating is never something you want to experience. However, if you have strong evidence that he is cheating, there are several steps you can take to help you decide what you want to do moving forward.

Often people get stuck in the ‘what should I do’ phase, when the first step should be to start a conversation about the behaviors, so you can make an informed decision. Although there is no ‘one’ way that works for everyone, there are things that will help you handle this situation.

If you are concerned that your boyfriend is cheating on you, here are three things to try:

Write, Think, Plan

Before starting a conversation with your boyfriend, write down all of the things that you have been experiencing so you have them on hand. This allows you to look at the information from a different perspective. Think about what you want to say, what’s most important, and how you want to behave in the conversation before you speak with him. A plan can be as simple as a list of things that you want to discuss with him, in order to stay focused and less emotional.

Talk to Him

You can continue to gather more evidence and keep thinking about it. However, a healthier approach would be to start the conversation right away. Healthy communication starts with having a structured conversation. This will help you stay on track, express your thoughts, and find a time that works for both of you to discuss problems.

Some things to consider during this conversation include:

• Ask when is a good time for both of you to speak about things that have been bothering you.
• Make a list of the issues that have come up for you.
• Limit the conversation to X number of minutes.
• Take turns sharing how you feel and your perspectives.
• Don’t interrupt. Write things down if you must.
• Manage your feelings.
• Discuss whether taking “breaks” is okay ahead of time. This is key. 
• Put your phone away and turn the tv or computer off. Be present.

Turn to Your Support System

There is no better time to talk to friends and family about your situation than after experiencing infidelity. They want to help you figure out what to do. If you choose to share your issues with someone, understand that they will also have their opinions and provide feedback that you may not want to hear. These relationships will be impacted as well, should you choose to stay with your boyfriend.

When to Break Up with Your Boyfriend

Deciding to break up with your boyfriend is rarely easy, even if you have clear evidence that points to cheating. There are things to consider before taking this step. Before you break up, it’s important to discuss anything that you have noticed has changed and made you hit the pause button on your relationship.

If you discover that his cheating is a sign of a larger issue or indicative of a toxic relationship, then this is something that you must seriously consider. The focus should be on you–what is best for you both short and long term. Worry about whether or not you stay in the relationship is in your best interests—not his.

When Can Working with a Therapist Help?

When there has been infidelity in a relationship, seeking therapy sooner rather than later is usually the best approach. This often increases one’s chances of working through communication issues in their relationship before too much time has elapsed.

There are several ways you can find a marriage or relationship therapist, and there are numerous benefits to couples counseling. A couples therapist will help both parties discuss current challenges, and implement better ways to communicate as they work through these. Therapy provides the platform to understand your partner differently, in a non-judgmental way. They also help couples focus on the issues that develop after infidelity.

Sometimes a person will choose to seek out individual therapy in conjunction with couples therapy. There are many resources to help you find the right therapist. You can find a therapist by asking for a referral from a loved one or your doctor, or by using an online directory that allows you to filter by location, specialties, and insurances accepted.

Final Thoughts

A change in communication, availability, and sexual intimacy can often indicate that a person is cheating. If you find yourself in this situation, there are healthy ways to address this issue. Talk to your partner, reach out to friends and/or family for support, or get professional help from a couples or individual therapist. Any of these approaches will help you determine if the relationship is salvageable and if so, what steps need to be taken moving forward.